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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

On my Own but Want a Baby

61 replies

Midlifecrisisat38 · 27/11/2023 13:00

I posted my first post a couple of months ago about accidentally getting pregnant. I've never been sure about having a child but have spent most of my adult life thinking it would be a bad idea.

I'm single, 38 and panicked when a month after my birthday I got pregnant from a FWB type situation.

But although I'm single, I am in a fortunate financial position. I own my home outright, albeit it is in a poor disadvantaged area and I also let a flat which I own outright, too. I don't make a huge amount of profit from this but it is a smallish income.

I don't have any family apart from my mum who is 75 in January. She says she'll help me further financially by giving me a grand a month.

Problem is although I am financially comfortable now, I'm worried if I have a baby that will go out the window. I am self employed at the moment but my job is not compatiable with a baby.

I love my mum to bits for saying what she has done but I really would like to support myself as much as I possibly can. I also have 50K in premium bonds with added savings that exceed over 100K.

I know that's a hell of a lot of money to some but as soon as have a baby I would have to give up my self employed job to some extent. I would have to live off my savings for a while and the money my mum gives me so kindly.

I just thought I would post on here as for the past 7 months this is all I've thought about. The guy in question is 50 next year and already has 2 kids with his ex wife. He freaked out at first and that put a massive strain on me as he is a neighbour of mine and I see him in passing all the time. I just didn't know what to do for the best. He now says that he'll give me another baby if that's what I want. I just don't see it happening with him though as we rarely have full sex and didn't when I got pregnant. It was more like a dry hump! He's a heavy smoker/drinker and it was unlikely I got pregnant in the first place.

I am also worried I won't be able to get pregnant again, either, if that's what I decide. Not just by him but with anyone else. I'm thinking a donor if not him.

AIBU to think I could make this work and I wouldn't struggle? I am in a really good position financially on my own but am so worried things would drastically go downhill with a child. And is it really fair on the child to do it all without a man? I think I'm being slightly selfish here.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 27/11/2023 13:02

You have no housing costs, rental income from a flat and £1000 a month from your mum.

You could make that work by paying for child care so you can work.

JellyIegs · 27/11/2023 13:08

Reading most of the other posts on AIBU would suggest you’re better off going alone than with a man! I’m sure it’s a scary prospect to have to stop working but you have a very healthy amount in savings and don’t have rent or a mortgage 🤔 sounds as though financially you would be fine. The payment from your mum could help with childcare for you to start working again if you wanted?

I’m not sure about 50yo smoker/drinker as a father or sperm donor, though.

ScarboroughHair · 27/11/2023 13:13

Financially you don't need to worry, it's perfectly doable.

I'd be tempted to go down the sperm donor/ivf route in your case though. Why tie yourself to baggage?

There's a good FB support group, Solo Mothers By Choice. Lots of women in all sorts of circumstances going down the same route.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/11/2023 13:20

I'm not sure what your situation is - are you still pregnant? What do you mean the father will have a baby with you later? Bottom line is you're 38 and single, financially solvent and want a baby so if you're pregnant then keep it!

Jellycats4life · 27/11/2023 13:25

So you have two mortgage free properties, one which gives you a rental income. Presumably quite minimal outgoings in terms of bills. £100k in savings and £1k a month promised by your mum…

What on earth makes you think you’re in a shaky financial position?

MrsPinkL · 27/11/2023 13:27

Sorry it’s not clear from your post what happened to the pregnancy from the FWB? Did you have an abortion, mis carry, keep the baby or what? If you aborted that pregnancy what has realistically changed in a matter of months for you now to be convinced you need a baby in your life?

Money wise you will be ok, people have children with much less money and cope because you have too. However I do question the mentality of a 38 year old grown arsed woman that is shagging ( no sorry dry humping ) the 50 year old neighbour for a baby, like WTF

IF you really believe you want a child, for the love of god go to a proper clinic for a donor. Do not have unprotected sex with a stranger even if they are a neighbour in the hope of a pregnancy

Do I think it’s a good idea from this post? Absolutely not

squirrelnutkin10 · 27/11/2023 13:40

Financially it is doable. You could also train in another flexible business whilst pregnant to future proof your income.
Think proofreading/bookeeping or anything else you can do evenings/ nap times etc...l ran a property investment business with two under two, and a DH who worked away for months at a time,, it just takes organisation, discipline and motivation, which, as you are already self employed you will have plenty off.

I have also always been self employed and my advice is to treat your new life as a business, in that you have to organise your home life to work for you, adapt, have flexible income streams, and scheduled timings in the day for baby and for work, back ups for emergencies... you get the drift.

Good luck!

Changeychang · 27/11/2023 13:49

In the donor versus man who doesn't seem fully interested debate, you might want to look at the genetic risks associated with increased paternal age.

VestaTilley · 27/11/2023 14:24

You would be very selfish to have a child in these circumstances. Is the man a good father to his existing children? Is he a safe person to be around? It’s one thing if you have a partner and he leaves, another to deliberately create a child with an absent Dad - I don’t think it’s fair.

And having a baby is relentless. Exhausting. Hard sheer graft. I wouldn’t go in to it lightly, and never alone unless you don’t have a choice.

VestaTilley · 27/11/2023 14:24

You would be very selfish to have a child in these circumstances. Is the man a good father to his existing children? Is he a safe person to be around? It’s one thing if you have a partner and he leaves, another to deliberately create a child with an absent Dad - I don’t think it’s fair.

And having a baby is relentless. Exhausting. Hard sheer graft. I wouldn’t go in to it lightly, and never alone unless you don’t have a choice.

Zamzamzamdeedah · 27/11/2023 14:28

Is your financial worry more about restarting the business back to sustainable salary level after break with a child? Can it be amended to suit yet provide?

MPSH · 27/11/2023 14:29

There’s no reason why not if it’s what you want

DuploTrain · 27/11/2023 14:30

If you decide to have a baby I think donated sperm would be much better than this man. Why saddle a potential child with someone you know will be a rubbish dad. And cause you hassle.

Also at your age (no offence) you need the best quality sperm possible… 50 year old heavy drinking/smoking sperm is going to give you a much higher risk of not having a healthy baby.

WillowCraft · 27/11/2023 14:32

This sounds like a really irresponsible, selfish thing to do. Financially you would manage but think of the poor child with no father or a father who doesn't want him.

KingsleyBorder · 27/11/2023 14:33

You’re not making sense, did you have a miscarriage or a termination?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/11/2023 14:37

WillowCraft · 27/11/2023 14:32

This sounds like a really irresponsible, selfish thing to do. Financially you would manage but think of the poor child with no father or a father who doesn't want him.

That's really judgmental. It's not irresponsible if she's thought out how she could support a child. It's unclear if she's still pregnant now and if so how far along or if she's considering another pregnancy?

I agree with pp that if you're not pregnant now it's better to get a donor sperm than someone who doesn't want the child - will make the child feel more wanted. But if you're still pregnant and want to go ahead do so - you can spend your savings on help like a maternity night nurse for first few weeks and then use a childminder to help you work when you need to go back to your self employment. You'll be absolutely fine you can buy your village!

pontipinemum · 27/11/2023 14:37

I'm not really sure what is going on here? Are you pregnant now?

If you are it sounds like you can raise the baby alone.

mugofstew · 27/11/2023 14:41

This doesn't sound like a sensible idea OP, your current choice of father sounds terrible.
If you really want a baby, make sure you are set financially at least for the medium term and then choose a decent sperm donor as a minimum.

EyeInTheSky23 · 27/11/2023 14:53

Also at your age (no offence) you need the best quality sperm possible… 50 year old heavy drinking/smoking sperm is going to give you a much higher risk of not having a healthy baby

This.

Fertility clinics don't usually take donor sperm off men older than 39.

At 38 your best bet for a healthy pregnancy and child is not a half century old smoker.

He'll also be subjecting your kid to smoky hands, clothes, breathe etc. while handling them.

Tbh you're also selling yourself short doing fwb with a 50 yr old man; as a 38 yr old woman who's got assets, a good job and is independent.

EyeInTheSky23 · 27/11/2023 14:55

KingsleyBorder · 27/11/2023 14:33

You’re not making sense, did you have a miscarriage or a termination?

She is making sense if she has had either.

She's said he now says he's willing to try to get her pregnant again ..... Which would heavily suggest she is no longer pregnant. It's up to her if she wants specify how or not.

KingsleyBorder · 27/11/2023 15:07

EyeInTheSky23 · 27/11/2023 14:55

She is making sense if she has had either.

She's said he now says he's willing to try to get her pregnant again ..... Which would heavily suggest she is no longer pregnant. It's up to her if she wants specify how or not.

Show quote history

I didn’t mean she had to clarify HOW the pregnancy ended in order to make sense, I meant that the post made no sense u less it was clear whether or not she was still pregnant, the question was “have you had one of these or are you still pregnant”?

Original poster
Midlifecrisisat38 · 27/11/2023 15:10

Thank you for your comments. I had a medical abortion just short of 10 weeks which is the cut off point. I just couldn't decide what to do.

Most days I regret having the abortion. But people are right when they say sperm donation is the better bet. That's what I think given the circumstances if I was going to try again. I know the risks with older fathers. His 2 young children are healthy though. They're 6 and 8. It's the emotional attachment I have with him that throws a spanner into the works. If I had a sperm donor I wouldn't have a clue who the father was and how is that fair to the child as well?

I guess in a perfect world, I want a child within a relationship. But I am well aware time is not on my side. That's the biggest problem I have (I think).

OP posts:
KingsleyBorder · 27/11/2023 15:17

Sorry to hear that you made such a hard decision.
If you research sperm donation online you’ll see that it is no longer anonymous so it’s not a case of the child never having a clue who their father is. They can’t trace till 18 though.

IVFbeenverylucky · 27/11/2023 15:22

What's the guy got to do with it? You can't decide whether to have a baby, although as you had a termination recently when you didn't expect to get pregnant that suggests maybe you don't?
FWIW I've got 3 DC via donor sperm as a single mum by choice, so I'm obviously not anti that route, but, if I'd got pregnant a few months earlier by someone who could have been a Dad I wouldn't have terminated as I'd have wanted the baby.
I don't understand you.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2023 15:23

You would have to be mad to have a baby with that man. Why would you? If you want a baby, use a sperm bank. Don't complicate your life by chaining yourself to some man you don't even want as a partner.