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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me turn my teen around...gaming !

68 replies

Noangelbuthavingfun · 26/11/2023 10:34

DS has ADHD, in senior school, has interests and does one sport twice a week but beyond that all bloody free time is spent gaming.... doesn't want to go fir walks or spend family time at all. He is 13... hus friends are similar but it really bothers me and honestly I feel like I've failed parenting him right and now it's too late to turn it around. Please tell me what you do or how to turn this around...
Thing is he's bloody good at it and he loves the thrill of winning things. He struggled in primary school due to SEN but doing OK now in senior...passing but not brilliantly. If I need tough love ...that's ok. If you sympathise and can share stories that's OK too.
It's at the point where we argue for him to come off and do family things without him now - he's OK about it. We have dinner and breakfast together and lunch but other than that it's gaming and mates chats. He does homework as soon as he gets in fromm school. He's a good kid and no issues other than this....help !
Not sure what my aibu is....

OP posts:
SheTookChances · 26/11/2023 10:38

You eat meals together (and hopefully chat during them), he does his homework, he does sport twice a week and is a good kid. At 13, I’d leave him to it.

SheTookChances · 26/11/2023 10:41

Actually, is be doing any chores? I would give him a couple of jobs like loading the dishwasher, taking bins out or whatever you think is suitable. but then leave him to it.

BibbleandSqwauk · 26/11/2023 10:43

Id say that sounds like my son too, though about twice a week I do insist he participates in some family game or TV show just to keep him connected. He won't do walks but I can drag him to the cinema or bowling. If he's doing sport and isn't isolated I'd say leave it. It's partly an age thing, partly a modern times thing. I was similar but substitute books for gaming.

Original poster
Noangelbuthavingfun · 26/11/2023 10:45

@SheTookChances that I'd a good point...we are not consistent with this and could do better. I'll get on other straight away and it can be a 'are your chores all done' prerequisite . He'll moan but he'll do it...thingvis I'd love for him to do some different things with us like go for a pottery lesson or a fun cooking experience or whatever else - am I deluded ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Noangelbuthavingfun · 26/11/2023 10:45

God awful spelling sorry !!

OP posts:
dingit · 26/11/2023 10:48

I had one of those
He's now 22, has a good job, goes out, good company to us.
But still games to the small hours when he can 🙄

NuffSaidSam · 26/11/2023 10:48

I'd make a list of all the things he needs to do to be physically and mentally healthy and exist positively in the world and once those are done he can do what he likes.

He's already going to school, doing his homework, playing a sport and joining for family meals so he's really not doing too badly.

I'd say other things are:

Getting some fresh air and exercise each day.
Contributing to the family by doing some simple chores.
Keeping on top of personal hygiene.
Keeping on top of organisation (getting his school bag ready etc.)
Getting proper sleep.
Socialising with friends (covered with school during term time, but I'd want him getting out to see friends in the holidays)

If he's doing all that, then whatever time is left is his and I'd let him use it for gaming if that's what he wants.

PostItInABook · 26/11/2023 10:49

Walks are literally the most boring thing ever for teenagers. Activities need to be appealing TO THEM for them to want to do them. Being forced and cajoled and blackmailed into ‘family activities’ that are really just activities for you is dull af.

Kaltenzahn · 26/11/2023 10:49

Ah OP I think you're being a bit harsh on him, he sounds like a good kid. He does his sport, does his homework and has friends, it really doesn't sound like a major issue.

I think a lot of teenagers would rather do their own thing than have forced family time. As long as he's not aggressive when gaming/being asked to switch it off or staying up until the early hours and making himself knackered for school it doesn't really sound like a problem.

My little brother is ND and gaming really helped him with his communication and developing friendships away from all the drama and complexity of school. As long as it isn't taking over his life it really isn't any worse than other hobbies.

NuffSaidSam · 26/11/2023 10:50

Noangelbuthavingfun · 26/11/2023 10:45

@SheTookChances that I'd a good point...we are not consistent with this and could do better. I'll get on other straight away and it can be a 'are your chores all done' prerequisite . He'll moan but he'll do it...thingvis I'd love for him to do some different things with us like go for a pottery lesson or a fun cooking experience or whatever else - am I deluded ?!

Yes, you are deluded on the pottery lesson and cooking class 😂

Why don't you learn to game and do that with him?

PostItInABook · 26/11/2023 10:53

Getting some fresh air and exercise each day

He goes to school so is already doing that. This incessant need some people have to go outside everyday and force others to do the same is irritating. Leave people be if they don’t want to!

Kaltenzahn · 26/11/2023 10:53

Noangelbuthavingfun · 26/11/2023 10:45

@SheTookChances that I'd a good point...we are not consistent with this and could do better. I'll get on other straight away and it can be a 'are your chores all done' prerequisite . He'll moan but he'll do it...thingvis I'd love for him to do some different things with us like go for a pottery lesson or a fun cooking experience or whatever else - am I deluded ?!

If my mum had suggested a family cooking experience when I was a teenager I'd have looked at her like she had three heads.

NoraLuka · 26/11/2023 10:54

That sounds like DD at 13, except she didn’t do any sport! If he eats meals with you, does sport and is a good kid otherwise I’d just leave him to it. DD is 17 now and does sports again and is learning to drive but I’m not sure if that was down to me nagging or if she would have done it anyway. With hindsight I would have taken a much more chilled approach and not worried so much. If you’re going for a walk or anywhere maybe ask him to come even if you know he’ll say no, just so he knows you’d like to spend time with him.

When I was a teenager parents used to worry about kids watching too much TV, now it’s gaming and I’m sure read somewhere that in the past people worried about kids reading too many novels! There’s always something to worry about 😁

Kerantli · 26/11/2023 10:55

How is his attitude if he's lost a round on his games?
It seems like gaming is one of his Special Intrests and can't seem to regulate himself to me, as well as being a typical teen.

I remember being like this myself as a teen that had just discovered The Sims for the first time and didn't want to stop. I also got grumpy when I was "forced" to do family things.

I'd keep an eye on his attitude and keep inviting him to do family things

sheflieswithherownwings · 26/11/2023 10:55

I get where you’re coming from! I’m worried my DS 12 is getting to the point of only being interested in gaming or sport. We’ve allowed more gaming since he started secondary as it seems to be the way a lot of kids connect these days. So it’s partly social too. But I do want him to keep up with other interests. I’ve had some success with cooking / baking with him, we used to play chess in the evenings and also read together but these last two have dropped by the wayside recently. I think it’s okay to enforce a family game or movie night or a walk. Won’t be that long before they’re out with mates most weekends! It’s a hard one to navigate for sure.

watcherintherye · 26/11/2023 10:55

Why don't you learn to game and do that with him?

I’m just imagining trying to do that with any of mine….. I think they’d assume a mid-life crisis of some sort Grin

60PercentClub · 26/11/2023 10:56

I think you just described my son OP, although he's 12 and no ADHD but his week sounds very similar. He does have all meals around the table with us, does a couple of different organised activities after school and accepts that he has to go on family walks (because its for the dogs benefit!) But would always rather be at home and always asking how long we'll be out. I feel sad that so many of his friends live in walking distance but they'd all rather meet online than outside, but reading the responses above maybe we're not doing such a bad job after all.

NuffSaidSam · 26/11/2023 10:56

PostItInABook · 26/11/2023 10:53

Getting some fresh air and exercise each day

He goes to school so is already doing that. This incessant need some people have to go outside everyday and force others to do the same is irritating. Leave people be if they don’t want to!

Fresh air, exercise and change of scenery is good for your physical and mental health.

If you, as an adult, have decided against it that's your choice.

But children should be encouraged by their parents to be as healthy as possible.

NuffSaidSam · 26/11/2023 10:58

watcherintherye · 26/11/2023 10:55

Why don't you learn to game and do that with him?

I’m just imagining trying to do that with any of mine….. I think they’d assume a mid-life crisis of some sort Grin

😂 I think they'd prefer it to being forced out to a pottery class with you though?

PostItInABook · 26/11/2023 10:58

NuffSaidSam · 26/11/2023 10:56

Fresh air, exercise and change of scenery is good for your physical and mental health.

If you, as an adult, have decided against it that's your choice.

But children should be encouraged by their parents to be as healthy as possible.

Show quote history

Agreed, but there is no need to force children into it everyday.

PieAndLattes · 26/11/2023 10:59

My 15 yr old is doing fine at school, does a sport a few times a week, meets up with friends to go into town/see a movie/kick a ball around a fiend once or twice a week, and does his own laundry. He won’t go for a walk but if I suggest going out for ice cream or dinner he’ll happily come along. We eat round the table every night and he often comes into my room for a chat when I go to bed. He’s also a mad gamer but he’s playing with his friends - that’s one of the spaces where they get together these days. They’re going on quests and adventures together. It’s fun and exciting for them so I don’t mind it at all, as long as he gets to bed at a reasonable hour and doesn’t spend all of his time doing it.

SheTookChances · 26/11/2023 10:59

am I deluded ?!

Maybe a little... but in a good way 🤣 You’re concerned because he’s your son and you love him. Honestly though, very few 13 year old lads are going to want to do a pottery class. I think he sounds like he’s doing fine.

At 13, my son gamed a lot, but we just let it go as long as effort was made at school, chores were done etc. He’d chat at meal times or in the car. We have dogs and he would always come on a family dog walk. Despite all the gaming, he’s now a fully functioning 20 year old, at uni, with great friends, many of whom he met through gaming. He still games! 😅

Don’t stress, pick your battles!

WhatWindyWeather · 26/11/2023 11:00

My son loved gaming too and is now a games developer. Perhaps talk to him about if he would fancy that as a career choice and if so, he may want to research what subjects he needs to be best at. Maths for example.

squashyhat · 26/11/2023 11:03

If he was spending the same amount of time reading as he does gaming would it be an issue?

watcherintherye · 26/11/2023 11:10

NuffSaidSam · 26/11/2023 10:58

😂 I think they'd prefer it to being forced out to a pottery class with you though?

Show quote history

Oh, I don’t know….Maybe I’ll suggest joining in with an online gaming session with their mates under the guise of spending ‘quality time’ together and see how they react! They’d probably be booking the pottery class themselves Grin

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