AIBU to have another baby

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

I’m 41. No health issues. Kids are 7 girl and 4 boy. I work full time in a ‘big’ job but can have a years maternity leave. Finances are not an issue. We have a large house they’d have a bedroom each. Good childcare is available near us.

I long for another baby, having tiny ones was the happiest time of my life (I’m also happy now).

husband is happy with having another or not, he leaves these decisions to me which is sort of helpful sort of not.

my main worries are:

• exhaustion from a new baby now that I’m a bit older (previous kids did not sleep properly til age 3)
• environmental/selfish
• impact on the other two who are very close and who already perhaps don’t have enough time with me as I work full time
• if the baby is poorly/special needs and potential impact on my other Kids long term (eg Down’s syndrome risk much higher, I would not have a termination)

I realize I might not be able to get pregnant/carry to term as I’m now a bit older, did have tests recently which showed good hormone levels and didn’t previously have issues with conceiving.

wwyd?

yabu - don’t have one
yanbu - try

Your 41 and you already two children of 4 and 7 and 1 girl and 1 boy. I think of lot of women in their early 40s feel a bit hormonal and I should try now if I want another baby.

I personally would not have another child at 41. You are already have 2 children out of the baby stage and life is getting a bit easier for you now. Both your kids are healthy. You are working full time as well. You already feel that your not spending enough time with y

At 41 it could take you longer to get pregnant and you have a higher chance of having a miscarriage. The chance of having a special needs child is also higher. Not all special needs kids are picked up on tests or scan's. If you have a physical or mentally disabled child your going to spend time fighting for help, service's, equipment and respite ect. It hard to get a place in a nursery for a baby/child but most parents of disabled children have 1 parent at home to care for them, bring them to appointments ect.
Meanwhile your other children are missing out on going places and doing things because they have a disabled sibling. Your not able to give them the same attention or notice early on when things are wrong with the older children.

Another lady I know had her 4th child at 38. Her kids were 7,9 and 11. She found this pregnancy harder and she was very tired at time's. Now a few years later she finds that it hard going because of the kids age's and they all need help or support in different ways. She told me as well that her expenses have risen a lot as they got older. The grandparents are no longer able to mind the grandkids either due to age, poor health ect. I think at times she was sorry not to stop 3 even though child no 4 is in good health.

At 41 you are in good health and feel well. I know some woman who get to peri menopause and menopause and can end up having a really hard time with symptoms and tiredness. Then trying to manage a toddler or a child with sn at this stage can be really hard.
Rather than look back to the baby stage I look forward to your kids gaining more independence. Your going to be able to go more places and do more things with them.
Also as they get older it will get more expensive from food, clothes, shoes, school costs ect.

Well you work full time. So in order to spend one day a weekend doing something fun with each child, you need to stick at two. Adding a third obviously takes your time away from your first two!

Cross environmental reasons off your list.

Add helping prevent the steep population decline in developed countries to the pro list.

You have ample and visible financial means to support a third child and can offer them a loving and good home.

Beyond your (fair) concerns for yourself and your future child’s there is no reason not to try.

"Cross environmental reasons off your list.

Add helping prevent the steep population decline in developed countries to the pro list."

Climate refugees will soon sort the declining population in developed countries. No need to add more humans to the planet, there are plenty.

How does that “more people needed to support generation above” idea work then?! More and more people to support the previous one like a nightmarish Ponzi scheme? There is finite space and resources. Also AI will take over lots of jobs previously done by these millions.

Everywhere seems awfully crowded round here and I rather like having countryside that’s not built over by Beazer homes. Environmentally two is more than enough.

Personally I'd stick at 2. I just think you can invest more in them. It depends on your energy but even keeping track of school stuff (work, holidays, options, struggles, tutoring if necessary) is that much harder with an extra child, let alone encouraging hobbies, developing talents etc. This makes me sins helicoptery and I'm really not, but with 3 (child 2 was twins so no choice), I really feel I should have been 'on it' more and been more 'intentional' with them. Now they're big and I regret that but I just didn't jd the time or energy.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond I hugely appreciate it. Lots of very valid considerations and it’s super useful to hear from people who are a little older and the peri-menopause aspect I hadn’t really considered.

These threads can sometimes be so negative about the potential impact on existing children from having a third baby.

I was one of 3, and was 6 when my mum had my brother. My life was hugely enriched by him being born, I absolutely adored him and just really enjoyed having a little brother. And now in adulthood, it's just good having another sibling. My husband is one of 4, and we're part of a church community where lots of people have 3/4/5 children, so perhaps I see 3+ as the norm. (Makes it difficult when you then struggle with infertility, but oh well!)

Every family is different and there are so many different ways of being a family and being happy. Ultimately you need to do what is best and feels right for you! x

If you want to then go for it. It might not happen anyway but no harm trying

@graceinc22 Thanks for sharing your experience, I am about to have a new baby DS and have two DDs the eldest of whom will be six, so I was so cheered to read your post. I agree there is so much negativity about the impact on existing siblings so this was a lovely counterbalance, I really hope she grows up to feel the way you do about her baby brother!

I'm interested in this as my youngest (of 2) will be 4 when I am 41 and that's the age gap between my 2, which works really well. Personally I think I am likeliest not to have a third, largely because of the impact on the older 2, as I also work full time, and risk of serious genetic abnormality.

If I had your set up (supportive DH, money, career, house, maternity package, health and hormones) I would absolutely try for another one. Go for it!

I am 42 and had complications with both of my pregnancies so I personally wouldn't consider another one now as the risk of something happening to me and me leaving my existing children without their mother is too great. I wouldn't have the space or money for another one either.

I think you should give your all to the two children you already have.
Be grateful, content and enjoy them.

Also 41 and pregnant could mean a lot of health issues- diabetes, high blood pressure, fetal abnormalities and other complications.

Can you manage 3 alone if you are widowed or marriage breaks down? What if your third is disabled?

I was in a great place in life and decided to have a third. Was just pregnant and my middle child's 'challenging phase' turned out to be autism. He started school and everything went to hell. I had to quit work to care for him as school couldn't meet his needs. The stress broke my relationship and he fucked off.

I went from financially secure in a 6 bedroom house to a little crappy flat in a bad area. I'm alone with a toddler a high need autistic kid, poor unable to work and have no future. I love my kids and now I have them I cherish them but I now always say if you can't manage disabled kids single don't have another because you can't choose the child you are dealt

Out of interest did you enjoy your first when they were a 1year old?

I think about this a lot but for baby number 2, I'm only slightly younger than you and there'd be a nearly 7 year age gap if I started TTC tomorrow!
I think I'll keep going around in circles in my head until my days are up!
There's no easy answer.

If I was you I'd stick to 2. It sounds like you have 2 happy kids and a good balance.
A friend of mine is pregnant with number 3 at 39 and her girls will be nearly 7 and 4 when baby is born.
She is the main breadwinner and it always seems they are stretched quite thin anyway. 3 always seems a lot to me as children outnumber the parents!

I'd enjoy your children and the extra freedom you'll have in the coming years.

If your main motivation is that you love the tiny baby stage, remember that won't last forever as you know! I also worry other DC may be old enough to pick up on that and and left out? In your position I'd probably focus on finding more things to love about other DC's current stages and spending plenty of time with them. But there's no right or wrong decision here, just make the best of the decision you choose xx

Sorry but that's utter nonsense.

Had my third aged 40, elder two were 6 and 4. Nobody got left out, and they're all very close.

Yes it was tiring and he was a winter baby so the initial night feeds were tough.

I would do the same again.

If you have the yearning, I don't see why you wouldn't give it a try.

I personally wouldn't... it sounds as if your life is already full to bursting and it could be exponentially harder than it is -- I wouldn't minimise the impact it will have on your quality of life.

I don't think its necessarily detrimental to your other children, as some have suggested: your other children will adapt to it and you clearly don't have money worries so it isn't as if you'll be depriving them of limited resources.

I personally wouldn't want to do it for purely selfish resaons: I wouldn't want to go through the severe limitation that nursing a baby and bringing up a toddler brings to life and the way it makes your world so small, even with decent mat leave. But you do you, as they say. If you really really want it (as opposed to having a last gasp of broodiness) then go for it.

Disclaimer that it’s 100% your choice and I wouldn’t think much about it if I knew you IRL, however, since you’re asking – I voted YABU.

I think the risk to your existing children (time, attention, money etc) is too great to simply want to fill the whim of more ‘baby days’. You are longing for the past, with your two previous babies where you had a great time, which 1) you can’t get back and 2) are over all too quickly. At 4 and 7 you would removing a lot from them in some very important years.

I also don’t think it’s great that your husband is indifferent. That doesn’t strike me, on the face of it, as an enthusiastic and excited dad to a potential new baby.

Get a dog! Get two dogs! Or go on amazing family holidays with family and kids. Don't have another!

Having a teenager at 55 and menopause and elderly parents is not for faint hearted! Enjoy this time x

Remember doing an activity as a family on holiday when ours were mid primary. We all did the activity and it was great fun and a good memory and experience for all of us (one of many).

There was one other family doing the activity too they had two kids same age as ours but a baby as well. Lots of fuss. Screaming baby. Eye rolling older kids. Mum entirely focussed on baby and quite stressed. The Dh had to do the activity on his own with the kids which was ok I guess but not great and not the same. Just confirmed to me how I didn’t want that dynamic for us.