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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shaken after being sworn at by horrid man

104 replies

cadburyegg · 30/11/2023 17:47

Posting for traffic

Was cycling home from after school club tonight with kids. We all have lights on our bikes and hi vis jackets. Nearly home when I get beeped at by a car. The driver stops and shouts at me that I'm an idiot for driving down the road without lights on the bikes. I said oh, we do have lights but he was adamant that we didn't and he couldn't see us. Became really aggressive and called me a "fucking twat" in front of the dc and that I "shouldn't have" dc.

I feel really upset that he couldn't see us and like an idiot because I thought the lights and hi vis made us visible, they were definitely on and working obviously not and I will get more lights, and make sure this doesn't happen again, but I can see the dc very clearly in the road. he also had a go at us for cycling in the road rather than the pavement. But am also upset that he was so horrible. We are told not to drive to school but I don't want to cycle anymore either. Feel so upset that my dc had to witness it and so guilty 😥

OP posts:
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DixonD · 30/11/2023 18:24

Aquamarine1029 · 30/11/2023 18:02

He was obviously totally in the wrong in the way he spoke to you, but I wouldn't cycle at night on the road for anything, and I would never allow my kids to do so, either. It can be very, very hard to see cyclists at night, even if they are wearing proper gear.

I agree with this. I don’t know why you just didn’t drive them. It’s much later than normal pick up. It’s freezing and it’s dark.

TheCompactPussycat · 30/11/2023 18:29

Where are the lights on your bike?

I live in a university town and so many people don't realise that their coat or their backpack are obscuring the light beneath their saddle. Ditto with hi-viz. If you then wear your backpack over it, it's not easy to spot.

Doesn't excuse his twattish behaviour but maybe something worth considering.

Also have your children cycle in front of you, not behind.

HappySammy · 30/11/2023 18:30

He was a twat. There are quite a few cyclists around here and the ones wearing hi-vis are lit up like a Christmas tree from quite far away. Though that might be my horrible bright white LED lights. That being said, there's a man who cycles on a 60mph road with bends on my route to work and I wish he wouldn't. I usually meet him around the same area each day so I'm expecting him but I really worry someone's going to come round a sweeping bend and hit him one day. He wears hi-vis and has lights but it doesn't do much good if you only have a few seconds to slow down. When driving in the dark I find the bends and turns creep up on people and they're driving faster than they would in summer.

Balloonhearts · 30/11/2023 18:35

Do you have proper rear lights, not just a tiny red reflector on the back?

Absolutely not condoning his behaviour but I've has near misses with cyclists who are all but invisible from behind and had some pretty choice words for them.

I've come to realise since passing my test that many cyclists and pedestrians are fucking morons. They have NO idea how invisible they are when they just stroll out into the road or weave in and out of parked cars.

Penaeus · 30/11/2023 18:35

TheHawkisHowling · 30/11/2023 17:57

No, I definitely wouldn't let my children cycle on the road at night, especially at a busy period in icy conditions. I wouldn't care if they were lit up like a Christmas tree.

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I'm a cyclist, and I never cycled on the road at night with my DC.

OP, you're making a good decision there, even if it's unfortunate that someone had to be aggressive to you to make you think about whether what you were doing was a good idea.

SoupDragon · 30/11/2023 18:36

The really bright lights on cars nowadays do cyclists no favours as they can blend into the glare I think and they make it really difficult for oncoming drivers to see. Which isn't the fault of the cyclists, obviously! I saw a pedestrian wearing a jacket that was entirely made of that silver hi-vis stuff. You couldn't miss him! It was excellent for visibility.

Please don't cycle on the pavement though. Pavements are for pedestrians.

Penaeus · 30/11/2023 18:37

I've come to realise since passing my test that many cyclists and pedestrians are fucking morons. They have NO idea how invisible they are when they just stroll out into the road or weave in and out of parked cars

I'm a driver, a cyclist and a pedestrian more or less equally, and there are fucking morons in all of those categories. All you can do, whatever your mode of transport, is try your best to make sure that you are as safe as you can be.

There are plenty of terrible drivers who are unable to think ahead and predict who or what might be in the road.

pinkfongg · 30/11/2023 18:39

Hi OP, I can imagine how you felt with this, because not only would you have felt upset by what he said/his demeanour but also situations like this make you lose faith in the world!!

I would say though, and I'm really sorry I don't want to go against what you're doing because it's great you're out exercising and the kids are doing it too, but I don't think cycling at this time of the year in the cold and dark is a good idea and I guess the man probably thought that too (although he didn't need to say that to you in such an awful way!).

If you have to cycle I'd stick to the pavements when it's dark and just apologise to every pedestrian on the pavement, that's probably the better option.

drowninginsunshine · 30/11/2023 18:41

@misssunshine4040 So why did you say they obviously are not working

OP didn't say this. They said they were working and on

TheHawkisHowling · 30/11/2023 18:43

SoupDragon · 30/11/2023 18:36

The really bright lights on cars nowadays do cyclists no favours as they can blend into the glare I think and they make it really difficult for oncoming drivers to see. Which isn't the fault of the cyclists, obviously! I saw a pedestrian wearing a jacket that was entirely made of that silver hi-vis stuff. You couldn't miss him! It was excellent for visibility.

Please don't cycle on the pavement though. Pavements are for pedestrians.

Those silver hi vis things are great! I saw a cyclist in a suit of them not too long ago from about 100 metres.

Lifeinlists · 30/11/2023 18:46

Average driving standards seem to have got worse since lockdown unfortunately, so it's just too dangerous to consider cycling in the dark and in icy weather with children.

I think you're sensible to reconsider OP. It's horrible to be verbally abused like that. There are a lot of angry men out thereSad

LeonardBobby · 30/11/2023 18:47

If he couldn't see you, what did he think he was beeping and shouting at? Sounds like he was just looking for a reason to be an arse.

IkaBaar · 30/11/2023 18:52

An extra light for your rucksack or lights for on top of your helmet are much easier to see. If you get lights that are aimed at mountain bikers (so sufficient to see when mountain biking in the pitch black, then cars will definitely see you). Our kids have some cheap ones from Amazon which are amazingly bright.

Proviz make some excellent stuff, DH has a backpack cover which is high viz on one side and silver sparkly for use in the dark. They really help you be seen at night. You can sometimes find cheaper versions in the middle of Lidl.

Try not to let it put you off. Are you on the family cycling group on Facebook, there you’ll find plenty of people who cycle with kids including in the dark.

Guesswho88 · 30/11/2023 18:55

I'm afraid I'd be throwing the blimmin cycle at him!

Cantrushart · 30/11/2023 18:58

There are people who immediately assume responsibility for an incident, and the others who aggressively blame the other party. Unfortunately, driving seems to bring out more of the second type; generally dickheads who drive too fast and don't pay enough attention. His response in front of children tells you everything that you need to know.

However, maybe time for a safety rethink because the roads are full of bad drivers.

Unescorted · 30/11/2023 18:59

Some drivers are just cunts when they see a cyclist.

He obviously saw you because he shouted at you and saw the kids because he said they should be on the pavement. Unless he goes around shouting into the night air on the off chance he might be heard by a passing cyclist.

Even lit up like a Christmas tree with stadium and flashing lights and wearing full reflective jackets are still not enough for some drivers.

Ignore him and don't let him take up anymore headspace.

GoingOffOnATangent · 30/11/2023 19:02

Sorry that happened op! No wonder you're shaken.
I saw a cyclist yesterday who was REALLY visible. They had reflectors on their wheels but the whole wheel was reflecting the headlights of the car, so the cyclist was as visible as my headlights were bright - brilliant! Best cyclist visibility I've ever come across and I'm in a cycling/tricky road (killer combo) mecca (Cumbria)

ilovemyspace · 30/11/2023 19:05

I don't know why people here are trying to blame you for not having proper lights / not having proper hi-vis / cycling when you could have driven / letting children cycle ............ ??

He wasn't concentrating on his driving - he made a driving mistake and he tried to blame you.

If you had taken all the proper safety measures, then just stand your ground because you've done nothing wrong! Why are you trying to apologise for someone else's inattention when driving?

CagneyAndLazy · 30/11/2023 19:05

LoreleiG · 30/11/2023 18:18

This. You did nothing wrong OP. What a wanker.

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Completely agree!

everythingthelighttouches · 30/11/2023 19:16

That sounds like a really unpleasant experience OP and there is no excuse for bad language, even if he had a nasty shock.

However, this man has probably just done you a massive favour.

I’m guessing your children are primary school aged?
I would be amazed to hear that a school would tell you that you can’t drive them home from an after school club in the dark, especially in icy conditions.

Do you have a car and drive OP? If so, I’d ignore any “advice” and use the car.

Marmalade71 · 30/11/2023 19:29

He's objectively a complete arse, no question, but certainly children shouldn't be cycling in the road once the light has gone, even if they all the right visibility aids.
Sadly lots of well-meaning advice about active travel ignores safety. We have to balance that advice with what is best and safest for our own children.

PlipPlopChoo · 30/11/2023 19:32

Can you tell us which brand and model of lights you have? Perhaps they are not bright enough.

xyzandabc · 30/11/2023 19:40

Get someone to wear your hi Vis any rucksacks you might usually wear and go for a ride on your bike in the dark. Give them a couple of minutes headstart, then drive after them to see how visible you are.

We did this a few times when DH started cycling to the train station so we could see how effective or not his light/hi Vis were.

As pp have said, not all lights are as good as others and now a lot of cycle lights are really very bright so drivers have got used to looking out for the super bright ones. If yours are older or weaker, you might well not be that visible.

Also placement. I've seen rear bike lights obscured by the saddle, by a jacket hanging down, and last week saw a man with a red light attached to his rucksack but when he leaned forward to actually pedal, the red light was pretty much pointing at the sky.

HappySammy · 30/11/2023 19:48

ilovemyspace · 30/11/2023 19:05

I don't know why people here are trying to blame you for not having proper lights / not having proper hi-vis / cycling when you could have driven / letting children cycle ............ ??

He wasn't concentrating on his driving - he made a driving mistake and he tried to blame you.

If you had taken all the proper safety measures, then just stand your ground because you've done nothing wrong! Why are you trying to apologise for someone else's inattention when driving?

This is a good point. You've reminded me of the time I was hit by a car in a Tesco car park. The driver started her car and it jumped forward a couple of feet. It knocked me down and a couple of people rushed to help. She got out and screamed at me for walking so close to her car. I was stunned and confused so didn't say anything other than "I'm ok" over and over until people let me go on my way. When I got back to work (it was my lunch break and Tesco was a 2 minute walk) my colleagues said the driver was probably in shock and angry out of fear.

Justwant2sit · 30/11/2023 19:53

OP did nothing wrong. Drivers need to accept bikes on the road ( where they generally should be). No blame . Sure offer tips eg - OP can choose to get more lights but come on .. cars have mega headlights .. they can see you ! Stay in the middle - make them overtake you wide .. Not everyone has a car - and people should not be obliged to drive. I cycled with primary school children and expected well trained drivers to cope with it. If can’t cope with a cyclist you shouldn’t be driving… next time sing him ‘you’d look good upon the seat of a bicycle made for two ‘ …to drown them out !!