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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful to be dreading going on holiday with my (very nice!) dad

124 replies

amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 14:04

So my dad lives abroad and whilst I do occasionally come to visit him or he visits me in our respective countries, it's easiest in terms of flights to meet at a beachside holiday destination. My dad is paying for me to come on a 3 week holiday with my 2 year old daughter at a 5 star luxury resort, sandy beach, beautiful. I should really be grateful.

BUT I’m really dreading it. My daughter is hard work, as are most 2 year olds. My dad doesn’t help much, he’s very much a loving grandad who will pop in for a quick game of chase with her, might read her a book or two, but not someone keen to do more. His stance on it is he’s older, he’s done that with his own kids, grandparents’ roles are to enjoy grandkids. Plus he feels by taking us to luxury resorts he’s already treating us. And he is. Every time he sees us I can tell he adores my daughter, looks thrilled when she runs to hug him, and she loves him too!

At least at home I’ve got my husband who comes home in the evenings and after work he can help out. Here my dad will go out with his girlfriend for dinner whilst I have to stay in as no way would my 2 year old sit still in a restaurant, she’d want to be running around and exploring. At home I could meet up with mum friends for a play date. Here it’ll just be me and my daughter playing in the sand all day, whilst my dad comes in for a quick play from time to time, but mostly will be relaxing on the beach like a grownup. Just feels like the holiday would be very tiring and lonely. I know my dad would be quite surprised if I didn’t go, he’d think I’m ungrateful and it would definitely create tension.

My husband would join for the first week but after that he’s got to go back to work due to limited holiday allowance.

Boo hoo first world problems, i know. Am I just being an ungrateful spoilt girl?!

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2023 16:14

I wouldn't fancy that for three weeks either. I'd go for a week but that would be it.

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2023 16:14

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

Yeah this is absolutely shit. I hated taking holidays with the inlaws and my mum - particularly because I had to be grateful. They always picked really inappropriate accommodation- actively dangerous in some cases, or otherwise just really boring - like a small top floor flat with a dangerous balcony and a road outside, or what appeared to be a gorgeous villa, but with an open tread staircase and literally no way of preventing ds getting direct access to the pool except watching him all the time he was awake (and yes in the one hour I handed this job over to someone else he fell in). I was left entertaining ds all day with no Cbeebies and no equipment except the 10 pieces of brio and 2 pots of playdoh I could fit in my luggage.

I would go home after a week - that's going to be quite bad enough.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 03/12/2023 16:16

Haggisfish3 · 03/12/2023 14:28

I’m totally with you. I’d hate this. I think it’s quite selfish actually. I’d be heading home with dh.

Same. I would only go for the length of time your dh can join. Unfair of your dad to expect anything else

Mariposista · 03/12/2023 16:21

I am jealous of whatever job you have that allows you to take 3 weeks off straight (I guess teacher - in that case not jealous haha).

decionsdecisions62 · 03/12/2023 16:21

'Dad will you book another place so I can bring hubby so I can spend more time talking to you'

Himawarigirl · 03/12/2023 16:22

Is this booked already? Three weeks is way too long to keep a toddler going in a resort on your own. I'd say a week would be a great gift from your dad, but no more.

VioletCharlotte · 03/12/2023 16:27

I don't think you're being ungrateful at all. Your Dad is being generous, but it sounds as if money is no object to him so splashing the cash isn't an issue. I wouldn't enjoy 3 weeks holiday with a little one with no help or much adult company. IMO it would be more thoughtful of him to ask you what sort of holiday would be most enjoyable for you and your DC. My parents used to take me and my DC away when they were little, but they always picked child friendly holidays and were prepared to roll their sleeves up and help so I got a break too.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/12/2023 16:27

I don't understand why you can't say to him that you only want to go foe the first week with your husband as you need help with your 2 year old.

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2023 16:30

Right now I've read it i still think I'm right!

I think your dad's attitude to your dh and your marriage is pretty dismissive. I know it wasn't unusual in ye olden days for the mum to go away to the seaside for a month with the kids and for the dad to join them for a week or two, but a) that was quite a long time ago b) we're often talking very posh families here so there were Staff involved and c) kids. Plural. So they have someone to play with.

Im also with you about going out to eat. I didn't do this with ds at this age. He wasn't difficult or loud, but he could only tolerate max 15 minutes sitting, with a lot of input from me. He dropped his nap pretty early and all in all he just needed to be moving. That's completely normal at this age.

Delphinium20 · 03/12/2023 16:31

5-Star hotels have high quality nanny and babysitting services. Hire one for a night and go have a nice dinner with your dad. Hire one for 2 hours in the afternoon and take a nap or read a book on the beach.

Don't turn down the holiday- in a few short years your daughter will be massively easier and your 5-star holiday will be much enjoyed by you. I would do absolutely NOTHING to discourage your father from future trips.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/12/2023 16:31

FirstTimeTTC989 · 03/12/2023 14:46

I really don't understand why you're going for 3 weeks and why you have to tip toe around your dad? Say thank you and you can join for a week but 3 weeks at the beach is not enjoyable on your own with a toddler. You sound like a massive pushover and your dad is actually not that nice.

I agree. Why ask you to go on holiday then fuck off with his gf and leave you all alone? I’d hate it. If you wanted to go away with just your dd you’d go somewhere child friendly.

Lizzieregina · 03/12/2023 16:38

While it might sound lovely to get a free 3 week holiday (I’d love one!) in your case I’d be reluctant too.

I think 1 week while your DH is there and 1 week wrangling your toddler alone would be quite sufficient. 3 weeks is a bit much.

I’d see what you could do to get some relaxing time for yourself using a sitter/kid club etc.

And at 2 my kids would sit at a dinner table, but definitely had time limits. I’d bring toys, snacks etc and might get an hour.

Goldbar · 03/12/2023 16:50

YANBU but, if you're going on these holidays, you need to get over your aversion to paid childcare. Partly because you're in a place full of hazards, with multiple sources of open water and lots of strangers about. It will be safer for your DD being cared for by you if you get a break now and then than if you're on high alert for the whole 3 weeks, given you're only human.

Ilovelurchers · 03/12/2023 17:01

I do see your point to some extent - holidays with small children do have stressful elements. However:

A) just because going for a shorter time would upset your dad, that doesn't mean you can't do it. Why do his needs absolutely trump yours, your husband's and daughter's? Just say, dad I love you but this is too long and it will be stressful - unless you are able to babysit dd on some days/evenings while I have a break?
You may not have asserted yourself with him like this before, but you didn't have a daughter to role model assertiveness to before. Now you do, so you have to do hard and scary things and risk slight disapproval/conflict - to teach her to be assertive and brave.

B) you are also in control of some other elements which make this challenging for you. You can work on it and teach her to be able to go to restaurants for an hour or so (use screens if you need and want to - much better that than that she never gets to go to restaurants at all). You and your husband should definutely also teach her to go to bed without you. This is vital for her emotional development, for your mental well-being and for the health of your marriage. And you need to build up your confidence on leaving her with vetted adults. Otherwise you will, in the long term, be letting her down, as school will be a massive trauma for her and does not need to be. (I was parented in this way for cultural reasons - never away from my mom till I was at least 3 and I was a horribly scared, stressed out child for this reason).

You can turn this around and make it a brilliant holiday for everyone. You are si lucky to have this opportunity, and it's totally in your power!

Original poster
amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 17:08

Mariposista · 03/12/2023 16:21

I am jealous of whatever job you have that allows you to take 3 weeks off straight (I guess teacher - in that case not jealous haha).

Stay at home mum!

OP posts:
Original poster
amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 17:19

For people saying to enjoy it as a break from house chores - I have a full time housekeeper who cooks and cleans, so at home my only job is to look after my daughter. On holiday it would also be my only job to look after my daughter. So it isn't really a break...

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 17:22

Your dad is booking a holiday he wants and because he's paying expects you and your dc to fit in.

It actually sounds quite boring for a single parent and toddler.

But if it's the only op to see your dad and it's free I'd probably suck it up.

dayone · 03/12/2023 17:27

YANBU, OP, but your dad is. Of course it's fab that he's paying for you to go someone wonderful, but without him to support you with DD you'll just be miserable in the sunshine. Will he really just bugger off in the evenings to restaurants and leave you on your own with DD??
You need to have an honest conversation with him listing everything you've said in your OP. You're not being an ungrateful brat, your being honest about how challenging parenting a two year old is in an unfamiliar environment without your support system. If your dad is lovely, he should understand.
Good luck!

MrsMarzetti · 03/12/2023 17:29

Don't go if it is too much hassle.

tara66 · 03/12/2023 17:31

Just keep thinking -''It's not all about me, it's not all about me, it's not all ....etc''.
Your child will not be 2 forever and your father may soon be too old to do these holidays - try to enjoy it.. otherwise just say you cannot cope with being with your child in a 5* hotel for 3 weeks with dear father - simple.

ginasevern · 03/12/2023 17:37

I don't understand what your Dad is getting out of this other than fulfilling an emotional duty. He doesn't have to be joined at the hip for 3 weeks but if he is buggering off most evenings with his girlfriend and only popping in for 10 minutes during the day, surely even he can see this isn't the way to treat an invited guest? What does he expect you to do at meal times, especially in the evening? Is there never any discussion about this? Doesn't he suggest taking you and dd on the occasional outing. I know you say he only wants to be in her company for very short blasts but this sounds like a very weird set up.

HotMummaSummer · 03/12/2023 17:46

Some practical advise for if you choose to go: get a rubber ring with a seat in. That was you can still have a fairly calm swim while pushing her around. Also if she still naps (which if it's hot she'll probably want to) enjoy some downtime while she's asleep!
I guess it depends how child friendly the resort is and how much your 2 year old listens 😂 my daughter turned 3 the week before our last holiday and evening meals were okay for her, but my son was 18 months and things were hard.
I packed a bag of fiddly toys in my bag - sucker pops, mini cars, stickers, coloring, little figures. Ply with snacks and pack emergency lollipops!!

Personally I'd go but also arrange a weekend away where husband could have 2 year old shortly after!

Original poster
amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 18:03

ginasevern · 03/12/2023 17:37

I don't understand what your Dad is getting out of this other than fulfilling an emotional duty. He doesn't have to be joined at the hip for 3 weeks but if he is buggering off most evenings with his girlfriend and only popping in for 10 minutes during the day, surely even he can see this isn't the way to treat an invited guest? What does he expect you to do at meal times, especially in the evening? Is there never any discussion about this? Doesn't he suggest taking you and dd on the occasional outing. I know you say he only wants to be in her company for very short blasts but this sounds like a very weird set up.

He's happy to pay for a babysitter in the evenings but my daughter wouldn't stay with one, at least not without significant time before of getting used to the babysitter (by which time we'd be leaving anyway)

At meal times I can order whatever I like in the room service menu for myself and my daughter.

I guess he sees it as socialising but he kind of pops in and out. For example:
8am everyone gets up to have breakfast together (no obligation, but it just seems like a convenient time when everyone gets up). He might do a bit of peekaboo with my daughter at the table, pass her some of his food to try if she's curious. If she needs help eating, I help, if she's asking to get up and leave then I leave. His breakfast is leisurely.
After breakfast: everyone is on the beach but he's doing his thing, reading his book or newspaper, swimming etc, whereas I am playing with my daughter. We might join him for 2 mins in the sea but he quickly swims off because he wants to do a proper swim rather than just splashing around on the shore. Might play in the sand with her for 5 mins if she's playful but if she has a tantrum at any point he leaves or hands her back.
Lunch: ordered in the restaurant. I come for the 10 mins to eat and feed my daughter, she won't sit still for too long (unless I do screens, which I don't want to), they have a proper lunch with drinks and chat. My dad, again, might give her some of his food if she wants it and if I'm ok with it. Might play with her and her toys for 5 mins but not getting up from the table.
Afternoon: she'll have a nap. Same as morning beach time really.
6-7pm: him and gf head in and start getting ready for dinner. DD and I might order room service. He could play with her for 5 mins whilst everyone is in the room (it's more like a suite with 2 bedrooms and a shared living room) but briefly and only if she's happy / laughing. If she cries he hands her back

OP posts:
NorthernAttitude · 03/12/2023 18:04

If you can afford a full time housekeeper are you sure you can't afford your own flight home after 2 weeks? This is all a bit weird.

Original poster
amiungrateful · 03/12/2023 18:04

ginasevern · 03/12/2023 17:37

I don't understand what your Dad is getting out of this other than fulfilling an emotional duty. He doesn't have to be joined at the hip for 3 weeks but if he is buggering off most evenings with his girlfriend and only popping in for 10 minutes during the day, surely even he can see this isn't the way to treat an invited guest? What does he expect you to do at meal times, especially in the evening? Is there never any discussion about this? Doesn't he suggest taking you and dd on the occasional outing. I know you say he only wants to be in her company for very short blasts but this sounds like a very weird set up.

He would happily take us out but a restaurant with a 2 year old without screens isn't very feasible, at least not with a toddler as active and curious as my daughter. Other than that... there's not many places to be taken out

OP posts:
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