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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my parents!

103 replies

MarthaFaukas · 04/12/2023 19:48

I'll try and keep this short.
My partner and I live in London. We have one child and are being crippled by child care costs! We pay £1800 pcm, as well as rent.
We've decided we want to move out of London to see if we can buy a place. Getting a mortgage is another thing entirely but for arguments sake, we need a bigger deposit.

I would never dare ask my parents for money, however, they have previously said they'd help with house deposit or childcare where they can.

Speaking to my mum about money worries today, she says there is "no money." This is what annoys me. There clearly IS money as they go gallivanting off on expensive holidays, sometimes paying £1000 per night on hotel rooms. They often buy designer clothes and bags (also updwards of £1000, a bag strap I had to collect for them cost £400 alone!)
Theyve also previously offered to pay for flights for my sister's wedding (over £3000 for the three of us), which is why we agreed we could come, but now there is "no money" for that either.
AIBU to be annoyed about them saying this?

I'm feeling like I'll have to take on a weekend job. I already work full time in the NHS and home ownership just seems so out of reach. Also feel like I'm playing second fiddle to a bag 🎒

OP posts:
Nannyfannybanny · 05/12/2023 08:53

That's just it. A huge majority aren't willing to sacrifice or go without. To me, having a roof over my and my DKs head was the more important thing. I have been made homeless several times through no fault of mine! There was no help with subsided childcare,long maternity pay. As soon as the DKs left home,we downsized to a tiny bungalow,equidistant to all my children. When they had their DKs I did child care, for the 3 of them. Most of my neighbours also in the bungalows,are in a similar situation. One neighbour has a younger wife who still works,they have holidays in this country. They don't have fancy pension pots. They were busy paying mortgages with up to 16% interest rates in the 80s,so couldn't afford to get a private pension.

Zebedee55 · 05/12/2023 08:58

Most parents would help, as I have. But, it’s their money, and it’s not compulsory for them to subsidise you.😗

LameBorzoi · 05/12/2023 09:05

@Nannyfannybanny your kids had help, in the form of childcare. My point is, that these days, "going without" is never going to be enough, unless you have help. Therefore, why should young adults today "go without" if it's not going to get them anywhere?

LauderSyme · 05/12/2023 09:07

YANBU. Your expectation of financial help arose purely because your parents expressly offered it, not because you are some entitled overgrown kid.

I reckon that simply saying the words made them feel all generous and virtuous, but the reality of actually sacrificing some of their wants to support your needs is more altruistic than they can stomach.

A friend told me recently how poor he is, whilst waiting to collect his umpteenth takeaway of the week. I told him that he is kidding himself and that people who really are poor can only dream of spending a weeks' worth of food budget on just one meal.

AnaMRT · 05/12/2023 09:11

The promising then changing her mind is awful. At least now you know it’s mostly empty promises. Now you know you shouldn’t rely on those promises. I would suggest that either you cut down your hours at work, don’t work for a couple of years until your child starts school or change nursery. You could also move out of London. The commute would be longer but you would save a lot more on the rent. Once you stop expecting things from people you will be happier. If there are literally no expectations then anything nice that your parents do will feel like a blessing. Do your best to improve your situation. One day you will be retiring and although you would probably want to help your children more it’s a good life lesson for them to learn. How to be resilient, think things through and make wise choices on how to improve their life. I’m sure one they see you are making serious changes about moving, saving and actually looking in mortgages etc.. they might help. As long as you don’t show an attitude of entitlement and expectation.

TheMaryBones · 05/12/2023 09:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

saraclara · 05/12/2023 09:21

So what's happened? This 'no money' thing has clearly come about suddenly.

Had it occurred to you that it might be true? Has their spending put them in debt? Did you asked what's led to the downturn in income when they said they couldn't pay the airfares after all?

Sapphire387 · 05/12/2023 09:27

Mumsnet is full of people who reckon once kids are adults, the parents should wash their hands.

I wouldn't sit by in my extremely comfortable retirement and watch my adult kids struggle with their finances, own dc etc. It's not how family ought to behave.

They shouldn't have offered you money and then rescinded the offer like that. It's not like they have fallen on hard times or something.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 05/12/2023 09:28

At least if they find themselves needing care they can sell a wardrobe item and won't be calling on you for help... Priceless that imo.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/12/2023 09:39

LimeCheesecake · 05/12/2023 07:32

OP I got it - it’s the bare faced lie that there’s no money when there is money, it’s just they don’t want to say they’ve changed their minds.

It’s the offer of help which makes you seem grabby when you then ask for it- it’s unreasonable to expect a house deposit from your parents, but it’s not unreasonable to expect it if your parents say “we’ll give you a house deposit”.

Most parents don’t say “we’ll pay for xy and z for you” unless they really will. Later claiming the reason they are now not doing is they have no money, when they clearly do have money to spend, is going to grate more than an honest conversation about them changing their minds.

A perfect summary IMHO.

I read this as wanting the glory of ‘giving’, but without the unpleasantness of actually handing out the money. That’s shabby.

I would tell your sister that you had accepted the invitation because your parents had offered to pay for the trip. They’ve withdrawn the offer, so circumstances have changed ‘ no hard feelings’ but she has chosen a wedding which is going to put a lot of cost on her guests. You have more pressing ( and responsible) demands on your income.

Then I would draw a line under discussing money with your parents, I wouldn’t be sharing my plans with them, more than I would with a casual acquaintance, because that’s how they are behaving.

ohtowinthelottery · 05/12/2023 09:40

I think I'd be judging too if my parents had bought such extravagant wasteful items. I have never bought a designer handbag in my life nor would I want to stay in a £1000 a night hotel - and DH and I are those much maligned boomers!

I never expected an inheritance and was grateful to receive one but was actually quite sad that my parents had not spent more on themselves - their idea of extravagance was food shopping at M&S!

But your parents promising to help you out and then withdrawing the offer when they could seemingly afford it is wrong. They shouldn't have offered in the first place if they wanted to spend their money on themselves.

Wiccan · 05/12/2023 09:49

Everyone's money is there own to do what they like with it . I don't take hand outs from family as there is a price to pay for it.
My money is my own and I have enough to cover our life . My kids finance their lives well enough they are adults. The extra I do have if for the unexpected in my life . I expect my kids to do the same .

LimeCheesecake · 05/12/2023 10:57

And as long as you are clear this is your position @Wiccan - that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s the promise of financial help, letting your adult dcs make plans based on that (like accepting an invite to a wedding in Australia), then withdrawing the offer with a lie that’s not reasonable.

id hate to feel I can’t trust a promise or offer from my parents.

EdgarsTale · 05/12/2023 10:59

Make your own way in life. It’s embarrassing to be financially reliant on your parents as an adult. Many of us do it without parent help.

LimeCheesecake · 05/12/2023 11:01

@MarthaFaukas - re reading, I realised I just assumed your sister lives in Australia and is having her wedding at her current home, but is it a destination wedding? (Just thinking if it was her home town then she might be going ahead with an Australian wedding no matter what, but if it’s destination, would she have booked it if she knew you couldn’t go?)

caringcarer · 05/12/2023 11:06

It's unfair to tell you they will pay flights for your sister's wedding so you accept now say they won't. You'll have to tell your sister you wanted to come but couldn't afford flights then parents said they'd pay, but now saying there is no money for flights so you can't go.

Honeychickpea · 05/12/2023 11:18

EdgarsTale · 05/12/2023 10:59

Make your own way in life. It’s embarrassing to be financially reliant on your parents as an adult. Many of us do it without parent help.

Most of us do it without parental help, despite what MN would have you believe.

Honeychickpea · 05/12/2023 11:25

user1492757084 · 05/12/2023 03:22

Could you look into working night shifts until the child is old enough for school? That way you make more per hour and your spouse can be there for the child while they sleep.

Your parent's circumstances have changed, obviously, and it is not as easy for them to splurge on you.

Or for OP to sponge off them.

cornishlassy · 05/12/2023 11:46

I get you Op. Similar dynamic here. DH's parents are millionaires. We've never had a bean from them. A few years ago, they sold one of their many properties, and told DH and his sibling, that they were going to be given £60k each from the sale proceeds. We were so excited!

I should mention here, that we are ok for money, but to suddenly have a lump sum like this would have been life changing. DH's sibling however, is on the absolute breadline. Can't afford heating on in the winter, has to sell things on Ebay to fund Christmas, never has holidays and they also have 3 small kids.

Anyway, when the time came, the parents announced they'd changed their minds and invested the money for themselves. And that 120k was a fraction of the total sale price. It just seems so pointlessly cruel.

If we all go out to dinner (which is maybe once a year), they don't pick up the tab either. Whereas, when DH and I go out with our adult children we always pay, because we know we are better off and we like to treat them. I just don't get it.

cornishlassy · 05/12/2023 11:50

MarthaFaukas · 05/12/2023 07:20

Thanks for your insights.
Just to clarify, I don't feel I am entitled to any of their money. The part that is questionable to me is that they offered it, now say there's none, which is at odds with their behaviour. I'd rather they say they'd rather spent it on xyz/need it/rescind their offer, than lie and say there's none.

Edited

Yes, it's disingenuous isn't it? Like you're some kind of fool.

I know a few people who are rich, but state that they are broke. Why?

Wiccan · 05/12/2023 13:52

LimeCheesecake · 05/12/2023 10:57

And as long as you are clear this is your position @Wiccan - that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s the promise of financial help, letting your adult dcs make plans based on that (like accepting an invite to a wedding in Australia), then withdrawing the offer with a lie that’s not reasonable.

id hate to feel I can’t trust a promise or offer from my parents.

Tbh I don't have to be clear , I have never discussed my financial status with my kids as it's none of their business and they don't tell me theirs. They have partners all have good jobs .

fetchacloth · 05/12/2023 13:59

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 20:15

it sounds flakey, but meh. My dad used to call me whenever they'd booked their lovely annual holiday with the words "more of your inheritance has gone on our gallivanting" and i never begrudged them any of it

Same here and I never begrudged my parents either.
Later in life my father became seriously ill and died so I'm glad that he got to enjoy some retirement without worrying about me and my two brothers.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 05/12/2023 14:05

Their money is their money, you are not entitled to any of it.
That said, they shouldn't made apparent offers of help if they didn't really mean it.

Hatty65 · 05/12/2023 14:10

You are an adult with a job and partner and a child. No one else should have to support you financially.

Your parents can spend their own money on what they like. They don't owe you anything. You're a grown up now. Welcome to Adult Life.

Cornishclio · 05/12/2023 14:32

We are at the tail end of the boomer generation. Early retired, own house and good pensions so comfortable financially. We have helped both our daughters with house deposits, holidays, childcare etc and would not prioritise a handbag etc over that but we do enjoy holidays and do spend on ourselves too.