Sorry!! SIL and whatsapp I think I know IABU

[RubySunset82]

My older SIL is a bit of a control freak and likes things her way or the highway. Put it this way her own DS was NC for a period of time and has only recently gone LC. After about 6 years her DS and kids came to a family event at SIL house.

Every year SIL and BIL will go away with their kids when it’s my kids birthdays. But expect us to come to their kids bday parties. This was the first year we didn’t as it really upset my 7 year old that she didn’t have her cousins at her bday party.

Now SIL is responding on whatsapp to family messages but ignoring mine about Xmas presents for the kids!!

I know I should ask DH to just ask his DB. But it’s totally pissing me off! I know SIL likes to do this shit then she’ll respond like Xmas eve and we’ll all
rush out to buy for her kids as per every year!

Don't.

Put in the chat I was hoping to get some ideas from you but I've bought x and y now because I didn't want to leave it until christmas eve again, far too stressful! see you on whatever date.

Just reply telling her what your planning on getting and tell your SIL if she doesn’t reply by ‘Friday’ you’ll take it as these gifts are fine

Just get what you want and if she replies say actually I got sorted thanks.

Thanks - I did that first on family group please send ideas. Other SILs responded but she never does!!!

I'd send one last message saying, 'i'm doing the last of my Christmas shopping on (X date) so have a think and let me know before then'. If she doesn't respond then, oh well, they get what they get. I certainly wouldn't be rushing around last minute for her.

Drop the rope. Let your DH communicate with his brother and sort it out, you don't need her manufactured drama of last minute shopping.

I’d just write “I’m buying presents this week. If I don’t hear from you, I’m just going to choose myself.”

Also it's tough if the kids havnt done Santa letters- it is still November.

Just get them something generic and save yourself the heartache. I bet they don't remember what you got them last year.

Just let your DH deal with it, his family

Every year SIL and BIL will go away with their kids when it’s my kids birthdays. But expect us to come to their kids bday parties. When are your kids birthdays, how are they away every time? are they during the school holidays? traditional holiday times?

Tell dh to buy the presents. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Buy the presents now and when she responds last minute tell her oh I bought them ages ago, around the time I asked you what they’d like. Don’t worry if they don’t like the presents. I’m sure they’ll get plenty of others and it will highlight to your sil that people who play silly games win silly prizes

Every year SIL and BIL will go away with their kids when it’s my kids birthdays. But expect us to come to their kids bday parties. This was the first year we didn’t as it really upset my 7 year old that she didn’t have her cousins at her bday party

I am not sure I am getting the problem with this? Are they not supposed to go on holiday in order to attend your children's birthday's?

You attend their DC parties ergo you buy a gift?

(Or is the issue they totally don't do gifts at all as they are away?)

I’d message both your BILL and his wife directly and say that you’re going shopping at the weekend and will pick up gift cards from x store, unless she can suggest anything else before then.

I'd just buy the gifts and not worry about whether or not your SIL okays the purchases. Keep the receipt in case they want to exchange it.

I wouldn’t write anything. Just put £10each in an envelope and if she kicks off tell her why. Seriously, do not go to effort for people who do not value you. You’ve given her a chance. If she doesn’t want to respond that’s her problem.

They can go on holiday and miss their nieces birthday but they also can’t get shitty with OP and the family when they don’t go to SIL kids birthday parties. It works both ways!!

I would just buy them a token gift if she doesn’t respond and stop playing silly buggers with her. People like her will always act like that, it’s best to just remove yourself from the nonsense as much as possible.

DH buys the presents and communicates with his family and you disengage. Present buying is hard enough, there’s no way I’d do it for all of DH’s family as well.

It sounds like Christmas is entirely wifework in your family: all your other sisters-in-law are responding, but this one isn't. Despite, as far as I can tell, her being your husband's brother's wife, it sounds like the women are the ones who deal with all the Christmas stuff.

This is bananas, and pernicious.

Don't have a passive-aggressive fight with your sister in law. Tell your husband that presents for his family are his responsibility and his brother's responsibility, not their wives'. (Particularly if their wives don't like each other.)

Do people really do this clearly defined, your family, your problem stuff? We're a team and just sort of deal with what arises.

Although, to be fair, in this case the 1st time she sent a message on Xmas eve she would have been told too late, they'll have to have what we have got them. But either of us would have said it and would have backed the other regardless of who the actual blood relationship is through.

Why is it only about the sisters-in-law?
Where are the husbands? Brothers?

Let the persons who are siblings with each other deal with this.

I still don't get why the OP is pissed off about the holiday though? Does she think they book that time specifically to avoid her DC's birthdays? Maybe its just the time of year they go away? Expecting someone to prioritise a niece or nephews birthday over a family holiday is being selfish.

The OP choosing to miss her niece / nephews party to punish them as they went away on her kids birthday is petty and mean.

This is not to say the SIL isn't hard work / difficult overall but the holiday is a moot point really.

This.

Just step out of the drama.

Name her in the WhatsApp group. "Jane, everyone's told me what their kids want but I'm still waiting to hear from you. I want to get my shopping finished by Date so if I don't hear from you by Date I'll just get them chocolate, okay?"

This!

I have a lovely extended family who all outsource the decision making around my kids gifts to me…every Christmas and birthday I get about 6 requests from aunts, grandparents, SILs about what they should buy for my kids. I’m already at my wits end trying to figure out what to get them from myself and DH…It’s massively stressful having to do the thinking for everyone. While it is absolutely well intentioned, I find it really really hard to be bombarded with requests and think of things that are acceptable to the giver. Hell my dad just gives me the money and asks me to sort it out!

It also makes me feel uncomfortable as I think it makes me look grabby and the requests are usually made without a budget so I need to guess how much they want to pay…it’s a minefield!

I adore my SIL who never asks and always provides receipts and mostly appropriate thought out gifts. The two or three things she has bought over the years that were either doublers or wrong size, we’ve been able to return and swap with the gift receipt with no big drama.