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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what mum life is?

61 replies

jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 19:37

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable - maybe I'm lazy / selfish / not got my priorities right?

I'm finding being a mum sooooo hard. DS is 10 months old and I just feel like I do nothing but clean the house, do things that have to be done or chase my DS around the house.

I know the house is being made worse by Christmas decorations, but I feel over-stimulated ALL the time when I'm home. It is never just nice and tidy - we have a cleaner so I'm not too worried about cleanliness, but keeping the house tidy with a baby, a dog and two adults in the house is a full time job. DH does his fair share but it still feels like too much.

The 'to do' list is also endless. Household tasks like shopping etc, packing DS's bags for childcare each day, unpacking from the current day, organising and cooking his meals, pick this up from here, go there to buy this thing, walk the dog, feed the dog... we do spend plenty of time with friends and family but by the time we've seen them and then tackled some of the to do list, there's no time left even for a solo bath! Again, DH does his fair share but we just don’t ever stop.

DS is crawling, trying to walk, grabbing everything, crying when he isn't doing exactly what he wants to be (though who knows what that is at any given moment), throwing food (that I've just cooked) everywhere. There are glimpses of a happy baby when we're doing things or if I get it right in a given moment, but I feel like I get it wrong 90% of the time.

My AIBU is.... is parenting just this hard and I have unreasonable expectations??
YABU - suck it up and stop making a mountain out of a molehill!
YANBU - yep! It's painful!

And if anyone is able to give me glimpses of future happiness, I would appreciate it!!

OP posts:
Nollie12 · 03/12/2023 20:53

I found 7/8 months - 18 months grim (when in the house - out and about I loved it!) Couldn’t be in the house with her because she just pulled things out, made mess and it was a constant cycle of feed, clean up, clear up mess, repeat. At 18 months she could suddenly tell me what she wanted, played with toys more than the spice jar drawer and could even put rubbish in the bin / feed the dog / fetch me my slippers. Life changing! Hang on in there!!

ditalini · 03/12/2023 20:54

Do you find it impossible to relax unless everything is done? I know some people do.

For me, a solo bath after a day wrangling a mobile baby would be more important than anything and I would take it (or any other smallish non-parenting decompression activity).

Either lower your standards (see above re: knowing not everyone can do this) or grt your dh to facilitate regularly for your wellbeing which is important.

Tortoisetowers · 03/12/2023 20:57

Are you swamped with toys and clothes?

Could you declutter or try toy- rotation so fewer items are out?

SiennaMillar · 03/12/2023 21:00

I really feel for you, it is not easy.

I think, to survive the early days, you have to set yourself up for success and make your life as problem-free as possible. So, instead of chasing him round the house, close the door so he’s confined to one room and make sure it’s safe. Instead of him throwing food, feed it to him. Maybe try putting him to bed earlier if you’re not getting the chance to have a bath.

OnWhatGrounds · 03/12/2023 21:02

Girasoli · 03/12/2023 19:45

YANBU older babies are tiring! 6months to about 18m is my least favourite bit of parenting...they can move, you need to feed them actual food not just milk, and they have 0 sense of danger. It'll get better soon(ish).

By about 2 they can tell you what snack they want/fetch their own shoes/have stopped tripping over their own feet.

By about 3.5(ish) you'll be going out again with no nappy bag and no buggy!

This ^
Except 0-2 years was hard for me and after that it's getting better incrementally. Although I'm scarred from so hard it was and it's put me off another for a while.
Balancing work is so hard with a child

catsnore · 03/12/2023 21:12

The grabbing stuff and wrecking your house and chucking food around gets easier. Quite fast too! And then just when you get comfy, along comes potty training 😂😬

After a lot of analysis, I find that what I actually need is not a different baby/house/routine etc etc. What I need is time to myself. Alone. With no other humans nearby 😂

surreygirl1987 · 03/12/2023 21:12

If we could skip to the Disney film Sundays and Biff Chip and Kipper reading books, I think I'll be better at this!

We are just getting to this stage now. It's the best It's been so far. It's exhausting but much less tedious. Our house is still never tidy though (we work full time too). 2 very energetic boys.

Sunset6 · 03/12/2023 21:21

Wait until you have two of them on your hands, that’s when the fun really starts 😵‍💫

Sodullincomparison · 03/12/2023 21:22

I cleared and cleaned the dining table eight times today.

drinks, snacks, meals, crafts, colouring, glue dots - just carnage throughout the day.

it will get easier but there are days which make you just want to think of excuses to get out of the house. 😂

today I asked if anybody wanted to help me clean the bathroom upstairs. Selective deafness and I went for a 30 minute nap whilst they avoided upstairs in case I gave them ‘jobs’

LadyofLaundry88 · 03/12/2023 21:25

Pregnant with 3rd. We can’t afford a cleaner, so your life sounds lovely tbh and I definitely look back on time with DD1 now with wistful longing 😂 a hindsight phenomenon but you are INCREDIBLY mobile/agile with just one to manage—I imagine you likely still get ‘nap breaks’? Try if you can to make the most of it! Go out for a coffee/to the shops/to see Christmas lights—just one pushchair to manage! Bliss!

RedRobyn2021 · 03/12/2023 21:26

Sounds about right to me

It's much more fun when they're toddlers I think though

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:27

StBernie · 03/12/2023 20:31

Try and make life easier for yourselves. Do your food shopping online, batch cook so you’re not cooking every day, declutter so there’s less stuff around. Don’t worry too much about having a tidy house.

I can’t relate to the packing/unpacking nursery bag issue - isn’t it just shoving clean clothes in there and then once they’re dirty putting them in the laundry basket? Or do you have to pack lots of other things too?

It's more that we have more than one childcare provider and they all want slightly different things. I do think this task will become easier as we get into a rhythm. I only went back to work last week.

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 03/12/2023 21:28

After they are asleep (9pm), it's me time. Pre me time it's meeting their needs and getting jobs done (in the main). It's a slog alright. It's supposedly less intense when your youngest child is around 6.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:30

Leafysuburb · 03/12/2023 20:44

Get cupboard locks for everything too before DS pulls out every single thing you own 300 times a day

Ha! Did this today. I now have to use a magnet to open my cupboards which will be a blessing in the long run but definitely made today harder!

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 03/12/2023 21:31

That age is tough but you need to lower your expectations. Your house won't be as clean and tidy as it was before you had a baby. Once you make peace with that, you'll find less to do. I have a friend who is constantly complaining of being exhausted with 2 DC but emulates Mrs Hinch and literally wakes at 6am to scrub skirting boards.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:34

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/12/2023 20:51

I don’t really remember it being a huge issue. Babies/small kids can be messy, when dd2 was about 2 her and her friend used to have almost daily toothpaste fights in the bathroom!! But I just never remember it being such a big deal. I didn’t have a cleaner or a dog walker, but I did only work evenings when the DC were small and I was only in my early 20s so had loads of energy. Now late 30s and not sure if cope so well now, despite being fit and active.

This is interesting... I wonder if me being an older first time mum has anything to do with it. I've been trying to get to the gym to be a bit stronger and fitter hoping I'll be able to keep up with him!

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 03/12/2023 21:36

Yanbu but you need to get out !!! Leave the mess and crap for a day or two, because this age onwards they just make mess behind whatever you are tidying. Plan some nice trips out and sod what the house looks like.

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:37

Tortoisetowers · 03/12/2023 20:57

Are you swamped with toys and clothes?

Could you declutter or try toy- rotation so fewer items are out?

Yes! This is on my to do list. Someone up thread asked if I'm the kind of person who can’t relax until things are done. I am and I think this might be the best example because I want to rotate toys but I've been waiting until I can afford to buy somewhere 'nice' for the not-current toys to go. But I could just put them in a box somewhere, couldn't I, and get the task done!? Own worst enemy maybe?

OP posts:
curaçao · 03/12/2023 21:40

The first 20 years are the worst!

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:40

LadyofLaundry88 · 03/12/2023 21:25

Pregnant with 3rd. We can’t afford a cleaner, so your life sounds lovely tbh and I definitely look back on time with DD1 now with wistful longing 😂 a hindsight phenomenon but you are INCREDIBLY mobile/agile with just one to manage—I imagine you likely still get ‘nap breaks’? Try if you can to make the most of it! Go out for a coffee/to the shops/to see Christmas lights—just one pushchair to manage! Bliss!

Ha ha - point taken but no... he doesn't really nap unless he's on me so I spend quite a bit of time nap trapped and frustrated about the things that need to be done!

OP posts:
bucksfizz23 · 03/12/2023 21:41

If you are always chasing him around the house, get out of the house! Honestly it's so much easier to go out than stay in sometimes. A run in the park, a museum, even a cafe. Even watching the world go by from a buggy will be stimulating for him and tire him out for when you get home.

The to do list is always endless. The mental load never really goes away. It just changes from 'have I refilled to nappy bag' to 'have i signed that form for school'.

And you have a cleaner and dog walker which is more than most!

Devilsmommy · 03/12/2023 21:41

When mine was 10mo he was walking independently already and it was a bloody nightmare. He's 14mo now so still constantly needing me and unlike you I've got him 24/7 as I'm a sahm. It is relentlessly tedious doing the same thing constantly and never having a moment to yourself but I'm just waiting for the time to pass and for it to get easier to know what he wants 😁

Original poster
jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:43

Heatherbell1978 · 03/12/2023 21:31

That age is tough but you need to lower your expectations. Your house won't be as clean and tidy as it was before you had a baby. Once you make peace with that, you'll find less to do. I have a friend who is constantly complaining of being exhausted with 2 DC but emulates Mrs Hinch and literally wakes at 6am to scrub skirting boards.

Another interesting point. I do wonder whether coming off social media, where all these people with perfect homes reside, might do me some favours.

There's a pattern here isn't there. I'm creating the problem. I should be enjoying cuddling my DS rather than worrying about tidying the kitchen while he's asleep.

OP posts:
Libre2 · 03/12/2023 21:43

OK - future vision - I have just had one of the best weekends ever. I took DS (nearly 15) to stay with his godmother near London. We pottered up on Friday (and yes I took him out of school) listening to podcasts. Saturday morning, I got up, left him watching shite on YouTube and I went and did Parkrun, then we got the train into London, wandered round the square mile, had lunch, went to the science museum, had a fun, chatty evening with my friend, then pootled back today. At one point I nearly had to pull over as I was laughing so hard.

DH has also had a lovely weekend with DD.

It is not always like this and DS is a royal pain in the arse on occasions and we have our moments of hell and tedium. BUT I would not go back to the toddler years - it is unremitting hard work. Hang in there. Life is fun - just rexognise the fun moments and get through the rest.

Libre2 · 03/12/2023 21:45

jellybeanathome · 03/12/2023 21:43

Another interesting point. I do wonder whether coming off social media, where all these people with perfect homes reside, might do me some favours.

There's a pattern here isn't there. I'm creating the problem. I should be enjoying cuddling my DS rather than worrying about tidying the kitchen while he's asleep.

Show quote history

And yes, the best piece of advice ever "comparison is the thief of joy". It's true.