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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end the marriage?

54 replies

Lovespam · 27/11/2023 11:37

I really need some advice!

So basically i have asked my husband to leave as the resentment became unbareable. He questioned why i wasnt being affectionate anymore and I had to tell him that I was no longer in love with him, on the back of that he decided to go out until 5:30 in the morning, when he came back I was up with our son as he wasnt well but he just went to bed (probably wise)

We had such a great relationship before we had children, but since they came aling it made me realise how selfish he is. He works until 8pm mot nights and then plays sports 3 nights a week, has numerous season tickets and goes out whenever he liked. I felt like a prisoner to his schedule ans enoughwas enough.

Im really worried why the kids havent asked where he is and given the choice fhey would still prefer me to put them to bed etc. I asked him how he was andhe said he is doing great as I no longer have any expectations of him so dont moan.

I am gutted but also relieved, gutted that it wasnt better!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 27/11/2023 11:53

Can I also add that he said that he didnt want to be at home anymore as he felt unloved, I was resentful for thr lack of support so didnt have anything to give anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 27/11/2023 13:27

Anyone?.

OP posts:
Icantthinkofarhyme · 27/11/2023 13:33

It sounds like you are better off without him. So well done.
My DH also sometimes moans about lack of affection, but he also realised when our kids were pretty small that for me, my love language was support and him mucking in with everything that needs doing. And now he's better at doing that, and we're much better.
Your H sounds selfish and like he wanted to continue acting like a single man. Just make sure he pays what you are entitled to.

Jewelspun · 27/11/2023 13:34

'We had such a great relationship before we had children, but since they came aling it made me realise how selfish he is. He works until 8pm mot nights and then plays sports 3 nights a week, has numerous season tickets and goes out whenever he liked.'

Is this the truth or did you consciously or unconsciously want children so much that you didn't discuss what having a family meant and that lifestyle changes would be inevitable?

I don't think you can put all the blame on him if he was like this before you had children and you didn't think to question him about making changes.

Sadly, he doesn't want to devote his free time to a family life and wants to continue as if he is still single.

Perhaps sit down and ask him to devote more time and have him try to or him refusing to and then make your decision.

Such a shame you both brought children into this poor relationship.

Sapphire387 · 27/11/2023 13:37

Jewelspun · 27/11/2023 13:34

'We had such a great relationship before we had children, but since they came aling it made me realise how selfish he is. He works until 8pm mot nights and then plays sports 3 nights a week, has numerous season tickets and goes out whenever he liked.'

Is this the truth or did you consciously or unconsciously want children so much that you didn't discuss what having a family meant and that lifestyle changes would be inevitable?

I don't think you can put all the blame on him if he was like this before you had children and you didn't think to question him about making changes.

Sadly, he doesn't want to devote his free time to a family life and wants to continue as if he is still single.

Perhaps sit down and ask him to devote more time and have him try to or him refusing to and then make your decision.

Such a shame you both brought children into this poor relationship.

Disagree with this. He should be grown up enough to realise the sacrifices he needs to make when he has kids - his wife shouldn't have to point them out to him!

OP, wish you all the very best in the future sounds like you have made the right decision if he has just opted out of family life.

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 13:44

He sounds like a manchild who is unable to reflect on, nor acknowledge his significant part in the marriage failing. He is trying to make you think his crappy behaviour and lack of family responsibility is all your fault for ‘not loving him enough’ and having (in his eyes) ‘unrealistic expectations’ of the basic responsibilities a father and husband should have. You are well rid of such a manipulative, selfish burden. Embrace your new life without this noose of a loser around your neck!

Jewelspun · 27/11/2023 13:47

@Sapphire387 if you're with a man that has lots of hobbies and a busy social life, you do need to have a conversation about making changes when you decide to have children.

I know I wouldn't have taken the chance that he would automatically take on his responsibilities in raising a family.

Unfortunately some men like the ops husband just don't want to give up their lifestyle when they have children and the brunt of raising children falls on their wife. They justify it by saying they provide for them .

I do think the op needs to discuss it with him and if he's not willing to change then they do need to split.

PaminaMozart · 27/11/2023 13:52

So he stopped putting petrol in the tank quite some time ago........ and now he is surprised the car won't start?

Is he as dim in other aspects of his life?

Original poster
Lovespam · 27/11/2023 14:03

I didnt force children on him, he seemed very excited to have children. The working long hours and hobbies became so much more after children.

I feel sorry for bringing the children into this too

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/11/2023 14:09

Dont feel sorry. Feel glad. Glad you left him as he was no support to you whatsoever. You're showing your kids that you won't accept it. They will find that out when they are older.

Now you have an opportunity to live life the way you want. Put your focus into working our schedules, time with the children, maintenance etc.

You've made the decision, no need to dilly dally and ruminate over it. Onward and upward.

ManateeFair · 27/11/2023 14:21

You say it yourself: you didn't love him any more and didn't feel able to be affectionate towards him. Therefore you weren't being unreasonable to end the marriage; it wouldn't have been fair on either of you if you'd stayed together.

I can absolutely see why you found it hard to maintain your love for a man who expected to be able to carry on doing exactly as he pleased all the time with zero regard for the rest of the family. He sounds very selfish, and completely in denial about what it really means to be a parent.

The remark he made about being pleased to be free of your expectations is very revealing. He basically wanted to live the life of a single man despite having a wife and children, and YANBU to object to that!

I think 'gutted but also relieved' is a very, very natural way to feel in this situation. Everyone goes into their marriage hoping and expecting that it will work out, so even when divorce is a relief, there's always going to be an element of feeling gutted. Not so much gutted to lose that person you're divorcing, but gutted that things went wrong.

You've definitely done the right thing, and what you're feeling is completely understandable.

pontipinemum · 27/11/2023 14:22

He shouldn't need to be asked to change once you have children. It's just what you have to do! I'm sure there are plenty of things OP did before having children that she doesn't do now.

For me I know I used to go to my hometown a lot more to go out with the girls.

When you have children your priorities need to change, and he will have known that before having them

oakleaffy · 27/11/2023 14:39

Jewelspun · 27/11/2023 13:34

'We had such a great relationship before we had children, but since they came aling it made me realise how selfish he is. He works until 8pm mot nights and then plays sports 3 nights a week, has numerous season tickets and goes out whenever he liked.'

Is this the truth or did you consciously or unconsciously want children so much that you didn't discuss what having a family meant and that lifestyle changes would be inevitable?

I don't think you can put all the blame on him if he was like this before you had children and you didn't think to question him about making changes.

Sadly, he doesn't want to devote his free time to a family life and wants to continue as if he is still single.

Perhaps sit down and ask him to devote more time and have him try to or him refusing to and then make your decision.

Such a shame you both brought children into this poor relationship.

This in spades ♠️

Children definitely change the dynamics of any relationship, and ultimately it is the children who suffer the most emotionally when a relationship drifts apart into a final split.

Cyclebabble · 27/11/2023 14:42

I assume if we works hard then there is money in the pot to make some adjustments for you as well? So nanny perhaps? He does sound on the selfish side but I would still consider seeing if you can discuss and agree some changes on time with kids, time for you etc. He needs to know this is serious. If not then I think its over, but I would at this stage maybe try.

Errolwasahero · 27/11/2023 14:45

@oakleaffy abd @Jewelspun you’re literally blaming the op for the man being a dick.

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 14:49

Well, yes, in an ideal world couples would sit and discuss all manner of issues, including having children, family expectations and responsibility, finances etc before doing it all.

The OP may not have had those conversations but then, neither did the husband did he? Regardless, the children are here now and berating the OP over something that has already happened and cannot be changed is unhelpful and unnecessary. The fact the husband is a selfish man child cannot be changed either so getting rid is the solution.

Original poster
Lovespam · 27/11/2023 16:35

Another thing that happened was a few weeks ago the bailiffs knocked at the door as he hadnt paid the council tax for god knows how long, we have also cleared his credit cards once and he maxed them out again! I found some cash in his car and he told me he went to the casino after a meal with work. He earns really good money so it doesnt make any sense.

Surely i must have some expectations of my childrens father.,.

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 27/11/2023 19:33

Honestly I'm sick to the back teeth of men and their apologists saying you need to have a conversation pre children. Yes, absolutely you have a conversation and agree you want them, are going to be involved, love them very much and how to parent but surely it doesn't need pointing out that you've got to change and compromise? Especially when they are here and you can see your partner stressed out and tired?

I honestly thought I'd feel fine to leave my few weeks old baby for a night when I was pregnant and when it came to it, I absolutely wasn't and hadn't fully recovered from the birth. You don't always know how things are going to be and as an adult you adapt. Why are women meant to figure this out, seemingly by osmosis but men need sitting down and it spelling out?

OP enjoy the freedom that comes with uncoupling yourself from a dead weight!

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 07:56

Im wondering if i should go back to wotk full time now or just stay as I am. I currently earn 1600 per month and he said he will give me 420 per month with the kids staying with him 2 nights per week.

I got upset last night infront of the kids for the first time ever, he left and messaged me to say i could always talk to him if needs be. I said I was grieving for the life I could have had that he could never give and he said I should have thought about that before I was a dick to him. He really believes this is all on me and he has done nothing wrong.

Thanks for all your advice and support, putting my feelings down is really helping.

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 28/11/2023 08:27

I’m glad we’re getting to a point in society where the pressure to have kids or even a relationship is reducing. Not everyone is cut out for it as we can see here and fewer people should be having kids or building families.

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 08:55

I disagree with this, having kids was the making of me and I absolutely adore being a mum. I am go glad they are in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 09:23

There are plenty of single parents in the world, if I was doing it all on my own anyway, what difference does it make?

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 28/11/2023 09:35

Op I could have written this 2 years ago! I finally called it quits 18 months ago. Ignore the nasty replies, my ex had all the hallmarks of being a good parent but sport, booze and selfishness got in the way.

We co-parent really well and have actually become friends now but if you asked him today why we ended he would have no insight at all into how his behaviour triggered everything. Literally none. He would say I stopped being loving and affectionate and fun. No mention of him being selfish or opting out of the work that comes with being a family.

My life is great now. I’m in the early stages of a relationship, me and my ex are a united front with the kids. You will thrive from here, it’s the hardest part right now but you will get there.

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 09:38

Thank you so much!

How have the kids handled it? X

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 09:42

I keep asking the kids do they want daddy to put them to bed tonight, and they say no they want me? I remember wanting my dad ao much when I was a kid I find it bizarre (I would follow it through if they wanted him but they never seem to)

OP posts: