To feel sad about never getting married

[ClassicStripe]

I know there are far worse problems in the world but AIBU for being sad that I never got to have a wedding or be married?
I think at the moment the feeling is being compounded by seeking to go through a phase where its transitioned from most my friends being in a relationship but not married to most my friends being married.

Sorry life got in the way today!
I'm nearly 33. Been with DP for 12 years. He always had a reason why we couldn't get married which I believed at the time but now can just see were a series of excuses. I don't want to marry him as clearly he doesn't want to marry me. If I broke up with him I think I would look outrageous splitting our family apart for that reason. Then what if I never met somebody else.
I know that MN isn't big on weddings but I did want to be a bride as silly as that sounds.

I'm 37 and feel sad that I never got married. My partner is 41 and divorced. He doesn't want to get married again. We live together and have 2 beautiful children together. You don't need a piece of paper for commitment ❤️

I thought you sounded about 35ish if most of your friends were getting married now. But you're only 32 - that's really young! Why wouldn't you meet someone else? You're with someone who clearly doesn't want the same things, and tbh you don't sound like you even love each other. You don't have to settle for a relationship of convenience. You have plenty time to meet someone, get married and have kids.

do you have DC? Do you want any? At 32, the sky is the limit!

Aha! You are 32, just like I suspected 😂

Are you happy in your relationship? I've always known my partner didn't want to get married, due to family reasons. I made my peace with that when I was about 25. We have wills and power of attorney and our pensions will go to each other, it's as sorted as it can be. If you don't have all that you need to get it and protect yourself.

But if getting married is absolutely vital to your happiness, this isn't the relationship for you.

I think it’s important to allow to yourself to feel this way. We can’t always just ignore feelings and hope they will go away.

I went through a period of being sad about never getting married, going to weddings and being happy for the couple but a bit sad for myself. Marriage is clearly important to you and I do think when a man makes excuses about not wanting marriage right now I do wonder if he is truly committed to the relationship.

I agree with you now not wanting to marry him because a marriage should be entered into by two people fully on board with it and committed to each other. Your younger then me by a few years and I can honestly say my life changed massively for the better since I was 33. Life has a way of surprising you.

I did have a wedding day, and a reasonably happy marriage (still together and I can attest to the fact that it's not an easy option, nor the route to a happy life).

But my wedding day was almost entirely orchestrated by my Mum, and I always felt I didn't have the wedding day I wanted. So I did it for my 40th - not a wedding, but a party with almost as much attention to detail, all planned and organised by me. I highly recommend you:

1. Have a big party to celebrate something: birthday; relationship anniversary; housewarming; life in general.
2. Plan it four months in advance, with posh card invitations, food and drink paid for, a venue, a band etc.
3. Have speeches during the evening, where you say nice things about your friends / others say nice things about you.
4. Wear an amazing dress - spoil yourself with a professional hairdresser and make-up too.

I guarantee you'll have a lovely time, and that it will tick most of the boxes you think you've missed out on.

I've never been married, OP. Engaged, yes, but I called it off. And I've lived with someone for several years.

I'm older than you, and I'm currently watching my friends get divorced, fight over houses and pensions, be financially abused or just desperately unhappy.

From where I'm sitting, my choice doesn't seem so bad. Our (me & ds) home is secure and peaceful, happy, no walking on eggshells. My retirement is planned as far as that is possible.

YANBU but be careful what you wish for.

You’re 32. You can meet a new bloke if your boyfriend isn’t excellent. What family would you be breaking up, do you and the boyfriend have a kid?

You have known for quite a while though that there was a high possibility that this man would probably never marry you, so you really knew the deal, if it was something that you definitely wanted you should have left him years ago, at this stage you just need to accept that it is the way it is and in life you can’t get everything you want in life. If you are happy with him otherwise that is?

I had been with DP for 13 years before we got married. I was 37. We weren't going to get married (although I wanted to) but when our 2nd DC was 5, we decided it would be easier to get married than sort out the wills(!) so we did a low key registry office job and have been married almost 9 years now. You're only 32, it could easily still happen with your DP as things do change or there's more than enough time to meet and may someone else if that's what you really want.

I never wanted a wedding though, not sure I could have swung that!

Have you noticed how most problems are caused by men? You don’t need that in your life. You deserve so much better.

No, but you need that "piece of paper" to protect you legally.

(I see you do have kids) You haven’t sacrificed your pension for this man, have you? Hopefully you’ve stayed in full time employment and he is a fully involved, equal parent and functional adult.

It is reasonable I think to feel the way you do given you have been in a relationship for over a decade.

Don’t settle. You will end up resentful. You are better off alone at worst but have a very decent chance finding someone new.

Independence is a thousand times better.

Would marriage be the only reason for breaking up?
Do you otherwise have an amazing relationship and feel loved and appreciated?

You're only 33! Tell your DP that you're getting married and start planning, if you don't want to marry him or he you, then move on because you don't love each other enough.
You only get one life, don't end up with regrets that can be fixed.

Its different for all groups.

Most of DH friends are married, only 1 is not and only 1 divorced.

In my group of friends only 3 others have married and 2 of them are divorced.

All of us are approx. 40 year old.

The types of weddings are completely different too, stately homes and castles for DH friends and registry office and WMC for mine.

ALL my friends have children and most are teenagers now, less than half of DH do and those that do have toddlers and newborns.

Just different areas/cultures/classes etc... there no right or wrong way to do life though.

We got married five years ago after 35 years together. Out of all of the couples we know contemporary in age to us all but two of them have split up. One of the ones who had split joked that maybe they should have waited 30 years before getting married.
There is no right time. I remember feeling a bit wobbly when a spate of weddings coincided with us going through a rough patch, but our journey got us there in the end. And you don't need a wedding as an excuse to throw a party!

No amount of telling you that you're young and have time etc etc will help.....BUT IT'S TRUE!

You gotta ditch the guy and spread your wings.

Fortune favours the brave and all that.

I didn't get my guy until 32 - now we're married and have 2 kids - I'm 36!

I think you need to really understand "what" it is that you're sad about...
is it
having a wedding
being married

if it's sadness about having a wedding, and you strive to have a wedding, with friends and family around you while youre a princess for a day, this is very different to wanting to be married and have the connection to another day in day out through your life...

both these things are very drastically different things, and you can't make you feel better unless you know which bit you're yearning.

If you want to be married, but not to him, you really have to think about if he is the right person for you and whether you are just going along with it because you are scared to be single (I don’t mean this in a horrible way, it is scary, but it might be the best thing to meet someone who’s right for you).

do you have children together? I think at 32 you have plenty of time to find someone else and to have a family if that’s what you want.