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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful to be dreading going on holiday with my (very nice!) dad

124 replies

amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 14:04

So my dad lives abroad and whilst I do occasionally come to visit him or he visits me in our respective countries, it's easiest in terms of flights to meet at a beachside holiday destination. My dad is paying for me to come on a 3 week holiday with my 2 year old daughter at a 5 star luxury resort, sandy beach, beautiful. I should really be grateful.

BUT I’m really dreading it. My daughter is hard work, as are most 2 year olds. My dad doesn’t help much, he’s very much a loving grandad who will pop in for a quick game of chase with her, might read her a book or two, but not someone keen to do more. His stance on it is he’s older, he’s done that with his own kids, grandparents’ roles are to enjoy grandkids. Plus he feels by taking us to luxury resorts he’s already treating us. And he is. Every time he sees us I can tell he adores my daughter, looks thrilled when she runs to hug him, and she loves him too!

At least at home I’ve got my husband who comes home in the evenings and after work he can help out. Here my dad will go out with his girlfriend for dinner whilst I have to stay in as no way would my 2 year old sit still in a restaurant, she’d want to be running around and exploring. At home I could meet up with mum friends for a play date. Here it’ll just be me and my daughter playing in the sand all day, whilst my dad comes in for a quick play from time to time, but mostly will be relaxing on the beach like a grownup. Just feels like the holiday would be very tiring and lonely. I know my dad would be quite surprised if I didn’t go, he’d think I’m ungrateful and it would definitely create tension.

My husband would join for the first week but after that he’s got to go back to work due to limited holiday allowance.

Boo hoo first world problems, i know. Am I just being an ungrateful spoilt girl?!

OP posts:
Original poster
amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 18:05

NorthernAttitude · 03/12/2023 18:04

If you can afford a full time housekeeper are you sure you can't afford your own flight home after 2 weeks? This is all a bit weird.

I can afford it, yes, didn't say I can't.

But there's also other factors that I'm not sure I'm comfortable flying with a toddler alone.

And he would definitely take offence to it "because it's been agreed", which would make the trip have a bit of an atmosphere

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 03/12/2023 18:08

🙄weird

RandomMess · 03/12/2023 18:16

I wouldn't be going it sounds incredibly boring. 2 weeks away on my own with DC and no adult company to speak of. It reads like you and DD are accessories to him having a nice break. Certainly not about spending time as a grandparent.

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2023 18:24

I think you have to suck it up and brave your df being upset. It is completely reasonable to go back with your dh after a week.

If he won't go along with that, give him a cheery 'oh well, could we come and stay for a weekend after you get back? Have a lovely time!'

You need to switch over to being the matriarch where YOUR family are concerned.

NorthernAttitude · 03/12/2023 18:24

This sounds unkind, but unless there are other factors here that you haven't shared then you sound a bit wussy. You're worried about offending your dad, you're not wanting to fly with one child alone... every suggestion anyone makes you say won't work. If you're not willing to stand up for what you want or fly without company then you just have to suck it up. And it's quite hard to feel sorry for you.

Benmac · 03/12/2023 18:32

Seriously look into babysitting/ childcare whilst you are there. Use the money you have saved because your dad is paying. Don't feel guilty. Kids are hard work. Try to spend time with your lovely dad.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/12/2023 18:36

123sunshine · 03/12/2023 15:46

Honestly I always took my children to restaurants at all ages babies, toddlers and beyond, in the uk and abroad on holiday. As I always ate with them at the table at home for dinner dinner times. They were simply not allowed to run around, they learnt how to behave at a meal table. Children need to learn to eat out at restaurants. I’d have taken mine out every evening for dinner, not sitting in by myself. 3 weeks though is too long. Can your husband not join you even if only part of the holiday, or go for a shorter time.

That's all very well as long as the adults at the table are willing to include the child in everything eg pass LO around for a cuddle, or take them for a walk round the immediate vicinity, or play a little game with them, or sit them on their knee and share some food with them etc. Like they do in Greek and Italian families. It sounds like the child's grandad wouldn't probably want to engage too much, and just wants to LOOK at the child and smile indulgently while he eats his food and holds an adult-focussed conversation.

Allthingsdecember · 03/12/2023 18:43

Aren’t you at least excited for your daughter to have a lovely time? I have two toddlers and holidays aren’t exactly relaxing… but much of the excitement comes from watching them experience lovely things.

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2023 18:46

Tbh I don't think 2 year olds really benefit that much from big holidays/experiences, at least not in comparison to the amount of effort required from the adults. They won't remember any of it. Tbh at this age they're excited by going upstairs together or seeing a dog in the park. If the aim is for the children to benefit, why not enjoy keeping things simple?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/12/2023 18:50

amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 18:03

He's happy to pay for a babysitter in the evenings but my daughter wouldn't stay with one, at least not without significant time before of getting used to the babysitter (by which time we'd be leaving anyway)

At meal times I can order whatever I like in the room service menu for myself and my daughter.

I guess he sees it as socialising but he kind of pops in and out. For example:
8am everyone gets up to have breakfast together (no obligation, but it just seems like a convenient time when everyone gets up). He might do a bit of peekaboo with my daughter at the table, pass her some of his food to try if she's curious. If she needs help eating, I help, if she's asking to get up and leave then I leave. His breakfast is leisurely.
After breakfast: everyone is on the beach but he's doing his thing, reading his book or newspaper, swimming etc, whereas I am playing with my daughter. We might join him for 2 mins in the sea but he quickly swims off because he wants to do a proper swim rather than just splashing around on the shore. Might play in the sand with her for 5 mins if she's playful but if she has a tantrum at any point he leaves or hands her back.
Lunch: ordered in the restaurant. I come for the 10 mins to eat and feed my daughter, she won't sit still for too long (unless I do screens, which I don't want to), they have a proper lunch with drinks and chat. My dad, again, might give her some of his food if she wants it and if I'm ok with it. Might play with her and her toys for 5 mins but not getting up from the table.
Afternoon: she'll have a nap. Same as morning beach time really.
6-7pm: him and gf head in and start getting ready for dinner. DD and I might order room service. He could play with her for 5 mins whilst everyone is in the room (it's more like a suite with 2 bedrooms and a shared living room) but briefly and only if she's happy / laughing. If she cries he hands her back

Show quote history

Doesn't he watch your DD when you're having a shower/getting ready for dinner etc? Even when you go and have a poo! 😆 At home it's usually easier to do those things as your home and routine is more set up to do that. It's often harder in a holiday home or hotel.

Princessfluffy · 03/12/2023 19:01

You clearly have a very privileged life OP as a SAHM of one with a full time housekeeper. Why not just do what you want?

RedHotWings · 03/12/2023 19:06

It does feel like you are reaching out for reasons why it won't work, as in you won't change things or try things. If he is happy to pay for a babysitter but your response is that it is not possible / worth it... Surely you'd be close by and DC would be asleep

ExtendingLead · 03/12/2023 19:19

Your dad’s behaviour sounds rather controlling. I don’t like the sound of it. Fun on his terms.

regularmumnotacoolmum · 03/12/2023 19:21

Sorry I know I'm going against the grain but I do think YABU. You're free to do as you please during the time you're there. It's 3 weeks out of 52 & your dad is footing the bill. At 2 years old there's so much your child could benefit from during that time and experiences she may not be able to when she's older.

Temporaryanonymity · 03/12/2023 19:26

Take a nanny! You sound like you can afford it.

Kitkat1523 · 03/12/2023 19:27

Temporaryanonymity · 03/12/2023 19:26

Take a nanny! You sound like you can afford it.

Exactly….I’m sure your housekeeper who cleans your house and cooks your meals would enjoy a little holiday

Tereseta · 03/12/2023 19:29

I think you just need to suck it up tbh. Try and chill and not have any expectations of formal meals etc. Try to nap by the pool in her buggy, but if not just enjoy the change of scene.
Try to chat to other people with young children round the pool for some social. It is what it is, you know what to expect from your Dad so don't expect more.
It is hard with a two yo but I imagine it is a damm sight easier in a posh resort in the sun than in cold drizzle England.

Summermeadowflowers · 03/12/2023 19:29

you are free to do as you please

You must know different two year olds to me!

Tereseta · 03/12/2023 19:30

Or take a nanny!

Caterina99 · 03/12/2023 20:00

To be honest 2 weeks at a beach resort essentially alone with a toddler really wouldn’t appeal to me much. And I was a sahm (sadly no housekeeper though) when mine were that age so I was used to managing them all day.

I’d go for a week with DH for sure, and maybe a week by myself. 2 weeks alone though is too long. Yes flying alone with a small child isn’t the most fun, but it’s not that bad. Not worse than a week on a beach alone with them in my opinion! Plus doesn’t sound like your dad would be that helpful anyway on the flight

I’d definitely look to getting some kind of childcare, either in the day or evening (or both), I know you say your DD won’t settle with anyone, but have you actually tried? And I’d also stick out the meals more. I don’t think mine would’ve slept in a buggy either, although maybe if it was really late, but the one holiday we went on when DS was small he had a really long nap in the day and then stayed up late in the evening and slept in later. Yes we did give him the iPad (on super quiet) once he got too squirrely after dinner, and yes we ate quicker than we’d have preferred, but we still got to have nice meals out and include DS.

suggestion for you to bring a friend is a good one too if you have someone who’d fit that bill?

Ethylred · 03/12/2023 20:07

Come off it OP, it's hard to take this seriously. Is it a wind-up? If not, are you also worried that you'll have to go on a scheduled flight and not a private jet?

Oriunda · 03/12/2023 20:56

I can see that you’re saying ´no’ to every suggestion, but I’d relax on the screens. Give your DD a screen to keep her busy during mealtimes. It won’t scar her for life.

DisquietintheRanks · 03/12/2023 21:31

amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 17:19

For people saying to enjoy it as a break from house chores - I have a full time housekeeper who cooks and cleans, so at home my only job is to look after my daughter. On holiday it would also be my only job to look after my daughter. So it isn't really a break...

My heart bleeds for you honestly.

JanglingJack · 03/12/2023 21:36

YANBU the holiday you are describing is not for a 2 year old.

It's for people who like to take it slow, laze on the beach, shower before dinner, head down to eat at 9...

I couldn't hack it with a 2 year old. You want somewhere family friendly and lively.

JanglingJack · 03/12/2023 21:39

regularmumnotacoolmum · 03/12/2023 19:21

Sorry I know I'm going against the grain but I do think YABU. You're free to do as you please during the time you're there. It's 3 weeks out of 52 & your dad is footing the bill. At 2 years old there's so much your child could benefit from during that time and experiences she may not be able to when she's older.

And her 2 year old will not remember a thing about this holiday. Pointless really.