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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad I'll never be a bridesmaid?

52 replies

FucksSakeSusan · 01/12/2023 14:07

For context, I'm mid-40s and if I'm honest with myself I know I'm being ridiculous.

I've been married twice and had 4 different bridesmaids. When my good friends have got married, I was never asked to be bridesmaid. Two of my close friends are still unmarried. One of them is probably never going to be. The other one most likely is but I know her plans and they don't include bridesmaids. I am fine with this by the way and think her plans are lovely.

The thing is, I have this real sadness that I've never been a bridesmaid and never will be. It feels like one of those things that every woman has done but I've missed out on.

Any tips on how I can deal with my ridiculous feelings about this??

OP posts:

Mrgrinch · 01/12/2023 15:02

I want to be nice but this genuinely is a pathetic thing to be feeling "real sadness" about.

Read some of the threads on here about bridezillas trying to force bridesmaids to spend hundreds, often thousands of pounds on attending weddings/hen parties and you'll soon be counting your blessings.

Evenstar · 01/12/2023 15:11

I think it’s OK to feel a bit sad about it, I think part of it is getting older and knowing that a time in your life where that might have happened has gone.

I was never a bridesmaid, but did walk down the aisle with my mother when she remarried in her 70’s as a matron of honour, without the frilly dress as I was 51 by then!

DD was a bridesmaid when she was 10 for her cousin and I was very pleased for her, probably a much nicer experience than organising the hen do etc as an adult bridesmaid.

delix · 01/12/2023 15:15

I've never been one, nor been asked to be anyone's godparent. I quite like it. I'm popular but probably a bit irreverent and mischievous so I take the non-suitability for those roles as a compliment

LoreleiG · 01/12/2023 15:17

I hated being a bridesmaid almost as much as I hated being a bride!

fairymary87 · 01/12/2023 15:18

Honestly it's a lot of stress I always felt like this until I was one. With a baby.... not fun

SoLongDaisyMay · 01/12/2023 15:22

I get where you're coming from, I've never been a bridesmaid either and I do feel quite sad about it. Of all my female friends who have got married, none of them have wanted to ask me to be their bridesmaid. It feels a bit like not being picked for teams in PE at school

I'd like it if someone liked me enough to want me as their bridesmaid

honeylulu · 01/12/2023 15:58

I was desperate to be a bridesmaid when I was younger (both as a child and as a young woman) and no one asked. Partly it was circumstance - no unmarried aunts and I'm the oldest sibling and cousin.

I got married when I was 26. Then my cousin got married a year after that and one of my best school friends a year after that and I was bridesmaid for both. It was kind of a reciprocal arrangement but I'm not so sure if have been asked if many more years had passed. My mum insisted I could not be called a bridesmaid if I was married and I should be called "matron of honour"!

Several years later I was also best woman for another old school friend. So I guess I got my turn(s) but later than I hoped. I've never been chief bridesmaid though. My sister said I would be hers but then eloped abroad so that didn't happen.

I've never been asked to be a godparent though.

Goatymum · 01/12/2023 16:07

I was one as a child, but don’t remember much about it. Would’ve loved to have been one for a close friend but they’re either unmarried (with a partner or not), or got married abroad so just had party on return! I actually haven’t got one friend close enough to have been a bridesmaid who got married conventionally. I’ve never thought of that before!!
oh well, we’re all middle aged now so v unlikely to happen…

MabelQ · 01/12/2023 16:51

To those who are saying the OP is over the top to feel “real sadness” over this “tiny issue”… here’s my take as someone who’s also never been a bridesmaid, presumably never will be, and also gets sad about it:

It’s not the dress and shoes and spotlight I suspect the OP is sad about. It’s the fact that none of the special women in her life have ever needed her to step into that role. It often points to having friends who are YOUR OWN default, go-to, close, like-a-sister friends… but you aren’t theirs and never will be.

I had a substantial bridal party of dear friends. True, real, close, wonderful people. I have no sisters of my own. They were the best bridal team ever - helpful, low drama, hard workers, giving women who made the day precious to me.

But every single one of those women… I knew I’d never be a bridesmaid for. They had sisters. Besties who weren’t me. Were already married. And in the end, the only one I’d have stood the slightest chance of being a bridesmaid for cut off contact and eloped at a courthouse.

My sisters in law have an abundance of sisters/opted for small wedding parties/didn’t want a married woman with children in their weddings by then.

And the only single women I’m currently close with, have a number of sisters they’re incredibly tight with.

It’s not standing up at the front of a church with professionally done hair that I mourn on occasion. It’s the close camaraderie, the inside shopping trips, the squished in photos being silly together.

I’ve assisted with dozens of weddings. (I do formal alterations on occasion, so I often find myself in the bridal party’s “ready room”, pinning and tucking and running for forgotten items… and sending them off to their special moments, with sweet thanks from everyone… and then going and sitting in the back watching them all giggle.

Mourning not being a bridesmaid seems like a petty thing on the surface. But I submit that it’s not so much mourning not participating in a single day; it’s mourning that there isn’t a woman on the planet who is so close and needs you so much that she’d entrust one of the most special days of her life to sharing with you.

Aroundthewaygirl · 01/12/2023 17:48

I get it. I've never been a bridesmaid or a bride. I wasn't ever close enough to anyone during the "marrying phase" to be asked. But I would've loved being one, but only once. The younger people that I know that are in the marrying phase tell me how it's a pain to be a bridesmaid in multiple weddings this year. So once would've been fine as a bridesmaid and a bride. 🙂

Topseyt123 · 01/12/2023 18:01

Being a bridesmaid would have been one of my ideas of hell, so I am relieved that I was never asked.

If I have to go to a wedding then I very much prefer to blend in and be just one of the guests.

MyEyesMyThighs · 01/12/2023 20:28

I was a bridesmaid for someone who, a few years earlier at my own wedding, had told me she'd only have unattractive bridesmaids so they didn't over shadow her.

Not always as flattering to be asked as you might think!

Treaclesandwich · 01/12/2023 20:52

Never been one either but can’t honestly say I give a shit. As many others have said, it looks like a right royal pain in the arse.

FrozenGhost · 01/12/2023 20:59

I know what you mean OP. I've also had bridesmaids but never been one. I wouldn't say I feel sad exactly but yes, I would have been pleased to be asked, and have the experience.

When I was a kid I had the same feeling when I got to about 10, I always wanted to be a flower girl and realised then I never would be. Oh well!

fixies · 01/12/2023 21:04

I've been one twice. You not missing much!

ShipshapeShore · 01/12/2023 21:05

I did it once at 19 for a cousin's wedding. I had to wear a horrible outfit, freeze my arse off outside the church and have a small argument with the groom's mother (who decided at the church door part of our outfit should be left off and I knew my aunt would hit the roof if that happened!)

I'm sure it can be lovely but that day was frankly a bit shit.

autienotnaughty · 01/12/2023 21:09

I was a bridesmaid for a work colleague (I think she didn't have many friends) she ended up being shitty with me and seemed to regret choosing me. It was 20 years ago, no clue what I did. I didn't really enjoy the experience.

I was a bridesmaid for my best friend, she was a total dick on the day and I left in tears.

No desire to repeat the experience

SkaneTos · 01/12/2023 21:13

I have been a bridesmaid, but I have never been a bride!
And I'm not very likely to be a bride, ever.

mondaytosunday · 01/12/2023 21:15

I've never need a bridesmaid. I always thought it was what kids do. For my own wedding I had a five year old boy and seven year old girl, my sister was the MOH but only by title -she lives in a different country to me so didn't do any of the trad things.
Anyway I don't really see the attraction of wearing someone else's choice of dress and stand around til the bitter end of a wedding and be in all these photos looking like an identikit woman. Where's the upside?

Draoicht · 01/12/2023 21:23

You seem to be seeing it as some kind of token of friendship when surely it’s obvious from threads on here that it often isn’t, it’s more some slightly dimwitted bridezilla fantasy into which actual people are fitted, complete with someone else’s idea about their hair, dress size, tattoos etc. Often with a significant price tag.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 01/12/2023 21:35

Really?!
I was asked to be a bridesmaid when I was seven. The thought appalled me and I refused. I'm in my seventies now, haven't been asked since and have never regretted it.

dottieautie · 01/12/2023 21:47

Never been a bridesmaid. Never been a bride. Don’t expect either in my future, I just don’t have the right look or the kinda of friends who get married. I was sad for a while in my 30s but if I’m honest it’s more hassle than it’s worth

momtoboys · 01/12/2023 21:50

I'm sorry this hurts your feelings. If it does happen, I have 9 bridesmaids dresses you can use. I think I have done enough for both of us, :)

modgepodge · 01/12/2023 21:57

I get it OP. I actually have done it, once as a v young child (I assume because I was the only girl in the family of an appropriate age, as it was my mums cousin not anyone she was close to!!) and for siblings twice as an adult. I enjoyed both times (unlike others on here) but I still feel sad I’ve never been ‘chosen’ - I feel my siblings had to ask me really, though I’m close to my sister. I’m sad I’ve never been anyone’s first choice of friend. I had 2 friends as mine, one got married after me and chose other friends, the other is unmarried and doesn’t look likely to be and now lives in Australia and I haven’t seen her for years, so doubt I’d be asked if she does get married! Im now late 30s so past peak bridemaid age really! I’m obviously being particularly daft as I HAVE done it, but it’s more the underlying feeling that I’ve never been close enough to anyone for them to want me.

peachgreen · 01/12/2023 21:59

Ahh I get it, OP. Feels like you’re not close enough to anyone to be their bridesmaid or something. I was sure I’d be one for my cousin (who is more like my sister) but she decided not to have any and even though I hid it completely I was secretly a bit gutted. I’m over it now though and it was as special having her as mine, actually, and if I get married again (DH passed away) I would have her again. I hope you find some closure like that too.

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