My DH is better at parenting than me - feel sad

[scottieabroad]

Hi,

In a nutshell, I'm a first-time mum and I feel upset because I feel like my DH is a much better parent than me.

I'm 34, married to DH, who is 47. We have a lovely three year old son together who we both adore.

DH was married before for 15 years and has three older children. He and his ex-wife had their children in their late 20s / early 30s.

I've felt really overwhelmed in the past three years with parenting but DH has taken it all in his stride. He was so confident and relaxed around our son from Day 0, whereas I felt so nervous about almost everything. As our son has grown older, DH has been so responsible and practical in managing our son's care, as well as being so affectionate and caring towards him.

Everyone praises DH + says I'm so lucky he is such a hands-on father. His older children are very well turned out, high achievers, mature. (his girls can be difficult but his son is really lovely). But I feel really bad about myself. I feel so exhausted, our son cries so much more with me, I get more bored and frustrated with parenting whereas DH is much more patient.

He says it's easier for him because it's the 4th time round, and in his mid 40s he is naturally more patient than in his 20s/ 30s. He's encouraging but I think he forgets what it's like the first time round.

Also, we're from fairly different backgrounds socially - he's financially v. well off and quite posh, while I'm from a much more ordinary background, a loving single parent family where life was always quite improvised and chaotic.

I feel like I'm being very spiky and difficult and antagonising around him because I feel upset by all of this. I don't know what to do or if I'm just being totally unreasonable.

Do you know the way a first class honours degree is 70%?

Being a good enough parent is the same, 7 out 10 times you get it right and you are doing great.

I think you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect, nobody is, not your DH, no one else. Just try to do your best and drop the rope with your expectations, you will have more fun, your son won’t even notice that you’ve dropped the rope or if he does it will probably be because you feel more relaxed that will help him to feel more relaxed.

Reading this back I feel so moany - I can see I'm very lucky to be in a stable marriage with a son I never thought I would have, and free of money worries etc.

We do argue about parenting + household management stuff. I've lived quite a nomadic, independent life before settling with DH, whereas he is very orderly, regular, always plans ahead. E.g. he set up an ISA for our son - I didn't even think about this.

I would maybe be a bit messier and more spontaneous than he is. But I don't know if that's better!

You are being so hard on yourself. I think you need to talk to yourself much more kindly. There is nothing wrong with having a moan now and then and I would recommend you discuss some of your worries with your DH, I always find saying the silly inner critic stuff out loud takes the wind out of it. You are your child’s only mother. You are the single most important person in his life. You want to do your best for him, that is enough. X

You're being very hard on yourself.

I wonder if you might benefit from some counselling actually, to talk through how you want to parent and to get your head round the fact you're good enough.

The nice thing about having two parents is it increases the range of things a child has access to - so maybe you are more spontaneous, and that will be a good thing.

Well you are a better parent because you haven't (as yet) abandoned your children so you can go off and have another one with a much younger person, thus diluting any inheritance they will get and any time and attention they could expect to receive (and making any daughter involved feel weird that their father has hooked up with someone who is so close to them in age)

Oh I just read the thread properly. I see there are daughters. I am sure they feel totally betrayed and that's why they are difficult. He's a shit dad, don't worry about it

Yes be nicer to yourself!

I feel like if I got to parent my kids again, I’d do a thousand times better job!! You learn as you go and unfortunately there isn’t a manual.

If you’re kind to your son, he’s already ahead of the game.

When people compliment you on his parenting, is it possible that they don't compliment you because it's so obvious you're doing ok? It's really common for people to assume that their friends and family know they're smashing it because it's so obvious to them that they are.

If your child is happy, fed, clothed and starts the day clean, you're really doing great. Young years are massively challenging and the moment you get used to one stage, they change and the challenges change.

Have a chat to your husband about how you feel, and a couple of choice family members or friends. Most mums doubt themselves sometimes and need a little reassurance. If it is more than that, do seek some help, but perhaps some mum friendships might help

He obviously thinks he's the bee's f-ing knees and that's why he is being such a smug bastard and making you feel like shit. He needs bringing down. He's gone for a younger, less posh partner because he likes to feel like he does everything bette/is better and you are just a tool to facilitate that. I would take a cold hard cynical look at him before you start undermining yourself.

@complexshennanigans are you a sock puppet? who else comments like that? You’ve made 3 nasty comments in about 6 posts.

Why did his relationship end OP? He's had a failed marriage. He wants to feel better about himself. He wants to show he's the great dad instead of supporting you, bigging you up.

Honestly it's all a load of BS - I can smell it a mile off. He should not be saying 'oh yeah it's easier for me because I am so experienced and patient', he should be telling you you are a wonderful mother and you are doing a brilliant job. Is he doing this?

Thank you for being really kind. I feel a bit better just writing it out.

I am going for counselling but haven't quite found someone who clicks yet.

Many men are hardwired competitive. He just wants to be the better parent. He likes thinking he is better than it than you. I bet he is subtly undermining you. 'Oh darling it's easier for me to be so patient and wonderful, don't worry you are a bit shit' is effectively what he's saying!

@Lizzieregina thank you!

'You learn as you go' - that's it, I feel like my DH has learned everything (as much as you can learn 'everything' when all children are different) and I'm just behind. And often I just let him do things because it's quicker + easier, but then I don't develop confidence.

E.g when our son was a baby, he could just sterilise and put together a bottle really quickly and I would be kind of fumbling along much more slowly.

Just relax .. my DH is the same (although doesn't have any other DC) utterly 100% devoted to being a Dad ... I just made the most of it. DH is incredibly 'sensible' ie: didn't just set up an ISA for DS but also a pension and help to buy ISA (no longer available). He loves being a Dad, frequently took DS on holidays & trips .... meant I could relax . Our DS is grown up now but is very close to both of us ... don't worry about it.

Firstly, I'm one to talk because I hate visiting a new city with someone who has been many times. You are just getting your bearings and they're striding off with a know-it-all certainty about where to go and when that sucks the joy out of discovering somewhere new.

Which is not at all like raising a child - just to tell you I couldn't hack it with someone mooning on like they had it all nailed raising our child and I'd catch up eventually.

But, I can say after three kids, it gets increasingly easy, and the sheer scale of experience behind you brings confidence that things tend to right themselves. IDK where I'm going with all this except you'll be doing a great job - the learning curve is part of the adventure so lean into it.

Thank you. Actually I just had a text from a friend I spoke about this with, and they said - 'of course he's getting more compliments - he's a man!'

His family are very traditional and keep acting like he's amazing because he can feed his own child without a nanny, then suggesting I might need some extra help 'around the house' which is ... annoying

Oh @Ragwort thank you, that made me feel better!

I feel like I'm not naturally a super sensible practical parenting type, I feel like I might be more like the fun parent. But then I think I'm being a bit irresponsible !

His ex-wife had an affair, they realised they weren't in love anymore. He led a bit more on the parenting than she did. We've met and talked and she still respects him, even though they 100% are happier separated - she has told me he is a good husband / father.

He does support me . I'm glossing over slightly how annoying I've been around him! Him saying 'It's easier because I'm more experienced' is in response to me saying, 'but how come you can just do all this?!'

He is very devoted to me. I don't think it's come across especially but I do love him. I'm just not feeling very loving at the moment in general!

Why is going off and having a kid with you when he should be putting attention into the children who actually need him to be around and focussed on them. You'll realise when your older that this is all kind of shitty

Hey OP. People are good parents in different ways. My DH os the kind and patient one, always ready to roll around and play, very safety conscious. I do all the creative things with them and all the cooking, most of the school things. He needs the things both you are good at.

Thank you! Those are really helpful points. He definitely has this confidence that things will just 'right themselves'.

And yes it is annoying being with someone who is a bit know it all! He doesn't mean to.

I kind of wish - unfairly - that I was doing the same as my friends my own age, who are discovering parenthood at the same time as their own partners.
But they think I'm being ridiculous because they think I'm lucky to have someone who can take care of things like this. Which I know I am...

My H is fucking useless at parenting. Both the practical stuff and the fun stuff. Not only do I have to do all the crap, but then I have to plaster a smile on my face and make the magic. Want to swap? I can guarantee if you do, you'll feel a lot better about your parenting, which is probably of the "perfectly fine" variety.

Wow
certainly made some unfounded assumptions there