AIBU to have another baby

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

I’m 41. No health issues. Kids are 7 girl and 4 boy. I work full time in a ‘big’ job but can have a years maternity leave. Finances are not an issue. We have a large house they’d have a bedroom each. Good childcare is available near us.

I long for another baby, having tiny ones was the happiest time of my life (I’m also happy now).

husband is happy with having another or not, he leaves these decisions to me which is sort of helpful sort of not.

my main worries are:

• exhaustion from a new baby now that I’m a bit older (previous kids did not sleep properly til age 3)
• environmental/selfish
• impact on the other two who are very close and who already perhaps don’t have enough time with me as I work full time
• if the baby is poorly/special needs and potential impact on my other Kids long term (eg Down’s syndrome risk much higher, I would not have a termination)

I realize I might not be able to get pregnant/carry to term as I’m now a bit older, did have tests recently which showed good hormone levels and didn’t previously have issues with conceiving.

wwyd?

yabu - don’t have one
yanbu - try

Look at the age related risks for you and baby and go with your feeling from there. I read loads of these threads when I was debating a third and they depressed the hell out of me......nobody knows better than you whether it is a good idea or not.

I had my third at 40 (had a 5 and 2 year old already) and shes an absolute joy. It's harder to stretch your time between three, it's more tiring as there are more people, and financially it is a stretch (especially with the current financial goings on). But we're all very happy, it was my easiest pregnancy and birth, and although I'm tired no more so than when I had my first one.

Caveat is, I work PT and so does my DH so do have more time to share around.....::but a lot less money.

I was a bit worried when I was pregnant due to the amount I'd googled on 'having a baby over 40'. I saw my midwife for the first time and she found my age to be completely unremarkable.

I think it is a difficult decision. I wanted 3, but I think we would have ended up staying with 2 if we hadn’t had an unplanned 3rd. My older two were the same ages as yours when he was born. I was mid 30s, but the third pregnancy was a lot harder on me than the first two with pelvic pain and anaemia. The baby part was much easier third time around, I was more relaxed, the others were at school and big enough to help when they were at home. I’ve found it harder from the toddler part onwards. Youngest is now 7.

There is a lot of juggling with 3, the age range means they don’t all want to do the same things and the younger two have a very love/hate relationship. I’m conscious my youngest also gets dragged around a lot to drop off and pick up the others

Obviously I love him and wouldn’t want him not to be here, but I do think it is worth thinking through the challenges of it all as well. I have also been lucky to have three healthy children with no significant additional needs, but I am very aware that it isn’t always the case

Siblings bring pros and cons for existing children so I think to rule it in or out based on how it might affect them is misguided. They might adore having another sibling and it could be a lifelong source of friendship and support for them. Or they might hate the adjustment and the time with you it takes from them and not get on at all. My point is that you have another child or not for you, not because of how it might affect them.

Personally I'd be reluctant to try at your age because I wouldn't want to be back in the conception roller-coaster, I couldn't deal with months of hope and failure and the fear of miscarriage. Unless you're very lucky it's likely to be significantly harder to have a baby than it was for you 3 or 4 years ago,don't deceive yourself. But if you accept that, go ahead.

"but it is worth noting the earth has warmed and cooled of its own accord for billions of years"

Thanks for noting this Jonny. I'm sure the scientific consensus developed over several decades that the current rise in global temperatures is caused by human activity did not take this into account 🙄

@Yourcatisnotsorry has this feeling come on recently or have you always imagined having 3 DC?

Suddenly getting incredibly broody in your early to mid forties is a very real thing. Natures last hurrah. So if it’s recent I’d recommend giving it a few more months before making a hormonal decision.

I was someone who decided against having a third and I'm so glad that I didn't have another! I really appreciate having two because I can give them both so much time and attention. If I'd had a third then the baby/toddler would have dominated.
The other reason I'm glad is because I'm now late 40s and I'm exhausted, anxious and perimenopausal. I felt great in my early 40s, no different to my 30s. However, in a few years time you'll be perimenopausal. Of course, you might sail through it. Some people do. Or it might be hell. Who knows?
My symptoms aren't actually bad enough for me to go to the doctor but I'm still very pleased I don't have a toddler to take care of.

I'm going to say no because you said you miss the baby stage.
Obviously that child will grow up too - then what?
You need to want more than the baby stage

Also agree that you may be spreading your time too thin
especially as the child would be at higher risk of special needs.

• impact on the other two who are very close and who already perhaps don’t have enough time with me as I work full time
• if the baby is poorly/special needs and potential impact on my other Kids long term (eg Down’s syndrome risk much higher, I would not have a termination)

These feel like two very good reasons not to have a third child at 41 when you already have two children.

Exactly!! I'm sick and tired of ignorant people saying "Oh the world's temperatures have risen many times in the past. It's all normal." Don't you realise that climate scientists are fully aware of this and take it into account?! FFS. What we're seeing is something completely different to the natural fluctuations in temperatures.

Agree Sally on all you said. I peaked physically at 42 felt absolutely no different to in my 30s but 45 ish onwards… you really notice the changes physically. Yes am fit active and eat well etc but your body and hormone levels inexorably change in ways it’s hard to explain. I am so glad I wasn’t having to parent young children at that age.

I'd not have a third baby if I were you. It's just your body and hormones telling you that it's now or never and never seems so definite. It happens to most of us as we reach the age you are at.

I am out on the other side with two grown-up kids now and the feeling of freedom is pure bliss. I would not have risked having a child with additional needs when you already have two kids who don't quite get enough of your time. Even if your third doesn't have additional needs your time for your older kids will decrease significantly. It's not that it will be split in equal thirds, it will be baby 70%, 4 year old 20%, 7 year old 10% or something like that.

I felt the same at your age, and decided against it mainly because I had a couple of friends who had miscarriages at that age (probability increases considerably) and it really messed with their heads - they'd been perfectly happy before they got pg, but once they'd lost their babies they became obsessed with having another, and of course time was not on their side (one did eventually have a baby, one did not, both had a further miscarriage).

I think once you've made the decision to go for it, and you've got it into your head that you'll have 3, it's hard to accept going back to where you were, even if that was a great place to be.

Even if your third doesn't have additional needs your time for your older kids will decrease significantly. It's not that it will be split in equal thirds, it will be baby 70%, 4 year old 20%, 7 year old 10% or something like that.

Very good point by Roachfish. It won’t go from your DC having 50% of your attention to 33%; they’ll each get much less than that.

"but it is worth noting the earth has warmed and cooled of its own accord for billions of years"

Thanks for noting this Jonny. I'm sure the scientific consensus developed over several decades that the current rise in global temperatures is caused by human activity did not take this into account 🙄

Wasn't so along ago we had another overriding scientific consensus and a "the science is settled" claim. It then manifested itself into "We're following the science".

How did this claim work out? Well this is what Patrick Vallance said at the Covid enquiry.

"Addressing the Covid Inquiry, No10's ex-chief scientific adviser argued there is 'no such thing as the science' because it is 'a moving body of knowledge'. Policymakers 'hid behind this at times', he argued."

....and now we have the same situation playing out except it's with climate change....a big scientific consensus, the science is settled and we're following the science argument, so lets implement destructive policies detrimental to everybody, and especially the poor..... as they are doing.

I'm surprised people are blind to it.

I’m exactly same position as you and had originally planned 3. But due to covid age gap between eldest dd and young ds was bigger. When ds was born I still wanted 3. Now he’s a toddler tornado at age 2, potty training and still not sleeping every night I think I’m done! My biggest consideration is my eldest definitely gets less of my time due to demands of a toddler. The risk of pregnancy or health issues in a third child also worry me.

I wouldn’t past 40. what could a third bring that your first two didn’t?

I had a 3rd in very similar circumstances and it was the best thing I ever did. Yes there are times I’m tired or think it would be nice to get an uninterrupted night sleep but it is more than made up by my toddler and seeing her with her elder siblings.

Go for it!

I personally wouldn't but also wouldn't judge you for having a 3rd as you have the finances.

I agree with this! I also have a 7yo and a 1yo!....and am 41! The 1 yo is a terrible sleeper and it is bloody killing me and my DH!

I’d stick with two, if you work full time anyway then it’s hard enough to share what’s left of you

Perimenopause hit me like a freight train at 45. The thought of that, a full on job and a toddler plus 2 older children would have been my idea of hell.
I’d also think in terms of when they are older. My older has been an intense parenting period - driving practice, visiting unis, late night lifts from parties.

What activities do your dc do? If they are showing talent for music/dance/gymnastics etc it can suddenly move from 1 or 2 classes a week to lots of training and events. How will you juggle. Obviously if you have hands on grandparents it might not be an issue.

Definitely should have added to mine that I’ll turn 30 a few weeks after DS is born. I had told DH that I wanted to be done with babies by the time I was 30 as I had DD1 at 19. Not sure how I would have coped with pregnancy in my 30s or 40s as it’s wiped the floor with me exhaustion wise every time.

I don’t know for sure but if everything is fine financially/mentally for you both then I see having a third as very similar to having a second, or even a first! You do it because you desperately want to, more than anything. Not because there is really any logic in having kids. 🤣 You could try and give yourself a limit eg nothing happens in a year then let it go.

Your 41 and you already two children of 4 and 7 and 1 girl and 1 boy. I think of lot of women in their early 40s feel a bit hormonal and I should try now if I want another baby.

I personally would not have another child at 41. You are already have 2 children out of the baby stage and life is getting a bit easier for you now. Both your kids are healthy. You are working full time as well. You already feel that your not spending enough time with y

At 41 it could take you longer to get pregnant and you have a higher chance of having a miscarriage. The chance of having a special needs child is also higher. Not all special needs kids are picked up on tests or scan's. If you have a physical or mentally disabled child your going to spend time fighting for help, service's, equipment and respite ect. It hard to get a place in a nursery for a baby/child but most parents of disabled children have 1 parent at home to care for them, bring them to appointments ect.
Meanwhile your other children are missing out on going places and doing things because they have a disabled sibling. Your not able to give them the same attention or notice early on when things are wrong with the older children.

Another lady I know had her 4th child at 38. Her kids were 7,9 and 11. She found this pregnancy harder and she was very tired at time's. Now a few years later she finds that it hard going because of the kids age's and they all need help or support in different ways. She told me as well that her expenses have risen a lot as they got older. The grandparents are no longer able to mind the grandkids either due to age, poor health ect. I think at times she was sorry not to stop 3 even though child no 4 is in good health.

At 41 you are in good health and feel well. I know some woman who get to peri menopause and menopause and can end up having a really hard time with symptoms and tiredness. Then trying to manage a toddler or a child with sn at this stage can be really hard.
Rather than look back to the baby stage I look forward to your kids gaining more independence. Your going to be able to go more places and do more things with them.
Also as they get older it will get more expensive from food, clothes, shoes, school costs ect.