To feed back to school about this?

[CostelloJones]

DC is in reception. I am under no illusion that they are a little angel. generally DC is kind and loving, but gets easily over excited/carried away.

recently a certain member of staff has rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. She has twice spoken to me about DCs behaviour, which is fine, I want to know if DC has been behaving badly… but I really don’t like how she has phrased it.

the first time it was “X has attacked another child”
the second it was “They have been really hurting other children”

speaking to other members of staff, both times it has been over boisterous play. They told DC to stop but DC didn’t. The other child/ren were told off too. I had to really chase up other members of staff for this information.

AIBU to think that the way she has phrased it is both too vague and too loaded? Makes DC sound like a tiny psycho without giving any information. I’m really tempted to talk to the school about it because it’s not helpful.

I would rather just hear “X has been hitting today and wouldn’t stop so has been in time out”

I can say to my 4yo “I hear you attacked someone today” but if I say I hear you were in time out for hitting” then we can address properly.

I can’t see the difference, tbh.

FFS

Discipline your kid and deal with the behaviour

The teaching staff have 29+ other kids to deal with and they don't need your snotty attitude about little Billy being a horrible. Your child attacked another child - worry more about that than wording from the teacher

Yes yes yes!!!

As a parent whose child is the victim of children like yours, it's so frustrating.

Honestly if anyone told me my child behaved like I would be mortified and do my very best to ensure they didn't do it again.

I get what you are saying, the words aren't factual and they are judgements. Saying that though, I think you need to let it go and work with the staff to help address this.

Same. Somehow we managed to get through the whole of primary school without ever being told DD had hurt another child...and here the OP is splitting hairs over how it was worded. Ugh.

OP nursery is actually very different from primary, the adult tomchild rato is a lot different to start with. At the primary I worked at we also had a 2 form entry so a lot of kids and at playtime you could have maybe 3 members of staff on the whole playground. So kids often get into trouble with each other before a member of staff intervened. To be honest often the worst fighting where the reception children, with each other not the older children. For the school have told you then this is probably an ongoing issue. And you need to talk to them before it gets worse.

Don't nitpick over the wording they have used. Ask the school how you can help your child.

I had a ds with behavioural issues at school- not fighting but low/ medium level silliness and disruptive behaviour. By far and away the best way for us was to work with the school to find solutions and strategies even if it’s difficult.

Unfortunately you do sound quite defensive now which is understandable but school is a tough environment for some dc and you do need to work together to make it better.

The phase 'attacked a child' is fairly loaded and perhaps not a great choice of words as it doesn't really explain much.

However it does sound like there are some issues that need addressing. Is this a fairly recent thing?

Aren't you embarrassed about your child's behaviour rather than worrying about the other child doing it too? You are the type of parent that will condone and minimise their kids bad behaviour or blame someone else. The only thing you should be doing is dealing with your child rather than trying to annoy the school with not picking.

I am of course mortified by this behaviour, maybe more so because I have never seen this side of DC before and it is very recent. Of course I have asked the school what I can do and they have just said “keep an eye on it”.

I have no quibble with being told their behaviour was less than acceptable. But I need the right information to be able to follow that up, not a vague loaded sentence. That is my issue.

I have asked before about how DC is doing and always been told they had no concerns so perhaps I am being defensive when they are suddenly telling me this and it’s a big surprise.

She likely wants to make sure you understand the extent and tbh two children getting carried away to the extent they are physically fighting is more than boisterous.

I would suggest other teachers could be downplaying to avoid awkward conversation.

I know a teacher who sugar coated a child behind on maths so much that mum did not realise there was any issue until she was told a year later he is now at same level as peers.

It doesn't take much detail to talk to him and reiterate that he shouldn't be hitting anyone or fighting at all, even in play. What the other child was doing was neither here nor there.

but I really don’t like how she has phrased it.

^

Don't shoot the messenger?!

Deal with your child!

God help us

You seem to make lots of excuses for your aggressive child in your post.
Listen to what you are being told and sort it out.

Exactly, there will be a couple of little brats ruining it for all the other kids.

I agree with don’t quibble about wording

BUT

What I absolutely would be raising is the fact that she didn’t give you the context.

To be able to address this with your DC you need to know why and when they hurt another child. So that you can see if there is a pattern (is it always when hungry?), so that you can teach him alternative acceptable behaviour for that situation (if someone snatches from you, don’t hit, tell the teacher).

All the posters saying sort your child’s behaviour - it is impossible for a parent to address behaviour at school unless they are given proper details. The staff member presumably knew the details, why not share them??

It’s not about denying there is fault or bad behaviour - it’s about having the facts to be able to work on it with DC.

Raise it. My son had a job share teacher last year and one teacher had nothing but good stuff to say and the other implied he was a monster weekly. We ended up calling a meeting and outright asking her why her perception was so different. Either she disliked him and only saw bad or her way of teaching didn’t work for him and she needed to try other teachers approach as that was obviously more effective. She was furious. I wish I’d stood up for my son earlier.

Did things improve @Tryingtohelp12?

I think some posters are being very disingenuous to suggest that they cannot see the connotations of "attacking someone" when compared to "being rough/boisterous".

The latter implies thoughtlessness, carelessness, lack of restraint, whereas the former clearly implies maliciousnand targeted intent; that he deliberately hurt another child.

Both of these things require dealing with, but one is quite clearly worse.

I can say to my 4yo “I hear you attacked someone today” but if I say I hear you were in time out for hitting” then we can address properly.

Can you explain exactly why you would address this incident differently depending on which of these phrasings was used? Because I don't understand your point. I think you dislike the term 'attacking', because you find it more blunt and a bit more extreme-sounding (ehich it is). But surely your reaction to your child's behaviour should be the same, whether it's described as 'hitting' or 'attacking'?

No, I wouldn't pull them up on this or complain or whatever else you are suggesting. Regardless of the semantics, your child's behaviour isn't acceptable. And it is likely you and he are going to need some help and support to address the issue. So it's unlikely to benefit you in any way making a big deal of this. You want to try and be building relationships with the staff, not pissing them off.

I do think "attacked" is overly dramatic TBH, if what he did was hit another child.

@meganorks can't you see how your own use of phrases like "pull them up" and "complain" is totally different from the OP's suggestion that she "speak to" the school?

I say this as a teacher and a parent myself, because communication is so important. I have never had an issue with talking to a reasonable parent who wanted clarification about something. In fact, I would rather that than the parent make a judgement about my professionalism based on things that aren't true or have been misconstrued.

Spoke to DC and found out which child was involved today. I know their mum, DCs were at nursery together. She was told the same thing.

they were playing police (according to her DC) and it sounds like they got carried away. They were both told off for hitting. Her DC was upset when it went a bit far. Obviously I’ve apologised. All fine.

I stand by my comment that the language was over dramatic. It certainly wasn’t malicious intent, it was a 4yo playing a bit carelessly and still learning about social
cues.

spoken to DC about playing more gently and listening to others when they want the game to stop.