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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's not accepting it's over, shall I just go?

63 replies

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:32

I've been trying to end things with my partner of 4 years for various reasons. They are very valid reasons, I've been encouraged to move on and do what's right for me.
One telling sign was when I asked my partner if he was in love with me (last week) and he hesitated with an answer.
Anyway, I tried to leave a few weeks ago but he really didn't want me to and was saying xyz will happen, i.e. saying all the right things so I decided to give it a chance.
When I asked him that question last week, I know it seems weird to ask that, but I was at a point where I genuinely didn't believe it and that proved my point.
Maybe it was unfair, I know love can fade somewhat after several years but surely you wouldn't hesitate.
Anyway I got pretty upset that day and basically said to him what's the point of me even being here, am I just a convenience to him, I may as well move out etc. he kept saying he doesn't want me to be upset.
He had to leave for work shortly after that. I haven't seen him since because he had a planned holiday with friends and he's not back until Tuesday.
I made it clear I'm still upset but I don't want to ruin his holiday. However he's just texting me all the time like nothing's happened, sending me holiday pictures and saying he misses me.
I just wish he'd leave me alone tbh.
It's hurtful to imply I'm not the one (not just the in love thing but other conversations insinuate it) and then just carry on.
I'm in talks for other flats, my plan was to phone him on Tuesday and tell him I'll be staying with my parents for a while (they said I should go and stay) whilst I get another place sorted (we rent here)
If I do it in person he'll just plead with me not to again and I'm scared I'll just get sucked in. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:34

I'm mentally preparing myself to move out and move on, the fact that he keeps texting me is confusing and distressing me, but I don't want to ruin his holiday.

OP posts:
muchalover · 02/12/2023 21:36

You've decided to leave.
You've decided this relationship is over.

That is enough.

Go and stay with your parents. Make long term arrangements to suit yourself.

tachycardigan · 02/12/2023 21:37

Tell him you’re not well so can’t text much.

Move out to your parents before he gets back.

Dump him by text when he’s back.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 21:37

Just move out before he arrives home. He is stealing your time.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:37

He's not thinking about what I want or what's best for me, just himself. I understand it's hard for him too but he's not even sure he's in love with me. I also once asked him if I was the one and he hesitated there too.

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 21:38

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:34

I'm mentally preparing myself to move out and move on, the fact that he keeps texting me is confusing and distressing me, but I don't want to ruin his holiday.

But he is ruining your life. He is stealing your time. He is preventing you from finding love.

stop replying and move out.

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2023 21:38

Why don’t you temporarily block him? At least get some peace if you can while he’s away. I would crack on with preparations to move, inform the landlord and find somewhere else so you can present him with a fait accompli when he gets back with a moving out date.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 21:38

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:37

He's not thinking about what I want or what's best for me, just himself. I understand it's hard for him too but he's not even sure he's in love with me. I also once asked him if I was the one and he hesitated there too.

He is telling you though. You're just nit listening. There is no future with this man. He is using you until he meets his ‘the one’.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:39

When I asked him if I was the one, it was almost as if I'd asked him if he wants curry for tea and it was like a meh, yeah if you want reply.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 21:39

It's over, op. Stop messing about and wasting your time. Make a quick exit, be gone when he gets back, and move on

evrey · 02/12/2023 21:40

Do u have children with him? If not just clear your stuff and give notice on your tenancy to your landlord , pay your half of the notice and leave him to it.
Leave a letter explaining that that was the last straw and that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't treat you well/value you.
If you do share children then you may need a face to face conversation to sort finances and child access arrangements. But the end game is still the same... You deserve better .

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:40

I want to understand why he doesn't want me to leave despite what he's clearly telling me? Why does he keep texting? I guess he's likely attached emotionally and cares for me, plus it's a huge change to the status quo. It's so confusing though.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 02/12/2023 21:41

I remember both of your threads. Everyone told you he doesn't care enough, and you need more. You are worth more.

Move to your parents tomorrow/Monday. Clear out everything, then message to say the relationship is over. Start living your life.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:41

Children, I wish! I mean I guess it's a blessing in disguise he couldn't tell me when he'd want them.

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 02/12/2023 21:41

You have the perfect opportunity to move out as he’s away, just move out and then send him a message saying you won’t be there when he gets home. Be clear with him, tell him it’s over and nothings going to change your mind.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:41

Part of me is hoping that being away has made him realise. I guess he'll tell me if that's the case though.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 02/12/2023 21:42

The relationship is failing and you are both distancing yourself.

If my relationship was crumbling and the other person had expressed they wanted to leave, not sure my immediate response to ‘do you love me’ would be an instant ‘yes I do’. My first thought would be ‘why are they asking. But they are asking you need to make sure you really consider your answer and answer truthfully’. If I was out on the spot, all that would run through my head first.

I think if you show vulnerability and ask that question, the least the person responding can do is be vulnerable and really think about it honestly. Is it still love, or just some affection, has it runs it course, is this just what long term love feels like. I think someone who gives an instantaneous ‘yes I do’ hasn’t even considered it or thought about it. They said it because it was expected.

I would take me do asking me that seriously. And contemplate the answer, seriously.

But all that doesn’t matter. It’s over. You know it is. He probably knows. You just haven’t, properly, called it.

Rocksonabeach · 02/12/2023 21:44

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:41

Part of me is hoping that being away has made him realise. I guess he'll tell me if that's the case though.

This is the nuts of it. He does not care - he’s told you and shown you.

what more do you want? You say you want to leave - leave

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:44

I didn't ask the if he's in love thing after saying I was leaving, it was before when I was still trying to work it all out. I get what you mean. This man was everything to me, I wanted to marry him, have children and spend my life together. Why can't he just leave me alone and accept it. Why's he holding on if he doesn't love me enough or want to be tied down?

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 02/12/2023 21:47

OP just stop. If he truly loved and wanted you his answers and actions would have been different. Really different but they are not. He is living a good life with someone to share the bills, who cleans, cooks, has sex, and accepts vague promises. To get the same he would need a flatmate, a cleaner, personal chef and a fwb, so much easier to pretend a maybe future with you.

If you feel he will talk you round then move everything out, leave a note, only communicate by text not call.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 21:47

Why can't he just leave me alone and accept it.

Maybe because you're not leaving and you're still entertaining his nonsense. Honestly, it's not rocket science, and you don't need his permission or agreement to break-up with him.

Ffsnotaconference · 02/12/2023 21:49

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:44

I didn't ask the if he's in love thing after saying I was leaving, it was before when I was still trying to work it all out. I get what you mean. This man was everything to me, I wanted to marry him, have children and spend my life together. Why can't he just leave me alone and accept it. Why's he holding on if he doesn't love me enough or want to be tied down?

Because that’s not how human emotions work.

People hold on for many reasons. Scared of change, scared of being alone, hoping it magically gets better, thinking that this is what long term relationships are like, they don’t really deeply think and consider if they are still in love, they like the routine, they don’t want to face up to the upheaval of a split, they are controlling, they enjoy a shit relationship and so on.

Just like you are still holding on/ even though you want to go. He is to. So break up. Take the leap.

scaredofff · 02/12/2023 21:49

You are not a stepping stone or a hug until he finds himself comfortable enough to be in love

You are worth snore than he is and that's why he doesn't want you to go. Somebody else will be there to tell you that you deserve better. Whether that be on MN, your parents, friends or a future partner. He's a piece of shit and by staying you're now letting him use your time.
The only alone time you have to get your stuff out without awkward eyes watching you

This is YOUR time. Use it

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 21:50

He doesnt want to be tied down with you, and the thing is, he isnt on a time frame. You are. He can keep you around for his convenience until he meets someone else. He has nothing to lose.

l

Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 21:53

I voted UABU purely because you keep stalling.

He's given you answers to your questions and whether you like them or not you're still living with him so it's no wonder he doesn't take you seriously.