Ungrateful to be dreading going on holiday with my (very nice!) dad

[amiungrateful]

So my dad lives abroad and whilst I do occasionally come to visit him or he visits me in our respective countries, it's easiest in terms of flights to meet at a beachside holiday destination. My dad is paying for me to come on a 3 week holiday with my 2 year old daughter at a 5 star luxury resort, sandy beach, beautiful. I should really be grateful.

BUT I’m really dreading it. My daughter is hard work, as are most 2 year olds. My dad doesn’t help much, he’s very much a loving grandad who will pop in for a quick game of chase with her, might read her a book or two, but not someone keen to do more. His stance on it is he’s older, he’s done that with his own kids, grandparents’ roles are to enjoy grandkids. Plus he feels by taking us to luxury resorts he’s already treating us. And he is. Every time he sees us I can tell he adores my daughter, looks thrilled when she runs to hug him, and she loves him too!

At least at home I’ve got my husband who comes home in the evenings and after work he can help out. Here my dad will go out with his girlfriend for dinner whilst I have to stay in as no way would my 2 year old sit still in a restaurant, she’d want to be running around and exploring. At home I could meet up with mum friends for a play date. Here it’ll just be me and my daughter playing in the sand all day, whilst my dad comes in for a quick play from time to time, but mostly will be relaxing on the beach like a grownup. Just feels like the holiday would be very tiring and lonely. I know my dad would be quite surprised if I didn’t go, he’d think I’m ungrateful and it would definitely create tension.

My husband would join for the first week but after that he’s got to go back to work due to limited holiday allowance.

Boo hoo first world problems, i know. Am I just being an ungrateful spoilt girl?!

He would be better booking an apartment in the complex. Then at least you have space to chill in

@amiungrateful I don't mean to contradict you because, of course, I don't know where you are going but are you sure there's nowhere but the beach to be because of the heat? Beaches are actually pretty hot places and most towns in hot countries are built for heat and have air-conditioned shopping centres, or shaded old town centres with parks etc

Obviously if that doesn't apply then ignore.

Your dad sounds very selfish to be honest. I think you need to try to be assertive and just say it doesn’t work for you for all the reasons you’ve given and if he doesn’t want you there a shorter time then you just don’t go. He’s not your boss!

I don't agree with this.

That 'holiday' sounds isolating and extra hard work.

Toddlers are harder outside of their own homes, routine is different, food is different, no stair gates etc etc

I really don't understand why you're going for 3 weeks and why you have to tip toe around your dad? Say thank you and you can join for a week but 3 weeks at the beach is not enjoyable on your own with a toddler. You sound like a massive pushover and your dad is actually not that nice.

With sucky attitude like that you are sure to have a bad time. You aren't looking forward to spending time with your child??

Can you try and change your mindset? Think of the positives like the weather and a break from all the other things you need to do at home. Three weeks does seem like a long time but it will go quick and then it’s back to reality again. It’s 21 days, not eternity.

Is it booked???

As any 5 star they will arrange childcare. If you don't want to leave the sitter fully alone you can do what we do which is basically be nearby but out of sight of the child until you get a feel. All the sitters we used have been LOVELY with great English.

Ideally you should go to an IKOS resort or similar.
It's all family friendly they have all the bits you need and there and they have daycare.

If you are there 3 weeks find someone you/your child likes the look of in the crèche give them a €100 tip, they'll take extra special care or your little one and give them another at the end

Honestly you need to either:

• Decline these holidays
• Articulate your needs and pick somewhere that suits everyone (ikos)
• put up and shut up

Your DH is with you the first week, so I’d be using that week to get your personal R&R in, and also get your DD used to any babysitter. I’d also be investigating the kids’ club in terms of ages. If it’s a genuine luxury resort, then there should be childcare provision. I left my toddler DS for a couple of hours a day in the hotel nursery when he was little, and just those hours were a huge respite.

Can you try to train your DD to sleep in her pushchair? It really is a game changer for nights out on holiday. I used to put my DS to bed in his buggy, and then that was him asleep for the evening. We could then have dinner in the restaurant with him asleep next to us.

Can't you just go for the week too? Or at least cut down the amount of time you are there. Sounds like your dad sees you / your dd as a nice accessory for him to have on his holiday and hasn't given any thought to how it might be for you.

Could you tell him how you feel and see if he has any solutions or practical ideas to give you more support?

My father was like this, buying us tickets to go visit him in hot places but hardly spending any time with us because my children were ‘brats’ , they really weren’t. Always pushing to stay longer , never wanting to compromise on less time. I found it hard because it was so nice of him to want to give us a holiday on the one hand, but on the other I was on my own with the kids and saw him briefly for dinner where he’d have a moan if he could hear the children.
I’d go for a week or whatever the OP feels comfortable with. If her father doesn’t like it, decile graciously and plan the holiday that works for you.

You might meet someone like me - another mum there on her own (or as good as alone). I have made friends (on a v casual basis) on lots of holidays. No pressure but just people to chat to and let the children play together if we’re in the same place at the same time.

Holidays with dc that age are really not much fun- all the work, no routine, no breaks and precious little in the way of useful equipment.

I remember dh and I looking at each other, a bit shell shocked when our dc were small.

Realistically the way to make holidays with toddlers bearable is to work to their routine. Up at silly o’clock to the beach/pool then home and have a siesta. Make a safe play area if you can, so she can play in the apartment and then head out again for another swim in the evenings.

Self catering can help because you can do their food on demand, and not be dealing with hanger attacks.

I’m sympathetic op- it’s not much of a holiday for you at all. If you were going as a nanny you’d be rightly objecting to these conditions, but at least you’d be getting paid. And I know - it’s your child, not the same etc., but it just sounds lonely and exhausting.

Your dad doesn't sound quite so nice as you're making out. On the face of it he's being very generous with his money, paying for a nice holiday. However, he's not seeing things from your point of view, and can't see that you don't want to be away from your DH for too long - totally understandable. I'd be interested to know happened when YOU were a young girl? Did he spend lots of time away from you and your mum? Maybe he didn't feel the "pull" of family the way that you do. I wonder what your mum's account of your childhood would be like..

He does sound a bit spoilt, turning up playing Disney Grandad every day and swanning out again with his girlfriend when he's had enough of the hands on grandparent stuff. A beach holiday like that can be quite trying with a 2 year old who doesn't want to stay in one spot for long (mine didn't - we did holidays in Devon and Cornwall when ours were little and were out sightseeing every day. It's harder to do that if it's over 30 degrees.)

I would only be going for 2 weeks if I were you, no matter what his preference is.

Theres no way id have done this with ds1. No way. Busy toddlers are hard hard work. Not even for one week. Ds2 was different and i would have loved to (but couldnt have anyway, because ds1 ) cut it to a week, and take your DH.

What’s the room like?
Could you be asking the pals ‘right who‘s up for a subsidised jolly?’ Anyone with or without a kid who fancies coming out for a few days? If they paid their flights could they stay in the room with you? Bit of adult company and something nice for your friend, let your dad spread the financial love.

Even if not, it will also be a good chance to just go with the flow of your little one, be together and not have all the usual mental load. I’d go back now and take three weeks without housework and cooking, just walking around the sand (dropping ice lollies) when they were tiny, no bother. Yes they were a handful but time flies and I would love to see them in their floaties again. Appreciate this may be one of those annoying, rose-coloured MN cliches though🤣

So just don’t go 🤷‍♀️……you have 2 choices….no right or wrong….your dad won’t change so you have to decide whether it’s worth the effort or not….and if not you stay home

Just thought. Lots of resorts and hotels have their own facebook group they can join. They can be really useful for lots of insider information. See if you can find one and ask on there for tips of how to get the best out of a holiday there while you're on your own with your daughter. Facililities, things for toddlers to do etc. There may be people out there at the same time in the same boat who'd be happy to pal up.

Just because your dad thinks these things though doesn't mean you have to agree with him, or that thinking them makes his view right and you all have to fall in with him. It's just his opinion. He sounds really manipulative tbh. It's hardly a case of babysitting your dh if he's in work all day, just that it's usually the norm for families to not spend that long apart!

Just say 'that's a very generous offer dad but dd and I would miss DH too much if we were away for three weeks/it would be absolutely exhausting to look after DD without any respite or distractions/would take her completely out of her routine/etc. The 3 of us can come for 1 week but that's it. Of course you are welcome to visit us any time.'

If he says its 3 weeks or nothing then it's up to you if the effort of entertaining your child is worth the free holiday. If it's not then say 'thanks very much but it doesn't work for us.' It's nice to foster a relationship between grandparents and grandchild but it doesn't have to be solely at his convenience, at a time and place that's best for him.

When he says he's done his time as a parent, did he ever have sole care of you/your siblings for 2 full weeks?

Honestly I always took my children to restaurants at all ages babies, toddlers and beyond, in the uk and abroad on holiday. As I always ate with them at the table at home for dinner dinner times. They were simply not allowed to run around, they learnt how to behave at a meal table. Children need to learn to eat out at restaurants. I’d have taken mine out every evening for dinner, not sitting in by myself. 3 weeks though is too long. Can your husband not join you even if only part of the holiday, or go for a shorter time.

Sounds like your children had a more calm temperament to mine. What works with some kids, doesn't work with others. Mine also eat with me at the table, but that doesn't mean they're happy to sit still for 1hr+ whilst we eat and chat, she'd scream if just confined to a high chair which would be no fun for anyone

I'd be fine with it, I think it would be lovely! I know 2 year olds are hard work but you don't have to worry about all the jobs to do at home. When I have been on holiday with mine at that age, we have still gone to restaurants for dinner, but with a pushchair in case they (hopefully!) fall asleep.

You really need to explain to your dad that it's not a holiday for you. It's actually normal life in a slightly prettier location and better weather but without the conveniences of home.

.

this holiday only works for your dad, he'll have you and your daughter there by his side for 3 weeks so he can stop for a play any time he wants. It would be lonely for you, no adult company at night, wrangling your child by yourself, no dh to give you a break for TWO WEEKS. you need to be honest with your dad and tell him you'll find it hard to manage dd by yourself for 2 weeks. I'd rather not have a holiday than this, 5 star resort or not.