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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on Christmas party

81 replies

Partypoops · 28/11/2023 22:00

For various reasons that don’t really have anything to do with this issue, my brother, SIL and two children are currently living with me, my husband and our son. They have been here for 3 months and are likely to be for another 6 months. We all generally get on very well, and them living with us isn’t the issue.

When they moved in, we very much took the view that while they they stay here our house is their house. We don’t expect them to feel like guests, or like they don’t belong here; while it’s their home they can treat it as such.

This may have led do the current issue, which is that every year my husband and I host a huge Christmas party for everyone we know, but this year my brother and SIL don’t want us to do it. We’ve held firm (and now it’s too late to cancel tbh) but they asked us several times to skip it this year. We insisted on going ahead, they’ve decided to go and stay with my mum that weekend as a result.

Their reasons are that they’re both introverts, and they hate parties. They never host them and would never put themselves in the position of having to have a party in their house. They find them noisy and disruptive, and while our house is temporarily our home we should give consideration to how they feel about it. They don’t want to have to deal with the stress of preparation / cooking etc going on in their peaceful home space. They don’t want to have to socialise at a party on the day.

My reasons for pressing ahead are that it’s my favourite thing about Christmas, I love it with my whole heart, and I’m not willing to give it up because they don’t like the idea when they can go to my mum’s for the weekend (as they have now decided to do).

We’re all basically being civil but I can tell they’re hurt and feel like we don’t care. Have I been unreasonable? Part of me feels like it’s my house and they can just suck it up, but I recognise that we committed to this arrangement and promised them it’s their home too for the duration of their stay, and this could be seen as us reneging on that. I don’t want them to feel like I think I can just throw my weight around and discard them because they’re living with us for a while, but equally this feels like an unfair ask on their part.

OP posts:
avemariiiiiaaaa · 28/11/2023 22:03

They are being so unreasonable, not you.

MuckyElbows · 28/11/2023 22:03

They are cheeky fuckers, it’s your house!! They don’t get to start laying down the law in your house.

and I say that as an introvert who hates parties

RoseAndRose · 28/11/2023 22:04

I don't think it's unreasonable, because to go off to your DMum's for this one weekend in a 9 month stay because you do not want to change your annual Christmas party

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/11/2023 22:04

Sorry, they are freeloading staying with you, and think that gives them the right to say what you do?

flowerygloves · 28/11/2023 22:04

Do they have their possessions in "their" rooms?

Autumnleaves89 · 28/11/2023 22:04

Cheeky fuckers! I’d tell them to stay at your mums tbh.

OrigamiOwl · 28/11/2023 22:05

It's sweet that your want to be so accommodating to them, I can't imagine many families would be willing to put 2 adults and 2 children up for 9+ months. They aren't in a position to dictate to you in your own home. They really should be showing a bit of gratitude that you've taken them in.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/11/2023 22:06

They can treat it as they're home whilst they stay there but doesn't mean it actually is^ their home. ^
^
Stick to your boundaries and let them sulk.^

Mazuslongtoenail · 28/11/2023 22:06

If my partner wanted a big Christmas party, it was his favourite bit of Christmas and he was doing all the prep / hosting / aftermath - I’d say fair enough, go ahead. And that would be my OWN house.

To make that demand on someone ELSE’s house is, frankly, absurd.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/11/2023 22:06

Not sure what happened to my message. But you get it hopefully 🤣

Merrymouse · 28/11/2023 22:07

You are having the party and they are staying with your mum, so it sounds like the problem is solved. It’s not clear why there should be any bad feelings.

You aren’t throwing your weight around - even if you do feel like you should all be on an equal footing it’s your home too, and this party makes you feel at home in your house. It’s not as though they don’t have a place to stay.

Sallybegood · 28/11/2023 22:08

It’s nice that you want them to feel as at home as possible, but one party in your own home that you’re really looking forward to is not BU, especially since they are able to stay with another family member that weekend. Can’t they just treat it as a chance to have a nice visit with your mum?

Treaclesandwich · 28/11/2023 22:10

You’re not being unreasonable. In contrast, they are being mind-bogglingly unreasonable.

I’m staggered they even had the gall to tell you not to have a party in your own house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/11/2023 22:10

I can tell they’re hurt and feel like we don’t care

You’re giving them a home with all that costs and inconveniences you and your family, of course you bloody care. It’s worrying you’d even consider their feelings - if this is what they are - as fair.

They’re being beyond precious and ridiculous. Don’t entertain it for a second.

Have a wonderful party!

Multipleexclamationmarks · 28/11/2023 22:11

Yanbu.
It works both ways though. Yes you want them to feel like is their home but actually it's your home too and you have as much (more) right to enjoy it the way you see fit. That includes hosting a party in your own home!

Original poster
Partypoops · 28/11/2023 22:11

Sallybegood · 28/11/2023 22:08

It’s nice that you want them to feel as at home as possible, but one party in your own home that you’re really looking forward to is not BU, especially since they are able to stay with another family member that weekend. Can’t they just treat it as a chance to have a nice visit with your mum?

Edited

This is sort of what I hoped would happen but they’re making a bit of a meal about it. My mum is a couple of hours away and they’ll be back there a couple of weeks later to stay for actual Christmas. They also have to share a room with their kids at mum’s house which they don’t like doing because they don’t sleep as well. They have just been making a bit of a mountain from a molehill about it.

It’s reassuring to read these responses! I’m the most awful, cowardly people pleaser and I hate feeling like I’ve annoyed people. It’s good to have some objective views to stiffen my spine.

OP posts:
ScarlettSunset · 28/11/2023 22:12

It's great that you've extended such a warm welcome to them, but you shouldn't be having to go without the things you want because they are there.

It won't hurt them to go stay elsewhere for a weekend.

Screamingabdabz · 28/11/2023 22:14

Ugh joy sucking introverts… and I speak as an introvert myself. YANBU

Original poster
Partypoops · 28/11/2023 22:14

flowerygloves · 28/11/2023 22:04

Do they have their possessions in "their" rooms?

They do - their kids share a room upstairs, brother and SIL have a room downstairs, they have their clothes and a fair number of possessions (including some electronics etc) in their rooms. I’m very happy to keep people out of their rooms but I can see why they might be nervous about breakages etc. I have attic eaves storage in my bedroom they could keep things in, I might offer them the use of that for possessions they’re worried about.

OP posts:
tianabiscuit · 28/11/2023 22:15

YANBU. Them treating your home as their home for 9 months is one thing, but they don't rule the roost.

You'd think - given the accommodations being made for them - they would help the person giving them houseroom to prepare for the party, even if they didn't actually want to attend.

Merrymouse · 28/11/2023 22:16

Partypoops · 28/11/2023 22:11

This is sort of what I hoped would happen but they’re making a bit of a meal about it. My mum is a couple of hours away and they’ll be back there a couple of weeks later to stay for actual Christmas. They also have to share a room with their kids at mum’s house which they don’t like doing because they don’t sleep as well. They have just been making a bit of a mountain from a molehill about it.

It’s reassuring to read these responses! I’m the most awful, cowardly people pleaser and I hate feeling like I’ve annoyed people. It’s good to have some objective views to stiffen my spine.

Show quote history

2 hours isn’t a particularly long drive, and it’s not the end of the world to sleep in the same room as your children for 1 night.

If they make a fuss about that, then it doesn’t surprise me that they are also grumpy about the party - but that doesn’t mean their attitude is reasonable.

CremeEggSupremacy · 28/11/2023 22:17

No you're not BU. It's your house! They are just staying, and they can go away for the weekend. What on earth is the issue??

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 28/11/2023 22:17

I love MN, just when I think I've read it all someone posts something so completely batshittery that I'm glad I'm still here.

They are being CF, you OP are a saint.

Have a fabulous party.

WaitingfortheTardis · 28/11/2023 22:17

They need yo have a think about their manners, they are being very rude and unkind to you and your dh. They are lucky you are having them there, if they don't want to go to your mum's they can go to a Premier Inn or something. It is for them yo sort out, just because you want them to feel at home, doesn't stop it being your home.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/11/2023 22:17

YANBU. They are massively. However much you want them to feel at home it’s YOUR home and you shouldn’t have to stop your life because of them. If they continue to be off I would be calling out their behaviour. They can’t expect you to drop everything you would normally do because they don’t like it. In this case they can go to your parents. If it continues they may wish to go there for the remainder of the 9 months