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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end the marriage?

54 replies

Lovespam · 27/11/2023 11:37

I really need some advice!

So basically i have asked my husband to leave as the resentment became unbareable. He questioned why i wasnt being affectionate anymore and I had to tell him that I was no longer in love with him, on the back of that he decided to go out until 5:30 in the morning, when he came back I was up with our son as he wasnt well but he just went to bed (probably wise)

We had such a great relationship before we had children, but since they came aling it made me realise how selfish he is. He works until 8pm mot nights and then plays sports 3 nights a week, has numerous season tickets and goes out whenever he liked. I felt like a prisoner to his schedule ans enoughwas enough.

Im really worried why the kids havent asked where he is and given the choice fhey would still prefer me to put them to bed etc. I asked him how he was andhe said he is doing great as I no longer have any expectations of him so dont moan.

I am gutted but also relieved, gutted that it wasnt better!

OP posts:
Giraffescarf · 28/11/2023 09:45

Do what you will. Just know that there is a more than 50% chance you will end up long term single, be disinvited from social events in case you try to steal someone else's man, do the bull of the work alone while having unsatisfactory dating experiences with men who are players or emotionally unavailable. Worse, you may fall head over heels in love only to have your heart broken. You will be poorer and worse off and at times like Christmas you will see so many happy families and feel more alone. Mumsnet users love saying ltb but just know that after the initial flush of joy, the years alone will be very long.

Backagain23 · 28/11/2023 09:49

Jewelspun · 27/11/2023 13:34

'We had such a great relationship before we had children, but since they came aling it made me realise how selfish he is. He works until 8pm mot nights and then plays sports 3 nights a week, has numerous season tickets and goes out whenever he liked.'

Is this the truth or did you consciously or unconsciously want children so much that you didn't discuss what having a family meant and that lifestyle changes would be inevitable?

I don't think you can put all the blame on him if he was like this before you had children and you didn't think to question him about making changes.

Sadly, he doesn't want to devote his free time to a family life and wants to continue as if he is still single.

Perhaps sit down and ask him to devote more time and have him try to or him refusing to and then make your decision.

Such a shame you both brought children into this poor relationship.

I carried on like I was young and single too, when I was young and single.
I somehow realised that my children would require me to be around to care for them without DH sitting me down to have a chat about his expectations.
Fucked if I know why a man shouldn't be expected to behave like an adult without explicit step by step instructions from his Mummy-Wife.

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 09:53

If im being honest the thought of being single for the rest of my life makes me feel relieved. I dont need a man to be happy, I was alone anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 09:56

And so I should just lrt somebody take the piss out of me out of fear of being alone?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 28/11/2023 10:02

Congratulations OP, don't take him back if he tries. It almost sounds as if he's "punishing" you so you back down and be grateful for when he decides to come back. Just read the multiple threads on here to see it's a thing.

Get rid while the kids are young. I left it too late and now he's taking out his anger in a despicable way at his adult child, as well as me because we both prevented him from living the single life. And yet it was him that wanted children, I didn't.

Conkersinautumn · 28/11/2023 10:03

I don't agree, life as a single parent wasn't lonely for me! I had free time on a regular basis to spend with friends that didn't have children and was part of a group of single mums through our children. My family were significantly better at keeping in touch, if you're part of a couple you're somewhat assumed to be busy all the time, single parents seem to be assumed to be free all the time!

I felt significantly less lonely when I freed myself from my ex after I'd been doing everything anyway. My children also didn't mention his absence for the best part of a month. So many of these useless partners are already irrelevant to their children's lives before they disappear.

Loneliness is not caused by missing out on a vacuous dinner party. Its from living with someone who is oblivious to you, your needs and emotions - their indifference makes it lonely.

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 10:05

He keeps asking for his passport but is unsure where he is going or who with?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 28/11/2023 10:09

Lovespam · 28/11/2023 10:05

He keeps asking for his passport but is unsure where he is going or who with?

Mind games. That's all.

Tell him it's probably where he left it (and get the children's passports and birth certificates away from his asap as he might be trying to get those).

Conkersinautumn · 28/11/2023 10:10

It's his passport, does it matter?

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 10:13

He knows where it is, doesnt need to make a point of it

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 28/11/2023 10:16

Then we are back to mind games. This takes his previous behaviour into a different territory from lazy and selfish. Protect yourself, you are in for a bumpy ride Flowers

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 28/11/2023 10:19

Was it a joint decision and both of your choice to have kids?

If so then he's a pathetic man child for not stepping up to his parenting responsibilities.

If not ..... Well .....

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 10:24

Yes it was absolutely a joint decision

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 10:53

If i am beinghonest, my main worry is how the kids will handleit. Im really not fussed about any future relationships. I am only 33 so best do it now rather than wait anothed 10 years.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 28/11/2023 10:59

@Lovespam my first marriage ended because of identical situation . We got married far too young and at 29 he carried on exactly as if he was single

greencheetah · 28/11/2023 11:06

Is £420 in line with CMS calculator?

You need legal advice through this. Do you own your home? What about other savings or pensions?

Is he planning to have the DC every weekend or are the two nights including school nights? It’s not great to be the parent who is nagging them to go to school whilst the other does all the fun stuff.

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 11:10

He will be having them sun night and Monday night as he will not have them every weekend he has already said this

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 11:32

He has moved to his mums for the minute but he has been looking after them here which means I have provided all the meals etc, he needs to find a place soon as this cant carry on

OP posts:
Outofmydepthnow · 28/11/2023 11:46

So still prioritising himself by not having them interrupt his 'free weekend' time.. but of course it's fine for you to have no free weekends ???

Personally I would refuse this 'kind' offer as it provides no quality time with their father as they will be at school Mondays and suspect the Sunday will not begin until very late in the day.

Say no. EOW by agreement or he takes you to court. No judge is going to let him pick the days that suit him and require him to put in so little actual parenting. They aren't a toy he can play with when he isn't doing something he would rather do..

He will be told EOW . Then he will learn what it is like to be a parent - although will still probably palm them off on his mother .

greencheetah · 28/11/2023 11:50

Why can’t the children go to his mother’s house? Heavy smoker? XL Bully?

Prettypaisleyslippers · 28/11/2023 11:56

Make sure that you get the right amount of financial contribution from him. Also is Sunday and Monday night ok with you?

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 11:58

MiL never really been involved in the kids and he wont take them there as she has obviously tokd him they cant go there/Sleep etc

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Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 12:00

I work sundays and Mondays so yes it works for me. Last night he called me 5 minutes before after school club ended that he wasnt going to make it due to traffic so I had to go and pick my daughter up,

OP posts:
strawberrysea · 28/11/2023 12:52

Why are people saying that you should've had a conversation about 'life after children'?

You don't have to be a genius to work out that life changes after children.

If he's so absent that the kids don't even realise he's gone then I wouldn't worry too much about how this will affect them. They will be much better off being raised by a single mother who isn't a doormat than witnessing a pushover who is a secondary character in her own life.

Original poster
Lovespam · 28/11/2023 18:38

Thank you. Im really angry with myself for allowing this to happen but I just cant be unhappy anymore.

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