Sorry!! SIL and whatsapp I think I know IABU

[RubySunset82]

My older SIL is a bit of a control freak and likes things her way or the highway. Put it this way her own DS was NC for a period of time and has only recently gone LC. After about 6 years her DS and kids came to a family event at SIL house.

Every year SIL and BIL will go away with their kids when it’s my kids birthdays. But expect us to come to their kids bday parties. This was the first year we didn’t as it really upset my 7 year old that she didn’t have her cousins at her bday party.

Now SIL is responding on whatsapp to family messages but ignoring mine about Xmas presents for the kids!!

I know I should ask DH to just ask his DB. But it’s totally pissing me off! I know SIL likes to do this shit then she’ll respond like Xmas eve and we’ll all
rush out to buy for her kids as per every year!

DH and I split the family admin - he does his (smaller) side, I cover gifts & cards for my side. This is after 20 odd years of doing it and getting v bored of his unappreciative family who only rarely reciprocated.
I did show him how to set up reminders in his phone so he doesn't forget birthdays but tbf he set up reminders in Thortful/Moonpig/ Interflora etc so they also nag him in time as well 😉

Just get them chocolate (unless they have known allergies).
Christmas isn't about presents.

No, I certainly do a lot of things for/with his family, but largely because I enjoy them. I love buying presents for people, and I tend to go all-out, so he doesn't mind me taking over that side of things.

However, if I needed to communicate with my husband's family and wasn't getting anywhere, I wouldn't assume that all the women who married into the family had the responsibility for communication, and would instead ask him to sort it. (Or, more usually, he would just sort it himself without me asking.)

I did one year just transfer to DH he then asked SIL rather than BIL. Ended up costing us twice as much as DH forgot he’s ordered stuff, then didn’t send it back!

I think you’ll all say this is a DH problem!

Ask the children directly? Or just send money or a voucher in a card and let them nag their parents to take them shopping in the sales. It doesn’t need to be such a drama.

The birthday parties/holiday thing is also just creating unnecessary drama. Have a party the week before or after their holiday if it’s vitally important the cousins are there. Or have a sleepover with just them as an extra treat when they’re back. Deliberately not going to their party because they were on holiday for your kid’s party is pathetic.

She’ll also randomly send really cheap (get ten for a pound) birthday cards in the post in August a whole month earlier than my DD birthday!

My DDs birthday has fallen on a weekend the last two years and each year they’ve gone away with their friends and their kids!

Decided sticking £20 per child in a card!

Come on woman! pull your big girl pants up and leave it to him

This all sound unnecessarily dramatic. You are annoyed that your sil's family go on holiday peak season, missing your dc's birthday. You are annoyed that she sends a cheap card too early, but I don't understand why you need an expensive one, the child won't care! And you are annoyed that she doesn't know what to tell you to get for her children. The gift is from your household, so you / your dh should be the one choosing something. The £20 in a card is sensible.

This. Puts the ball firmly back in her court and gives no possible loophole for her to put OP in the wrong. Perfect.

So you purposely didn't go to their birthday because they didn't come to yours.... And now she's ignoring you because you didn't go to theirs?

Eh, you're both doing the same thing, passively playing tit for tat and being upset about it...

Them going away on your childs birthday will not be done just to hurt your child. Itll be because thats when they go on their holidays. I go the same two weeks every year. It's not uncommon.

My DDs birthday has fallen on a weekend the last two years and each year they’ve gone away with their friends and their kids!

People like to go away on the weekends. A lot of people go away in September because it's cheaper than summer but still tends to be nice.

They and their friends did not all organise a weekend away just to hurt you and your child, if thats what you are thinking

It’s not the same two weeks every year, just those two years!! we have never missed a birthday in the past they’ve been to one in 7 years we’ve been to all 13 of their eldest’s birthdays except one this year.

We’ve never played tit for tat previously. I don’t think we are now!

there is more I could add its outing. But other SILs struggle with her. Her own sister was NC with her for 6 years!! This SIL was also sacked from her job for bullying! She’s just a bit toxic!

@Notimeforaname ok point taken. But it’s still shitty since we always make an effort

Well then stop trying to get blood from a stone. She doesn’t give a fuck about you or your kids! So don’t bother.

OP they aren’t going away on those dates to spite you, so purposely not attending their children’s birthdays is shitty.
As is your judgement that the card is too cheap and too early.

You’re sounding a little toxic yourself to be fair. You’re probably not really like that in real life but your posts are starting to come across like that. You clearly don’t like her and that’s fine. You don’t have to but stop playing into/feeding the drama and using the children as little pawns.

It’s not the same two weeks every year, just those two years!! we have never missed a birthday in the past they’ve been to one in 7 years we’ve been to all 13 of their eldest’s birthdays except one this year.

Not everyone needs to do things to your standards. Your expectations of others to do things like you/think like you is pointless. You'll always be frustrated and questioning why they do what they do.

They dont have to attend all the things you attend, they dont have to spend what you would spend on a card. They can go away even if it classes with an event.

Try to let go.
They are their own people and you wont change them or understand everything they do.

But other SILs struggle with her. Her own sister was NC with her for 6 years!! This SIL was also sacked from her job for bullying! She’s just a bit toxic!

Then all the more reason to spend less time thinking about her. Let the other SILs deal with their gripes with her and stop perpetuating the drama or frustration by thinking about why she wont answer the text or what you can say to get her to respond about presents.

It's your husband's family its only stressing you out.

Let go, smile and nod when you see them. Make boring unemotional conversations with her and let her take up no more space in your mind. X

ok point taken. But it’s still shitty since we always make an effort

Again, you are judging people by your own standards.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

This is doing you no good.

This is where you are going wrong.

If your SILs kids are old enough to go NC with her, why would they come to a utos birthday party?

I couldn’t be bothered with this rubbish. Money wallet and cash. End of.

Honestly, you have asked, she is being a petty cow. leave her to it.

Always provide a timeline

"Hi everyone, I will be finishing off my Christmas shopping by x date so if you could please send me requests by x date. If I dont receive a request, I assume that presents are not required"

If any requests are sent after this date, you screenshot the message you sent reminding them that you are no longer buying any more presents.