Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get the teacher a present

74 replies

Featherseverywhere · 01/12/2023 17:24

Dd, 5 has had a really tough time at school. She’s currently being assessed for adhd after being hysterical about not wanting to go to school (plus other issues) Her teacher had been shouting at her, saying she was doing her work wrong and other things. The report of her was so upsetting, all very very negative and highlighting issues that all point to needing additional help. She hasn’t been very nuturing, even though I’ve been to her nicely numerous times, just asking for help. The assistant on the other hand has been so lovely and kind to Dd, I would love to say a big thank you to her, but I can’t bring myself to buy the teacher a present, it feels hypocritical..it’s not in a petty way, I just can’t bring myself to. Do I just try to get over it and get her something so that I can get her assistant something?
This is not a teaching bashing thread, I’m a teacher also and sadly, although the majority are fantastic, some really shouldn’t work with children.

OP posts:
haveacat · 01/12/2023 17:36

I would just buy the teaching assistant a present.

PurBal · 01/12/2023 17:39

I don’t buy gifts for teachers. I’m not one, but I figure no one needs 30 “Worlds best teacher” mugs. But I wouldn’t buy one and not the other I don’t think.

mashaflower · 01/12/2023 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

caringcarer · 01/12/2023 18:10

You don't have to buy a gift for the teacher. Just get the TA something if you want to.

OnWhatGrounds · 01/12/2023 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, we had a parent who did this - however it made them look really petty

buckeejit · 01/12/2023 18:18

Give the teacher something shite that you have lying around & get the TA something lovely & write a nice message about how you appreciate the support for dd & hope she has a well deserved rest over Christmas. I hate having teachers who are so uncaring, it's not fair at all on the children

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 18:20

OnWhatGrounds · 01/12/2023 18:15

Yes, we had a parent who did this - however it made them look really petty

Show quote history

and did any of the teachers have a period of self reflection where they considered why they were having consequences?

Original poster
Featherseverywhere · 01/12/2023 18:21

I feel weird giving one and not the other, can’t do it, but equally I want to show my appreciation to the TA

OP posts:
Curfewgull1 · 01/12/2023 18:21

Completely been there so can sympathise.

Original poster
Featherseverywhere · 01/12/2023 18:21

@Curfewgull1 What did you do?

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 01/12/2023 18:25

My DS is 17 and we have never bought any teaching staff a present. It's not necessary.

Curfewgull1 · 01/12/2023 18:29

@Featherseverywhere It wasn’t exactly the same situation as there was no nice TA to give to. But I didn’t contribute to the joint teacher gift, despite all the parent WhatsApp group chat about how wonderful the teacher was. You could always give the TA a gift on the quiet.

Rockfordpeach · 01/12/2023 18:31

I'd get them a box of chocolates each but include a heartfelt card for the TA

CalistoNoSolo · 01/12/2023 18:33

I didn't ever get DD's primary teachers anything (which is probably she didnt ever get more than a two word line in any of the school plays). The whole practice is ridiculous and stinks of grovelling for favours. I did get some of her secondary and sixth form teachers gifts but because they truly had a brilliant relationship with dd and their other pupils and always went the extra mile for the girls in their classes and not because its the done thing.

cansu · 01/12/2023 18:38

I think I would do something home baked for both and then have your dd write a special card for the TA.

Sugargliderwombat · 01/12/2023 19:00

It won't look odd if the TA has been obviously more nurturing, it'll look like you're just thanking her.

Withsleighbellson · 01/12/2023 19:09

I don't give gifts. I do make a point of saying thank you verbally. I just don't understand the gift giving nonsense. If you did want to gift, I wouldn't leave anyone out, be the bigger person.

Original poster
Featherseverywhere · 01/12/2023 22:24

I’ve given gifts before and enjoy doing it, just not this time

OP posts:
bobotothegogo · 01/12/2023 22:30

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 18:20

and did any of the teachers have a period of self reflection where they considered why they were having consequences?

Show quote history

😄 wouldn't even notice if I didn't get some crappy cupcakes.

Seriously, don't bother, there's no need to buy a gift - we get paid regardless.

bobotothegogo · 01/12/2023 22:31

CalistoNoSolo · 01/12/2023 18:33

I didn't ever get DD's primary teachers anything (which is probably she didnt ever get more than a two word line in any of the school plays). The whole practice is ridiculous and stinks of grovelling for favours. I did get some of her secondary and sixth form teachers gifts but because they truly had a brilliant relationship with dd and their other pupils and always went the extra mile for the girls in their classes and not because its the done thing.

Trust me, your DD didn't get a decent part because you didn't give a Christmas gift!

CheshireDing · 01/12/2023 22:34

Why do you have to give either a gift ? I have never bought a teacher a gift but did write a card one year for a lovely teacher

write the TA a card expressing your appreciation. Done

saraclara · 01/12/2023 22:36

I'm a teacher (well, a retired one) and I'd absolutely give a present to a TA and not the teacher. It's easier obviously if there's chance to get the TA on her own though.

I worked in a special school, and often it would be one of my TAs that a child would bond with most. And if a parent wanted to just give them a present in recognition, I'd have been delighted.

Having said that, a heartfelt note of thanks from you will mean far more to that TA than any present. So that's how I'd go. If it's sealed in an envelope there's no reason for the teacher to know anything about it.

ohdamnitjanet · 01/12/2023 22:39

I would be buying the TA a present with a card thanking her for being kind. The teacher can get fucked.

StaunchMomma · 01/12/2023 23:02

Totally agree with you, OP. Ex teacher here and yes, it feels weird but also right!
The vast majority of teachers are hard working and wonderful buy boy are there a smattering of absolute twunts!

I always contribute generously to class collections but one year, well, she was one of those and I'll be buggered if I'm chipping in for a treat for a teacher who's making my child miserable!

Back to contributing now BUT I thoroughly hope it was noted.

Sometimes passive aggressive non-gifting is all we have 😂

Buy a little something for the TA and give it to her yourself, OP. You are absolutely within your rights.

Wherearemykeysagain · 01/12/2023 23:10

Of course YANBU. You shouldn’t feel obliged but a gift for someone who has done badly by your child (and I say this as a teacher and mum of a child with additional needs- the good ones deserve celebrating but there are good and bad in any profession)