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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have another baby

79 replies

Yourcatisnotsorry · 04/12/2023 10:56

baby spinning GIF

I’m 41. No health issues. Kids are 7 girl and 4 boy. I work full time in a ‘big’ job but can have a years maternity leave. Finances are not an issue. We have a large house they’d have a bedroom each. Good childcare is available near us.

I long for another baby, having tiny ones was the happiest time of my life (I’m also happy now).

husband is happy with having another or not, he leaves these decisions to me which is sort of helpful sort of not.

my main worries are:

  • exhaustion from a new baby now that I’m a bit older (previous kids did not sleep properly til age 3)
  • environmental/selfish
  • impact on the other two who are very close and who already perhaps don’t have enough time with me as I work full time
  • if the baby is poorly/special needs and potential impact on my other Kids long term (eg Down’s syndrome risk much higher, I would not have a termination)

I realize I might not be able to get pregnant/carry to term as I’m now a bit older, did have tests recently which showed good hormone levels and didn’t previously have issues with conceiving.

wwyd?

yabu - don’t have one
yanbu - try

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 06/12/2023 14:34

Ihadenough22 · 04/12/2023 17:22

Your 41 and you already two children of 4 and 7 and 1 girl and 1 boy. I think of lot of women in their early 40s feel a bit hormonal and I should try now if I want another baby.

I personally would not have another child at 41. You are already have 2 children out of the baby stage and life is getting a bit easier for you now. Both your kids are healthy. You are working full time as well. You already feel that your not spending enough time with y

At 41 it could take you longer to get pregnant and you have a higher chance of having a miscarriage. The chance of having a special needs child is also higher. Not all special needs kids are picked up on tests or scan's. If you have a physical or mentally disabled child your going to spend time fighting for help, service's, equipment and respite ect. It hard to get a place in a nursery for a baby/child but most parents of disabled children have 1 parent at home to care for them, bring them to appointments ect.
Meanwhile your other children are missing out on going places and doing things because they have a disabled sibling. Your not able to give them the same attention or notice early on when things are wrong with the older children.

Another lady I know had her 4th child at 38. Her kids were 7,9 and 11. She found this pregnancy harder and she was very tired at time's. Now a few years later she finds that it hard going because of the kids age's and they all need help or support in different ways. She told me as well that her expenses have risen a lot as they got older. The grandparents are no longer able to mind the grandkids either due to age, poor health ect. I think at times she was sorry not to stop 3 even though child no 4 is in good health.

At 41 you are in good health and feel well. I know some woman who get to peri menopause and menopause and can end up having a really hard time with symptoms and tiredness. Then trying to manage a toddler or a child with sn at this stage can be really hard.
Rather than look back to the baby stage I look forward to your kids gaining more independence. Your going to be able to go more places and do more things with them.
Also as they get older it will get more expensive from food, clothes, shoes, school costs ect.

Equally, none of this doom-laden scenarios might arise.

I did have two miscarriages before having my third. It's a risk in any pregnancy, and is a higher risk when you're older. It's not a given though.

Are you saying that all children with a disabled sibling "miss out"? Surely they gain in empathy at least? And just because a child is disabled doesn't mean it's a negative in the other children's lives.

This notion that you have to devote endless individual attention to each child is overdone too. Do things as a family!! My eldest two did activities 5 nights of the week between - baby in tow - and the third was slotted in when old enough. I worked FT too. Weekends were kept as free as possible. I never spent a night away from them apart from having another baby until the eldest was in their teens. That was through choice.

Each one of my three is firmly convinced that they're the favourite child!😆I don't have a favourite, but I reckon I must have got something right.

Never had grandparents to mind them either as they lived too far away.

Chipsahoyagain · 06/12/2023 15:09

@Winnipeggy no I didn't but that was because I hate the baby stage. However it was much easier and manageable because dh and I could split our time enough that i had downtime. Now even though dh helps I still have my other dc to see to. I feel guilty because my older one doesn't get as much time with me. Waiting until the baby grows up a bit.

LaurieStrode · 06/12/2023 15:20

Think of the planet your existing children will be living on.

Hesma · 06/12/2023 15:23

Higher chance of twins as you get older, would you be able to manage 4 kids?

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