On my Own but Want a Baby

[Midlifecrisisat38]

I posted my first post a couple of months ago about accidentally getting pregnant. I've never been sure about having a child but have spent most of my adult life thinking it would be a bad idea.

I'm single, 38 and panicked when a month after my birthday I got pregnant from a FWB type situation.

But although I'm single, I am in a fortunate financial position. I own my home outright, albeit it is in a poor disadvantaged area and I also let a flat which I own outright, too. I don't make a huge amount of profit from this but it is a smallish income.

I don't have any family apart from my mum who is 75 in January. She says she'll help me further financially by giving me a grand a month.

Problem is although I am financially comfortable now, I'm worried if I have a baby that will go out the window. I am self employed at the moment but my job is not compatiable with a baby.

I love my mum to bits for saying what she has done but I really would like to support myself as much as I possibly can. I also have 50K in premium bonds with added savings that exceed over 100K.

I know that's a hell of a lot of money to some but as soon as have a baby I would have to give up my self employed job to some extent. I would have to live off my savings for a while and the money my mum gives me so kindly.

I just thought I would post on here as for the past 7 months this is all I've thought about. The guy in question is 50 next year and already has 2 kids with his ex wife. He freaked out at first and that put a massive strain on me as he is a neighbour of mine and I see him in passing all the time. I just didn't know what to do for the best. He now says that he'll give me another baby if that's what I want. I just don't see it happening with him though as we rarely have full sex and didn't when I got pregnant. It was more like a dry hump! He's a heavy smoker/drinker and it was unlikely I got pregnant in the first place.

I am also worried I won't be able to get pregnant again, either, if that's what I decide. Not just by him but with anyone else. I'm thinking a donor if not him.

AIBU to think I could make this work and I wouldn't struggle? I am in a really good position financially on my own but am so worried things would drastically go downhill with a child. And is it really fair on the child to do it all without a man? I think I'm being slightly selfish here.

🙄

I think it's most likely to do with his drinking. However, she is one of 6 and all her siblings have different fathers. I'm not sure if they know them or not. It certainly wasn't a case of sperm donation! He's always said in her family the fathers don't matter. I'm not sure how true that is though. She seems to have done all right through him though. He used his savings to help her retrain in another career. Then she left him.

I first asked him out nearly 3 years ago but the intimacy didn't start properly until the beginning of this year. He's a relationship person on the whole, but says he doesn't want a full blown committed relationship because his head is still so screwed from his marriage ending. I don't think he's ever been in a FWB situation before me, whereas I've had a few, so I know this current thing is too emotional to be a strict FWB, that's why I find it so difficult to break free. It is very messy, I agree there.

She seems to have done all right through him though. He used his savings to help her retrain in another career. Then she left him

With respect, you're only hearing his side.

He's making himself out to be the victim "she used me to retrain and then left" .... Well, it was his decision whether to use his savings in that manner, he chose to do that. Whether they ever broke up afterwards was by the by. Was she supposed to stay with him regardless of anything else eg his behaviour; just because he gave her some money for retraining. She's the mother of his kids anyway. Surely he wouldn't regret anything that led to a better financial situation for them.

You've said he's a heavy drinker.

People don't usually become heavy drinkers all of a sudden in their late 40s.

Then there's the "fathers don't matter" comment about her family; well he had access to his kids via her until recently; now he doesn't, so clearly that maxim didn't matter until recently; what changed?

I think you're getting propaganda.

He's being depicted as the victim and her as a user; I doubt it's as simple as that.

He was certainly not a big decent softie when you fell pregnant, was he? Otherwise you probably wouldn't have had the termination, by the sounds of it.

Is that being portrayed by him as the result of him being all traumatized by his relationship etc too?

A heavy drinking and smoking 49 yr old with young kids, didnt settle til quite late, a relationship with their Mum that didnt last long, a court battle underway because she suddenly denied him contact, and who told his fwb to get a termination when she fell pregnant (even though he must've known she was inclined to continue the pregnancy) ... Is unlikely to be a 100% victim here.

I first asked him out nearly 3 years ago but the intimacy didn't start properly until the beginning of this year.

Were you seeing other people in the three years?

Were you making a really concerted effort, outside of covid, to meet a partner?

This strikes me as lack of options on your part, so you've fixated on him. (Also his unavailability has probably made you fixate on him).

He's hardly a good "deal", you're selling yourself short. He's a decade older, he's divorced/has a failed relationship with the mother of his kids, two kids to provide for for 18 plus years (cm doesn't touch the sides of the money needed to raise kids, esp I'd they go to uni, travel, want help with house deposits, cars etc)., he's currently involved legal proceedings over access to them, heavy smoker and drinker.
He's pretty washed up.

You're a decade younger, own two properties, ars self employed, have considerable savings, no kids yet ...... Surely if you really go at it, you could meet someone more suitable. Would a change of location help? Can you do that with your work?

If you fell pregnant while not even really trying with a nearly 50 yr old, one would imagine you have a decent chance with a man closer to your own age, especially while tracking your cycle etc.

Either that or the donor route.

I know this current thing is too emotional to be a strict FWB

You have not been emotionally free and motivated to find a partner while caught up in feelings for him.

And where has it gone ... You felt pressured to have a termination at 38 when you fell pregnant, even though you want kids. Now he's saying, after the termination (how convenient) that he might be up for trying to impregnate you again. Even if he is, is he a good candidate. He's washed up.

You can uncatch feelings and catch them for someone else, If you give yourself the time and opportunity. Since reading you asked him out and knowing he's been Mr. unavailable to some degree due to his history & issues; I'd say you're caught up in trying to catch him/get what you consider success with him too.
But youre giving him false value. He's not worth chasing or catching. All you'd be getting is an older alco (who cant fuck properly incidentally) and has to provide for two human beings before he even gets to providing for any kids with you.

You need to stop shagging him. (How you'd shag him again after he pushed you to have a termination you didn't really want, I don't know anyway). The oxytocin from shagging is a killer. You need to go nc or low contact and really see what's out there.

At this age time is of the essence.

I think you're very accurate with what you say here. Yes, I did date other people during that time. Not loads, but I was online dating for a bit and met people in real life, too.

But nothing worked out and he was always there in the background. Messaging me, sending chocolates and flowers etc. He was the only consistency, despite blowing hot and cold.

I was just fed up of going out with other people and getting nowhere. It just felt like a complete and utter waste of time. It was only FWB for me with him this year until I got pregnant. Now I seem to have this weird, fucked up trauma bond with him. Strangely, we've definitely become closer since what happened happened.

I'm almost certain though had I still been pregnant he wouldn't be like this with me now. Like you say, it's very easy for him to say what he's said, knowing the threat to his peace has now gone.

I had counselling for a while but that didn't help.

In terms of his drinking, ime, they usually paint themselves as the victim and struggle to take responsibility for anything. When I was pregnant, his attitude was: Well, it's your problem, deal with it however you want, but it's nothing to do with me.

He didn't say all of that but basically that's what he meant. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that. That hurt so much. A classic example of not taking any responsibility at all.

You're wasting yourself, and your time, on him.

I can imagine people could bond through an experience like you had, but I wouldn't call it a healthy bond. Maybe it's a type of trauma bond.
Your description of his attitude is horrible, it does not reflect well on him, understatement.

I know trying to meet someone is not easy but it's a numbers game. It's a marathon, not a sprint. (Though of course it's possible to meet someone quickly)
It does require the hide of a rhino, a dark sense of humour, stoicism and indefatigability, extremely strong self esteem etc.

(Just to add, old is not the only or best way to meet someone, because it has a high population of cheaters, players, flakes etc.).

I've seen blokes at tennis lessons, bouldering/climbing walls/IT courses, sailing (theory like Competent Crew) courses, running clubs, people say hiking (not in my region, it's all middle aged ppl, but maybe elsewhere), kayaking clubs, sketching clubs, maybe language lessons (?), my friend met her partner at a Meetup. There is no point in going to stuff where there are mostly women and where you don't have repeated contact (that's why sports or courses are good). You might connect with someone without repeated contact, but it's harder.

While I say don't go to women dominated hobbies; it's still worth considering that the wider and more varied/ever changing your social circle and socializing, the more chance you have of meeting a partner.

By all means, keep humping alco (!) as a backup sperm donor option, alongside a clinic - if it helps you deal with the situation, but that's all. I honestly think you need to put him to the side/on the back burner and put huge effort and focus into meeting someone else before you consider falling back on donor options.

In terms of his drinking, ime, they usually paint themselves as the victim and struggle to take responsibility for anything

I couldn't agree more.

I'm suspicious about what's happened in his marriage/partnership and now with the child access.

It's easier for him to claim she's a user than to take responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship.

(interesting user who saddled herself with two kids; if I wanted to use someone for retraining money and then leave them; I doubt I'd be leaving myself with two of their children as a single mother, I'd probably tell them I'd wait til I was retrained and established before we tried for kids).

(And he appears to have given no explanation for why she's stopped him from seeing the kids, after going along with him seeing them for quite some time (?). Her being from a family of single mother's who discard their kids' fathers doesn't explain why she's doing it now, after how long?)

You'd also be in the middle of this mess if you ever had a child with him. Even if you didn't have a relationship, your child would still be half siblings with kids whose parents are slugging it out over access/residence, with no doubt a great deal of animosity & conflict ongoing. Plus they'd have a drinker for a bio Dad. It's Def worth trying to find a better candidate.

Thank you @EyeInTheSky23 for replying so much. And to everyone else who has responded.

I am very sociable with hobbies and get along easily with other people. I go swimming and in the past I've done drama, martial art and been part of an astronomy group. My new thing now is a book club.

Maybe it's my hormones at my age, because I've never truly wanted children. And I think if I wanted a baby then I'd just go for it with all guns blazing. Maybe I think being pregnant again would take away all this hurt this last year has caused. But maybe being pregnant has switched on these hormones. Who knows.

I know people can change their mind drastically.