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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad I'll never be a bridesmaid?

52 replies

FucksSakeSusan · 01/12/2023 14:07

For context, I'm mid-40s and if I'm honest with myself I know I'm being ridiculous.

I've been married twice and had 4 different bridesmaids. When my good friends have got married, I was never asked to be bridesmaid. Two of my close friends are still unmarried. One of them is probably never going to be. The other one most likely is but I know her plans and they don't include bridesmaids. I am fine with this by the way and think her plans are lovely.

The thing is, I have this real sadness that I've never been a bridesmaid and never will be. It feels like one of those things that every woman has done but I've missed out on.

Any tips on how I can deal with my ridiculous feelings about this??

OP posts:

SingingSands · 01/12/2023 14:26

Sorry, no tips.

I've been a reluctant bridesmaid. For my lovely friend whom I adore, but the day was too stressful. It's much more fun as a guest.

What do you think it is that you're sad about? Maybe breaking it down will help? Is it the getting dressed up, being an "official" part of the wedding, the organising, sitting at the top table?

TM1979 · 01/12/2023 14:29

I’ve never been one either and I never will now. It’s never bothered me to be honest. I was asked to do it once but I declined due to ttc and the bride not wanting me to be pregnant.

Throwawayme · 01/12/2023 14:31

It's shite being a bridesmaid. Just too stressful and takes up too much time. You're not missing out x

Pablova · 01/12/2023 14:31

Having been a BM 4 times I can tell you, you are not missing anything.
I politely declined the 5th time.

I was starting to emulate Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.

Luxell934 · 01/12/2023 14:31

The thing is, I have this real sadness that I've never been a bridesmaid and never will be. It feels like one of those things that every woman has done but I've missed out on.

Any tips on how I can deal with my ridiculous feelings about this??

Real sadness about this, really? Seems like you maybe don't have a lot going on in your life if this makes you have real sadness.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 01/12/2023 14:33

I’ve never been. It bothered me in my 20’s - never married either, never been to a hen do.
now I’m in my 40’s I’d sooner scoop my own eye balls out.

I get it, it feels like a bit of life others have had, you’ve missed, that you’re not part of that special day, just a spectator.
no advice, but I get it

Bear2014 · 01/12/2023 14:34

It's the absolute worst. I wish I never had to do it 😂

Hen nights, massive expense, loads of admin and then wearing a hideous dress you don't get to choose yourself. No thanks.

GrammyBea · 01/12/2023 14:35

Why does it hold such meaning to you? Have you tried to unpick why not being a bridesmaid provokes such strong feelings? Being a bridesmaid was never on my radar as something to make me happy/ be an honour etc, so I can’t relate, so forgive me if I sound rude

GalileoHumpkins · 01/12/2023 14:37

The thing is, I have this real sadness that I've never been a bridesmaid and never will be. It feels like one of those things that every woman has done but I've missed out on

I've never been a bridesmaid, I couldn't be happier about it. What do you think you're missing out on?
Frankly, I think feeling 'real sadness' about it is ridiculous.

Sallybegood · 01/12/2023 14:37

In and of itself I’d say YABU, but I’m guessing maybe being a bridesmaid is a symbol to you of more than just the wedding/experience itself? Is this a sadness about wanting closer female friendships and wanting to feel ‘chosen’ by your female friends? If so YANBU. Maybe think about how you could make some new female friends if the existing ones aren’t cutting it?

Airdustmoon · 01/12/2023 14:38

I get you OP, I’ve never been one either. As a child I was so jealous of my friends at school who got to be bridesmaids for family members and wear beautiful dresses! We had a small family and all the adults in it were already married.

As an adult, well my sister shows no signs of getting married despite having lived with her boyfriend for many years - I don’t think they’re intending to get married (she was my bridesmaid, along with a niece). My best friend from school is gay and didn’t have a traditional wedding with bridesmaids (nor would she have wanted to be mine, she doesn’t do dresses!)

And my best friend now is divorced, but she got married when we’d only known each other a year or so, so no surprise she had other bridesmaids. She’s probably my best chance of being one if she remarries in future, but she isn’t with anyone at the moment! Lots of other female friends but none I’ve made it onto the bridesmaid list for. I’m sad I’ve never been one, even if other posters say we’re not missing out on much!

gamerchick · 01/12/2023 14:39

It's shit. One big massive headache imo. Never again. Much more fun as a guest.

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 14:40

I’ve never been. Probably (hopefully) never will be. An expensive stress where you don’t get to enjoy the actual day!

Daisies12 · 01/12/2023 14:40

Honestly, it's not that great. I did enjoy it but it's stressful.

Fionaville · 01/12/2023 14:41

I was a bridesmaid twice. Once as a child. I think for kids it's a fun thing to do. For adults it's an expense and a bit of a pain really. My friend got married when we were both late 30s and I said I didn't want to bridesmaid, but my daughter who was 8 would love it (she was desperate to be one!) It was much better. The only thing you've missed out on is expense, being the brides gofer all day and being forced to smile and be nice to lots of random people all day.

Doingmybest12 · 01/12/2023 14:41

Usually I can relate to issues others have but this? No. Grown up, been married twice,no I can't relate. Never been a bridesmaid, couldn't care less. I think you need fo give yourself a shake and think about something else.

wildwestpioneer · 01/12/2023 14:42

I'm 50 and have never been a bridesmaid. I've lots of female friends but none of them have gone down the typical wedding route when getting married

ActDottie · 01/12/2023 14:51

Why does it matter so much? I’ve never been a bridesmaid. Probably never will as all my close friends have openly said they don’t want to get married. I can’t imagine getting worked up by this.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 01/12/2023 14:51

I think it’s normal to be a bit sad that you’ll never have an experience you’d like to do, but dwelling on it won’t really help. I don’t agree that most women have been a bridesmaid as I know plenty who haven’t. I have technically been a “bridesmaid” twice but I’m not sure either even counts to be honest. It was for my mum’s sisters and I was a baby the first time and a toddler the second time. I don’t remember the first time at all and the only thing I remember about the second time is the heart shaped balloons that I loved so much the bride let me take some home. I don’t have any close friends and my sister has no interest in getting married so I will likely never be a bridesmaid as an adult. I suppose it is a bit sad if I think about it too much because it does look like fun. But I try to focus on the lovely experiences I have been able to have, falling in love, my own wedding, having a child etc. Nobody can experience everything and there’s always going to be something you’d like to do but can’t, it’s better to focus on what you do have.

Catza · 01/12/2023 14:51

It's not a thing every woman has done. Heck, I haven't even been to many weddings in my time... two or three maybe?
Why do you think you feel this way?

kategel · 01/12/2023 14:52

I totally understand how you feel as I never thought I would be one and had been wanting to be one since I was a tiny little girl.
However I eventually got the opportunity and due to having young kids and pregnant it was actually just extra stress pressure guilt etc and wasn't at all what I had imagined in my head.
Friends go a bit cookoo when they're a bride and I think it can actually rock a lot of friendships. Them being stressed and wishing their bridesmaids were 'doing more' but in reality they're the only ones who know what needs to be done and what they want and find it hard to delegate. Bridesmaids feeling guilty and offering to help but as above nothing really they can do. It was nice on the day getting ready I have to say was nice, but so much stress and pressure running up to it so that was a shame!
It's also bloody expensive! You're expecting to go to hen do and also out for meals and drinks to pick dress, collect dress, make an occasion out of dress fittings for example . then generous gift on the day because you feel bad they have spent so much on you etc.
basically just don't mourn it too hard, I have been where you are and I will now be happy to never be one again!

rwc2023 · 01/12/2023 14:53

Is it because it's a stereotypical "thing" we're told all women should do - like having the big white wedding itself? It should be reciprocal, and if we've got several friends we should be bridesmaid several times?! In which case, having been a bridesmaid only once, yeah I'd agree with some of the comment above about the stress / expense you're really not missing out on.

Or is it more that it's sign of how you feel valued, or think you should, as a friend? If a friend had 2 bridesmaids, that must mean we're only their third choice friend?? Yeah that can feel rubbish too.

With a few years on you, I'll just say that my genuine friendships today are in no way linked to bridesmaid activity or lack thereof over the last 30 years.

Createausername1970 · 01/12/2023 14:55

GrammyBea · 01/12/2023 14:35

This.

It's not something I ever wanted to be - and have never been.

But for some reason it matters to you, and the best way to deal with it is to understand why it means so much.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 14:56

I have never been asked to be a bridesmaid, and I'm confident it's one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Cas112 · 01/12/2023 14:56

You don't want to be, honestly a pain in the arse

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