Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what mum life is?

61 replies

jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:37

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable - maybe I'm lazy / selfish / not got my priorities right?

I'm finding being a mum sooooo hard. DS is 10 months old and I just feel like I do nothing but clean the house, do things that have to be done or chase my DS around the house.

I know the house is being made worse by Christmas decorations, but I feel over-stimulated ALL the time when I'm home. It is never just nice and tidy - we have a cleaner so I'm not too worried about cleanliness, but keeping the house tidy with a baby, a dog and two adults in the house is a full time job. DH does his fair share but it still feels like too much.

The 'to do' list is also endless. Household tasks like shopping etc, packing DS's bags for childcare each day, unpacking from the current day, organising and cooking his meals, pick this up from here, go there to buy this thing, walk the dog, feed the dog... we do spend plenty of time with friends and family but by the time we've seen them and then tackled some of the to do list, there's no time left even for a solo bath! Again, DH does his fair share but we just don’t ever stop.

DS is crawling, trying to walk, grabbing everything, crying when he isn't doing exactly what he wants to be (though who knows what that is at any given moment), throwing food (that I've just cooked) everywhere. There are glimpses of a happy baby when we're doing things or if I get it right in a given moment, but I feel like I get it wrong 90% of the time.

My AIBU is.... is parenting just this hard and I have unreasonable expectations??
YABU - suck it up and stop making a mountain out of a molehill!
YANBU - yep! It's painful!

And if anyone is able to give me glimpses of future happiness, I would appreciate it!!

OP posts:
Clydagh · 03/12/2023 19:42

Honestly, no, that wasn’t my experience when DS was ten months. I’d gone back to work, he was with a good childminder, and we had a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. I don’t remember tidiness being much on my mind, I think I was primarily focused on work, and on how much more I enjoyed parenting when I wasn’t on maternity leave. Is the dog really making that much work?

Girasoli · 03/12/2023 19:45

YANBU older babies are tiring! 6months to about 18m is my least favourite bit of parenting...they can move, you need to feed them actual food not just milk, and they have 0 sense of danger. It'll get better soon(ish).

By about 2 they can tell you what snack they want/fetch their own shoes/have stopped tripping over their own feet.

By about 3.5(ish) you'll be going out again with no nappy bag and no buggy!

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 03/12/2023 19:49

My ds is 16m and walking and my days are pretty much like this. He's into everything! Anything I tidy or put away is dragged back out within a few mins. Putting washing on the airer, it's pulled off again. Etc.. He's a climber too so constantly trying to climb up things.

I can only really get things done when he's asleep, but it's a catch 22 as I want to sit down for five and relax instead.

My 4 Yr dd is sooooo much easier age wise. I can't remember what age exactly she became easier though, think it was around 2.5-3yrs

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:51

Clydagh · 03/12/2023 19:42

Honestly, no, that wasn’t my experience when DS was ten months. I’d gone back to work, he was with a good childminder, and we had a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. I don’t remember tidiness being much on my mind, I think I was primarily focused on work, and on how much more I enjoyed parenting when I wasn’t on maternity leave. Is the dog really making that much work?

No not really. She's a good girl and we have a dog walker. It's just this weekend! It's felt like something else!!

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 03/12/2023 19:52

You have my sympathies. It's hard!

Try to make life easier for yourself e.g there is no need for xmas decs to be up now. We don't bother until mid December as my youngest will just want to grab everything!

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:53

Clydagh · 03/12/2023 19:42

Honestly, no, that wasn’t my experience when DS was ten months. I’d gone back to work, he was with a good childminder, and we had a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. I don’t remember tidiness being much on my mind, I think I was primarily focused on work, and on how much more I enjoyed parenting when I wasn’t on maternity leave. Is the dog really making that much work?

Interestingly, I went back to work this week and while I enjoyed the balance, I'm finding not being able to do anything in the day quite tough.

OP posts:
Ohtobetwentytwo · 03/12/2023 19:53

Specifically what does DH do that constitutes a fair share of household labour and childcare?

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:54

Girasoli · 03/12/2023 19:45

YANBU older babies are tiring! 6months to about 18m is my least favourite bit of parenting...they can move, you need to feed them actual food not just milk, and they have 0 sense of danger. It'll get better soon(ish).

By about 2 they can tell you what snack they want/fetch their own shoes/have stopped tripping over their own feet.

By about 3.5(ish) you'll be going out again with no nappy bag and no buggy!

Thank you!! A lot of people say that 2yo is the game changer!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:57

bakewellbride · 03/12/2023 19:52

You have my sympathies. It's hard!

Try to make life easier for yourself e.g there is no need for xmas decs to be up now. We don't bother until mid December as my youngest will just want to grab everything!

This is a really good point. we just wanted to start the magic of his first Christmas and I love the tree but everything else just feels like too much to keep out of his reach! Seems silly to take it all down to put it back up again now but noted for next year!!

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 03/12/2023 19:59

For me mum life got easier by ten months with ds and 11 months with dd . You've got easier and happier times ahead of u soon Flowers

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 20:01

Ohtobetwentytwo · 03/12/2023 19:53

Specifically what does DH do that constitutes a fair share of household labour and childcare?

He'll do half of the chasing around when we're both at home (he does actually work longer hours than me but he brings in 3x my salary so I don’t think I can hold it against him!!). He does all of the washing (except the putting away which does drive me mad but as flaws go...). He tidies around when he's free from DS, he is the functional spouse so makes sure we never run out of toilet paper, bulk buys the dog's food, does everything in the garage/garden etc.

I really can’t fault him! I really don’t think this is a DH issue.

OP posts:
katmarie · 03/12/2023 20:04

Honestly, 10 - 18 months was the hardest for me. They're mobile, willful, no sense of danger, and no way of telling you what they want. It foes get easier I promise. Mine are 4 and 5 now and life has calmed down a bit.

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 20:08

Sorry OP it is all basically incredibly tedious. You could stick with one kid and then you'll be out of it in a few years when they go off to pre school.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 20:14

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 20:08

Sorry OP it is all basically incredibly tedious. You could stick with one kid and then you'll be out of it in a few years when they go off to pre school.

I know what you mean... we have considered that. We'll wait and see how things pan out for the next year then make a call! If we could skip to the Disney film Sundays and Biff Chip and Kipper reading books, I think I'll be better at this!

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 03/12/2023 20:15

Yep and the answer is basically lower your expectations! And ideally get some help/time to yourself.

Woush · 03/12/2023 20:22

I read this as a mum of four and think wistfully of the days when I just had one, and she was a little toddler, and life was so much simpler and easier.

Mountain out of a molehill? Yeah, I think so. It's one if those things you won't realise until you look back tho.

Thefaceofboe · 03/12/2023 20:26

I found around that age pretty miserable tbh and probably the worst age, it was all so tedious and she did nothing. My daughter has just turned 2 and I love being a mum so much. Hang in there!

StBernie · 03/12/2023 20:31

Try and make life easier for yourselves. Do your food shopping online, batch cook so you’re not cooking every day, declutter so there’s less stuff around. Don’t worry too much about having a tidy house.

I can’t relate to the packing/unpacking nursery bag issue - isn’t it just shoving clean clothes in there and then once they’re dirty putting them in the laundry basket? Or do you have to pack lots of other things too?

SALWARP2023 · 03/12/2023 20:31

Your expectations are too high. The house may be untidy but it's clean so it doesn't matter. Try to have a sort out so there is less for DS to get into. It won't get much better for a long time yet so focus on enjoying motherhood and not viewing it as a chore.

Firsttimemum120 · 03/12/2023 20:42

I found the first year the hardest my girl is two next week and this year hadnt beeen so hard and I’m hoping next year will be even better mentally. I suffer with anxiety and depression and I really did struggle with the change in the first 12 months so it may be the same for you! I’m hoping so and you’ll soon feel and seee it for the beautiful thing that it is and can be ❤️ Don’t beat yourself up about it we’ve all felt it from time to time and probably will again! Xx

Leafysuburb · 03/12/2023 20:43

You just need a system so things are routine not always a "oh shit I forgot..."

Keep the nursery bag on a hook next to the clothes airer/washing machine so things go straight out and new things in again.

Batch cook meals and freeze in 10 month old portions and buy frozen veg so you just zap the meal for a few mins in the microwave.

Get a mobile play pen, move it around the house with you.

Put a play pen/gate around the Xmas tree.

Set up subscribe and save shops on Amazon so things you need just arrive when you need them.

Leafysuburb · 03/12/2023 20:44

Get cupboard locks for everything too before DS pulls out every single thing you own 300 times a day

takemeoutonight · 03/12/2023 20:47

Well no, mum life changes and adapts as your children grow and change too. You're less than a year in. There's lots of time left for things to feel less intense and the housework won't seem so important when you find your rhythm. You're also just back at work which is another change so give yourself some slack. The first 5 years were the hardest in my opinion. Now they're high school age there's different struggles but overall it is much, much simpler! I have confidence in my abilities and me and hubby work as a proper team. You'll get there. Just give it time.

Celerylover · 03/12/2023 20:49

I feel like you've just described how I felt... and still feel some days
It's like a never ending pursuit, chasing my tail, bottom of the pecking order feeling.

Endlessly doing jobs with baby clinging to me/wanting to be carried/out to run errands, clean, tidy, do a part time job and then parent and be a partner. It's ALOT. But it does go in ebs and flows now. Same as you- my partner chips in where he can around a very demanding job.

Baby is 14 months old. Some days are better than others and as she gets older and understands more it's all becoming more... tolerable? I don't know if that's the right word? I LOVE being a mum - but it's doing EVERYTHING ELSE around it that's the hard bit for me.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/12/2023 20:51

I don’t really remember it being a huge issue. Babies/small kids can be messy, when dd2 was about 2 her and her friend used to have almost daily toothpaste fights in the bathroom!! But I just never remember it being such a big deal. I didn’t have a cleaner or a dog walker, but I did only work evenings when the DC were small and I was only in my early 20s so had loads of energy. Now late 30s and not sure if cope so well now, despite being fit and active.