To insist on Christmas party

[Partypoops]

For various reasons that don’t really have anything to do with this issue, my brother, SIL and two children are currently living with me, my husband and our son. They have been here for 3 months and are likely to be for another 6 months. We all generally get on very well, and them living with us isn’t the issue.

When they moved in, we very much took the view that while they they stay here our house is their house. We don’t expect them to feel like guests, or like they don’t belong here; while it’s their home they can treat it as such.

This may have led do the current issue, which is that every year my husband and I host a huge Christmas party for everyone we know, but this year my brother and SIL don’t want us to do it. We’ve held firm (and now it’s too late to cancel tbh) but they asked us several times to skip it this year. We insisted on going ahead, they’ve decided to go and stay with my mum that weekend as a result.

Their reasons are that they’re both introverts, and they hate parties. They never host them and would never put themselves in the position of having to have a party in their house. They find them noisy and disruptive, and while our house is temporarily our home we should give consideration to how they feel about it. They don’t want to have to deal with the stress of preparation / cooking etc going on in their peaceful home space. They don’t want to have to socialise at a party on the day.

My reasons for pressing ahead are that it’s my favourite thing about Christmas, I love it with my whole heart, and I’m not willing to give it up because they don’t like the idea when they can go to my mum’s for the weekend (as they have now decided to do).

We’re all basically being civil but I can tell they’re hurt and feel like we don’t care. Have I been unreasonable? Part of me feels like it’s my house and they can just suck it up, but I recognise that we committed to this arrangement and promised them it’s their home too for the duration of their stay, and this could be seen as us reneging on that. I don’t want them to feel like I think I can just throw my weight around and discard them because they’re living with us for a while, but equally this feels like an unfair ask on their part.

Or they can stay for the party.

Treating the house as home doesn't mean they get to treat it more as their home than you do- you also need to treat it as home.

Honestly they are BVU.

As an introvert who also happens to not enjoy Christmas parties (even though I love everyone at it!) I think they're awfully cheeky! I'm glad you're sticking to your guns, they will survive a night in a shared bedroom...

OK, I hate parties and I'm about as introverted and curmudgeonly as it gets, but absolutely YANBU!

You would not BU to have a party even if they didn't have the option of going to your mum's. Regardless of your relationship with them, it is YOUR BLOODY HOUSE.

They're also being massively wet about staying with your mum. Two hours isn't a long drive in the big scheme of things and spending ONE NIGHT sharing a room with their kids is also not a remotely big deal.

They should've booked a hotel.

It's bizarre that they think that they have an equal or greater say in this.

You've been extraordinarily generous to them and will continue to be for another six months. That they're taking the view that you don't care enough, is almost beyond belief.

What did your mum think about this? It seems to me that someone ) not you or your DH) needs to have a quiet word with them about the way they see this arrangement, and suggest that they show a bit of gratitude rather than sulking about you living your normal life while they're there.

Signed
Another introvert

They have achieved something I previously thought impossible - made my BIL and SIL look really reasonable. Bloody hell, who do they think they are.

I’m the most awful, cowardly people pleaser and I hate feeling like I’ve annoyed people. It’s good to have some objective views to stiffen my spine.

That’ll be why they felt entitled to try and push you around and stop your beloved tradition and are now sulking when you held firm. It gets easier the more you put your foot down, I promise.

Keep your spine stiff and your spirit festive. You are doing them the most enormous favour, stop undervaluing it!

They are dicks and you are a legend.

You are being super kind. Them going to mum’s is a great solution.

Them complaining about it suggests they’re getting comfortable with you being a people pleaser and are taking you for granted. Not nice. Hold your head high and go ahead with the plan.

I hope they’re not taking advantage in other areas as well. And that they’ll move out without fuss when the time comes.

Omg they are drama lamas. If they don't want to stay at mums they could book a room in a hotel

YANBU

You're doing them a massive favour, they should be able to find alternative accommodation for one night.

(Unless you're going to drip feed that the reason they're staying is because of some sort of tragedy that means it would be insensitive to have a big party).

It is an unfair ask on their part and frankly I’m amazed they asked it of you.

OMG I can't believe the nerve of them! Your DB and SIL are behaving like spoilt, selfish, entitled teenagers. My mind is boggling. Just how do they think they have the right to tell you what to do in your own home and then get shirty when you don't do it, all whilst enjoying your extremely generous hospitality? Unbelievable.

Have a fabulous Christmas party OP and maybe throw another one on NYE.😉

100% YANBU 🥰

You sound absolutely lovely OP and I hope you have a wonderful time at your party. I love a party as well so cheers 🍻

Feeing quite tearful now at some of these lovely messages! Thank you all ♥️

I’m a massive introvert and would absolutely hate a party like this and would almost rather clean my house than say yes to this kind of invitation.

HOWEVER it’s your bloody house! They are being incredibly unreasonable. Ignore all their silly tantrums or whatever they’re doing and enjoy your party 🥳. Drink whatever you want, eat whatever you want and dance or talk or whatever you do at a party.

And do NOT let their moaning spoil it, even afterwards.

(But please don’t invite me 🤣)

Isn't it depressing that you have been amazingly generous, and it's not enough?

I think you need firmer boundaries because they obviously don't respect you.

I too think they should have booked a hotel somewhere closer to you if they're not happy about sharing a room with their kids and driving a couple of hours to get to your Mother's. Again, I agree with everyone else, incredibly entitled of them to have the nerve to tell you they don't want you to have your usual party. Did they really think you would cancel something which is part of your usual Christmas rituals? I think after Christmas I'd be telling them that by their actions over all this, they have majorly taken the piss, and you're no longer willing to go the distance, as you feel they've taken your generosity for granted.

Have a wonderful time at your party, and like a PP I'd be tempted to have another one at New Year, just to piss your ungrateful family off a bit more, but then, I'm not a people pleaser ............. anymore!!

No tragedy - some tough circumstances that put them in a tight spot, but nothing they won’t get through. I really am glad that we can help them and certainly don’t want to hold a favour over their heads when I love them and I am happy to help. But it’s genuinely helpful to see these responses as I think am so used to doing what makes others happy by default I really couldn’t see how cheeky they’ve actually been. I expect they don’t realise either and we have all fallen into a bad dynamic. Need to think it all through in the wider context!

YANBU. They even have another free place to crash! It's the height of CFuckery that they would even say a word to you about this. And given your kindness it would actually be more appropriate if they offered to help and then plastered a smile on for your guests. Not slope off when they know the party is important to you.

They are absolutely taking you for granted if they feel this is a reasonable request. You have been extremely kind opening your home to them for 9 months. They should be going out of their way to be considerate to you not making entitled demands like this!

They seem to have a high sense of entitlement for people who don't seem to have their own home!! Why are they having to stay at your house for so long?
You must have an awful lot of patience!!

They’ll probably realise, if they haven’t already, that they are being totally unreasonable and even more so inconsiderate.
Have a wonderful party and don’t let their thoughtless actions put a dampener on it.

I think families often fall back into old relationship patterns despite changes in circumstances - E.g. adult children living at home don’t pull their weight, siblings quarrel. Maybe this has happened to you.

Enjoy your party OP!