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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends past

60 replies

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 00:55

I’ve got a four week old baby with my partner. He is 38, I am 33.

We wernt together long before I got pregnant but had been friends a while and I fell head over heels for him. All my friends and family love him and he’s honestly amazing. Or so I though.

Over the year I’ve found out things he’s lied about regarding other women from his past. Some might say trivial things but this past week he’s lied to my face over 50 times.

However, I’ve just found messages from him from ten years ago arranging to meet a young girl for sex. I messaged the girl and asked how old she was when they were sleeping together and she said she was 16/17. He would have been 27.

I am disgusted. He’s telling me she lied about her age but I’ve seen the messages span over a year. They lost contact then (he says this was when he found out her real age), and then the messages spiked back up in 2017. He said he never met her after he found out her age.

Please give me advice. This week has battered me. All I want to do is enjoy my baby, but I can’t because my heart is broken thinking the man I love is a stranger.

OP posts:

Tonight1 · 02/12/2023 01:00

What else has he lied about?

Congrats on baby 💐

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:02

Has he had the same phone for 10 years?

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:03

Just about details of other women before me. None of which matters as they were before me- but he portrayed himself to be a man he’s not.

The teenager has blown me out of the water. I’ve no idea what to beleive, as he’s lied blatantly about other girls. The messages I’ve seen are disgusting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:04

The Messages are on fb messenger

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 01:08

Why do you think he's obligated to tell you anything about relationships that happened before you?

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:09

You must have had a reason to go digging back 10 years, something must have happened to make you look at his messages.

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:11

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 01:08

Why do you think he's obligated to tell you anything about relationships that happened before you?

He’s not. I didn’t ask about any. He told me. But now it turns out a lot of it is untrue. As I said, some may say that but is trivial. To me a lie is always a lie.

But my issue lies with the 16/17 year old girl he slept with.

OP posts:

FuchsAndMöhr · 02/12/2023 01:13

Why are you reading his FB message from 10 years ago 🤷🏼‍♀️

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:13

I'm also amazed that the woman you messaged actually replied to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 01:15

I can't tell you what to do, but it's bonkers that you are reading his messages from 10 years ago, and it's shocking that you actually contacted that woman 10 years after the fact. That is so, so inappropriate. That is pure harassment and I'm shocked she even responded.

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:15

FuchsAndMöhr · 02/12/2023 01:13

Why are you reading his FB message from 10 years ago 🤷🏼‍♀️

Because some things didn’t add up. He gave me his phone to look. I did. But I don’t think he realised I would have scrolled back that far.

Are you saying it’s ok for him to sleep with a teenager? If it is I’m happy to admit I’m in the wrong. I feel disgusted by it. Surely most people would be if they found out their partner slept with a 16 year old repeatedly at the age of 27/28? He says she lied to him. But he has gaslit me and lied to me and called me crazy for weeks now.

I wanted advice on that really.

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 02/12/2023 01:16

Well you are tied to him for life now you decided to have a baby with him

Seems popular thing to do endlessly, but what he did in his past is none of your business

If it was that important to you surely would have got to know him better than to have a child with him.

He will move on to the next one so why does it matter?

Whisperingangel1 · 02/12/2023 01:17

Everyone has a past. I don't think you should be snooping through his phone/messages from 10 years ago, what triggered you to do that? What else has he been lying about that bothers you?
Based on what you've said I don't think it's a big deal, 16 is the legal age of consent. When I was 18 I briefly dated a 35 year old, noone batted an eye lid. Why do you feel so offended by, I think it's hard to advise without the full context.

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:17

He’s lied to me a lot. I’ve got a really young baby girl. I’ve no idea what to do. That’s why I’ve come here to ask 😔

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 02/12/2023 01:17

Over the year I’ve found out things he’s lied about regarding other women from his past. Some might say trivial things but this past week he’s lied to my face over 50 times.

Um, surely this is the key bit. What has he lied to you about?

WandaWonder · 02/12/2023 01:18

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:17

He’s lied to me a lot. I’ve got a really young baby girl. I’ve no idea what to do. That’s why I’ve come here to ask 😔

What can we say, just take better care with the next baby's father

What advice do you really people can give you other than choose better partners

Whisperingangel1 · 02/12/2023 01:18

What else has he lied about? What are the 50 lies he's told this week? I think we need some context.

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:20

The baby wasn’t planned. I made the decision to keep my baby regardless of my relationship, however there were no issues at the time.

OP posts:

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:20

Why are you talking about his past relationships?

Amitheonlynormalone · 02/12/2023 01:20

Maybe get to know someone before having a baby with them?

Why were you going through his messages? How long did it take you to scroll back 10 years?

It's pretty gross 16 and 27, it would definitely make me look at someone differently.

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:22

One lie was that he messaged a woman on the day his dad died a few months ago with hearts. I felt a bit weird about it, he said I was being ridiculous. Later found out she was an ex when he swore blind she wasn’t.

These are the types of lies.

OP posts:

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 02/12/2023 01:22

It's not great but it's not illegal.

And yeah I'm sorry but you went back through at least ten years of messages? And then contacted a woman to ask her about it?? That's pretty shocking.

Do you think you should be entitled to information about every single one of his previous partners? Names, dates, ages, sexual positions? Where does it stop?

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:26

I have never asked about past relationships. It’s never bothered with me with my previous partners. I have a past, I understand. It’s the lying about them that’s the issue here.
It started off with me just wondering why he had lied about certain things saying someone was a friend when really they were an ex. But then the lies escalated.

OP posts:

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:27

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:22

These are the types of lies.

How do you know he messaged her ? Did he tell you? You must have snooped to see the hearts .

Original poster

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:31

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:27

How do you know he messaged her ? Did he tell you? You must have snooped to see the hearts .

Show quote history

No he didn’t tell me. I was messaging a friend off his phone as my battery had died. It showed her as a suggestion and I saw. He said it was a friend and I had no issue with that really. It was when I found out she was an ex that I had the issue. Surely you wouldn’t be happy if your husband lied?

OP posts:

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