To think I'm not made for modern life?

[thesoftlife]

And in fact, none of us are. It's so miserable.

Dragging myself out of bed when it's pitch black and freezing, putting the light on to get ready at 6:30am, scoffing down some microwave porridge and instant coffee to then sit in traffic. Get to work for 8am, sitting on uncomfortable seats under fluorescent light with strangers, being made to sit in one spot inside all day. Drive home in the dark, eat dinner, watch TV and go on social media as it's too cold and dark to want to do anything else.

I just find myself longing for a quieter, softer life where my time is spent with family and a local community, and instead of the clock and deadlines my time is marked by the sun rises and sunsets and season changes. As I got ready this morning I just felt like this isn't what we're made for. Lighthearted, kinda.

I think some people make home-educating their entire identity. Look at the poster’s name for example. It’s the evangelising I find strange. I mean, it’s great you have found something that works for you and your family. But why do you need to ‘convert’ others, like it’s a religion?

I totally get what you're saying OP. I like to think I've managed to strike some sort of balance really.

I'm fortunate that I am able to work part time 2 days a week and still have a little one at home. I do love my job however and have very good friends there but one day is at home which helps balance with school runs etc.

We moved to a quiet village in the countryside but close enough to a city. We have a holiday home by the sea which is my happy place. I like to get out and get fresh air and home and away as I find it relaxes me.

I have hobbies so get to meet friends regularly and i prioritise reading some nights rather than watching tv/endlessly scrolling social media.

My youngest starts school soon and I hope to send my free time more leisurely, planning a lovely meal from one of my cookbooks that I don't get the time to do currently.

All this comes at a price though as my lovely DH works very hard and very long hours but he has a very exciting job which he adores!

Came to say this. Modern life in a safe stable country is a bloody breeze compared to what our ancestors lived. Not here to have a dig at OP, but let's imagine reframing OP's life of abundant luxury for a second...

Getting out of my warm, cosy bed, in my safe and secure home after a good night's sleep, turning the light on via electricity which means I can have light any time I like, going downstairs to eat warm, tasty, cheap and filling food I can have whenever I want it, then driving my car which affords me freedom and flexibility and independence all the way to my job that takes place during the working day rather than weekends or evenings, sitting down all day while doing the job that brings me enough money to live. Going home, yet more delicious food, having enough time and money to spend a couple hours on simple fun entertainment while staying in touch with loved ones online in a way that wouldn't have been possible just a couple decades ago in my warm home before going to sleep in my nice snug bed, knowing if I become poorly the NHS will help me without expecting a penny and that nobody is going to kick my door down in the night and stab me to death.

@hjytrjulykuyh great perspective.

I think people get very caught up in what they're supposed to own and spend their money on (cars, holidays, home improvements etc) to the detriment of what would truly make them happy.

We have cultural expectations around what we should own and how we should live, and the people who reject that are treated like weirdos.

I'm not well off. My car cost less than £3k and I haven't been on holiday for about 20 years. Would everyone else be happy with that? I don't know. My money goes on living in a pleasant, safe and friendly area, and buying good local food. I often feel incredibly lucky.

@WasRobbed

I think some people make home-educating their entire identity. Look at the poster’s name for example. It’s the evangelising I find strange. I mean, it’s great you have found something that works for you and your family. But why do you need to ‘convert’ others, like it’s a religion?

I can understand the evangelising up to a point because it's still very much a minority thing and a lot of people have chosen to home ed because their children have really struggled in mainstream school. So if it's finally worked for you I can see there might be an "a-ha" moment.

What I do find extremely irritating about the evangelism is the lack of recognition that you have to be in an incredibly privileged position to do home education. You get some posters who imply that keeping children in mainstream school is tantamount to cruelty. In reality a tiny tiny proportion of people are in a position to do this. If you're lucky enough to be able to consider it a bit of tact would be appreciated.

I get you, OP. I don't think the responses that tell you to think yourself lucky you're not down a mine or dying giving birth to your 15th child are useful contributions, really. It is possible to be thankful for electric light and penicillin and still acknowledge that many people feel that many elements of modern life are (a bit) rubbish (sometimes).

There are two things that have changed my life for the better, if it helps at all. One is WFH. I know it's not for everyone but it's given me the gift of time, which is invaluable. I no longer stress about getting up and out to catch the bus, then the train, then the tube, and do it all again on the way home. I can't believe I used to do that every day! I get a proper lunch break, I can pop out to the garden for 15 mins, etc etc. Yesterday I even nipped up to the allotment in my lunchbreak, faffed around with a spade and the compost heap for an hour and came back feeling reinvigorated.

Second is spending more time in nature (see above). There's endless research to demonstrate the physical, psychological and emotional benefits of being in blue (water) or green (forest) environments. We moved from the London 'burbs to a seaside town a few years ago and are now a few mins walk from a beautiful beach. Today in a work lull I walked into town, got a (good) coffee and strolled on the beach for an hour. Absolute gamechanger for my wellbeing.

The third improvement will be cutting down on my screen time (social media etc). It brings very few benefits to my life but it is addictive and a time-sink. Still a work in progress though!

I can relate about the office-y bits of your description OP - I couldn't hack it. I now work for myself, the people around me are lovely, and we work (charity) with some very poor individuals and try to improve things for them. I often feel grateful that I can do an online food shop, or switch my heating on when I feel cold.

But the way some people post about this you would think all you have to do is chuck it all in and run barefoot into the countryside with your children and everything will fall into place.

Well - it's not quite like that. I have always lived rurally and managed to make it work. Rather a lot of travelling involved, but otherwise very much like anyone else living in towns or cities. It is swings and roundabouts - the extra travelling is just something that becomes normal life and not a matter for thought or concern.

Of course there are livings to earn and shopping to do - just ordinary life really - no running barefoot anywhere!

But what is gained for me is the total beauty around me - it is a daily tonic. And has been precious to my children too. They went to wonderful village schools - small and family like and unthreatening. And no-one walks past each other in the lane without a greeting.

What I am saying is that if this is what the OP wants then it is in her power to make it happen - this or anything else. It is just about making a decision to go for the life you want. It might work, it might not - but it won't happen without a leap of faith.

I agree to an extent, although sometimes I think we've swapped one kind of oppression for another.

If i had the funds in the bank then id focus on my studies and my own projects.

Yep - I agree about swapping oppressions. Women's Lib fought for so much and made so many gains; but has it made women happier in their current chaotic stressed lives? I do not know.

Completely agree op.

Cringe: it was a joke. Hence the lol emoji.

“They are all a bit odd” 😂

@Namddf slightly off topic but a sizeable portion of home ed community have children with SEN, so I met a few not "like this". That said, when we were home educating disabled child I actually ended up more and more disconnected from home ed families because so many of them were like that. It was like you had to buy into the whole lifestyle (radical unschooling, very unconventional lives and yes a lot of anti-vax) or you didn't really belong at all.

I suspect yes, of course, though it might be a difficult thing to compare as the women alive now obviously haven't got lived experience of what life was like generations ago.

Today we have choice, and independence (in this country at least) which goes a long way, I think. If we don't want a child, we have birth control. If we have one it's because we've chosen to. If we have an accidental pregnancy we have options. If we want to go and study, we can. If we want to change jobs, we can. Home chores are MUCH faster and less time consuming with microwaves and washing machines and dishwashers and hot showers. You don't have to just get on with an increasing brood of kids whenever your husband fancies a bit. Social safety net (benefits).

Is my life hectic? Sure, in some ways, but it's all things I've chosen. And I guarantee I have more downtime than my great great great grandmothers who were caring for a bunch of kids with no mod cons to help. Spousal rape didn't even exist until fairly recently, it's that recent that we have the legal right to say no to sex from our spouse. Medicine advances all the time, things that might have killed us in the past are now readily treatable, and things that aren't treatable at least we have things like painkillers and comfort care. We are so, SO lucky.

All very, very true.

I can completely understand why women (including myself) fantasise about (a sanitised version of) "the olden days" though.

Ah yes, The glorious olden times. Waking at the crack of dawn to milk the cows and draw the water from the well and toil all day. Pestilence and plague. Sigh.

I think it’s office work most jobs involve been day on your arse all day odd not healthy I don’t want to work outside but want to do something where I feel connected to something other than a laptop

I remember sitting with a colleague looking out of a high up office window at the rush hour scene below. Hundreds of people pouring g out of tge tube, rushing about.

He said "ll the ways humans could choose to live their lives, and we've done this to ourselves".

I changed my life and moved to the countryside. I never get up before 9 o'clock now, never have to defrost the car. I work at home in my own business and set my own hours.

I have a lot less money and if I'm honest I do miss being 'important' a bit, but I love rural life.

@Mischance

Yep - I agree about swapping oppressions. Women's Lib fought for so much and made so many gains; but has it made women happier in their current chaotic stressed lives? I do not know.

Comparing the “oppression” of modern life (and I’m guessing that by this you mean women working) with the oppression of women’s position in society through history is trivialising what women’s lived experience has been like. This position, to put it politely, makes me really cross.

The discomfort of having to earn your own money (which you now have greater control over) compared with the days when women were essentially the property of their husbands and fathers. When a man could legally rape his wife. When it was in many countries illegal for women to work. Where it was impossible to leave an abusive marriage or inherit property or basically have any agency in your life.

I know what I prefer.

Having a moan about life being hard and wanting more time with your kids is fine. But lets please get some perspective on this.

To be honest what you describe is no different to how it's been forever, we'd all like to be somewhere pleasanter in winter, one of the reasons we spent a few years abroad. It's not a symptom of modern life, it's simply life!