On my Own but Want a Baby

[Midlifecrisisat38]

I posted my first post a couple of months ago about accidentally getting pregnant. I've never been sure about having a child but have spent most of my adult life thinking it would be a bad idea.

I'm single, 38 and panicked when a month after my birthday I got pregnant from a FWB type situation.

But although I'm single, I am in a fortunate financial position. I own my home outright, albeit it is in a poor disadvantaged area and I also let a flat which I own outright, too. I don't make a huge amount of profit from this but it is a smallish income.

I don't have any family apart from my mum who is 75 in January. She says she'll help me further financially by giving me a grand a month.

Problem is although I am financially comfortable now, I'm worried if I have a baby that will go out the window. I am self employed at the moment but my job is not compatiable with a baby.

I love my mum to bits for saying what she has done but I really would like to support myself as much as I possibly can. I also have 50K in premium bonds with added savings that exceed over 100K.

I know that's a hell of a lot of money to some but as soon as have a baby I would have to give up my self employed job to some extent. I would have to live off my savings for a while and the money my mum gives me so kindly.

I just thought I would post on here as for the past 7 months this is all I've thought about. The guy in question is 50 next year and already has 2 kids with his ex wife. He freaked out at first and that put a massive strain on me as he is a neighbour of mine and I see him in passing all the time. I just didn't know what to do for the best. He now says that he'll give me another baby if that's what I want. I just don't see it happening with him though as we rarely have full sex and didn't when I got pregnant. It was more like a dry hump! He's a heavy smoker/drinker and it was unlikely I got pregnant in the first place.

I am also worried I won't be able to get pregnant again, either, if that's what I decide. Not just by him but with anyone else. I'm thinking a donor if not him.

AIBU to think I could make this work and I wouldn't struggle? I am in a really good position financially on my own but am so worried things would drastically go downhill with a child. And is it really fair on the child to do it all without a man? I think I'm being slightly selfish here.

It was clear.

She wouldn't have mentioned him saying he was willing to try to make her pregnant again, if she was still pregnant.

I read that as her potentially planning to have more than one child. A lot of people on here are very hung up on “having kids” and think it’s cruel to have an only child.

His 2 young children are healthy though. They're 6 and 8.

Well that was 6+ years ago.

He doesn't sound like a great character if he has two kids under 10 and is already broken up with their Mum, and is a drinker and smoker.

I'd put all your energy into finding a partner, Hooking up with a 50 yr old neighbour is a waste of your emotional and physical energy. How long have you been shagging him? You could have met someone during that time. Dont make the mistake of continuing that (wasting your time).

@Midlifecrisisat38
Well, you can do it!!! But go down the donor route as this man sounds awful!!
You have enough money saved, well done and you can still work if you have a bit of time off then you could get a nanny rather than nursery. You can do this!!!
Good luck x

Fair points. I should add that it was his ex that left him, not the other way round. He wants to see his kids all the time and did until recently when she put a stop to that. He is now fighting for access in court. This is what hurts me the most, I think. The fact he wanted sole custody of them just to say that he didn't want our child. Coincidentally, she stopped him seeing his kids when I told him I was pregnant. She doesn't know about me though, so it had nothing to do with that.

Yes, this is part of my worry.

If your mum has to bail you out by that much a month - surely you can’t afford a baby?! 🤷‍♀️

If I had 100K in savings, I would not feel comfortable accepting 12K a year from my elderly mother.

I'd also be wary of "deprivation of assets" if your mother were to need care home funding in the future.

If it was considered she was deliberately giving away that amount per year in order to reduce her total assets when being assessed for funding, that money could potentially be considered as though it were still part of her estate. (The "7 year rule" does not apply to council funding of care homes - it applies to inheritance tax rules.)

If you do decide you want another baby, I'd be looking for a healthier, younger donor.

I should add that it was his ex that left him, not the other way round

Why?

I'll be honest, I don't know many women who leave decent men at all, least of all when they have two young kids with them; it's generally the opposite (they don't leave when they should).

He was a decade older than average settling and having kids too.

And is it really fair on the child to do it all without a man?

Course it is, so long as the child is wanted. Much better to plan a child using donor sperm than with your neighbour.

You seem confused about how sperm donation works. It’s anonymous from the recipient parent’s point of view in that you don’t know the name/personally identifiable information of the donor, but there is a lot of information available depending on which sperm bank you use. Some provide photos of the donor as a child. All have health info. When the child is 18 they have the right to identifiable information, so they can contact the donor if they want to. Donors know that they’re likely to be contacted in the future.

Creating a family via sperm donation as a single woman is a wonderful thing - I know, I’m currently pregnant with my second. But I think you have to cut your ties with the man you don’t even want around before you can seriously consider this route to parenthood.

Start sorting yourself out and making plans for this baby! As you said you’re 38. Look into sperm donor banks near you.

Sorry, I posted without taking all this in properly; that is a messy, contentious, extremely negative situation and - again - IME it is very unusual for women to prevent their kids Dad from seeing them without reason.

I'd be interested to know what has gone on there, and is going on there.

You've only heard his account.

I'm sure she's a crazy, unstable, vengeful bitch 🙄

The vast vast majority of women would not want to deny their kids a relationship with their Dad. The vast majority of women would be very grateful indeed for a break from solo parenting, and to have the other parent pull their weight.

Something is going on there.
(Especially because he had access/her agreement... But now he doesn't).

It will take at least a year to get pregnant and then have hte baby so you have a year to save up and prep your business so that you can still make some money. If you have a spare room could you take in a lodger in the meantime and save that?
The £1000 a month will cover childcare for at least 3-4 days a week and babys don't cost much else - so much can be bought cheap second hand and your friends will probably organize you a baby shower too

I am also worried I won't be able to get pregnant again, either, if that's what I decide. Not just by him but with anyone else.

If you can pregnant by a smoking, drinking, 50 yr old - it seems like you have decent fertility (!)

He's a heavy smoker/drinker

I'm wondering if the latter has anything to do with the current child access/residence issues.

You want ! Maybe the baby will grow up and want a father, Grandfather and other family members but who cares about that, after all it is what you want.

Can you not sell the flat (if it doesn't generate good rental income) and use that money, or the savings? At least you don't have a mortgage to pay.

This is also a reducing problem, as the child goes to nursery, then school til 2, then school til 3. After school clubs and breakfast clubs are generally quite cheap.

There are some very good books available about bringing a child into the world as a solo parent. I read Single Mothers By Choice and one other (can’t remember the title but Amazon has loads). There is also a donor conception board on here which was very helpful and you can talk to other women in a similar situation.

I think it's really wrong to deliberately bring a child into the world without two parents.

Women have babies on their own with a hell of a lot less than you have and they manage so I don't see why you couldn't. As a pp said, you could afford childcare easily so you could still work

I think my opinion is probably unpopular, but I will say it anyways.

I would not go down the sole parenting through ivf-route. It sounds like you don't have a lot of family, only mum who's 75?

The baby and toddler years are extremely hard on your own even if you're financially Ok. You will not get a break. And its hard.

The other thing that would keep me up at night is the thought if something happened to me, there would be no one else to look after my child and they'd end up orphaned and in care.

Third thing..childs personal identity. Maybe someone who's been through this can enlighten me what it's like not knowing where your genes came from. I know a few people who lost a parent too young to remember them, and these grown adults are like lost ships sometimes, without a base. Not something i would voluntarily choose.

Babies grown up into children and teens and adults. They question you, your choices and things can get really rocky at times. I am divorced from an abusive relationship but even that choice gets very challenged by my dc when they are having a bad day.

Why? 🙄

This post is all a bit bonkers- is it real?
You are in an extremely fortunate position and no idea why you are worried about that? Just take some mat leave (self employment allowance) and then go back to work afterwards, using childcare , like most women. You also have no housing costs a rental income and 1k a month from your mother!!!

Also how on earth do you get pregnant from “dry humping” someone??

Bottom line is : if you want a baby you can afford it better than most , and you should absolutely go for it. At 38 I wouldn’t hang about.
if a baby will make you happy then get on with it.