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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To specify when to do the dishes?

63 replies

fassnk · 03/12/2023 19:47

DP and I had a big argument recently about division of household tasks. After much discussion, the evening dishes (post dinner) are now his job. I asked if he could do it straight after dinner, so that when he is bathing DS they will be dry enough for me to put away and the kitchen will then be clean and clear for the morning, and we get the whole evening together, chore-free, once DS is in bed.

Apparantly this is annoying and controlling and as long as the dishes get done why does it matter when it happens.

I just dont want to be sorting the kitchen before heading up to bed, and as I am the one up with DS every morning I prefer to come down to a clean clear room.... am I being controlling and over bearing?

OP posts:
toomuchfaster · 03/12/2023 19:50

IMO doing the dishes means leaving the whole kitchen clean and tidy so lay out expectations clearly as you have already sunk to that level. Just washing the dishes is not enough.
Also, my friend had this problem with her DH and she had to agree that actually as long as he does it in the evening before bed, it really doesn't matter when it's done.

PippyLongTits · 03/12/2023 19:51

I see your point and I understand your reasons, but it would still get my back up if someone was telling me when I had to/should be doing something. I would probably want to make that decision for myself and do things on my own time.

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2023 19:51

Nope but you've chosen someone who doesn't respect you

purpleme12 · 03/12/2023 19:53

Mmm I have to agree with him. If it was me I wouldn't want to be told I had to do them at that time.
I'd be having the freedom of doing them when I wanted

Elieza · 03/12/2023 19:55

When’s he planning on doing them? They need done before the next meal. The next meal for me would be supper, which although only toast and tea, I’d still appreciate a clear area of worktop to make it. Apart from that it wouldn’t bother me when the dishes are done. Get him told he’s in drying and putting away duties too.

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 19:56

Of course now someone has pointed it out I should have bloody said the task includes putting them away when dry and cleaning the kitchen up for the morning.... can understand it would get backs up to micromanage. But its so frustrating - why should I HAVE to say that?! Gah.

OP posts:
Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 19:59

He's been leaving them till the last possible minute before heading to bed. Which is fine, hes doing the job I asked, but it does mean I start my day putting away last night's dishes and that makes me feel behind before I've even started IYSWIM.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 03/12/2023 20:02

I’m in the ‘leave until later’ camp: tidy up before bed; anything particularly dirty can soak overnight.

Coconutter24 · 03/12/2023 20:02

Why not swap roles you wash he dry, then he can put them away as late as he likes

Dramatic · 03/12/2023 20:03

Yeah you can't dictate when he does them.

thisfilmisboring · 03/12/2023 20:05

I wouldn’t be told when to wash the dishes if I was him. However, if he’s washing, why can’t he just dry and put them away as well?

I can see what you mean about waking up and putting them away but I mean, how long does it take 5 mins max?

JudgeJ · 03/12/2023 20:05

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2023 19:51

Nope but you've chosen someone who doesn't respect you

She doesn't seem to have much respect for him, dictating when he does a job, to suit her.

thisfilmisboring · 03/12/2023 20:06

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2023 19:51

Nope but you've chosen someone who doesn't respect you

Don’t understand this comment.

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:07

@thisthisfilmisboring yes exactly... why cant he just dry them up and put them away as well!

OP posts:
SnowWhitesSM · 03/12/2023 20:09

Ah OP I'd hate to have a dirty kitchen all evening, let alone starting the day with chores. I don't massively care about putting clean dishes away but I'd be annoyed about having a dirty/messy kitchen all evening. OTOH - I'd also hate to be told when to do something!

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:10

@thisfilmisboring And yes youre right, it takes 5 mins max. I normally do it when the kettle is boiling. I think I'm just getting resentful that I have to start my day immediately with chores, when it could have been done the previous evening. But reading it back maybe that does sound controlling!

OP posts:
LuckyPaisley · 03/12/2023 20:11

@JudgeJ But that's because it has a knock on effect when she is able to do the drying.

OP just tell him it's fine but drying & putting away is his job too.

thisfilmisboring · 03/12/2023 20:11

fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:07

@thisthisfilmisboring yes exactly... why cant he just dry them up and put them away as well!

Did he specifically say that he wouldn’t?

Is he just trying to be awkward on purpose? Maybe just trying to get you to say you’ll wash the dishes yourself?

To me washing the dishes means also drying and putting away- I mean I generally have to anyway as wouldn’t fit all in the draining board so dry and out away in between.

Just to add I don’t think it sounds controlling it would just annoy me- although I wouldn’t be such an arse as to only wash and not put away as well.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 03/12/2023 20:12

I decided a long time ago that if it bothers me then it's ME who has to do it.

DH has stuff that bothers him but not me and that has made him responsible for those tasks.

I have also massively lowered my standarda and decided that it doesn't really matter that much.

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:14

@thisfilmisboring I said "Could you please do the evening dishes". So he washes the dishes and that's all. I didnt specify drying and putting away as well.... which was clearly an oversight!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2023 20:16

You need to go back to him and state that doing the evening dishes includes putting them away.

tuttifuckinfruity · 03/12/2023 20:22

fassnk · 03/12/2023 19:59

He's been leaving them till the last possible minute before heading to bed. Which is fine, hes doing the job I asked, but it does mean I start my day putting away last night's dishes and that makes me feel behind before I've even started IYSWIM.

Nah, that's really shitty. He should be putting them away as well.

Nobody likes having dirty dishes lying about, it sounds like he's leaving them to last possible minute to undermine you.

Hermanfromguesswho · 03/12/2023 20:28

Could you say to him that you’re happy to help him with the dishes by drying and putting away if they’re done by the time DS is in the bath but if he prefers to do them later then that’s fine of course but he’ll have to dry and put away too as you’ll be in bed by then.

Leafysuburb · 03/12/2023 20:33

Ok so just say "if you do them just after dinner I will put them away but if you're happy to leave them until just before you go to bed then you need to sort them out in the morning"

And when you get up with ds you get clean bowls out of the cupboard, not from the washed pile, and leave for him to sort out. If you don't have enough bowls buy more.

SnowWhitesSM · 03/12/2023 20:34

Does he wipe the sides/take out the rubbish/recycling/sweep the floor and actually sort the kitchen or does he just do the dishes?