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Original poster

He's not accepting it's over, shall I just go?

63 replies

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:32

I've been trying to end things with my partner of 4 years for various reasons. They are very valid reasons, I've been encouraged to move on and do what's right for me.
One telling sign was when I asked my partner if he was in love with me (last week) and he hesitated with an answer.
Anyway, I tried to leave a few weeks ago but he really didn't want me to and was saying xyz will happen, i.e. saying all the right things so I decided to give it a chance.
When I asked him that question last week, I know it seems weird to ask that, but I was at a point where I genuinely didn't believe it and that proved my point.
Maybe it was unfair, I know love can fade somewhat after several years but surely you wouldn't hesitate.
Anyway I got pretty upset that day and basically said to him what's the point of me even being here, am I just a convenience to him, I may as well move out etc. he kept saying he doesn't want me to be upset.
He had to leave for work shortly after that. I haven't seen him since because he had a planned holiday with friends and he's not back until Tuesday.
I made it clear I'm still upset but I don't want to ruin his holiday. However he's just texting me all the time like nothing's happened, sending me holiday pictures and saying he misses me.
I just wish he'd leave me alone tbh.
It's hurtful to imply I'm not the one (not just the in love thing but other conversations insinuate it) and then just carry on.
I'm in talks for other flats, my plan was to phone him on Tuesday and tell him I'll be staying with my parents for a while (they said I should go and stay) whilst I get another place sorted (we rent here)
If I do it in person he'll just plead with me not to again and I'm scared I'll just get sucked in. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:54

True.. I am still planning to go to my parents, I didn't expect him to text me whilst away especially since I told him I was leaving, I think the texting might have given me some false hope but I just need to stay firm.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 02/12/2023 22:05

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:54

True.. I am still planning to go to my parents, I didn't expect him to text me whilst away especially since I told him I was leaving, I think the texting might have given me some false hope but I just need to stay firm.

You said you were leaving weeks ago. Then decided to give it another go

Then, last week, (so you did ask him if he loved you after you told him you were leaving) you asked him if he loved you and he didn’t answer fast enough so you said ‘I might as well, move out’

He immediately went away. You didn’t say you were leaving. He clearly isn’t under the impression that you have broken up.

saying ‘I might as well move out’ isn’t the same as ‘I am moving out and will be gone’. Telling him you are still upset but don’t want to ruin his holiday isn’t the same as breaking up.

He is away and texting his girlfriend. You haven’t broken up. Why wouldn’t he text you?

It actually comes across as though you are playing games. Saying you will leave to see his reaction. Probably not on purpose. But that’s what you are doing. You are desperate for him to make a grand gesture or changes it’s not going to happen

Either leave or don’t an accept the unhappy relationship. But you can’t be half in and half out and expect him to act like you have broken up when you haven’t.

Gudrunnn · 02/12/2023 22:07

You don't need his permission to end the relationship.

You don't need to justify your reasons for ending the relationship.

Why would he make it easier for you to leave when he is comfy the way he is and he hasn't lined up a replacement yet?

He doesn't seem to be very proactive or decisive, but then to be honest nor do you. Sorry.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:07

I understand why you say that, but I am honestly not playing any games. I am completely broken and depressed, I decided to give it one more to because he said xyz was going to happen. However I can still see a lot of hesitancy and it's clear I'm not the one. I will be going on Tuesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:09

I just didn't want to walk out immediately before he goes away with friends as that will just ruin things. True we didn't officially break up but the way that there was that last conversation, and then a few hours later he's texting me jokes and things.
I know it is my fault too. It will be so hard on Tuesday, it takes strength and I hope I've got it.b

OP posts:
Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:10

Also, it's not a case of he didn't answer fast enough. He didn't seem sure, but that's far from the only thing he's unsure about.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/12/2023 22:12

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 21:44

I didn't ask the if he's in love thing after saying I was leaving, it was before when I was still trying to work it all out. I get what you mean. This man was everything to me, I wanted to marry him, have children and spend my life together. Why can't he just leave me alone and accept it. Why's he holding on if he doesn't love me enough or want to be tied down?

Because he doesn’t like change and he wants to keep the equilibrium. He can’t be bothered with the hassle of the relationship ending. I bet you do loads for him/in the house and he doesn’t want to have to do it himself, plus it’s bound to impact him financially. He clearly isn’t that bothered, tho, given his responses to you when you asked if you’re the one/if he’s in love with you. You’re worth more! Stop settling with someone who doesn’t worship the ground you walk on.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:13

The timing of the holiday wasn't ideal. I've just now not replied to his latest text, I suppose that's better. I know he will be very upset on Tuesday, but if I don't gain the courage to leave then nothing will ever change.

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 22:15

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:09

I just didn't want to walk out immediately before he goes away with friends as that will just ruin things. True we didn't officially break up but the way that there was that last conversation, and then a few hours later he's texting me jokes and things.
I know it is my fault too. It will be so hard on Tuesday, it takes strength and I hope I've got it.b

It sounds kike you are planning to be there so it will be far more dramatic. Is it in the hope he decides to propose instead?

he said xyz was going to happen
what exactly is xyz?

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:17

No, not in the slightest, being there will just mean the same happens again. It's far better if I'm not there.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 02/12/2023 22:17

Can you not go while he is away?

Do you have anywhere?

You said when you asked him if he loved you, he hesitated. You mentioned that twice. So the speed of his answer clearly bothered you.

As I said, I don’t think you are playing games on purpose. But I think you aren’t quite ready to leave but hoping the threat of it means he will do something big or change. Prove his love. It’s not going to happen.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:19

I am going before he gets back. I am incredibly down over it, I feel broken. I can't help hoping he will do something to show commitment but I know deep down he won't. It's really really not easy to leave someone you love but I know you just have to do it. The last ex 8 years ago was cheating and abusive so that was far easier, but even then it was very tough.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 02/12/2023 22:21

You need to follow Benjamin Daly... look him up on social media.

In short - if a man wants to be with you / is in love with you, it is blindingly obvious.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:22

Why do I feel so horrendously guilty about leaving someone who's making things clear? Why do I always need to put his feelings first? If asked if I loved him I'd say yes of course, I wouldn't need to think about if I did or not, otherwise why would I be with him.

OP posts:
Parentofeanda · 02/12/2023 22:34

I reckon it's simply a case of not being in love with you but not wanting to lose you and be single. I've been the same, I didn't love the guy but I didn't want to never see him again because I liked him.. but it was like a friend, thankfully for him I wasn't a dick and I was young so I dumped him and moved on but for a while I wanted to just carry on dating him because I didn't want anyone else to have him or be single. But then I realised I Wanted to date other people more than keep him next to me so I left. I was young and stupid.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 02/12/2023 22:34

You are not putting his feelings first so much as you are hanging on in there hoping he will put you first. He won’t. He has told you and shown you he won’t. You are fortunate to have a place to go to recover. Leave and move on.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:43

I am horrible and selfish. Please help me

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 02/12/2023 22:51

People are trying to help you, what do you want us to say?

I agree, with the poster that a cleaner, cook and fwb who pays half the bills, is someone he is not likely to want to leave until he has a better replacement.

how old are you? Are you leaving it all too late for kids?

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:52

I know and I appreciate the replies, I just want the false hope in my head to go away. I feel like I am a horrible person though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:52

I am 34

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 02/12/2023 22:56

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:43

I am horrible and selfish. Please help me

Where has that come from?

People want to help you. But we can’t do it for you.

Its sounds like you are spiralling to a point where professional help will need to be sourced.

GarlicMaybeNot · 02/12/2023 22:57

Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 22:43

I am horrible and selfish. Please help me

Can't. You're beyond help.

You want your relationship to be something it is not and you refuse to face the truth. You want to know if you can 'make' him love you like you want to be loved, and at the same time you want to feel like he already does. You're being ridiculous; this is entirely self-defeating.

Pack up your stuff and go. Lick your wounds among family & friends. Block his number. Learn to love yourself more.

Or don't - you can settle for what he's offering, until he stops offering even that much. Your choice.

ValerieDoonican · 02/12/2023 22:59

You're not horrible, obviously. Foolish though, not to accept what is palin in front of your face, which is that your partner finds you convenient but he is really waiting for someone "better" in his eyes to come along.

That doesn't make you horrible. Suggests to me that he is, if not horrible at least lazy.

Now stop overdramatisinf this. You are working yourself up into a frenzy of self-reproach, probably so you can "apologise" to mr not really and decide not to leave after all.

This would be a very poor decision for both of you, but we can't stop you bottling it unfortunately.

Original poster
Ctrlaltanddeleteit · 02/12/2023 23:00

I know I am sounding ridiculous and pathetic but my mental state is poor. I hope I will see sense soon..

OP posts:
GarlicMaybeNot · 02/12/2023 23:01

Oh, just in case nobody's told you, "You don't love me enough" is a perfectly sound reason to end a relationship. Actually, any reason's a good one - you don't owe anybody your company and body.

The only question is whether a partner enhances your life and you're happy in that relationship.