To insist on Christmas party

[Partypoops]

For various reasons that don’t really have anything to do with this issue, my brother, SIL and two children are currently living with me, my husband and our son. They have been here for 3 months and are likely to be for another 6 months. We all generally get on very well, and them living with us isn’t the issue.

When they moved in, we very much took the view that while they they stay here our house is their house. We don’t expect them to feel like guests, or like they don’t belong here; while it’s their home they can treat it as such.

This may have led do the current issue, which is that every year my husband and I host a huge Christmas party for everyone we know, but this year my brother and SIL don’t want us to do it. We’ve held firm (and now it’s too late to cancel tbh) but they asked us several times to skip it this year. We insisted on going ahead, they’ve decided to go and stay with my mum that weekend as a result.

Their reasons are that they’re both introverts, and they hate parties. They never host them and would never put themselves in the position of having to have a party in their house. They find them noisy and disruptive, and while our house is temporarily our home we should give consideration to how they feel about it. They don’t want to have to deal with the stress of preparation / cooking etc going on in their peaceful home space. They don’t want to have to socialise at a party on the day.

My reasons for pressing ahead are that it’s my favourite thing about Christmas, I love it with my whole heart, and I’m not willing to give it up because they don’t like the idea when they can go to my mum’s for the weekend (as they have now decided to do).

We’re all basically being civil but I can tell they’re hurt and feel like we don’t care. Have I been unreasonable? Part of me feels like it’s my house and they can just suck it up, but I recognise that we committed to this arrangement and promised them it’s their home too for the duration of their stay, and this could be seen as us reneging on that. I don’t want them to feel like I think I can just throw my weight around and discard them because they’re living with us for a while, but equally this feels like an unfair ask on their part.

You sound very measured and understanding of their circumstances. Your kindness shows. I hope that this all gets put into perspective on their part and that you aren’t made to feel uncomfortable in your own home going forward with your kindness and generosity as that would be a great shame.

You’re an absolute saint to put a roof over their heads for nine months. How dare they try to dictate what you do in your own house? They need some lessons in gratitude and good manners.

What a lovely thing to say ♥️ thank you

^
Absolutely this!!

They are acting like their wants trump yours - in your house. Despite you being incredibly kind and accommodating to them.

How can anyone think this is reasonable behaviour? They are totally taking you for granted OP and seem to have a complete lack of gratitude for the absolutely huge favour you are doing them.

I think the idea from a PP that someone (maybe your husband or mum if you feel you can't) should have a quiet word with them and point out a few home truths. Otherwise who knows what other crazy shows of entitlement you might see, which may ultimately damage your relationship, so perhaps nipping in the bud now is sensible?

Have a brilliant party!

What?? I love all my siblings dearly but I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than live with them for 9 months, and I'm sure they would too! And as for DH......😂

They are so lucky to have you take them in, and should be incredibly grateful. How dare they make you feel bad for daring to do your usual Christmas thing which they happen to not enjoy? And they even have an easy alternative! Sorry OP but they sound utterly ungrateful, spoilt and entitled horrors and I'd be counting down the days until they leave!

Do NOT feel bad in any way and do NOT back down. (I hope they're cooking Christmas lunch at least...????)

Why have they stayed 3mths and going to stay another 6

Def have the party. It's what you do and they can bugger off for the weekend if don't like it

I take it they don't usually get invited or come

So @Partypoops they know you long enough to know that this is a thing you do?

they’re solving the problem by going to your dm for the weekend. Let them sulk, they’re honestly getting a great help and it can’t go all their way all the time.

keep your party, life’s too short

Sounds like they are missing out on an experience

They are outrageous! I absolutely could not deal with houseguests for nine months so you are already very reasonable in my opinion. Don’t accept any sulking. Suggest they book two rooms in the nearest budget hotel - then they needn’t share with kids, travel two hours or attend the party! If they are very, very lucky they can listen to stag and hen parties reeling back to their accommodation in the wee hours… Have a great party!

I notice they aren’t too “introverted” to plant themselves in someone else’s home for nine months! It seems they’re introverts when it suits them!

Enjoy your party and tell them that, if they don’t like it, they can find someone else to put them up for the next few months.

They are being so unreasonable it feels unlikely, tbh.

I really think they’re being very entitled about one night out of 9 MONTHS. While I’m sure you’re happy to help as you sound very kind, you will have had to make a number of sacrifices to share your home and living space for such a lengthy time, and I’m assuming you have potentially made financial sacrifices too. Therefore the idea that they can’t make sacrifices for one night to allow you to do something that brings them so much joy is incredibly selfish.

How exactly did they express their upset at your annual party?

I understand their point of view, I would hate the Christmas party too. However they're living with you for free, they could stay in a hotel overnight if they had no alternative.

Your DB and SIL are being very ungrateful when you are putting a roof over their family's head for 9 months. If you normally host a party every year then you should absolutely go ahead with your plans this year. If they don't want to attend then they either sort out an airbnb locally for a night or two or be thankful that family, once again, is supporting them.

Are you charging them rent whilst they're staying in your house?

Oh, they can fuck right off.

You are doing them a massive favour at considerable inconvenience to yourself and the poor wittle introverts can't suck it up for a once-a-year party???

I'd be packing their bags for them and suggesting they find accommodation more to their liking.

Are they paying anything at all to you?

Good point.

Well said.

Telling them to treat it like their own home was a mistake. One dan be generous without sacrificing all boundaries.

You sound lovely, OP. I hope you have a fabulous party.

I am an introvert with ASD. Living at a house hosting a big Christmas party is my idea of hell.

you are being incredibly generous to host your family for an extended stay. They can decamp elsewhere for a weekend, even if that means they have to get a hotel. There is no reason you should have to skip you party.

your only obligation is to be understanding that your family may not want to stay in the house while you host.

Perhaps a firm ‘I’m glad you’re ok with this plan since I would have been really upset and miserable at missing my annual Christmas party, it would have spoiled my whole Christmas to be honest and I know you would have felt bad about that when you realised, so perhaps I should have been more clear about how much this party means to me.’

Ooh I hope she's on Mumsnet and sees this - Hi Freeloaders! You're being totally unreasonable! Get a grip!!Youve got a place to stay - try being grateful you twats!!

Yes I'd also like to know if they are paying anything towards your increased costs - more utilities, food, toiletries, loo roll, etc???

Have a great time and if they whinge at all, point out they are welcome to find other accommodation if they're not happy!!

They aren’t paying any rent, which I am fine with. Part of the reason they’re staying with us is due to financial difficulties (I don’t want to go into their business in any great detail but they were really unfortunate and ended up in a very difficult situation which wasn’t their fault).

They pay half of our fuel bill but don’t contribute to other utilities. They mostly buy their own shopping and also cook for us a couple of times a week.

I’m sure it looks like they’re taking financial advantage too but this was all part of our offer and we don’t mind this aspect. We’re lucky to be in a position to help, they were very unlucky to end up in difficulty, we love them and we know they would have done the same for us if the positions were reversed.

That said I have a lot to think about from the comments on this thread! I didn’t really think I was being unreasonable but I hadn’t faced up to how unreasonable they are to have asked this at all. I think we need to have a proper talk about it.

They are genuinely good people who we get on with very well most of the time, but I think my brother and I have fallen back into the unbalanced and unhealthy dynamic of our childhood, where he was my brilliant and quite bossy older brother, and I would have done anything for him. I think for a long time we’ve been in the habit of him always openly expressing what he wants, and me always going along with it (because I’m a people pleaser and always want to keep the peace). I suppose he has got too used to always getting his own way, and neither of us have faced up to how unfair that is.

We will find a way forward, but in the meantime I will enjoy my party with a clear conscience!

When they moved in, we very much took the view that while they they stay here our house is their house. We don’t expect them to feel like guests, or like they don’t belong here; while it’s their home they can treat it as such.

I think this is the issue. They are guests staying for an extended period of time and should behave so. It’s not their home and they need to respect the way you do things.

I’m glad you have realised they are being cheeky.

Are there any other areas apart from the Christmas party that they’re expecting you to put their feelings above yours?