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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends past

60 replies

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 00:55

I’ve got a four week old baby with my partner. He is 38, I am 33.

We wernt together long before I got pregnant but had been friends a while and I fell head over heels for him. All my friends and family love him and he’s honestly amazing. Or so I though.

Over the year I’ve found out things he’s lied about regarding other women from his past. Some might say trivial things but this past week he’s lied to my face over 50 times.

However, I’ve just found messages from him from ten years ago arranging to meet a young girl for sex. I messaged the girl and asked how old she was when they were sleeping together and she said she was 16/17. He would have been 27.

I am disgusted. He’s telling me she lied about her age but I’ve seen the messages span over a year. They lost contact then (he says this was when he found out her real age), and then the messages spiked back up in 2017. He said he never met her after he found out her age.

Please give me advice. This week has battered me. All I want to do is enjoy my baby, but I can’t because my heart is broken thinking the man I love is a stranger.

OP posts:
Headband · 02/12/2023 01:36

How did you find out she was an ex and not a friend?

Headband · 02/12/2023 01:36

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:39

We have been together officially for a year but knew each other much longer than that.
I kept asking him if he was sure she wasn’t more than a friend as I had a gut feeling, then he admitted she was an ex.

He’d messaged an ex with love hearts. Again. Some might say trivial.

OP posts:
Wallflower3 · 02/12/2023 01:41

@Amethystmoon11 ah I know this feeling. I have a 6 month old baby and before I had him I didn’t really care about my husbands past, see after I had the baby, it was like a whole knew jealous part of me opened to the point where I was obsessed with my husbands last and was heartbroken he had been with others before me. It still hit now when my period was due. Honestly, please listen to me, stop snooping, stop questioning etc. what does it achieve? It’s a past that you can’t change and a time you weren’t in his life. Whenever you bring it up ask yourself what are you actually looking for in terms of benefit for yourself? There’s no benefit, you’ll just end up in horrendous form. Trust me I’ve been there. It’s easier to say than do but persevere, stop asking questions about before you and I promise it’ll make the world of difference x

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:42

Wallflower3 · 02/12/2023 01:41

@Amethystmoon11 ah I know this feeling. I have a 6 month old baby and before I had him I didn’t really care about my husbands past, see after I had the baby, it was like a whole knew jealous part of me opened to the point where I was obsessed with my husbands last and was heartbroken he had been with others before me. It still hit now when my period was due. Honestly, please listen to me, stop snooping, stop questioning etc. what does it achieve? It’s a past that you can’t change and a time you weren’t in his life. Whenever you bring it up ask yourself what are you actually looking for in terms of benefit for yourself? There’s no benefit, you’ll just end up in horrendous form. Trust me I’ve been there. It’s easier to say than do but persevere, stop asking questions about before you and I promise it’ll make the world of difference x

Thank you. I did wonder if it was perhaps self esteem that wasn’t helping the matter.

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 02/12/2023 01:42

I get what you’re saying and understand.

He sounds like a Walter Mitty type character who just can’t help himself.

honestly my advice would be dump him now and don’t waste any more time on him. This is not going to end well.

I was in a similar situation as the 16/17 year old and thinking back on it now turns my stomach. It’s abuse plain and simple.

The guys a loser you’re too good for him

GarlicMaybeNot · 02/12/2023 01:45

It's horrible to find out that the person you've chosen to make a life with isn't the person he made himself out to be. I don't know why PP are having a go at you, I admire you for trying to get at the truth and facing this uncomfortable situation head-on.

All I can suggest is planning to get you and your child out of this. What are your thoughts?

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:47

I love him. I don’t want to go it alone. Apart from the messaging woman he’s done nothing wrong to me except for lie about the past. The 16 year old has made me sick.

Honestly, if you knew him you’d understand why I’m so torn. He’s been so good for me up until the last week really. Is it me? Is it my hormones 😔 . Or is it him.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 02/12/2023 01:58

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:39

We have been together officially for a year but knew each other much longer than that.
I kept asking him if he was sure she wasn’t more than a friend as I had a gut feeling, then he admitted she was an ex.

He’d messaged an ex with love hearts. Again. Some might say trivial.

Ah no, ignore the hearts. Bloke from childhood messaged me with some recently about a hard time. He is happily married with children! He loves me as a childhood friend and was unhappy I was attacked.

You two need to talk properly about expectations and boundaries

Marshmallow2024 · 02/12/2023 02:37

Oops wrong thread

thishasnotmyweek · 02/12/2023 02:48

It sounds like you are a bit obsessed with his past and you’re giving him grief about it.

Perhaps he lied to you about the hearts because he knew it would upset you and you would make a big deal out of it?

If he is friendly with his ex, I can understand why he might send a heart to her on the day his dad died. If I trusted my partner that wouldn’t be a big deal for me.

The 16 year old thing is a bit weird but if I loved someone and trusted them it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. However you obviously don’t trust this man, so unless you can get over that your relationship is going to be a constant source of stress and worry for you.

Sickofatrocity · 02/12/2023 03:00

Rings alarm bells for me.

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 03:22

Why am I obsessed with his past? For what reason would this be. I think am… but is it because of the lies about it.

OP posts:
Namenumber3 · 02/12/2023 08:48

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:47

I love him. I don’t want to go it alone. Apart from the messaging woman he’s done nothing wrong to me except for lie about the past. The 16 year old has made me sick.

Honestly, if you knew him you’d understand why I’m so torn. He’s been so good for me up until the last week really. Is it me? Is it my hormones 😔 . Or is it him.

This is the real issue.
Its annoying when people only tell you what to here and don’t trust you with the truth. You don’t respect him now he’s lied. I suspect if you were less vulnerable you’d walk.
Obviously you have feelings for him and for his position as a dad and want to stay.

Its not him you have the problem with but what you should do. Best advice is “it’s not the things you do you regret but the things you don’t”. This time next year you’ll wonder why you didn’t go.

TheInfusionist · 02/12/2023 09:01

You say he lied at least 50 times...is this when you wanted repeatedly wanted answers to whether this woman was an ex or not? Or lied about 50 different things?

If the first, it seems like you might look to your own behaviour for his actions, he's hiding things because you're giving him grief. If I was getting endless demands about people from my past, I might want to shut down and tell you it's all nothing too to make you stop!

But if it's 50 different things...well, that's different and I would end the relationship. Being in a relationship with a habitual liar is a terrible thing, when there's no trust. Admittedly having to co-parent with a lying ex is no walk in the park either, speaking from experience.

Coyoacan · 02/12/2023 09:20

It does sound like you are destroying a perfectly good relationship with your obsession with his past . I don't like lying but under interrogation...

anythinginapinch · 02/12/2023 09:20

16 is the age of consent. He did nothing wrong to have sex with her being that age.

He's lying because he knows how you react to everything and he's trying to keep you calm and happy. That could be a good thing - or not. There's not enough in your post to know that. From your posting style I'd say he seems ok and you seem very emotional and insecure - perfectly natural after having a baby. Focus on what you have and how he is to you NOW, not how he was decades ago

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 12:18

I possibly am ruining a brilliant relationship. But lying has broken all the trust. How do we get it back?

OP posts:
rwalker · 02/12/2023 12:22

Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 01:22

One lie was that he messaged a woman on the day his dad died a few months ago with hearts. I felt a bit weird about it, he said I was being ridiculous. Later found out she was an ex when he swore blind she wasn’t.

These are the types of lies.

In all honesty I often take the path of least resistance

being grilled about my past I probably would of lied for a quiet life

webster1987 · 02/12/2023 12:31

I think you're getting a bit of an unfair bashing from people. Perhaps it's not the done thing to looking through messages etc but it's done and you now have this information. I completely understand why it would upset and worry you.

Are you saying that the contact stopped when he found out her age, but then started up again a few years later, in full knowledge of her age? I fully get the concern here but arguably she wasn't underage and so doesn't necessarily suggest any underlying concern/risk to children as such. Creepy and misguided nonetheless. Im not sure how you move past it but I think for the time you have your baby now, you want to enjoy it. It's in the past. I'd give it your completely honest views on it and a stark warning of no more bullshit. If he chooses to do anything after that, that's on him and your decision is made

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 12:41

He says that the contact stopped after she told him her age. But then again he also said it lasted three weeks and then he found out.
They were initially messaging over the space of months and months and that was a lie.
He’s now told me he slept with her once after she turned 18.

It’s the lies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 12:42

If a boy lied about his age to have sex with me, I’d cut all ties.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/12/2023 12:45

A 27/28yo having sex with a 16yo would absolutely give me the ick so I don’t blame you for being disgusted by that.

Add in the lying to you and you know your relationship is done so just focus on building a co-parenting relationship for your baby’s sake

Original poster
Amethystmoon11 · 02/12/2023 12:48

Thank you. I can’t see anyway forward from this at the moment so I think just do parenting is the only way for now.

OP posts:
JVC24601 · 02/12/2023 12:52

No adult man accidentally sleeps with a 16 year old. How more people here aren’t disgusted by that is beyond me.

I would never assume he isn’t still attracted to teenaged girls. That’s not just a phase.

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