My DH is better at parenting than me - feel sad

[scottieabroad]

Hi,

In a nutshell, I'm a first-time mum and I feel upset because I feel like my DH is a much better parent than me.

I'm 34, married to DH, who is 47. We have a lovely three year old son together who we both adore.

DH was married before for 15 years and has three older children. He and his ex-wife had their children in their late 20s / early 30s.

I've felt really overwhelmed in the past three years with parenting but DH has taken it all in his stride. He was so confident and relaxed around our son from Day 0, whereas I felt so nervous about almost everything. As our son has grown older, DH has been so responsible and practical in managing our son's care, as well as being so affectionate and caring towards him.

Everyone praises DH + says I'm so lucky he is such a hands-on father. His older children are very well turned out, high achievers, mature. (his girls can be difficult but his son is really lovely). But I feel really bad about myself. I feel so exhausted, our son cries so much more with me, I get more bored and frustrated with parenting whereas DH is much more patient.

He says it's easier for him because it's the 4th time round, and in his mid 40s he is naturally more patient than in his 20s/ 30s. He's encouraging but I think he forgets what it's like the first time round.

Also, we're from fairly different backgrounds socially - he's financially v. well off and quite posh, while I'm from a much more ordinary background, a loving single parent family where life was always quite improvised and chaotic.

I feel like I'm being very spiky and difficult and antagonising around him because I feel upset by all of this. I don't know what to do or if I'm just being totally unreasonable.

Oh. That made me laugh. Christ.

ok it sounds ok. I'll let him off!

Thank you @Didimum . When I feel more confident in myself, I think I can see this. I'm an artist, and my friends know me (knew me!) as the fun one. So I might come into my own a bit more when our son is older.

Haha. I can see from the outside, it looks like a bit of a cliche - older richer man and younger woman. We do have various differences. But he actually is nice.

What's wrong with you? Stop it.

Being a first time mam is the best feeling and also the one that will make you doubt every single thing you do. We are so hard on ourselves when kids just want your love, your hugs and your laughs. You're doing all that. He set up an ISA, grand that's what he's into and your child will thank him when he's older. In the meantime keep playing, smiling and being there for your little boy. Go easy on yourself, you don't start a new job and catch it all straight away, it takes months for a lot to sink in and even then you're not always 100% why would you think being responsible for a human would be easier.

Work together, try not to be so down on yourself and take the benefits that come from someone who has been there. Also remember the way he does things is not the right way, it's his way he's done it before and you are able to change to suit yourself.

I probably should stop it. At the moment I have three friends whose husbands have left them and their teenage families for younger women who they have been cheating with and then go on to have a kid with. It's like an early/mid fifties epidemic and extremely depressing so just assumed that was the case here. Seems he was the one cheated on here though so my ire has diminished

@Throwawayme It's quite hard not to get bitter and twisted about men by this age - I used to be quite nice/hopelessly naive..

He sounds great. You need to build on your confidence, sounds like a you problem.

Thank you, that's a really kind post @Heyisforhorses

I am trying to remember the last point especially - ' it's his way he's done it before and you are able to change to suit yourself.'.

He does everything in a very 'proper' way, with routines that are very influenced by his background. E.g. he puts quite a high value on things like table manners, which I suppose makes sense when you've been mixing socially at fancy dinner parties etc. for your whole life, but which I don't really mind about at all. Not that this is a big concern for our 3 yo, but sometimes this kind of thing comes up.

It’s easy to get cynical, I guess! And Mumsnet is rife with shit husbands.

This too! There’s definitely time to be better at another stage of parenting. I was fairly terrible at it in toddlerhood, but now my twins are 6 I’m pretty great at all the educational stuff.

I might add, for balance, he is not 100% easy breezy about everything. He worries about being an older parent, and about being quite unfit - he is overweight - so it's not as if he feels he's totally perfect.

I am not a sock poppet, I am a worldly wise 50 something (some might say cynical and embittered but it's all a matter of angle). Are sock puppets noted for this kind of commentary? I thought they were normally quite jolly and benign?

Thanks so much for this post. This is a really helpful idea that I am filing away for the future.

One of the examples you gave resonated. Making the bottles, you are holding yourself against another person who has experienced parenthood four times made probably dozens of bottles and wasn't recovering from having a baby.

All parents wing it, we will all have strengths and weaknesses. Be kind to yourself.

after three kids, it gets increasingly easy, and the sheer scale of experience behind you brings confidence that things tend to right themselves. IDK where I'm going with all this except you'll be doing a great job - the learning curve is part of the adventure so lean into it.
This is great advice and very true. The baby and toddler years with my third were so much easier, the juggle wasn't easier but the practical aspects of raising a child were. With my first I was so scared I'd break her somehow, it seemed crazy that they let us walk out of that hospital with that tiny baby. Now I don't have any worries wrangling 8+ kids when my early primary DC have friends over.

Also as PPs have said men get more complements on parenting, even just them doing the basics. Women are expected to be good parents and men are praised for being good enough parents. As an individual that pressure isn't just coming from society, a lot of women expect to be naturally good mums and that can be a really damaging expectation to have or yourself, because no parenting isn't always natural and first babies, toddlers, children can be a baptism of fire. He has more experience, so it will be easier for him if he's a good Dad. He has more experience to draw on, but every child is different and that experience isn't always useful. Stages matter too. Some parents fine the baby and toddler years hard or borrowing, but find they connect better with their child once their a little older. One of the values of experience is that you know that the ages and stages pass, and that you don't have to get it all right to be a good parent.

All parents do wing it. I don't know anyone who feels like they know it all and get it all and find it all easy. I don't know anyone who's a good parent whose never questioned their parenting. I think that's part of being a good parent. You need to assess and sometimes change how you're doing things. Someone who thinks they know it all might end up being a not good enough parent because they're not questioning and adjusting their parenting as needed by that specific child. Parenting one child or three doesn't mean you know how to parent the 4th one. The practical skills may be the same but their personality and the type of parenting they need might be very different.

You are not worldly wise at all you are just making assumptions and you know what they say about people who assume things? You are just using this thread to vent your bile about situations not remotely connected to the OP or her husband and laying the blame for them at her husband's door.

I respect your honesty

You are different types of people so you child is lucky because you will each bring different things.

You don't sound worldly wise or like a 50 something, quite the opposite in fact.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing great! First time is super hard, he's got experience.

Take care xx sending all the love (while me giving hopeless threats to control my 6 and 3 yr old 😂)

@complexshennanigans crikey that's a bit harsh. You have no idea about his previous relationship issues or why they divorced.

Thank you so much! I was just reading these when I woke up (ok, when we were woken up an hour ago by DS) and I feel so much better.

Firstly thank you for acknowledging the worry - most of my friends irl think I'm being ridiculous because I'm lucky to have DH.

and secondly for reassuring me more with how parenting actually works! I understand more now why DH doesn't worry so much about the little things with our son. I can see I'm being a bit of an. anxious first time mum.

Funnily enough, DH's 18 year old son called late last night to sheepishly explain he'd lost his passport while travelling ... cue an hour of DH going through where it could hypothetically be with him, before it suddenly turned up. So I guess the worrying isn't going to stop anytime. soon...!