MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

This. This thread seems to be filled with an alarming number of aunt Lydias who only seem to value the mighty penis owners. So much internalised misogyny masquerading as martyrdom, masquerading as 'kindness'.

So utterly depressing.

Really makes me wonder how on earth you’ve categorised what is described here as abuse. Get a grip.

What do you classify as abuse, @AnneValentine ?

Shouting at a woman for her choice of birth, shaming her because her husband will find her less appealing if she doesn't have a c section, feeding someone else's kids formula without asking when you know they're being breastfed - abusive. It's called coercive and controlling behaviour and the courts recognise it as abuse these days even if you haven't caught up yet. Happy to help. I hope at some point in your life you develop some empathy.

Raising a son who is so enmeshed with his mother that he is unable to handle his wife's choice to step away from her high conflict behaviour, doesn't suggest she brought him up in an environment in which he could thrive either.

Yep, she also told her that her babies were waking during the night because they felt unloved because she couldn't give them enough attention because she'd had them so close together, and that some women are just not natural mothers.

That's not someone giving advice.
It's not someone giving 'unsolicited advice'.
It's not someone just being rude.

It's behaviour designed to demean and belittle

Emotional abuse (also called psychological abuse) is a type of abuse where someone tries to use emotions to manipulate, embarrass, shame, blame, criticise, or otherwise try and gain control and power over someone else.
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/emotional-abuse.html

giving a child cake.

I think perhaps you have some culture clashes going on here.

My Bil is in the same situation, he married a woman that failed to understand the nuances between different countries and has drived a wedge and made a big fuss over small remarks that most people would just forget.

I think if you marry someone from a different cultural background, there needs to be some acceptance on both sides that things will be perceived differently by some way of cultural differences or the whole relationship is a non starter.

I think making light of some very accurate and referenced posts about what counts as abuse, suggests you are either shit stirring, or somebody who's opinions on a complex family situation, involving people who are dying and or/about to be bereaved, shouldn't really be listened to.

Funny how the people defending this dreadful woman have nothing to say in response to the worst examples, and have to resort to just repeating the cake thing over and over again. Not sure if completely thick or just ignorant.

I don't think that suggesting that somebody who criticised their DIL for 'putting their DH through a C-section', did so just because they are 'a bit foreign', is quite as progressive as you think it is.

@AnneValentine what about all the other stuff? Repeatedly? Or are you just picking and choosing your options here?

Yep it's disgusting and pathetic behaviour really.

They know they're wrong but even though it's an anonymous internet forum they can't just say "you know what, I got it wrong" and would rather double down on their opinion and still continue to make out that OP should have put up with this and now deserves the shit she's getting from her husband.

I'd have thought your husband could take the children to see his mother. I understand they didn't like going without you, but he could still have taken them if it was so important to him

I'd have thought he could see his mother on his own

I'd have thought he could have asked his mother to make his favourite food for him/her grandchildren

Of course he didn't do any/much of the above and NOW he feels guilty so he is blaming you

Sad man

If she thought you were bonding your DC to your parents only, even before birth, then yes, I could understand a comment as primal as remarking on their colouring - as a frantic grab at trying to show even the most tenuous link to DH family and background. Grandparents go loopy, everyone knows that. But they’ll go loopy in an untoward way if excluded.

if you’ve done nothing other than make her feel secure and included, then yes, she was being beyond unreasonable - and some very disordered of thinking GPs will do that no matter what you do

Or a man who struggles with managing relationships with his family, due to poor examples and unattainable expectations set by his family of origin. Many on this thread have pitched the debate as Husband v Wife, when actually, they are in a tough, sad situation without the tools to deal with it, and it isn't really either of their faults.

Grandparents go loopy, everyone knows that.

No they fucking don't! How utterly bizarre to think that older people are completely incapable of managing themselves!

My pp on this thread was to say that DH could have tackled MIL and asked him to treat his wife with more respect, and he could have taken his kids to see her, and now he is punishing OP for his failures.

But the divide on this thread is not actually that some posters are defending abuse but that some posters are genuinely robust enough to deal with MIL’s batshittery without taking it personally, and some are more sensitive like OP and need to distance themselves.

I think that is a sensible reflection @Mirabai , but I would question if those posters you identify as 'genuinely robust' really are, or whether some might actually be a bit naive about some mummies being horrid, and whether others might be a bit of a nasty piece of work themselves?

Horrible take. Some people being ‘robust’ enough to put up with abusive behaviour doesn’t make OP ‘more sensitive’. Aside from the cake example, OP’s MIL has been coercive and controlling which is objectively abusive behaviour, whether you wish to put up with it or not does not change the fact

And some people are robust enough that even though they could deal with it without taking it personally, they would choose not to, because they have strong boundaries.

No way on this earth would I be letting a MIL tell me my kids were waking in the night because they didn't feel loved because I couldn't give them enough attention because I had them so close together, or that some women just aren't natural mothers.

I wouldn't take that shit from my own family, I wouldn't take it from a friend, I wouldn't take it from a partner, I wouldn't take it from in-laws.

Nothing necessarily very 'robust' about pandering at all anyway. Often pandering and putting up with shit is fine for a while, but catches up on people in the end or else they might have a time where they are feeling less strong and then the behaviour does have a negative effect on them. I would never encourage or expect people to put up with poor treatment just because they can handle it for that reason.

Tbh what’s to say OP hasnt been ‘robust’? Shes chosen to distance herself from a horrible woman and taken a stand in doing so. Those who think they’re robust for putting up with such behaviour could be considered the weak ones for not standing up for themselves 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely.
Having boundaries about what you choose to accept in your life IS robust!
It's sensible, it's mature and it's being a good role model.

I think there is also a point to be made here about just how well a more 'robust' personality might have gone down with a MIL like this.

It is a very big assumption indeed to assume that somebody who simply laughed off horrible comments would have been welcomed more than the OP was.

Do you really think the DH would have considered OP to have been making an effort to establish a relationship with his mother if that is what she had done?

My mother became a GM at 39

My comment was nothing to do with older people.

Maybe loopy isn’t the right word, I’ve mostly seen GPs go loopy (for want of a better word) in a really positive way that augers well for their children and grandchildren