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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about never getting married

62 replies

ClassicStripe · 28/11/2023 08:10

I know there are far worse problems in the world but AIBU for being sad that I never got to have a wedding or be married?
I think at the moment the feeling is being compounded by seeking to go through a phase where its transitioned from most my friends being in a relationship but not married to most my friends being married.

OP posts:

Feliciacat · 28/11/2023 08:12

How old are you? I ask this not because age matters but because it’s never too late. People in their 90s get married. If your friends have only recently become married then I guess you are 30 something. So why do you think it will never happen?

Albatrossing · 28/11/2023 08:16

it's totally understandable. I've never been married and did feel sad about it in my early 30s (I had attended maybe 20+ weddings of friends at this point, while single). For me, that sadness completely went by my late 30s and i now don't regret it at all. (there's also still time for you!)

Agix · 28/11/2023 08:16

YANBU. It's something you wanted but didn't get (yet). Nothing wrong with feeling sad about it, if that's how you feel.

Of course, do consider the people who got married and then ended up wishing they never did! Maybe you've had some lucky escapes.

And that there is so much more to life that you probably have enjoyed and will enjoy.

And also never say never. People find love and get married way into pension age and have the time of their lives with their partner.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 28/11/2023 08:16

I think your age is an important factor here. If you're 98 I'd say you're running out of time but you could make it happen with the right volunteer.

ReadySalty · 28/11/2023 08:18

Reassure yourself that marriage isn't all that. More people are unhappily married than happily.

What about throwing a blow out birthday party for yourself?

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/11/2023 08:18

As @Feliciacat says I think there's a period in many women's lives where there is this huge pressure to get married and it feels like everyone is doing it.

What you have to keep in mind is that a large proportion, probably the vast majority, of these people getting married aren't doing so because they've found "the One", they are doing so because they've found someone who they think they can rub along with and it's time to crack on.

Marriage is a decent practical solution if you want to have children but as a source of joy and happiness it is hugely overrated. Only a tiny proportion of marriages bring out the best in people. For most its a source of constant compromise which chips away at people's sense of self. A necessary evil in many cases but a million miles from the romance you see from the outside.

You may get married yourself, you may not. If you don't, the chances are you will emerge in middle age feeling much happier, more confident and more independent than the people you know who did get married.

Chocoswirl · 28/11/2023 08:19

YANBU but personally I find that hanging around mumsnet makes me immensely relieved not to be married! Plenty of silver linings to be found on here!

Catza · 28/11/2023 08:47

Sounds like you are plenty young to get married sill. What do you think your friends gained from the marriage? Would it help to rationalise your feelings a bit? Maybe think about what is it exactly you are missing and being sad about - status, relationship, big party, security...

Shoxfordian · 28/11/2023 08:48

Why do you think that you won't ever get married?

Doggymummar · 28/11/2023 08:49

My partner is 54 and never married, I'm 54;and divorced three times, it takes all sorts.

BMW6 · 28/11/2023 08:51

OP I didn't get married until I was 47 - and many many times I wish I hadn't bothered!

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 28/11/2023 08:57

Look on the bright side; statistically more than a third of your friends will also get divorced! 😂

Daisies12 · 28/11/2023 09:00

Are you in a relationship though? Cos if you are and want to get married you need to make that very clear. And if not - why do you think you might not get married one day?

rainbowboymama · 28/11/2023 11:56

I feel the same; in fact I cried about it to my mum the other day 😩 I am in a long term relationship and we have been engaged for a long time, but I now realise he is not who I want to marry. It’s a difficult situation that I can’t just up and leave. I know I could still get married in the future, but I’ll be no spring chicken, wearing the dress I always dreamed of, and that makes me feel sad 😢

SherbetDips · 28/11/2023 12:01

In my 20’s/early 30’s I was a bit sad I never met any one and now I’m in my late 30’s I love my single life. And I’m making plans to have a baby by myself.

BlueGrey1 · 28/11/2023 12:06

You don’t say your age or if you are in a relationship, also why do you think you will never get married

HolidayBurden · 28/11/2023 12:20

Better to be single than in an unhappy relationship for the sake of a wedding day / marriage 💯

Mamabear48 · 28/11/2023 12:21

There is always time! My Nan was 73 when she got engaged a second time!

AmazingSnakeHead · 28/11/2023 12:25

Yes, I feel exactly the same. Even though the relationship went to fuck I wish I had had a wedding day with Dc's dad. The sense of feeling committed, of belonging to a new family, of having all your loved ones celebrate your romantic life and new family with you.

Although take solace that you're not quite at my maximum pathetic levels, I have a truly stunning (and expensive) wedding dress in the wadrobe that I will never get to wear and that I can't bear to sell or throw.

LittleBlueUnicorn · 28/11/2023 12:27

I feel the same too, not in a relationship so it is too late for me now.

Dillydollydingdong · 28/11/2023 12:28

A friend of mine has never married or had kids and she's filled her life with other enjoyable things - friends, clubs, holidays with family (affordable cause she's got no kids), parties, hobbies etc. A posh white dress and a party just doesn't compete.

Moonlightdust · 28/11/2023 12:31

Sorry you’re feeling sad but I can assure you that the grass is not always greener. Take comfort that you have freedom to do what you like and try to focus on making the most of enjoying life your way.

SnapdragonToadflax · 28/11/2023 12:34

Are you 32, by any chance? Almost all of my friends got married that year and I did feel a bit sad about it, like I was missing a rite of passage (I mainly wanted to try on pretty dresses and have a party tbh!). But 10 years on, I don't think about it at all and have no desire to get married. I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years, a lot longer than many of the marriages. Some of them are divorced now. And I'm very relieved I don't have to go to weddings every other weekend!

strawberrysea · 28/11/2023 12:43

I'm in your situation. I do have a DP, been together for 6 years but not married. However, I am very happily unmarried and not sure I ever plan on it. I will admit that this is because the majority of marriages that my friends are in seem a bit shit and full of resentful compromises so not having an easier escape scares me somewhat (I know that there are many, many happy marriages FTR).

Do you think it's the wedding or the marriage itself you're upset that you don't/didn't have?

Northernladdette · 28/11/2023 12:48

Are you sad you don’t have a life partner or just love the idea of the wedding rather the marriage?

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