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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to get the teacher a present

74 replies

Featherseverywhere · 01/12/2023 17:24

Dd, 5 has had a really tough time at school. She’s currently being assessed for adhd after being hysterical about not wanting to go to school (plus other issues) Her teacher had been shouting at her, saying she was doing her work wrong and other things. The report of her was so upsetting, all very very negative and highlighting issues that all point to needing additional help. She hasn’t been very nuturing, even though I’ve been to her nicely numerous times, just asking for help. The assistant on the other hand has been so lovely and kind to Dd, I would love to say a big thank you to her, but I can’t bring myself to buy the teacher a present, it feels hypocritical..it’s not in a petty way, I just can’t bring myself to. Do I just try to get over it and get her something so that I can get her assistant something?
This is not a teaching bashing thread, I’m a teacher also and sadly, although the majority are fantastic, some really shouldn’t work with children.

OP posts:

JimmyGrimble · 02/12/2023 01:57

Sorry I don’t know why that posted twice.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 02/12/2023 01:57

JimmyGrimble · 02/12/2023 01:54

Actually, a ‘negative’ report is doing you and your child a favour and helping her get the support she needs. Just out of interest though, how do you know your child has been shouted at? Young children have very different perceptions, I’m not saying it didn’t happen but I’d be surprised if it was shouting as adults would see it. If you’re sure she really is being picked on though it’s your duty to raise it with a member of SLT. You say you’re a teacher and you believe that other teachers would take it out on a child if they didn’t receive a gift? That’s really upsetting. In my 23 years of teaching Primary I’ve never seen this. Not ever. Get her a gift or don’t, get the TA a gift or don’t. Nobody will care. Honestly.

I agree with this too, don't you want to be able to help your daughter to be her best self rather than have someone who takes no interest and you wouldn't know any better. If you think about it, the teacher gets nothing out of giving your daughter a negative report and in fact is creating more work, she could've just taken the easy way out and done nothing which is worse for your daughter. You should think about this and reflect

Original poster

Featherseverywhere · 02/12/2023 08:50

No, the report is all negative in order to cover her back, nothing positive at all about her or to encourage her and it’s mainly not true.
I don’t mean teachers would take it out on kids if they didn’t get them a present! I don’t see that happening at all…I mean in the situation I’m unfortunately in, where I’m having to complain about the teacher after things my Dd is saying and her very real and obvious distress at attending school, some teachers would take it out on the pupil. She has the rest of the year to go, I really don’t want more negative energy for her

OP posts:

Kingoftheroad · 02/12/2023 09:34

Trust me I’m no imbecile and there’s absolutely no need for personal insults. Yes I wouldn’t be letting up a teacher is bullying and being dismissive of a 5 year old needs to be address end of

CalistoNoSolo · 02/12/2023 09:53

LyndaLaHughes · 02/12/2023 01:06

Do parents actually believe this happens? That teachers treat children differently on the basis of their present giving? It's insulting nonsense and categorically not true.

Show quote history

Yes I do believe it happens because it happened to my daughter. I take it you're a teacher? If you don't do it why are you insulted?

QueenOfMOHO · 02/12/2023 09:59

I'd write to the head recommending the TA for an award. She sounds fab.

Bogeyes · 02/12/2023 10:02

How many best teacher cups have you seen in charity shops....that's where they end up. Don't bother!

39and · 02/12/2023 10:05

I doubt teachers and TAs care or notice if one parent hasn't got them a present. Could you pull the teacher aside one day and give a costa voucher or something like that? I don't agree that baked stuff or physical presents are a good idea.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/12/2023 10:06

That sounds upsetting, have you heard the teacher shouting at your child about being wrong?

zingally · 02/12/2023 11:01

Get the teacher the generic box of Celebrations, and the TA something actually nice.
That way your DD has two presents to hand over and no-one will think odd of it.

Wolvesart · 02/12/2023 11:19

Our DC spent a few years in a private school setting. First teacher was good but inexperienced, Yr1 teacher was experienced but utterly reliant on her TA. The culture was to give money for vouchers for both - larger sum for teacher, smaller for TA - I think more than one of us reversed the sums in Yr1. Yr2 was fab, but Yr3 back to same weak teaching and uber focus on sporty, mor kids at the expense of the brighter ones.

Honestly, if the school hadn’t been DCs experience of school, I’d have been concerned about DCs future. The moment we started him at the local school any concerns we had evaporated.

Brefugee · 02/12/2023 11:38

LyndaLaHughes · 02/12/2023 01:06

Do parents actually believe this happens? That teachers treat children differently on the basis of their present giving? It's insulting nonsense and categorically not true.

Show quote history

teachers, like parents, are not a monolith.
And i know from experience that teacher's pets, and children of parents who are friendly with the teacher got better treatment than others when my DCs were at primary. I wasn't the only parent that noticed. (funnily enough it was the kids with FT working mothers who couldn't do the free grunt work at the school that dipped out on things)

Other teachers may be impartial, but to say it categorically not true is daft.

GoFaster83 · 02/12/2023 13:45

I'm a nice teacher but there was no denying my class PSA worked more closely with a certain pupil and I wasn't in any way offended when she was given a gift and I wasn't. However I have a great relationship with this child's carer (as well as the child) so knew it was a massive thank you to my PSA for going above and beyond rather than a slight against me. She thanked me profusely and we still chat at pick up despite not teaching him for several years now. However it sounds like this teacher has not got a brilliant relationship with you so maybe a token of something cheap and something nicer for the assistant. You could hand it to the office and then they wouldn't receive them together and make comparisons?

cansu · 02/12/2023 15:01

The easiest thing for the teacher to do is to gloss over issues not to be negative. Describing the difficulties is actually the responsible and professional thing to do. It might not be nice to read but in the long run pretending things are OK when they aren't won't help your dd.

Original poster

Featherseverywhere · 02/12/2023 20:52

@cansu You include positive elements about the child in a report. She’s a fantastic girl, very bright, great socially, puts lots of effort in and has tried so hard. It says nothing of this…she’s not glossing over things, we never had a negative report until I went in to discuss her getting cross at Dd for getting things wrong l..then suddenly the most recent report states all these problems with Dd and the things she is doing wrong

OP posts:

TeenLifeMum · 02/12/2023 20:59

I never did Christmas gifts for teachers (we have enough family members to buy for) but I do end of year gifts. One year I didn’t because, in all honesty, I thought the teacher was a knob. He’s actually left teaching after various reasons a year after he was dd1’s teacher. All the others have been great and I happily gave gifts.

Hattie89 · 02/12/2023 21:14

Teacher here. It’s totally fine and I wouldn’t be offended. Kids often have a closer bond with a TA as they’re usually 1:1 or small group and have more opportunities for informal chats. Also, TAs are often the good cop to a teacher’s bad cop! 😁

emmetgirl · 02/12/2023 21:21

My DD is now 28 but during her entire time at school we never once got a teacher a present.
I sleep perfectly well still and I'm sure all her teachers have recovered from the trauma.

pleasehelpwi3 · 16/12/2023 09:46

CalistoNoSolo · 01/12/2023 18:33

I didn't ever get DD's primary teachers anything (which is probably she didnt ever get more than a two word line in any of the school plays). The whole practice is ridiculous and stinks of grovelling for favours. I did get some of her secondary and sixth form teachers gifts but because they truly had a brilliant relationship with dd and their other pupils and always went the extra mile for the girls in their classes and not because its the done thing.

I can assure you as an experienced primary teacher, for me and all of the colleagues I know, there is literally no link at all between the present received (or not received) from a parent and the line a child gets in a school play.
Would you suggest that you could bribe a doctor for better treatment with a £5 or £10 voucher? No, of course not! Same for teachers!

Snowonthebeachx · 16/12/2023 10:25

Yes agree with above there is absolutely no link between gifts given and special treatment/ lines in plays etc! Well there has never been for me or any other colleague. I cant imagine anyone having that mentality.
Gifts are always nice but never expected and no one wants anyone to be out of pocket. What teachers really like is parents who are engaged in their children's learning and polite!
It does sound like your child's needs are not being met though so have you talked to the SENCO? Does your child have a plan of support with strategies in place? I would focus on your child's experience at school and how to improve it. Don't worry about presents.

Although by all means get the TA something- they are paid half of what they should be!

wonderingwhatlifemeans · 16/12/2023 10:31

Gifts for teachers are such a strange business. At my last school they were very organised and we received gift vouchers. My current school is very different and I am not expecting anything and this does not change my level of care for the children in my class.

I have a message box in my room and the lovely messages I have received from my class have got me through a difficult time. Vouchers are lovely but recognition and appreciation are worth so much.

gooddayruby · 16/12/2023 10:41

Can't you give TA a card with a nice message explains how much she has helped dd?

Mummypie21 · 16/12/2023 10:51

I work in a secondary school and all gifts are from the students and not parents. Therefore, I have handmade cards, a cup of noodles (because the pupil knows I eat them at lunch) and even a hand-knitted headband. I much prefer that than receiving a gift because parents feel obligated. I would give the teacher and TA a card and the TA a voucher inside the card.

DaphneMoo · 16/12/2023 10:56

Just buy who you want for. Dc now teens and the only time I bought a teacher a present was for the teachers who did the residential and that was at pick up. Teacher gift giving seems crazy on MN.

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