My DH is better at parenting than me - feel sad

[scottieabroad]

Hi,

In a nutshell, I'm a first-time mum and I feel upset because I feel like my DH is a much better parent than me.

I'm 34, married to DH, who is 47. We have a lovely three year old son together who we both adore.

DH was married before for 15 years and has three older children. He and his ex-wife had their children in their late 20s / early 30s.

I've felt really overwhelmed in the past three years with parenting but DH has taken it all in his stride. He was so confident and relaxed around our son from Day 0, whereas I felt so nervous about almost everything. As our son has grown older, DH has been so responsible and practical in managing our son's care, as well as being so affectionate and caring towards him.

Everyone praises DH + says I'm so lucky he is such a hands-on father. His older children are very well turned out, high achievers, mature. (his girls can be difficult but his son is really lovely). But I feel really bad about myself. I feel so exhausted, our son cries so much more with me, I get more bored and frustrated with parenting whereas DH is much more patient.

He says it's easier for him because it's the 4th time round, and in his mid 40s he is naturally more patient than in his 20s/ 30s. He's encouraging but I think he forgets what it's like the first time round.

Also, we're from fairly different backgrounds socially - he's financially v. well off and quite posh, while I'm from a much more ordinary background, a loving single parent family where life was always quite improvised and chaotic.

I feel like I'm being very spiky and difficult and antagonising around him because I feel upset by all of this. I don't know what to do or if I'm just being totally unreasonable.

Men are often complimented and praised for things to do with parenting that women are simply expected to and regularly do as part and parcl of parenting.
OP there will likely be all sorts of things you do that makes your DC feel loved and secure but if you don't feel confident, you might doubt yourself or compare yourself unfavourably to your DH

He gets compliments because he's a man, this happens all the time with my DH and me - when we do the literal exact same thing, he'll get complimented on it.

It is so harsh. I am so jaded. I think I have been radicalised by being on mumsnet so long. And being old. You see some grim stuff out there amongst the mid life crisis people. I just assume all men are bastards and take it from there

Yes it turned out I was completely wrong in this case. Foolish foolish me

OP
You are never ‘done’ learning how to be a parent. They constantly change, while you gain more experience as you go along.
Have you ever heard what Maya Angelo said about her mother? It is a bit extreme, but generally that her mom was a bit shit when she was younger but was an amazing parent to older children. It is all in flux.
Parenting is about 90% guilt, and you definitely have that covered.

@complexshennanigans don’t beat yourself up, you were quite funny and then you pulled yourself up straight away and actually read the OPs later comments, OP also took your comments in her stride. So no harm no foul!

Thank you for your kind words!

I would also add that your DH should be building your confidence and giving you lots of compliments - hopefully he isn’t revelling in his superior parenting expertise too much when it’s literally only because he’s already had three and you’re a new parent!

At the same time, you’re a partnership and if one of the partners is really good at something then try to enjoy that and take advantage of it rather than compare yourself to him. Look at it like, great extra help and support and ways for life to be easier.

Although I once had a boyfriend who was a really good cook and I hated it as everything I made was so shit in comparison and he would silently judge even though on the surface he was polite. And for some reason around him all my cooking was 100x worse. In some ways I kind of like that my current DP is impressed with anything I do in the kitchen 😂

But this is your life and there are two sides to every coin, yes it would be maybe slightly more fun to be two new parents together, figuring it out - but there are lots of downsides to that too - all the stress and sleepless nights and useless dads. You might have given up some of that fun but you don’t have the bad sides either. Instead you have different positives.

You’ll be an amazing mum to your unique baby, parenting isn’t just knowing how to make a bottle or manage a baby, it’s all sorts of things throughout their life, like listening to them, emotional support, laughs and fun, that you’ll be better at or do differently in a way that your DH wouldn’t be able to but that your child will benefit from immensely. You’ll both be bringing the best of yourselves to your baby’s life.

Don’t judge yourself or compare yourself x