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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH being unreasonable towards the dog?

103 replies

bubblyr · 28/11/2023 22:24

My DH lacks patience and I've started to get concerned by his behaviour towards our dog. For background she is 1.5 year old very high energy dog and I will admit she is hard work. Anyway she gets underfoot a lot, whines quite a bit but she just wants attention and/or food. DH will literally scream at her if she doesnt obey a command which will then likely scare her and she will do what he asks. He has also grabbed the scruff of her neck a few times if she is really misbehaving. I know people get worked up sometimes and she could test anyone's patience but AIBU to be concerned by his lack of tolerance towards the dog and worried that this will be causing some long term harm to her? Obviously the shouting and storming around in the house creates a horrible atmosphere too.

OP posts:
theresastormcoming · 28/11/2023 23:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Catsmere · 28/11/2023 23:56

Sholkedabemus · 28/11/2023 23:06

She should keep the dog and re home the DH.

Imagine if there were shelters where angry, aggressive men were sent for rehoming after they were surrendered.

So many wouldn't pass the retraining test ...

Catsmere · 29/11/2023 00:01

bubblyr · 28/11/2023 22:43

I hope I don't come across as thinking this is acceptable behaviour. I really love my dog and just want the best for her. Honestly he is quite controlling and emotionally abusive to me so my perception is being skewed but I didn't want to make this in to a big "is my DH controlling" post. I just wanted some clarity in this situation as to whether it is normal and maybe some further motivation to leave (as a few have mentioned) and make sure she doesn't stay with him. I'd hope I can give her a loving caring home myself or consider rehoming if I couldn't.

It's unavoidable that this will become about his behaviour to you; it's already abusive, you just said so. Neither your dog nor you are safe around this man. Get rid of him, get yourselves away.

Update after seeing more posts - glad you see what it is, OP, and sorry you have this cruel man in your life at the moment. I hope you manage to get away from him soon.

Jewelspun · 29/11/2023 00:07

He's an animal abuser and the pair of you are despicable for creating anxiety in your dog.

You shouldn't have got a high energy dog if you couldn't meet its needs which clearly from your description are not being met.

FourteenTog · 29/11/2023 00:23

What if you have a child with SEN? A child that doesn't settle soon into a sleep routine? A child with a talent or gift for something high energy or noisy? A normal teenager? LTB, he's not kind enough.

Aroundthewaygirl · 29/11/2023 00:41

My ex was like this. He treated his larger dog horribly. Expected him to act like a human and when he didn’t he would yell at him or hit him. Or call him names. I felt so sorry for the poor dog, I even offered to take him but he wouldn’t let me. It really turned me off from him, how can people be so cruel to a poor helpless animal.

GingersOwner26 · 29/11/2023 01:03

Rehome the husband!

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/11/2023 05:22

It's all been said really.

From a behaviourists perspective - she will get more anxious, more fearful, she may start to snap in certain situations where she feels she can't run away, and potentially this may not be at him! Dogs can start to pre-empt peoples actions and make mistakes, jump to conclusions about what someone is likely to do, and react more strongly if its someone they are NOT deathly afraid of, than they would to the person who instilled that fear.

This is how you end up with dogs who the owners say 'would not DARE... growl at/bite... me'.... because they have successfully punished the dog in certain contexts to stop giving communications like growling, lip curling, air snapping etc.

They assume the dog is 'trained' and then the dog bites someone else over a misunderstanding, someone reaching past them for something is mistaken for reaching to hit or grab a treasured item etc... often a child or a visitor!

So staying put means you risk your dog making mistakes, building a bite history, or bolting in fear and hurting herself/others in the process.

For her good, and yours, get rid of him.

(And please don't call out a behaviourist or trainer until you have left, because it is the absolute fucking pits being sat in someones house, telling a sneering bully how to handle/train their dog, knowing damn well they don't want to hear it, will do none of it and will likely use it against the dog and partner later on.)

user1492757084 · 29/11/2023 05:35

INSIST that your DH take your dog to obedience school, pronto. If, after completing the course and learning how to gently handle a pet, he still becomes terse with her, give the dog to the local RSPCA centre for rehoming.

Make the lessons a pre Christmas gift.

I would not remain in a relationship with any man who could not learn to control angry out bursts towards animals or people.

Catsmere · 29/11/2023 05:48

user1492757084 · 29/11/2023 05:35

INSIST that your DH take your dog to obedience school, pronto. If, after completing the course and learning how to gently handle a pet, he still becomes terse with her, give the dog to the local RSPCA centre for rehoming.

Make the lessons a pre Christmas gift.

I would not remain in a relationship with any man who could not learn to control angry out bursts towards animals or people.

Have you read OP's updates? It's not her dog who needs rehoming, it's the man who's abusing both of them.

HungryandIknowit · 29/11/2023 05:52

Leave the relationship.

Shoxfordian · 29/11/2023 06:01

Yep, rehome the husband
Call women's aid for advice when he's out, look up the freedom programme and take the classes before even considering dating again

Wineisnottheanswer · 29/11/2023 06:10

Wishing you all the luck in the world for getting out

AlwaysFreezing · 29/11/2023 06:11

He's done you a massive favour. He's showed you who he is. Listen to him.

Thank God you haven't had children with him and you have the opportunity to get out before any come along.

It'll take some time to rebuild yourself, consider doing the freedom programme. But first, get out of there and don't look back.

Tough times op, I hope you're strong and have some IRL support.

GreatGateauxsby · 29/11/2023 06:18

I am glad you got clarity from posting.

fwiw I understand how the fear keeps you silent. It’s easy to say “I’d do x” but sometimes in the moment you just panic and freeze.

I do think it is a cold hard look into your own future though. You can’t/shouldn’t have children with this man.

you should also be over the moon you aren’t married and start making plans to break up and rehome ddog if necessary but it sounds like you love the dog so keep it if you can.

lifeisrough · 29/11/2023 06:20

That's so sad. That poor dog. I can't imagine treating my dog like that. Please get that dog away from your DH. Find the dog a home with someone who can cater for a high energy dog and give it the stimulation it needs, and love it like it deserves to be loved. Yesterday.

bubblyr · 29/11/2023 06:53

I'm figuring out what my options are to leave and take the dog with me, and if not then she will be rehomed to a loving family. I feel rather embarrassed that I've accepted this for my poor dog.

OP posts:
Ginandpanic · 29/11/2023 06:57

It sounds like you and your dog would be better off without this ‘man’ in your life.

yes, of course he will cause her damage, as he has you.

get yourselves out of there.
keep the lovely dog, loose the bully of a husband.

Ginandpanic · 29/11/2023 07:00

There are a shortage of good homes post the dog breeding boom of covid, so many need new homes, and now a cost of living crisis. It might not be as easy to find her a good home as you think.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/11/2023 07:03

I think you need to put your foot down and rehome if things don't change. Your dog and family will be so much better off by the sounds of it and your husband will soon get used to his new home alone where no one annoys him.
I had a similar situation with him spouting 'it's me or the dog' I mentioned he shouldn't be too quick to be offering that choice.

GreatGateauxsby · 29/11/2023 07:08

bubblyr · 29/11/2023 06:53

I'm figuring out what my options are to leave and take the dog with me, and if not then she will be rehomed to a loving family. I feel rather embarrassed that I've accepted this for my poor dog.

Don’t feel bad about this it’s a waste of time.

you are taking positive action for yourself and ddog which bluntly is more than most would do. It takes strength to do that

good luck op hope it works out.

re: rehoming if you do need to there is still huge demand for dogs in London so not everywhere is the same

SweetFemaleAttitude · 29/11/2023 07:08

If you think this behaviour is unacceptable for a dog, why are you accepting it for yourself!!!

You and the dog should both leave this bully asap!

AllEars112232 · 29/11/2023 07:10

I've recently taken on a beautiful dog that was mistreated for 16 months.
18 months later she is much better but is still scared of other peoples and does not like being touched by anyone other than me and OH.
Dogs are quickly impacted when people treat them badly. I'd suggest the whining might already be a sign of her anxiety from his behaviour (although she might be a dog who whines any way).
I hope you can do right by this dog.

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 29/11/2023 07:14

Op, the Dogs Trust may be able to help..in certain areas of the country they run a temporary fostering scheme for dogs of owners who are experiencing domestic violence.

Please, please get yourself and the dog out ASAP. This is only going to escalate and I dress to think how quickly and how far.

Take care of yourselves x

https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/ownership/freedom-project

Freedom Project | Dog Fostering Support | Dogs Trust

Find out about Freedom Project, our dog fostering service for people escaping domestic abuse.

https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/ownership/freedom-project

bubblyr · 29/11/2023 07:17

@JimJonesLivesInMyHead thanks - I've been looking at this but it says you need a letter from a support worker / agency to say you're fleeing domestic abuse and not sure if that's something I'd be able to get as he's never hit me and have no proof of the emotional abuse.

OP posts:
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