Help me turn my teen around...gaming !

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

DS has ADHD, in senior school, has interests and does one sport twice a week but beyond that all bloody free time is spent gaming.... doesn't want to go fir walks or spend family time at all. He is 13... hus friends are similar but it really bothers me and honestly I feel like I've failed parenting him right and now it's too late to turn it around. Please tell me what you do or how to turn this around...
Thing is he's bloody good at it and he loves the thrill of winning things. He struggled in primary school due to SEN but doing OK now in senior...passing but not brilliantly. If I need tough love ...that's ok. If you sympathise and can share stories that's OK too.
It's at the point where we argue for him to come off and do family things without him now - he's OK about it. We have dinner and breakfast together and lunch but other than that it's gaming and mates chats. He does homework as soon as he gets in fromm school. He's a good kid and no issues other than this....help !
Not sure what my aibu is....

We are a sedentary nation with widespread poor levels of activity so of course there will be people coming on here to say its all fine

Children and young people need two hours of moderate exercise a day. Lets not delude ourselves that school provides this

It really doesnt sadly (would help parents if it did) school is sedentary and indoors.

Rather than focus on the gaming could you really try to work with him on getting that extra fresh air and movement in

Is there a youth club nearby? Wpuld he cinsider running or tennis or something with other teens ?

I agree with the gaming free days - start with one a week - bribery/ blackmail/ threats whatever it takes.

We humans should be a lot more physical than we are - and think of teens mental health - if they just between organised activities/ school and slouching in front of the X box - where are they developing life skills/ learning how to be a social human/ getting freedom - taking risks in the real world?

They need to be out and about in the world - they also need to sometimes be bored and not reach for the gaming controller.

Gaming shouldn't be demonised as a past time - but it's not healthy if they are doing it all the time

most teens would rather do anything other than 'walks' and family time!
I would focus on maybe encouraging him to do more varied things rather than specifically just to reduce gaming, as one will naturally lead to the other, but as others have said by the time he's been to school, done homework, chores, eaten, and done sport it's not unreasonable for him to spend the remaining few hours doing something he likes to relax.

Maybe give him an incentive e.g. if he reads a book (can be fiction or non fiction on something that interests him) for twenty minutes before bed daily (to give a chance to switch off from gaming, plus reading is probably the single best thing you can do to improve grades/general knowledge) then give him a fiver/buy him a game he wants at the end of the year? make sure you make time to chat about the books with him.

Other than that if you want him to participate in family time get him to make suggestions about if there's anything he'd like to do - go watch or do a particular sport together? He might not want to come on a 'walk' but could be up for geocaching or trying mountain biking or mini golf/go ape or whatever.

similarly he might feel too old for playing board games over christmas with his family but teaching him chess/poker (and betting with small amounts) could seem quite cool. Basically ask him - say I'd like us to spend a little bit more time together/you do do something other than gaming, is there anything you'd like to do (and then based on cost, consider it). But also manage your expectations regarding teenagers wanting to spend time with their family!

@SheTookChances I don't have a negative attitude towards it at all... he is very gently medicated and honestly has no major issues around adhd that presents itself. Dyslexia he does and ae its been a factor influencing him.we discussed it at length. As adhd is a spectrum and HD is very mild, I couldn't see thd benefit of going into a huge discussion making him feel different, if he wasn't presenting that different at all if that makes sense ? I'm a firm believer to let kids be kids and not worry him with something that actually has many positive benefits as well. I'm in no way trying to hide it from him, I just don't want if to be a big deal. I have colleagues at work who treat their children's diagnosis very differently, from not allowing school to give detentions for being late to school etc. As an example. I don't want to go down that route and nor do we need to ( at present anyway). I hope that makes sense ?

@Stressosaur I'm.sorry to hear that...May I ask how you knew your child wasn't able to separate fiction from reality ? I suppose this is what I'm worried about ...

My 17 year old DD has ASD. Gaming has been a big part of her life, it helps self regulation .. plus she’s met some great people.
She’s now studying a L3 in Esports, currently looking at Esports at University, with an eye to working in the Esports industry. It a $2.2 billion dollar a year industry. Games Developing, playing, coaching, marketing, event management etc etc.
His special interest may well lead to a career.

Don’t leave him to it, it’ll only get worse. I went to a friend ‘s house recently and met her 16 & 17 year old boys. They were glued to their phones and literally couldn’t converse with adults. They were mute and could barely smile, speak or make eye-contact. My friend dismissed it as ‘oh teenagers and their gadgets!’ But I found them fucking ignorant. There’s no way they could withstand an interview or hold down a job, their mother also said how good they were at gaming. So what!? Where’s that going to get you? I was with my 8 year old who was chatty and engaging and he asked why the older boys don’t look up, I said they spend too long on their gadgets and have forgotten how to speak and interact with other humans.

I would insist on new rules, enforcing a family walk / coffee / board game / visit granny between 2pm and 4pm every Saturday and Sunday. You need to break the cycle. I’d rather pay him £20 to rake leaves in the garden for an hour, anything to get him off it.

I have a DS13 who is very similar. Neurodivergent but no ADHD, he struggles sometimes with confidence and he's a quiet lad and definitely not sporty.
He games in the snug which is part of the open plan kitchen so we can still interact and monitor what he's doing and he uses gaming as a way to interact with friends as we live in an area where geographically it's difficult for them to meet up.
My attitude is as long as school work, house jobs and self care are being done then he can game within reason.
Interestingly his sister never gamed but watched far too much shit tv and she's turned out absolutely fine

My DS was and is into gaming. He is ND and struggles with IRL friendships, they are always a disaster and never last more than a few weeks. He has some on-line friendships that have lasted for a number of years. One of them he met in IRL as he was invited to this other person's wedding reception! He went with DH as DH games as well and knew the other person on-line as well.

DS also learns a lot of general knowledge from gaming, stuff that he wouldn't have picked up at school.

I am broadly in favour of it and if your son is doing homework and other activities as well, then I wouldn't worry too much.

We have limits during week of 3 hours per day - as all friends are gaming. Then weekend they get 6 hours with option for me in increase time IF they have done chores etc

Why bother? For ds2 I have basic rules, he's up, clean, at school on time, all homework done. Doesn't get into any trouble. Well behaved. Plays football. Chats at dinner table and is pleasant. Good grades at school. Then he can play x box all weekend. He's playing now, done nothing else apart from help me make 3 beds, all day.

Pick your battles.

Gaming is not the evil it’s often painted to be on here. It sounds like it’s not negatively impacting his life so why shouldn’t he? As long as they’re age appropriate.

My OH works in the game’s industry and says the industry is full of neurodiversity, it seems to be a place where people who feel different and love games find their tribe and make a career of it if they want to. It can be quite lucrative, so there’s always that if he’s ever interested.

Both my sons are ND and game a lot. Every single professional we have met through their ND diagnosis have said it’s great for them to decompress from the NT world they inhabit and to let them at it. He’s conversing and eating with you. I would leave him to it.

My eldest games in tournaments and wins £££. He also organises and manages tournaments with people from all over the world. It’s done wonders for his confidence.

My youngest has found his passion in life, to fly. He has simulators and knows everything there is to know about planes. He will start flying lessons as soon as he is old enough.

Its a different world we live in now.

@Moveoverdarlin thanks for your view. I think DS is a bit like this too and although he is shy... I think the gaming gives them confidence as its not in person, but in person they struggle ... I'll start to bribe him with some of these things on weekends as I worry about this too...

@FMSucks and others talking about this, it's fascinating! Well done to them. I know little of the gaming tournaments etc. But would hazard a guess my DS would love this kind of thing ! Where can we get info on this ? I'm loving the varied responses on here and can see how I should pick my battles but also encourage more appropriate activities he might want to do...I suppose I have always seen it as a negative if its such a big part of their lives.. I will look at this a bit differently now

One piece of advice I'd give you is to treat the age ratings pretty much as you would for a film, they are there for good reason. If you're not sure then have a look online for the type of violence - eg there's a huge difference between Fortnite & Grand Theft Auto despite both having guns. Some games are very graphic in a realistic way (Cyberpunk) or a horror/fantasy way (Fallout or Witcher). It's well worth your time on getting to know what games are big and they are likely to want to play with their mates, so you can make informed decisions when he asks to buy a new one.

He will love you being able to engage with him on something he enjoys, too. Try to remember that he is socialising with his mates if he's playing online with them, it might not be how many of us grew up but it is totally normal now, within reason.

@Noangelbuthavingfun my son got into a game, started playing online and as he was so good at it he started getting invited to the tournaments. It seems to work by invite depending on how good you are. He doesn’t play the big well known games so perhaps there’s a smaller pool for the games he does play so gets to know people through them

Lol my hubby in his 30s and will game all night if he could was even worse before kids. But he won't game till there in bed and will help with housework or any that wake during the night and still work to so I can't complain. Our 13 yr old son loves gaming as do his mates but he has his chores, activities and doesn't mind if we say cmon we going out family day so I don't mind its a boy thing lol