To be upset about this ?

[IceAndLemonPlease]

My aunt is a narcissist and without being rude has a massive nose, thin lips and balding hair despite only being in her sixties. She has many undiagnosed health problems, is extremely critical of others etc. Problem is all my life I have been told I look just like her despite having different coloured eyes and body shapes etc. Today I was near her neighbourhood shopping and someone actually stopped me to tell me that I must be related to “Jane” as “You look completely identical to her but a younger version and oh my goodness I cannot believe it. I have never seen anyone resemble each other so much” going on and on. It’s left me feeling really sad and weird. This happens a lot but seems to get worse the older I am. I don’t want to look like her or constantly be told this. Aibu to feel this way?

I think you’re trying to back track. As you’ve realised that it’s hugely narcissistic, you’ve basically said my aunt is facially unattractive, and I’m pissed folks think I look like that. You’ve then moved to it’s not the big nose, balding head, thin lips etc but her personality shows on her face, . I mean cmon, you’re not Rohald Dahl, her personality doesn’t impact the size of her nose or lips.

its ok to say I think she’s unattractive and I’m upset as folks must think I am. No one wants to be told they are unattractive or think people are thinking it, inc your aunt who you think it about.

but if multiple people say it then you look like her, so I suggest accept it. And get over it

I understand. My brother is a selfish, callous, unpleasant man. We look very alike. Very. I hate that I look like him. I'm not conscious of it for the most part but when someone mentions it or I see it myself...or even clock that I've replicated one of his mannerisms, I cringe.

Sorry this is on your mind today...the relevance of it will fade again, honestly.

You’re getting a really hard time OP but I think most posters would actually be upset if they were continuously told they looked exactly like someone they both hated and thought was unattractive.

I’m not sure it’s true that, as a rule, people’s personalities show in their faces. Lots of ugly people are wonderful and lots of gorgeous people are wankers. I expect you feel it’s true in your aunt’s case because you think she’s ugly and you think she’s a horrible person, but it doesn’t mean you look like a horrible and narcissistic person to others.

Surely a mean looking face is instantly transformed with a smile, just be a happy person

Would you be bothered by the comparison if she was beautiful?

You sound shallow, I'm afraid. Every other person on MN is labelled a narcissist, when actually they're probably self-centred and selfish.

OP, you are dodging the question. Do you also have “a massive nose, thin lips and balding hair”, in which case YABU being offended when people say you look like her? (As PPs said, they are not commenting on your personality).

The logical solution is to alter your appearance.

How can you say you are mot judgmental when you make some pretty nasty comments about your aunt's physical appearance?

I get it , I'm often told I look like my mother, who is a very unpleasant woman and its not a nice feeling. I don't want to be like her in any way at all . Nobody wants to be told they resemble a terrible person in any way, shape or form.

I think a lot of people’s personality is shown through the face

what? The size of someone’s nose has nothing to with their personality

YANBU but not sure what you could do. I look a lot like my mum and she is not a nice person. I hate that I look like her and the resemblance is only getting stronger with age.

I’m sorry. I am frequently compared to my abusive mother - even though I’m blonde and she was dark. I don’t see much more than a superficial resemblance. I would love to give people a piece of my mind and let them know why that’s so upsetting for me, but like all narcissists, she was utterly charming to strangers and vile to those closest to her.

Nose job
lip filler
hair topper
Realise you are scared that you will become like her. The way to deal with this is graciously, with a smile and a thank you whilst redoubling your determination to be humble, thoughtful and kind.

Personality is shown in the face?! Oh give over. This isn't The Twits.

People are weird - I look very much like my mum, but she can’t see it at all, and says we’re nothing alike and I look like my auntie. My auntie looks like Olivia Newton John, slim, blonde, with brown eyes. I am a little/lot bigger (depending what stage of my perma-diet I’m at) with dark hair and blue eyes, so even though I would like it to be true, I know it’s not. I’ve also been told I look like a character from Neighbours and Zoe Wanamaker. I don’t see it.

I think people have ideas of others in their heads and if you fit one trait then you remind them, it could be something as simple as the angle of your head or a mannerism or tone of voice. I wouldn’t take it to heart.

Genetics - hardly surprising there's a strong family resemblance

I think you are unreasonable to be upset, because you provide enough information in your post to confirm that you and your aunt bear a strong family resemblance. Therefore, there is no point in being angry or upset about it.

Obviously I have no idea whether your aunt is as ugly as you describe her, or if you are any better looking, but I can tell you this.

I know two brothers. The older (by two years) is exceptionally, good looking. The younger one is very ugly with scrawny and weasel-like features. However, if you saw them - together or separately - you would immediately know they are brothers, because the resemblance is so strong despite the big difference in attractiveness.

I understand not wanting to be compared with someone you don’t like. I also think almost all of us have the odd feature considered unattractive but that when you intensely dislike someone you see it much more. Those same features will look great on you to the people that love you. And of course you’re your own person - the right people will see the ‘you’ underneath

It's not though— your personality can affect whether you sneer, smile etc but not the actual physical features.

Your comments about your aunt were pretty horrible and judgemental so I am going to have to disagree that nobody would say that about you.

This is very true.

If your hair is the same then dye or highlight it, add curls or a different cut. Use makeup to reduce nose size and add fullness to lips.

Or just move area.

My late Dad was often mistaken for Bobby Moore. He had a great time in the late 60s! I look like my Dad. Meaning I must also look like BM! I'm shit at football though.

I can understand how you feel @IceAndLemonPlease . I look like some unattractive family members and my sister looks like an unpleasant family member despite being ok herself. Could you somehow save for surgery to transform your appearance?

And keep telling yourself you're not that person, your personality is nothing like them etc.

Move town

I remember one evening where my sister and me were talking about my young niece looking so much like my mum. To us it was a compliment especially as we remembered our mum being beautiful when she was younger but my niece was pretty upset and insisted she doesn't look like her at all. And then looking at it from her point of view I can see why she was upset and objectively speaking it was only one or two things that made us think so.

My sister and me have got very different features. Nose, eyes, face shape, hair, body shape, etc everything is totally different but people always tell us how much alike we look. I think we do too though if you asked me why I couldn't tell you as we have little in common. What I'm trying to say is when people say you resemble your aunt they might see some familiarity in spite of you objectively not having her features at all (or her personality) so don't feel too upset about it

Also, people love to find similarities between others and they might be jist imagining it because they know you are related. Once people know I'm from a particular country they always tell me I look like a particular actress (I don't at all) from that country. I wouldn't mind because she's beautiful but I don't look like her at all. People are just imagining it because people like to look for patterns.