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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my parents!

103 replies

MarthaFaukas · 04/12/2023 19:48

I'll try and keep this short.
My partner and I live in London. We have one child and are being crippled by child care costs! We pay £1800 pcm, as well as rent.
We've decided we want to move out of London to see if we can buy a place. Getting a mortgage is another thing entirely but for arguments sake, we need a bigger deposit.

I would never dare ask my parents for money, however, they have previously said they'd help with house deposit or childcare where they can.

Speaking to my mum about money worries today, she says there is "no money." This is what annoys me. There clearly IS money as they go gallivanting off on expensive holidays, sometimes paying £1000 per night on hotel rooms. They often buy designer clothes and bags (also updwards of £1000, a bag strap I had to collect for them cost £400 alone!)
Theyve also previously offered to pay for flights for my sister's wedding (over £3000 for the three of us), which is why we agreed we could come, but now there is "no money" for that either.
AIBU to be annoyed about them saying this?

I'm feeling like I'll have to take on a weekend job. I already work full time in the NHS and home ownership just seems so out of reach. Also feel like I'm playing second fiddle to a bag 🎒

OP posts:
hattie43 · 04/12/2023 19:53

Tbh I can understand your annoyance but the bottom line is your parents are free to spend their money anyway they choose .
The biggest scandal is having to pay £1800 a month child care . Something needs to be done .

LimeCheesecake · 04/12/2023 20:00

You parents aren’t the first and won’t be the last people to offer “help” when they felt safe in the knowledge it wouldn’t be called upon, and then withdraw offer (usually pretending they never offered in the first place) when suddenly called upon.

with you being in London and I presume doing relatively good jobs, it would be easy to say they would do childcare if you lived closer, or that they would help out with a house deposit if you needed (thinking you wouldn’t need it).

you need to decline your sisters wedding. Tell her it’s because your parents had offered to pay for the flights but now say they can’t afford it and you can’t afford it. Nice and factual, your mum can turn up with a bag that cost more than the flight and your sister can make her own judgement.

Scarletttulips · 04/12/2023 20:05

your mum can turn up with a bag that cost more than the flight and your sister can make her own judgement

Your parents earned their money and can spend it in anything they choose.

You don’t get to dictate childcare.

My kids have had every last penny over the last 21 years - they won’t get more when they leave home.

The biggest scandal is having to pay £1800 a month child care

It really isn’t ~ the biggest scandal is jobs don’t pay enough for people to afford families - the government subsiding childcare is reducing salaries.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2023 20:12

So will you now no longer be able to attend your sisters wedding?

LimeCheesecake · 04/12/2023 20:13

Of course her parents can spend their money as they choose - but they have made offers of money for specific things and offers of time for childcare, and when the OP says yes so can we do that now, they suddenly say it’s not possible. It’s the false offers and the lies that they don’t have any money, rather than they don’t want to spend it on their adult dc, when they previously said they would.

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 20:15

it sounds flakey, but meh. My dad used to call me whenever they'd booked their lovely annual holiday with the words "more of your inheritance has gone on our gallivanting" and i never begrudged them any of it

LouiG123 · 04/12/2023 20:22

@hattie43

'The biggest scandal is having to pay £1800 a month child care'

Why? This should be accounted for when we have children?

People begrudge paying childcare but the childcarers get paid minimal and children are our most precious thing so we expect qualifications, insurance, first aid etc etc. but don't expect a bill 🤔

1800p/m x12months divided by 52 weeks= £415 p/w

If their child is in childcare 9 hours per day 5 days a week that's only £9.23 per hours.

TheMaryBones · 04/12/2023 20:23

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itsmylife7 · 04/12/2023 20:28

The thing that would annoy me is the promise she gave you.

Catsfrontbum · 04/12/2023 20:35

It’s the promise and the rescinding on the promise that’s the killer.

I would find that very hard to accept and would see less on them.

is it possible to speak to them? Or even joke- when they say oh we would
love to help with childcare, just take the piss. “Oh yeah here we go!” And laugh at them.

TheMaryBones · 04/12/2023 20:35

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Hayliebells · 04/12/2023 20:37

Yes I’d probably be annoyed, but you can’t control how your parents spend their money, you just have to do what you can do. You could cancel the trip to your sisters wedding, move out of London now, whilst renting, so rent is cheaper and you can save up for a deposit. Maybe you move even further out of London, and if that means you’re now miles away from your parents so can’t help much when they’re old, so be it. If you’re after budgeting advice whilst saving up for big things like a house deposit, Dave Ramsey is good, it’s not just debt advice that he makes sense on.

LimeCheesecake · 04/12/2023 20:50

I’d also make sure you call them on it later on if they offer for anything again - point out they have offered help and money before then changed their minds when you ask for it.

There have been so many threads where posters have moved near parents /PILs on a promise of help with childcare, just to have that disappear once they’ve gone though all the upheaval. At least you’ve found out this offer isn’t genuine before you move your family.

fairygalaxy · 04/12/2023 20:57

The only thing I think you have a right to be annoyed about is your sisters wedding. Does it now mean you can't go? Have you got long enough to save to go?

Elfandwellbeing · 04/12/2023 20:59

There is help with this or that and then there is big style help with a mortgage deposit or thousands in childcare. Maybe your mum didn’t know just much they cost when she offered. You need to factor this yourself as part of being an adult and a parent. It is awful the number of times on mn and irl I hear tripe like this… mums and dad are alright for money and they don’t help meeeeeeeee. It’s just not on.

TheMaryBones · 04/12/2023 21:02

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ElevenSeven · 04/12/2023 21:05

I wouldn’t help someone with day to day costs. If you’re struggling month to month you need to change your circumstances.

A one-off like a flight is different.

People can go on holiday when they want,they don’t have to give their money away first then only use what is left for fun.

jesterdourt · 04/12/2023 21:51

It’s the promise and the rescinding on the promise that’s the killer.

Yes.

I also think it’s odd that on many MNs threads about parenting posters discuss how it’s responsible & prudent to save for their dcs uni or house deposit costs but it’s also considered unreasonable for the dc to have the expectation of help. Personally if a parent can help I don’t understand why they wouldn’t & of course because so many do it makes things very unequal for those without that support.

Outliers · 04/12/2023 21:54

Sounds entitled tbh. Plenty of homeowners without their parents help.

Expect no handouts in life. If you do get them then it's a surprising blessing

Coyoacan · 04/12/2023 22:32

jesterdourt · 04/12/2023 21:51

It’s the promise and the rescinding on the promise that’s the killer.

Yes.

I also think it’s odd that on many MNs threads about parenting posters discuss how it’s responsible & prudent to save for their dcs uni or house deposit costs but it’s also considered unreasonable for the dc to have the expectation of help. Personally if a parent can help I don’t understand why they wouldn’t & of course because so many do it makes things very unequal for those without that support.

I'd they no longer have the money

Ineedasitdown · 04/12/2023 23:00

God there’s some selfish families around. Why wouldn’t you help your child when you’re able to spend thousands on a handbag and they are struggling with high costs? Even more so when expenses are so much more now than a generation ago.

Yanbu op to feel annoyed and disappointed, sadly your parents have shown you that their promises are only talk. So probably best to take no notice of anything they say in future. I also wouldn’t be moving too close to them either. You won’t get childcare but you will likely be on the receiving end of expectations for them.

Fivepigeons · 04/12/2023 23:05

I understand how you feel.

Me and DH are also NHS workers and we have 3 children. I was an only child. My dad used to earn 6 figures.

My mum had a shopping addiction regularly spending thousands on designer clothing.

They said they'd send money for my sons birthday one year and when none had appeared the day before I rang them to ask and got shouted at for being grabby.

I know how it feels to feel less important than a handbag.

Scarletttulips · 04/12/2023 23:13

God there’s some selfish families around. Why wouldn’t you help your child when you’re able to spend thousands on a handbag and they are struggling with high costs? Even more so when expenses are so much more now than a generation ago.

Child? She’s an adult with children, husband and full time job.

If you want change - start voting.

Chocolatefrenzy · 05/12/2023 00:04

But don't you think the whole baby boomer generation are so well off purely because of when they were born!! I bet they could afford a bigger house to buy as a young married couple etc survive on 1 income etc. Its so tough now. My dad has huge savings and a huge pension but I think forgets how hard it is for me and my sister even though we work really hard to try and afford things

Ineedasitdown · 05/12/2023 00:10

Scarletttulips · 04/12/2023 23:13

God there’s some selfish families around. Why wouldn’t you help your child when you’re able to spend thousands on a handbag and they are struggling with high costs? Even more so when expenses are so much more now than a generation ago.

Child? She’s an adult with children, husband and full time job.

If you want change - start voting.

I do. Steadfastly since the age of 18. It doesn’t stop the wrong sort getting in. We live in an environment my grandparents would have recognised from the 20s and 30s. Strangely enough that was not a generation that would have not helped its children with a home if they had had any spare cash. Which they didn’t due to high rents , low pay and very limited state safety net.

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