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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be raging about this school scheme?

260 replies

Promdiddlyontomtom · 03/12/2023 17:01

Hi, name changed as potentially very outing.

Have found out recently that my daughter's school has introduced a 'Points for Prom' incentive newest low.

The school get good results.

The demographic has some challenges and therefore they have a VERY strict regime and the kids are controlled with strict policies and sanctions (and a little praise- the balance is well out). The kids get detention if they don't get 100% in HW for example.

This is, IMO, the lowest they have gone.

Their newest bright idea- the young people have to earn 'behaviour points' to be in with a chance to get a ticket for their Y11 prom.

Apparently there's not enough spaces for all pupils (they only have spaces for 2/3 of the pupils... so find a bigger venue then!)

This is not an incentive and should not be used as a reward for 'good behaviour'.

Surely this is just a control tactic. A punishment for not toeing the line.

AIBU to think that all teens should get the opportunity to go to the end of school celebration? It draws the line after 12 years of compulsory education, a stressful period of formal exams, and friendships going in different directions (there's no sixth form). It marks the end of an era. Why should they be told they cannot go? Why shouldn't they be able to mark the end of years of education - for some this may have been a struggle all the way through- with their friends. There'll be no closure.

For the record, I've no concerns that my daughter will be excluded. I just think it's an awful idea.

What do you think?

OP posts:

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/12/2023 20:45

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2023 19:54

Could you get a parents committee together to boycott the schools prom and organise your own?

I would definitely be causing a fuss with the Governers on this one, and include the local press if it makes no difference.

The governing body will have nothing to do with it. It's an operational decision by the Head and SLT.

Scarletttulips · 03/12/2023 20:46

I don’t believe a whole 1/3 of the school have behaviour so difficult they couldn’t attend a prom

Then clearly you don’t work in a school.

Scarletttulips · 03/12/2023 20:47

Schools struggle to exclude kids from schools - even those who have beaten up teachers and told staff to F Off -

But they can exclude from an out of school activity. Like PO said natural consequences.

YOOHOOHEYITSME · 03/12/2023 21:00

just got to say posts like this and so many others i see per day validate every time why i chose home education(and ive seen so many the last few months) and im glad my 13 and 19 y old was never in the system

it was rubbish in 2009(oldest should have started at 5 due to a September birthday)when i went down this route but i did it for SEN reasons

but the last 4 years or so the school system is so broken and getting worse every single day
my nephew is 13 y9 and had a week worth of detention last week just because he said in RE he was a atheist

LuluBlakey1 · 03/12/2023 21:05

There are some ridiculous comments on this thread and parents who seem to think schools should not have sanctions systems and you believe any ridiculous rumour you hear from a teenager. A number of you sound like the kind of ranting parents that, in another thread, others are saying they have no idea how teachers put up with you or with the badly behaved children in their classes.

I won't be returning to this thread.

Rolla23 · 03/12/2023 21:12

Thats awful! I get that there are sanctions for behaviour but they need to assume 100% of children will be going. Otherwise they’ll have to start penalising children just to get numbers down.

Zebedee999 · 03/12/2023 21:12

Some teachers I know struggle with very poorly behaved kids. The teachers can try whatever they like to improve kids behaviour as far as I am concerned as parenting is lacking in many cases.

00100001 · 03/12/2023 21:14

barbieofswanlake · 03/12/2023 17:26

I presume the teachers organise the prom? And give up their evening unpaid to supervise it? If so they have a right to extend it only to the kids they wish to, who they believe will behave well and not create any problems for them on the night

@Ilovelurchers yes that's really sensible, and completely reflects real life. I'm sure if your workplace organised a staff Christmas party and managers gave up time to organise this then it's perfectly reasonable to extend the invitation only "to those they wish to" based on nothing more than "who they believe" would behave well

Why do people think it's ok for kids to be treated like second class citizens?

Well, you'd presume that if an employee threw a chair at their supervisor and called them a fucking cunt and stormed out of the door... They wouldn't be an employee so wouldn't be going to the Christmas party...

00100001 · 03/12/2023 21:15

Daisies12 · 03/12/2023 20:41

That’s awful. I’d be organising an alternative prom that all the students can attend. School and exams don’t matter as long as they do well enough to get to their next stage.

Crack on love try and find enough adults to supervise delinquent teenagers that are drunk and violent.

Soontobe60 · 03/12/2023 21:16

The thing is, this kind of ‘incentive’ will absolutely backfire as the students who are the most challenging are often those whose home lives are pretty shit anyway and may very well have parents who can’t afford or won’t fork out for prom tickets anyway. So those students will continue to play up for the kudos of being banned which looks better and gives them more credibility that them having to say their parents won’t pay for them anyway.
I hate the whole prom farce!

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 03/12/2023 21:16

00100001 · 03/12/2023 21:14

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

00100001 · 03/12/2023 21:17

electriclight · 03/12/2023 20:35

They'll have enough space for everyone. They won't tell a third of the cohort that they can't go. They've just told the kids that there's a shortage of tickets so they step up.

I quite like it as an idea. It is within their own control to behave, attend revision classes etc to earn points. I don't think I understand why op and some pp are so angry. They know what they need to do if they want to go. Natural consequences if they don't do it.

I think adjustments would need to be made for SEN pupils though. Attending after school revision classes for example might be too difficult after a full day at school.

Well, if they make exceptions for SEN students, then they must make exceptions for children who aren't able to attend for any reason at all. Like what if they have to pick up a sibling? Or are carers? Or have an Extra curricular commitment...

There has to be a line somewhere in the sand.

dayone · 03/12/2023 21:19

LuluBlakey1 · 03/12/2023 20:42

I also know of a parent who was 'fuming' that her son and his friend were told they could not attend the prom because they had been caught drug dealing just before Easter of Y11. She made a huge fuss and said she was organising her own prom, had a venue, was organising catering etc and already had 50 + Y11s who were attending her prom. She went to the local paper, on Facebook, complained to the LA, to Ofsted (who were uninterested) blah, blah!

None of the Y11 went to her prom- they wanted to be with the school, their friends and the staff who'd taught them and looked after them. Parents didn't want their children going to her prom. They wanted them looked after, properly supervised in a venue used to managing events like this. They trusted the school. Proms are usually lovely occasions and schools make a huge effort to make them fun and exciting and celebratory and a really happy end to that tough year. All the woman's shouting and mouthing off was just horrible, spiteful, hot air, as ever.

I think most sane parents will agree that drug dealing is an acceptable reason to get banned from prom. That isn't what the OP is upset about, is it?

electriclight · 03/12/2023 21:37

"Well, if they make exceptions for SEN students, then they must make exceptions for children who aren't able to attend for any reason at all. Like what if they have to pick up a sibling? Or are carers? Or have an Extra curricular commitment..."

No I wouldn't equate a legal requirement for a reasonable adjustment, to address a disability, with any of those other things.

uninterestingusernamealert · 03/12/2023 21:52

There has to be a line somewhere in the sand.

There is already a very clear line in the sand - children who fall under the remit of the The Equality Act. Those for whom adjustments must be made by law.

CasperGutman · 03/12/2023 22:03

That's a crap idea. Excluding a sizable portion of the kids from prom doesn't just punish them (and for nothing in particular - just not being quite as good at winning points as the others!). It punishes their friends.

stomachameleon · 03/12/2023 22:29

@CasperGutman In my experience their mates are either with them or are fed up with them by prom.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/12/2023 22:36

I don’t believe a whole 1/3 of the school have behaviour so difficult they couldn’t attend a prom

Well it depends what level of behaviour you think would merit not being allowed to the prom, doesn't it? If you excluded everyone who, for example, had been vaping in the school toilets, that would probably be more than 1/3 of my ds' school's Y11 cohort, according to him! That's still pretty mild compared with lots of the behaviour problems though, sadly.

ExtendingLead · 03/12/2023 22:49

The school sounds awful. Last year my kids’ school had a ‘leavers ball’ in the dining room and a marquee. All kids attended and there were no behaviour issues. It was inclusive and a lovely way to say bye to friends.

And shock horror, some of the fabulous teachers attended voluntarily because they liked the kids…and got a free meal ;-)

Not all schools are feral jungles with violent pupils, hateful parents and resentful bitter teachers. Some are inclusive and welcoming and foster good attitudes in their pupils without the need for extreme sanctions and incentives.

00100001 · 04/12/2023 08:02

uninterestingusernamealert · 03/12/2023 21:52

There has to be a line somewhere in the sand.

There is already a very clear line in the sand - children who fall under the remit of the The Equality Act. Those for whom adjustments must be made by law.

Ok, so... You think it's fair that 1 child who can't attend through no fault of their own gets to go, but the other child through no fault of their own who is having to get home to pickup a sibling and then go to home to care can't go?

That's bollocks. The rule of having to attend after school revision sessions is bullshit.

WandaWonder · 04/12/2023 08:10

Doesn't sound perfect but you play by the rules and behave you don't miss out should be a basic requirement

And it might encourage parents to do something about children who misbehave and not come up with excuses

lljkk · 04/12/2023 08:11

Did you choose this school OP or was it the very nearest/only school your DC was offered?

DailyMailHater · 04/12/2023 08:15

Common for schools in my area prom attendance is based on
attendance hitting a certain level - (they will be lenient on this if you have a know condition)
and
negative behaviour points being below a certain level you can’t attend prom.

i don’t necessarily agree with the attendance criteria but kind of get the behaviour points one

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 04/12/2023 08:56

They mustve taken their inspo from China. They have a points system there as well. Awful

uninterestingusernamealert · 04/12/2023 09:36

@00100001 No, I don't think it's particularly fair.

You said there needs to be a line in the sand. There is. A very, very clear legal one. Children with disabilities must be afforded adjustments by school, in law.

Other children who may have other difficulties for other circumstances do not, unless they fall under any other legislation that covers this.

I'd expect a school to take a common-sense and fair approach to things like this.

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