MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

@Panaa

but noooooo it's all the OPs fault, she should have went time and time again to put herself in the firing line to listen to vile comments.

If you had bothered to read what I wrote befor scrambling so desperately to jump up on your high horse you would see that I said exactly this:
I'm not surprised your husband is angry but he bears responsiblity for this too for allowing this collusion with the 'never went without mother" - so he's probably blaming himself.

men can’t use their wives as emotional punch bags because they are angry, sad, or tense, or feel Guilty!

That goes for MILs too.

Some useful phrases:

"My recollection differs"

"I get that you're upset about losing your mum, but taking it out on me isn't going to make anything any better."

"You and I both know that you're being unfair to me right now. I'm going to leave the room, you're welcome to follow me for some comfort and support for your grief when you're in a position to accept that rather than to deflect with anger and blame at me."

"I have every right to have boundaries around the way I am spoken to."

"I think you know in your heart of hearts that you're being unfair to me."

"It's easier to feel anger than grief, isn't it?"

I was just replying to that particular post. I'm not taking note of the usernames and going back to see what else was said.
What you said there wasn't what you said in the post that I responded to.

God the handmaidenry on this thread is off the charts!

These seem pretty sound

As MiL clearly doesn't like the OP why on earth would she want to spend time with her when she hasn't got much left?

Speaking as a grandparent, the MiL was an absolute cow; she didn't deserve a relationship with the DC.
Good grandparents are worth their weight in gold but they are not a necessity.

And the OP's DH should have told his mother to put a sock in it!

Giving cakes against wishes.. OMG, cut off contact immediately!!

when my DD goes to my ILs they have little biscuits that she likes and treats that she wouldn’t have all the time at home, and she loves going there! Grandparents, want to be able to spoil their grandkids, it’s part of what forges that special relationship that’s different to what they have at home, so unless there’s an allergy or weight issue I personally think it’s overbearing to insist they can only give them not very special things that you have pre-approved ahead of time, it’s not going to hurt them to have a bit of cake on the very rare time they’re allowed to visit their grandmother.

its not even worth mentioning, which makes me wonder why OP has listed that one at all.

Good point.

His mother is dying, he needs support and this is a time he should be able to expect support from you. You can chose to acknowledge his feelings and support him or you can focus on how horrible you think she is. My stbxh parents don't like me and we don't see eye to eye on many things, but I would never stop them having a relationship with their grandchildren, as much for my DC sake as anything else. Your DH isn't wrong, you didn't give them a chance to have a relationship with their grandmother. He's probably focusing on your actions because it's easier than admitting his own short comings in supporting a relationship between his mother and his chidren and yes his DM played her own part in this, but he's not wrong saying you blocked the relationship.

You need to acknowledge and validate his feelings, not his arguments. Feelings aren't right or wrong. Somethings you can't fix things and my DS psychologist said in those situations what's needed is to listen, acknowledge the feelings and how hard/sad/unfair the situation is.

If he's talking about the kids not knowing her you could say it was especially hard because they're so young and you wish they'd have gotten the chance to know her when they were a bit older and more independent. The truth is there may not be anything you can say right now that will help, but the start of getting to a better place would be listening to him and acknowledging his feelings and what he's going through.

This is a very common phenomenon. Death seems to turn sinners into saints. You see it all the time. As soon as someone dies, or is dying, people's attitudes change. Every wrong they have done and every shit thing they have said is forgotten. It doesn't matter how horrible they were, or how many people they hurt in life, they are remembered as only good on death. "Poor X. She was such a lovely person. I remember the time she..."

I'm amazed at the amount of posters describing the MILs comments as "mild." Mild, they're not! They're extremely rude and undermining. I've suffered my fair share of rude family members, so I get it. Maybe it's that much more irritating BECAUSE they're people you can't easily get away from. Perhaps people who haven't experienced rude family members can't really understand. On a different but related note, I've also noticed that some people are appalled at family estrangements no matter how abusive someone has been. I think there are people who just have no idea what it's like to have a toxic family member and can't relate to it. Also, some people can't relate to anything unless the same thing has also happened to them.

I heard a funny line once. "Ahhh, family. The other F word!" 😂

Can you take your children to visit MIL along with your DH? I think now is an excellent time to take some photos of them all together, and get someone to take some including you too. I also think you should take some video. I think your DH will find photos and videos of his mother and children together comforting in the future.

Your DH is just realising that his children will never know his mother, and his heart is breaking. 😢

I was lucky enough to know all four of my grandparents well, and the nice thing for my parents when they got elderly was that I could freely discuss their parents with them and share memories, and say things to my parents like "You sound just like your mother!" and "You're looking so much like your dad these days." It's really lovely when your children know your parents and it provides a wonderful generational continuity that's very comforting. As in, when you're old, your parents are long gone, but your children knew them.

That's what your DH won't have, and that's super-sad for him. And no siblings either. Poor guy!

You haven't experienced the death of your mother yet, but let me tell you, it's a pain that's totally unimaginable until it happens. The whole world seems grey without them. It's as if the whole world has changed. It's a very, very strange feeling when they first go. It's like, "Where'd they go? They can't just have disappeared." It's extremely freaky. I thought I was prepared when my mother died after a long illness, but after she actually passed, I was on a different planet, one I couldn't have imagined seeing beforehand.

After the death, I was on a bus going to the hospital to do some admin, and I saw this old lady, about 85-plus. My mum was 70 when she passed. I looked at this old lady and thought, so wistfully, "Oh, Mum will never be that old." And about six weeks after, a stranger snapped at me, and I cannot tell you how much it hurt. At that stage, you are a giant walking bruise.

Things do normalise, but it takes a long time. Your husband is going to need you badly in the times to come. In my experience, parental death puts a huge strain on a marriage. But like everything, the season passes eventually.

But be prepared for thing to be very difficult for some months. You will probably need to take regular breaks by seeing friends, exercising if you can. And don't forget, however hard it is for you to bear witness to your husband's terrible grief, you will go through the same one day and will need him.

Things you can do:
Take the kids to visit MIL with DH.
Take photos and videos of you all together.
Research online ways to support someone who is grieving
If MIL has cancer, make use of MacMillan support services for family members. They are brilliant.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I’ve tried different ways of saying that and it sounds condescending.

@alicedbr there's no easy thing to say. You clearly didn’t like your MIL and whether she was right or you are right - that’s all irrelevant really. What’s relevant is that your DH has a point! You did deliberately obstruct a relationship developing between MIL and your kids. I don’t know what type of property you live in but it’s clearly too small for you to have distanced yourself by going to a different room, thus allowing MIL and DC time together.

So what could you say? You could say “I’m sorry that MIL passed away. I can see how much pain you’re in. Perhaps if we could have had a larger place, I could have taken myself off to another room when I needed time out. But the things she said, whether because she was emotional, there was a language barrier, or for some completely different reason, were really hurtful to me, made me feel like I was “less than” and caused me to feel hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you by my actions and it hurts me now that this is how things have turned out between us”. What he then says in reply, is his reply and all you can then say is “I’m sorry that things are like this between us right now”.

I do wonder though, if the people reading this thread can see your contempt and dislike for your MIL, can your husband?

And it’s not about apologising for how you were with her, it’s about acknowledging that perhaps you could have made alternative choices and apologising to him for the way things are between the two of you now. And actually, perhaps you do need to apologise for not allowing the DC to have time with MIL, because you took away the opportunity for your MIL to spend time with your DC, by virtue of the fact that you didn’t just remove yourself from the situation but you also removed your DC as well. You could have bought a television for your bedroom and gone upstairs to watch TV, or have a bath, read a book, anything. You didn’t have to spend time talking to MIL but also, you didn’t have to leave your home either.

No, absolutely not being a doormat. Quite the opposite, gently pushing back, letting her know that you see the rudeness, but are choosing not to lower yourself to respond to it.

The comment about having them close together- that’s obviously because MIL has unresolved issues about only having one. So you say “Mums with twins seem to cope, I think we’ll be fine.” Or “Well he’s here now .” or even “MIL, that was a 50:50 decision, DH would be devastated to hear you say that about him.”

MIL is projecting her own insecurities onto OP, so if she could have recognized that, then maybe things could have been different, especially if OP can loop DH back into the answer.

If this was a thread about a rude MIL saying the things she said and asking for advice on what to do, the advice would largely be low contact and the DH is an arsehole for not sticking up for his wife.

If the OP then said I take myself out and try and leave the children with DH and MIL but one is breastfed and cries for me and the other wants me too- she'd likely to be told to put the kids first and not force them to stay behind for the sake of an adult. Isn't it funny how everything changes when someone is dying.

OP I don't think you should accept the full level of hate your DH is throwing at you, yes he's grieving and that's understandable but did he ever get upset before about wanting his children to spend more time with his mum? Or did he moan when the kids cried because they wanted you and let them go to make his life easier?

You can acknowledge his grieving and how he feels but I'd be (kindly) pushing back on how he's speaking to you otherwise he's going to think he's justified and it won't end. It's easier for him to blame you by changing the narrative than allowing himself to feel guilty for not working on the relationship with his mum/the kids

It absolutely is. It’s nothing.

Please don't say as recommended by PPs "It's easier to feel anger than grief, isn't it?"

If someone said that to me I'd feel patronised and a shit load more angry.

think DD has your husband's colourings thank goodness!" and "so lucky they both take after him in terms of height, because it'd be terrible if they were small like [me]".

I'm not sure insulting your DIL's looks to her face while her children are sitting there is normal grandmother behaviour!

In what world is it reasonable to have to hide in your bedroom in your own home to avoid obnoxious visitors?

And actually, why should the OP facilitate her children being exposed to someone who constantly disparages their mother? Don't tell me MiL would hold back in front of the children!

The main culprit is the spineless DH who hasn't stood up for his wife and told his horrible mother to stop it,

Nowhere did I say OP had to spend time with MIL. OP said she couldn't leave her DCs because they would cry. Rather than addressing the separation anxiety (because they would have had to address it for nursery/school) OP used it as an excuse to stop leaving the DCs with her DH and to stop MIL seeing the DCs.

Massive thread and I haven't read all of it but I have read OP's posts.

My main thought is this: @alicedbr, MIL may not have long but she is still here. I am sure much of DH's energies are focused on the practicalities of the situation but in emotional terms his urgent focus needs to be on using the time that they have left to ensure that nothing is left unsaid. A slow decline in a terminal illness can be awful, I know, but it does bring the blessing of time to say goodbye. I don't know if she is lucid or able to receive visitors but if it's at all possible for the children to visit her, to have photos taken, to draw pictures for her to be displayed in her room, maybe to have a mini-Christmas celebration if she is unlikely to make it to the end of December - now is the time. Everything else can wait.

I am not a violent person but if someone said those "useful phrases" at me I might feel a bit violent.

When someone is dying, that is important.

Really makes you wonder what people like you stand to gain from trying to persuade others that abusive MILs are ‘nothing’ and ‘normal’

To a women with two young children, that is currently dealing with a grieving husband about to lose his mother, in a complex family relationship situation, none the less. How poisonous.

A nest of vipers indeed.