To think I have a really crappy family?

[reallyfedup123]

Little ones birthday today. DH’s family all called really early to chat to him. No one in my side called! I call and send cards and presents regularly to nieces/nephews but not one happy birthday. I just sent a message in my family WhatsApp saying “it’s (name) birthday today!” Should I have done that or just left it? My dad just said we forgot. To think it’s quite awful? He’s the youngest of all the kids and I feel he often gets overlooked compared to the older ones of my siblings.

i have this with my sibling. So i decided long ago that i will reply if/when they contact me. As a result there has been no contact for around 5 years and i'm now beyond caring about it. Sad for what might have been - but i was sick of making all the running and decided that was enough.

@CleverClogg why wouldn't you do something for your niece or nephew's birthday? Seems really odd not to bother.

Not specifically to call etc, but at very least a card! It just takes a little thought.

As for this situation, I'd forget the lot of them!

Its not very nice, but im surprised the birthday hasnt come up to remind the family. I always put something in the family chat beforehand like “We are looking forward to sat when DC celebrates his/her bday! If youre free come over for some cake!” Etc.
DH usually posts in his family chat as well (his family is overseas). He just mentions it and what we have planned like 1-2 days beforehand. Tht way most of them call on the actual birthday to congratulate. I wouldnt expect people to remember. I have all birthdays of friends/family/all kids in an app, but honestly, most people dont.

I didn't expect GPS, Aunts, Uncles to remember my DCs birthdays. The one who wanted to buy presents I would remind of the date. None would call on the day. Same for DPs family. Different families do things in different ways.

While different families do things differently- if your family culture is you all call /visit a child on their birthday and give gifts - particularly grandparents doing this - then to do it for some grandchildren but not others - is shitty.

do it for all or none.

You'd be annoyed if your sibling calls their niece or nephew to say happy birthday to them? How odd.

I love my nieces and nephews, my kids love their cousins. Often we celebrate their birthdays all together and when we can't of course we want to speak to them to wish them happy birthday.

I love that my sister and her husband, my sister-in-law want to with my kids happy birthday. Having other adults who love your kids, are generous with them, want to spend time with them is great. Why would you not want that for your kids?

You’re being a people pleaser sending gifts and cards. Please stop. They’ve ignored your child, now ignore theirs. They’re sure to get enough fuss from others in the family, so don’t worry that they’ll notice. No way would I give the parents the satisfaction of continuing to spend money on their kids when yours get nothing. Yes, I’m petty.

Do they usually forget or is this a one off? It's shit that they have forgotten but I'm reluctant to write them off as crappy unless they often do this kind of thing.

I can see what you're saying but this means that their children lose out because their parents have forgotten the OP's child's birthday. I don't think it's fair to make a child pay for their parents' shortcomings.

You might find some help in the stately homes thread. There are a lot of us going through similar problems.

In some families Birthdays and Christmas tend to highlight the fact that certain siblings and their children are treated differently.

Also hope your child had a wonderful birthday regardless of their thoughtlessness.

Stop being such a doormat @reallyfedup123

They shouldn’t get a single card or gift from you ever again, that’s appalling treatment. Let them get annoyed, just put a stop to it right now.

It’s nasty and blatantly deliberate. Spend all future celebrations with your DH’s side only and forget the miserable bastards you share genes with.

Normal parents do not do this to their children and grandchildren.

I’d refer this to the block and delete thread-they are prime candidates for getting rid of.

Did you remind them or ask them when they were dropping in for cake?

I find preempting give a better result than afterwards? Do your siblings invite your parents round?

Just a thought

Forgetting is one thing, not being apologetic and laughing when that’s highlighted to you is another. I think you need to review the effort and investment your family make in to the lives of you and your children and what effort and investment you are willing to put in to relationships with them moving forwards.

I'd be popping in the chat "since nothing was done for <my child> birthday, I will take it we are stopping the calls/cards/presents for all the kids from now on then".

That seems a bit of a stretch!

OP, just pull back. Don't make any more effort with them or their birthdays. It is shit, just leave them to it.

But do you remember all your nieces', nephews', etc birthdays? My relatives and grandparents wouldn't actively know my birthday but if told on the spot, they would make such a big loving fuss of me that I still remember to this day!

I think it’s fairly common place in big families, the more grandchildren/nieces/nephews and even brothers and sisters etc, the less fuss gets made of each one, some family members get my children cards and presents, contact, visit etc but others don’t really. I don’t know whether it’s as family getting bigger the more division there is as more effort and unfortunately more likely to get the odd person sowing division but it just seems how it is. It’s the parents that create the environment for the kids essentially and as long as they get fuss from you and don’t make it into a big deal then they'll be fine. Can understand the double standards frustrating.

Agreed, just a quick phonecall, text, or video chat would be fine!

"Dear family,

I wanted to gently raise something that’s been on my mind today. It’s [little one]’s birthday, and we’ve noticed that this year he hasn’t received the usual birthday calls or messages from our side of the family.
I completely understand that life gets busy, and things can slip our minds. However, [little one] was really looking forward to hearing from you all, as he cherishes these family moments. We always endeavour to celebrate all the children’s special days in the family, and it would mean a great deal to us, especially to [little one], if this sentiment was shared.
I’m sharing this with love and the hope for more connected family celebrations in the future.
Thank you for understanding.”

I don’t understand what the fuss is about. Your little one is tiny and won’t know or care if their uncles and aunts posted a message on WhatsApp to wish them happy birthday.

Enjoy the day with your DH and DC and stop worrying about your forgetful family. It’s highly unlikely they deliberately did this just to spite you, it’s hard to keep up and remember birthdays etc. My siblings occasionally forget my DC’s birthday. However both would drop everything and help their niece and nephew in an emergency. That is more important to me than a WhatsApp greeting, Hallmark card or a plastic toy.

If I’m upset about something I find it useful to consider if I’ll care or even remember whatever it is that is upsetting me in 6 months, 1 year or on my deathbed. The answer is always no. Very few things are worth expending this amount of energy over.

Oh and stop buying for your nieces and nephews since this seems to be fuelling your sense of injustice!

I would send a message to the whole group saying

"I am really disappointed not one of you remembered or contacted dc on his birthday. I have never forgotten any of your birthdays and wouldn't laugh if I did, he's getting older and will start to notice if he is treated differently to the other grandkids. "

I wouldn't respond to any defensive comments but would be gracious if there are any apologies.

I would stil continue to get for nieces/nephews but I'd probably either do a card or text for adult family members going forward.

That is so sad but ime siblings get an invisible label in the family, the one who needs support and help (money) (in my DM's eyes), the capable one the favourite, the younger nuisances, left to get on with it (me), the youngest a real nuisance to us siblings but quite a lot of attention from DM.
And this continued through out life (I'm late 60s).
I think you should stop sending gifts to whoever you feel doesn't deserve one - remember buying for nieces etc as they get older is expensive and they usually already have everything, so perhaps stop at age10.
Whatever you say will be seen as baby of the family making a fuss again. Your DM was well out of order. Decide how to handle this that suits you best (not siblings or their children) and stick to it.

Im afraid I'd be inclined to be brutally honest and give a few home truths to your family. I could handle their lack of effort for me, but my kids would be a different story. Tell them their behaviour isn't acceptable and leave the ball in their court. Concentrate on building the relationship with your DHs side.

All of those saying "aw don't upset the other kids" are totally missing the point that soon OPs kids are going to start noticing.

So best grab the bull by the horns, pre-christmas, and say: no more. You don't send us any, and we won't send you any. Expectations are zero for everyone and nobody can be disappointed.

The problem with this approach is can end up falling out with the whole family and your children miss out on the positives of the relationships they would of had for the sake of something that really didn’t matter to them much. I see it all the time on here but sadly in real life too where parents destroy any chance of a relationship with someone they perceive is not putting in enough effort. Claiming they are doing it for the sake of their children, they are not they are just angry at not getting that attention and support, something they can quite easily mitigate for their kids