Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feed back to school about this?

59 replies

CostelloJones · 30/11/2023 17:33

DC is in reception. I am under no illusion that they are a little angel. generally DC is kind and loving, but gets easily over excited/carried away.

recently a certain member of staff has rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. She has twice spoken to me about DCs behaviour, which is fine, I want to know if DC has been behaving badly… but I really don’t like how she has phrased it.

the first time it was “X has attacked another child”
the second it was “They have been really hurting other children”

speaking to other members of staff, both times it has been over boisterous play. They told DC to stop but DC didn’t. The other child/ren were told off too. I had to really chase up other members of staff for this information.

AIBU to think that the way she has phrased it is both too vague and too loaded? Makes DC sound like a tiny psycho without giving any information. I’m really tempted to talk to the school about it because it’s not helpful.

I would rather just hear “X has been hitting today and wouldn’t stop so has been in time out”

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 17:35

I can't work out the difference between this, your preferred phrasing:

“X has been hitting today and wouldn’t stop so has been in time out”

And this, what was actually said:

“X has attacked another child”

Is it that you've removed the victim from the story? Would you rather try to pretend there was no victim of your dc's behaviour?

...why?

FloweryName · 30/11/2023 17:38

I can’t see what’s wrong with what they said, assuming your child did attack another one and they have been hurting others.

Those are just truthful facts, nothing there sounds like someone is unfairly demonising your child. It is uncomfortable and upsetting to hear things like this, but you need to focus on the actual problem and not deflect your feelings onto someone at school who has done nothing wrong.

If you give the school this type of ‘feedback’ over a non event when there is a real issue that needs your attention significantly more, they are very unlikely to take you seriously.

Glamourreader · 30/11/2023 17:38

It's never easy to hear something like that about your child but I don't think there's anything wrong with what the school said, you can obviously have a conversation about all the circumstances.

You need to focus on your child, not how the school phrased the feedback.

Seashor · 30/11/2023 17:38

I think she phrased it really well considering she was probably wanting to say, ‘Your child has been a little shit again today.’

Your time would be much better spent dealing with your child’s poor behaviour.

Original poster
CostelloJones · 30/11/2023 17:38

Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 17:35

I can't work out the difference between this, your preferred phrasing:

“X has been hitting today and wouldn’t stop so has been in time out”

And this, what was actually said:

“X has attacked another child”

Is it that you've removed the victim from the story? Would you rather try to pretend there was no victim of your dc's behaviour?

...why?

Because they were both fighting each other. The other child each time has also been hitting/pushing and they have both been spoken to.

if it was solely my child acting maliciously I would understand but that hasn’t been the case.

they haven’t been doing it out of spite/unkindness it’s two children getting carried away playing a game

OP posts:
Original poster
CostelloJones · 30/11/2023 17:40

Other staff members have said “yeah that happened but it was fine” - it’s just her using really dramatic language

OP posts:
FloweryName · 30/11/2023 17:41

Other staff members are undermining this one when talking to parents?

Thats something the school might be interested in feedback about.

LIZS · 30/11/2023 17:42

But surely the focus is on your child's behaviour, not others. It is splitting hairs and you are in for a very long 14 years if you focus on such minor issues. If you feel they are actually not handling his behaviour and consequences well by all means raise that,

Hankunamatata · 30/11/2023 17:43

Stop not picking words and deal with your child's behaviour

SausagePastaForTea · 30/11/2023 17:44

LIZS · 30/11/2023 17:42

But surely the focus is on your child's behaviour, not others. It is splitting hairs and you are in for a very long 14 years if you focus on such minor issues. If you feel they are actually not handling his behaviour and consequences well by all means raise that,

This is good advice. They are at school for a long time.

LuvSmallDogs · 30/11/2023 17:45

I can understand your frustration with different staff members putting different spins on the same incident, making the severity of the behaviour unclear.

Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 17:47

CostelloJones · 30/11/2023 17:38

Because they were both fighting each other. The other child each time has also been hitting/pushing and they have both been spoken to.

if it was solely my child acting maliciously I would understand but that hasn’t been the case.

they haven’t been doing it out of spite/unkindness it’s two children getting carried away playing a game

Show quote history

I get that it's hard when it's your own child, but, hearing what the teacher actually said, that doesn't sound like the case.

“They have been really hurting other children”

This does imply that your dc X is the common denominator in the scuffles. Ie sometimes X and Y are hitting each other, sometimes X and Z. But X in particular.

There are three boys at dd's nursery who are known for pushing other kids over or shoving them out of the way to get to a toy. Usually girls, and often my dd. I'm getting a bit fed up of it tbh, although the nursery are taking measures to improve the behaviour and it's starting to improve. You should hear how she talks about it - she used to be indignant "mummy, X pushed me onto the floor today, I told him not to!" Whereas now she's just resigned at accepts that's what those boys do (to her and others). It makes me boil over with rage when I think about it.

I wouldn't be very sympathetic if one of the parents of those boys came back quibbling with how it got phrased. I'd prefer they moved heaven and earth to stop their sons doing that.

TheCrystalPalace · 30/11/2023 17:48

So you child has been playing aggressively and hurting other children and your focus is on the words the staff member used?
How about sorting your child's behaviour out?

Returnsreturnsandmorereturns · 30/11/2023 17:52

I used to teach in secondary schools. There would always be students who misbehaved, some times this would be new behaviour them on starting a new school. I could always tell for which students this would be a phase quickly nipped in the bud/ long term issue which the student had to work on or a student who would be looking a multiple exclusions and potentially permanent exclusions and significantly underachieving. It was always the behaviour of the parents who gave it away. The parents who said I always support the school but … then had a complaint about the school or some excuse for their child’s behaviour were just setting them up for failure.

I wonder if this pattern starts in primary schools?

DDivaStar · 30/11/2023 17:59

I get what you're saying she didn't make clear what happened and was overly dramatic.

But why didn't you ask her to explain what happened?

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 30/11/2023 18:00

Please head over to the 'I wonder why anyone would be a teacher thread'

ElevenSeven · 30/11/2023 18:01

To be honest, they don’t even really tell you when it’s just a one off and they’re both doing it.

The fact they are speaking to you means it’s happening enough to be a problem. Stop worrying about the language and start thinking about how you are going to get him to stop.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 30/11/2023 18:02

Take the feedback and support your child to improve behaviour.

Don't overthink the terminology.

MigGirl · 30/11/2023 18:03

I think it would be more helpful to ask to speck to the school about your DC's behaviour. Some staff are better about being more diplomatic then others. But for a member of staff to actually talk to you about your child's behaviour should be making you ask why. Not questioning the wording the member of staff used to tell you.

Original poster
CostelloJones · 30/11/2023 18:04

DDivaStar · 30/11/2023 17:59

I get what you're saying she didn't make clear what happened and was overly dramatic.

But why didn't you ask her to explain what happened?

I did - and then she clarified a bit more. Another member of staff then came over and gave more detail.

I just feel like “attacked another child” and then trying to walk off doesn’t help me at all. I can say to my 4yo “I hear you attacked someone today” but if I say I hear you were in time out for hitting” then we can address properly.

despite what many seem to think I do have high expectations and we have never had behaviour issues before at nursery. I just like to have the right information

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/11/2023 18:05

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 30/11/2023 18:02

Take the feedback and support your child to improve behaviour.

Don't overthink the terminology.

This.

bloodyhellKen22 · 30/11/2023 18:06

Hi OP I'm a primary teacher. I know it's difficult to hear negative things about your child. Some staff are probably more blunt than others: I think that sometimes we are a bit practical and forget that what is something that happens everyday and is part of the job to us, can be shocking/ difficult for parents.

As others have said, I would focus on your LO. Reception is a lot for them and it's still early on in the year. I imagine they're finding their feet, being faced with lots of new scenarios and are learning how to deal with it all. If it keeps happening, I would ask for a meeting with the teacher and discuss how you can work together to help your DC to play more appropriately/handle their excitement.

Talipesmum · 30/11/2023 18:07

Attacked sounds like your DS was the instigator. It’s fair enough if he was but if it’s equal issues on both sides I’d feel somewhat aggrieved at the language.

KrisAkabusi · 30/11/2023 18:09

I can say to my 4yo “I hear you attacked someone today” but if I say I hear you were in time out for hitting” then we can address properly.

I still can't see the difference? Why would you address either of those two scenarios any differently?

Bookworm1111 · 30/11/2023 18:10

CostelloJones · 30/11/2023 17:38

Because they were both fighting each other. The other child each time has also been hitting/pushing and they have both been spoken to.

if it was solely my child acting maliciously I would understand but that hasn’t been the case.

they haven’t been doing it out of spite/unkindness it’s two children getting carried away playing a game

Show quote history

Can you be certain the other child wasn't just hitting back to defend himself from your son attacking first though?