To feel sad about never getting married

[ClassicStripe]

I know there are far worse problems in the world but AIBU for being sad that I never got to have a wedding or be married?
I think at the moment the feeling is being compounded by seeking to go through a phase where its transitioned from most my friends being in a relationship but not married to most my friends being married.

Yeah, I just always assumed I would. The only person I we'd enough to marry, married someone else. I'm now in a stalemate situation, waiting for the children to be older, but even IF I met someone I'd marry now, I won't be a beautiful young bride full of hope for the future etc.

OP has kids.

Do you have children, OP?

In my experience, the happiest marriages are the second marriages where people have gone into it with their eyes open and have learnt from past choices (I hesitate to say mistakes). Often those who remarry in late middle age.

If your relationship is otherwise solid, then is one day of being a bride really worth splitting over? What if you meet someone else and have your big day just to end up in a miserable relationship that isn't working? Yes, I am not big on weddings because this is one day out of the rest of your life. It's the other things that matter.
If your relationship is not working, then sure, break it off. But maybe you need to be honest with yourself and think why you want to do it (and I doubt it is because you are eager to spend 20k+ on a party). Wanting to be a bride feels like a red herring tbh.

OP do you work? Who brings in most of the money in the household? If you work then marriage is not necessarily a good idea and in fact may be quite a bad idea if you have significant assets.

If you don’t work then you’re very vulnerable not being married. And if you don’t work and he’s refusing to marry you then frankly he’s pretty abusive.

Marriage is about money. Work out who stands to benefit from it before you work out what you want to do.

@Thepeopleversuswork I think you sum marriage up beautifully. You are right - it rarely brings out the best in people.

Compromise certainly takes the shine off things.

I agree that women face enormous pressure to be married ( even if they’re not conscious of it, or would deny they are yielding to the pressure). I read something about the fact there should be a coming of age ceremony for women - this would probably take away a lot of the desire for marriage.

i hear you OP, I’m also sad I’ve never been married and I’m a lot older than you.

When I was a teenager, I hated my surname and wanted to change it as soon as I reached 18. I didn’t, but told myself “I’m 18, in a couple of years I’ll be married so my surname will change then.”

In my 20s, I was desperate to get married, and thought that a woman getting married for the first time in her 30s was a bit sad. (Don’t worry, I get my comeuppance later in the story).

Then when I reached my 30s, still not married, I thought I absolutely “had” to get married soon, as a woman getting married for the first time in her 40s was tragic.

Repeat for each decade. I’m now 51, not married, never been engaged, never been proposed to. It makes me sad. It’s not about “the wedding” ( although I would like to wear a pretty frock ) it’s about wanting someone to love me enough that they want to marry me.

And I’m STILL stuck with the surname I hated as a teen! Should have changed it by deed poll when I was 18.

I'm the same age as you and have never been married, my ex (father of my kids, 8 year relationship) tried to string me along with promises of it happening then moving the goal posts or blaming some short coming of mine for it not happening until I left him, he then proposed. I was 30 when I left and I have no regrets. I'm now in a really wonderful happy and healthy relationship but he has been married before and doesnt want to get married again at least not for the foreseeable future which I understand. I would like to get married, have that memory and that wonderful celebration with my family, my father is 70 so if i do ever get married (presuming this relationship keeps going as well as it is) he likely wont be here to walk me down the isle which makes me very sad, its made worse because my sister is about to get married. I also think the way my ex used it as a weapon had made me feel like I needed to do it to prove somone can love me enough to marry me too but I'm working through that. You need to assess why you feel the way you do and if what you have already is enough for you/makes you happy. Then you will be able to figure out what is best for you. For me being in a happy relationship with somone who I love so dearly who means the world to me is more important then a wedding day but I think its still OK to be sad that I might never get that.

You do for financial protection.

OP I would insist a marriage cert for this reason.

A wedding you can’t insist on, but I would question why your partner won’t marry you if it’s so important to you? I wouldn’t be keen on being with someone like that.

You are only young OP - you speak as though you are much older when you say that you 'never got to have a wedding or be married'!

I was desperate to be married at your age too, got married but am now divorced. Sigh.

A good friend of mine only got married a couple of years ago at the age of 60.

She and her partner had been together since college and decided to finally get married for financial and future-proofing reasons. They had one of the nicest weddings I have ever been to.
Some of their dearest friends and their adult children made speeches. It was really lovely and sort of meant more because it was like a celebration of a long relationship.

So never say never! And certainly not at 32...

You say splitting up our family. So you have dcs with your DP?

Mn may not be big on weddings but it is legally and financially unwise to not marry your DP unless you outearn him. So I would say not big on weddings but big on marriage.

Unfortunately, your options are now more limited if you already have dcs with your DP.