Help me turn my teen around...gaming !

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

DS has ADHD, in senior school, has interests and does one sport twice a week but beyond that all bloody free time is spent gaming.... doesn't want to go fir walks or spend family time at all. He is 13... hus friends are similar but it really bothers me and honestly I feel like I've failed parenting him right and now it's too late to turn it around. Please tell me what you do or how to turn this around...
Thing is he's bloody good at it and he loves the thrill of winning things. He struggled in primary school due to SEN but doing OK now in senior...passing but not brilliantly. If I need tough love ...that's ok. If you sympathise and can share stories that's OK too.
It's at the point where we argue for him to come off and do family things without him now - he's OK about it. We have dinner and breakfast together and lunch but other than that it's gaming and mates chats. He does homework as soon as he gets in fromm school. He's a good kid and no issues other than this....help !
Not sure what my aibu is....

Having ADHD makes him more susceptible to video game addiction, because he’s always needing/looking for that dopamine hit.

He’s also more likely to find it difficult to organise himself so long ‘to do’ lists as pre-requisites might not be very helpful and could be counterproductive in your relationship with him.

You say he’s a good kid and getting on ok at school. These are HUGE plusses.

In your shoes, I would learn as much as possible about ADHD. I would also, very gradually and in a non-bossy way, start talking to tour son about the life he wants for himself. His future job, relationship, family. His health. Start talking about healthy lifestyles, the benefits of exercise, of meeting people and spending time with family. Help him develop an interest in ADHD too, and learn about the benefits he can lean into and the pitfalls he will need to actively avoid.

The aim is for him to develop a vision of what he wants for himself, and for it to be a healthy and achievable vision. It can include gaming, but he needs more than just that to live a well rounded life.

Google motivational interviewing. There may be some tips there you can use.

You will get posters here telling you to use rewards and punishments and to turn off the wifi at 8pm. All ways to manipulate/force him to go through the motions and live the life you want him to.
This doesn’t work with teenagers, they are hardwired to want to do their own thing and will just resent you for trying to control them.

They key is to get alongside him, find out what he needs and wants out of life, feed him helpful information to help him get there, and approach life together as a team- at his pace.

(p.s. if he says all he wants out of life is to be a videogamer, ask him why? What does it bring him? Is it the adrenaline? The satisfaction of developing a skill? The social kudos? Recognition? The feeling of progress? THESE are the things that matter to him, the game is just one way of finding them. Are there other ways he can find these in addition to gaming? So he can live a well rounded life? Sounds like the sport is one way - there will be more.)

Fair point on the cooking thing 😆 it was just an example

@Chocoswirl this is hugely helpful thank you! We've nit spoken to him about his ADHD actually as didn't want to make him feel different although he definitely has an inkling as on meds...it just doesn't bother him enough and hasn't asked about it. If he dud of course we would have discussed. He does know he has dyslexia though. Am aware of the gaming addiction and issue with self regulation but your points resonate with Me so thanks will do that !

@Noangelbuthavingfun

IMO there’s nothing inherently wrong with gaming. It’s just a modern, digital version of playing games. My DC have learnt so much from gaming and one wants to become a game developer and is learning to code as a result.

The skills they can develop on games are incredible so don’t underestimate that.

However, like you I do worry about the dopamine side of things. And the health implications on eyesight and looking at a blue lit screen all day and into the evening.
So I talk to my DC about this and we collaborate to find good solutions for all.

I think your son sounds like a great kid! He sounds like he has a good balance of school, sport, friends, family time and gaming.

@NuffSaidSam I love this idea thanks! Kinda puts it into perspective for me too I guess ...

Gaming did nothing but good for my DS. He has aspergers and was bullied badly at school. He didn't pass any exams because of it and so uni wasn't an option. But through gaming he made friends, who then were going to various gaming events and invited him along. His confidence grew. He took an access course, went to uni. He now has a good job and still games in his spare time! But he also socialises a lot now. He's even been to big gaming events in other countries. Without gaming I don't know where he'd be now. So it's not always the negative its painted to be.

So he has ADHD and dyslexia but you have not really spoken about it??

That needs to change pronto. He needs to learn the benefits of his neurodiversity and also methods and workarounds to manage living in a neurotypical world. Ignoring it will just make him feel like he fails at things.

I'm sorry he's medicated but you haven't told him what for???? Fuck me that is some atrocious parenting. He's 13, not 2.

Have you been honest with him about how you feel about it? I think on the whole he sounds very normal for a 13 Yr old and like he's doing just fine. I'd agree with others that some chores would be a good addition and then I'd probably agree that one afternoon a fortnight or a full day once a month needs to be spent doing family time away from screens and you'll do something fun and he can make suggestions of what to do within a reasonable budget so he's involved and it fits his interests. Maybe everyone in the family takes turns suggesting what to do.i think you also need to remember that your idea of fun and interests aren't necessarily going to be the same as his and that's perfectly OK. It sounds like he's perfectly normal for his age and you've done grand with him

@titchy not quite...he knows its to help him concentrate and he is able to discuss the benefits of the meds . We just haven't said 'it's because you have adhd'. He knows he takes it for trouble concentrating.... I don't like labels that much and if he asked I'd tell him

Thanks to everyone so far that's given their views and especially ones that point out the balance and that it doesn't sound like a big problem if you consider the other factors. I appreciate it! I love the ideas given and will implement them from today- with a positive mindset. I suppose I wasn't prepared for the sudden chsnge from age 10 to this ! And compare it to some kids I know who hardly ever games.. .. thank you

How about Scouts?

The opportunities for Explorers (14-18) are so exciting.

well if you offered me a choice of a walk in the fresh air or playing my new game, i'd pick gaming mostly!

on a count down to finishing next exams for professional qualification, and then i can download a game i want.

I am also counting down to start new Jilly cooper novel that i have picked up.

Somehow, most people would think me staying up all night to finish a book "a good thing" but gaming the same amount of time is "a bad thing"

My sons on the spectrum, younger and literally got so obsessed with gaming that he would do nothing else. Ended up removing all devices which ofc seemed cruel and he hated but he talks to his family now, reads books, rediscovering his other toys - some of which were left unopened from last Christmas still in the cellophane

It's a tougher task parenting now amongst the addictiveness of consoles and social media but I've only seen improvements in everything- school, social, motivation since ridding our home

It's all very well for people to recommend timing them but my son would have violent outbursts to them being switched off that simply timing became not a viable solution

If your child can cope with time restrictions then I guess have a time restriction and beyond there's tons of fun options for things to do... we enjoy family cinema nights, use the too good to go app for cheap takeout, have merlin passes not cos we are rich but bc it's much cheaper having passes and going regularly than doing one off trips, check out our local community events, do museums but only fun interactive type ones and skip the boring ones for kids, I'm disabled and live on a shoe string budget but if you look for it in the UK you can find ways to do loads v cheaply

Not many teenagers want to go for walks or have family time.

He sounds like a decent well rounded teenager to me. Let go of the gaming issue that you're creating. It's a social activity these days.

I think this is what they do. I’d just leave him.

We had 3 like this. All good jobs and own their own houses now. One was obsessed and used to hack into the router when it was turned off.

He’s got the best job of all of them and still games a lot. Has lots of friends and interests now.

IMO there’s nothing inherently wrong with gaming. It’s just a modern, digital version of playing games.
Yeah, that's not really true though. Monopoly was never tested on test subjects wearing electrodes on their heads to check it lights up all the addiction centres ..
Agree with pp about the connection between dopamine hits and ADHD, and think it's rational to keep a weather eye on your son's habit OP.
One if mine🙂got badly addicted to a game ( also ADHD, not medicated) and it really damaged his life, and ours, as he chose it over any other activity (including sport and homework). It was like living with a junkie. Well, it WAS living with a junkie.
Your son sounds fine, if he is still taking part in other things and doing ok at school.
Forget the idea of family cooking classes and walk though! Teens need to seperate from their parents a bit, it's natural.
( There's a stray emoji up there, no idea how to remove it!)

Extra comment: I do think there's a difference between kids without ASD gaming and with

For some it might be a great positive activity but for kids like mine... his brain can't handle it and self regulate to cope with it yet and it was an addiction and obsession that obstructed him in ways he needed extra support anyway with

My child couldn't really tell the difference between gaming and reality a few hours into some games which was pretty frightening

We have a no gaming Mon-Thurs rule. Those nights are spent on homework, making revision cards, coding, watching a series with us, Lego etc.

Fucking hell, I thought your sounded reasonable until the ‘I haven’t told my 13 year old child he has ADHD that he takes meds for because I don’t like labels’ part.

ADHD isn’t a label, it’s a diagnosis. If you’re worried about your child, change your attitude to ‘labels’ immediately. If your child picks up on your negative thinking about something that is part of him, that will do more damage than a bit of gaming.

Horrible attitude.

thingvis I'd love for him to do some different things with us like go for a pottery lesson or a fun cooking experience or whatever else - am I deluded ?!

I mean this kindly, OP, but yes, you are deluded! It sounds like you are trying to force him to take an interest in your interests. Absolutely set limits on how long he's allowed to game for per day, but don't force him to take part in activities in which he has no interest.

Have you ever sat and played one of his games with him? That would be a much better bonding activity!

It sounds like you like him to cut down a bit. It is addictive and I don't think it's healthy to spend all of your spare time on it. So my suggestion would be to have an open chat about what is good and bad about gaming from his perspective and yours, and what about it helps his wellbeing and what doesn't. I would then negotiate a number of hours per school day and per weekend day with him and once he's reached the limit that's it. He needs space in his life to be bored and pursue other non screen related interests.

I own 2 of this species

It's a bit of a phase, but they also both chat away to their mates while gaming so I'm not too worried

Plus, one goes to the gym 3 times a week, and the other goes out with friends

It doesn't sound too bad as these things go OP.
Mine learned a lot from gaming, Runescape taught them trade and Empires games taught them history.
They both made friends through gaming and it was useful to us as we live in a village. Then DS2 played Overwatch in a league at uni.

My youngest was a gamer, prone to addiction. The eldest enjoyed it but wasn't quite as hooked but I hated the fact that life revolved around the next game.
Both sensible adults now who pick up a game on the weekend or on holiday but no more.
This is what I did and it wasn't popular.
I made them have game free days every week.
A daily time limit which was longer at weekends.
The time could be used any time after school but not in the morning and if I caught them gaming without the timer they forfeited.

I'm currently playing fortnite with 16yo, but I started playing it before him so...