To ask about your Self Esteem?

[SandandSky]

Having a conversation with DH tonight which at one point moved into talking about self esteem, firstly to do with someone else and then us personally.

DH said “I don’t really get it, I’ve never really felt that bad about myself. I think I’m great” and although he admitted he sometimes wishes he had more hair or wasn’t dyslexic for example, it never really affects his self esteem, and never has.

I in the other hand, have always been self conscious, over analysed everything about myself and my social interactions, had hang ups about myself… I thought this was normal and most people had something that made them feel a bit shit about themselves.

looking at us you can really see how he has never let anything hold him back whereas I have moved more cautiously through life. I really care what people think of me and he doesn’t.

really curious as to where you stand on this? Is it man/woman thing? DH thinks that a lot of it comes from his private education.

YABU - my self esteem is great/robust
YANBU - it’s normal to have something that really knocks your self esteem

DH thinks that a lot of it comes from his private education Well, there is a well-known type of privately educated man who think they are good at everything! Only you know whether your DH is one of those.

Men and women are socialised very differently, this is long-documented.

Then there is your upbringing - were your parents critical or in any way difficult?

And then personality too.

The good thing is you can improve this in yourself, if you want to feel more confident.

Great question. I have awful self esteem issues and my boyfriend thinks that I'm mad! However, I'm a director of the UK operating company of a global organisation. Earn enough but have dyslexia and ADHD. Am menopausal which doesn't help.

Honestly, suck it up and roll with the flow. That's the only advice I have!

Super high self esteem. It’s not that I don’t think I am a bit fat with some weird quirks of mind and body but I still genuinely think I am great. I had good parents who cultivated my sense of self esteem. It makes me confident and that has helped me change job a lot, got on professionally and to attract the loveliest of friends who treat me well.

My best friend has low self esteem - she pushes more with work but has more doubt and angst.

She had mean and critical parents.

It’s not actually about me having self esteem issues (which I fully admit I do, some sort of social anxiety I think)

bur more… I found it so hard interesting to hear his point of view.

an example - I would say he’s not the most stereotypically attractive but he was like “I think I’m the shit” - good for him but I can’t imagine thinking about myself like that.

just got me thinking about how everyone else sees themselves… or if I’m married to a psychopath 😂😂😂

My self esteem is shot. I've parents who nurtured and supported me, told me I was amazing at everything I did, yet I still think I'm crap.

It's genetics for me, all down to inherited anxiety. Can't blame my parents at all.

I have no answers OP but that's my perspective.

This is really interesting.. I’ve always done well at things generally and had a nice set of friends.

but always doubted myself and been very critical. Did well at school but you didn’t enjoy a lot of it until about 16/17 when I came into my own… before that I found the social side really hard

I am the oldest child and my parents were always super strict, hard on me more than the others, and called it “high standards”

DHs parents are definitely more free and easy and he is the youngest of four boys. And he was at boarding school for 10 years which by all accounts he loved/thrived

I think it's absolutely normal for things to knock your confidence/self esteem. But if it has a solid foundation (probably due to a mix of nature and nurture, as everything is!) then it's just a knock, whereas if you don't have that foundation then you're much more likely to think that you yourself, at your core, are to blame in some way or are a failure etc, as opposed to thinking more about how the circumstances surrounding the situation have contributed, or that you've just had a temporary blip in your awesomeness but are still awesome on the whole

I'd say mine can be quite low.

Also a critical parent.

Just to add, my self esteem is pretty bad!

I think this is it!

simply, he would say “I’m an awesome person” and be steadfast in that

I would say “I’m ok” and then be embarrassed for complimenting myself 😂

just really interesting to hear other people point of view

I have terrible self-esteem, comes from a brutal childhood and a narcissistic mother and emotionally absent father. I think I am useless and never good enough at anything I do, mother, wife career etc. Doesn’t help that this week I found out that people are indeed talking about me behind my back.

I completely understand how hard it is to understand though. As someone with low self esteem it amazes me that some people can be so sure of themselves! And yet I wish I was one of those people. Unfortunately for me, I grew up with an abusive father who did a lot of damage to mine. I do wonder who I would be, and how much more I might've achieved etc if I hadn't. But we play the cards we're dealt, as they say 🤷‍♀️

Mine is really good now but it wasn’t always. I had a shit dad and parents who failed me in many important ways, but they also had their good points and always told me I was talented and capable of doing whatever I wanted. Even at my most depressed I’ve always thought I was physically attractive and I’ve never had any body/appearance hang ups. When my mental health was bad I did have periods of thinking I was fundamentally crap as a person but now I’m therapised and medicated and doing well in life I think I’m pretty great. I’ve never cared what other people think of me, being true to myself is more important. I’m not privately educated, from a poor working class background. But I think that gives me even more pride in my achievements.

I think my self esteem is fairly robust. I had a relatively poor upbringing but with supportive parents that I think made the difference.

Yes, I'm a little self conscious about the fact I'm pushing a size 20, but that's because I'm annoyed at myself for allowing it to happen when six years ago I was a size 10. Today I did a first aid course and was used as a demo for something and would have much rather people hadn't been stood around staring at me, but on the same hand I wasn't so uncomfortable as to swap with someone or to not go at all as I always knew it was a possibility.

My weight makes me self conscious but I know it doesn't define me. I'm also a little self conscious of being the 'poorest' of my friends with the smallest house etc, but also know they don't care and several have told me how inspirational they find me as a single mum, own a small home out right, completed an OU degree whilst working full time and raising an autistic daughter, I don't always recognize those as achievements themselves as it's just my life but written down I guess I should view it as a self esteem booster rather than the other way around

I think mine is pretty good. I'm comfortable in my own skin. It wasn't always thus, I had difficult parents and my early life wasn't the easiest, but now at pushing 60 I'm doing OK and I like who I am.

I don't think i have good or bad self esteem i am just me with my good and bad bits like everyone else

None of us are the same, i take others as i find them and expect people to do the same for me

My self esteem is non existent. On a training course for work we were asked to list our achievements and read them out. I couldn't think of anything to write down. I'm terrified of making mistakes and generally feel worthless most of the time.

My childhood involved a mother who repeatedly told me she wished I was dead, domestic violence, parental abandonment and a total lack of stability for multiple reasons.

Dh on the other hand knows he's brilliant at his job. Based on the flagship projects and payrises they keep chucking him I have to assume it's not overconfidence. He just assumes he can do things and most of the time he can. Other people's opinions of him are irrelevant, in fact I think other people are mostly irrelevant to him.

His childhood was hardly a bed of roses either. Family trauma, murder and massive fracturing of the family.

If I had to guess I'd say stability and secure relationships counted for a lot.

My self esteem is fine. I think I'm great at a lot of things but also keep striving to improve things too. I kind of feel I know my faults too but I also know what I need to do to improve myself.
I don't really care what people I don't care about think of me.

OP, time for some affirmations. I think it could be quite effective for you to spend some time repeating to yourself in the mirror/in your head: “I am awesome. I’m an amazing person. I’m compassionate and smart and good at things and loyal.” Etc.

Lavish yourself with some compliments - you’ve identified you could use some focus on this!

I’m not really sure.
I’m happy with who I am, I’ve recently gained some wait after 2 children but not too much and I’m working on it, DH makes me feel so wanted and loved that I’m not that bothered about the weight gain. I want to lose it for me to feel better physically more than anything.

However, I have extreme anxiety and social phobia. I spend every day worried about how other people view me, or if people are judging me - so I’m not sure if that’s just anxiety or if you’d class that as having a self esteem Issue.

My self esteem is pretty flat, it's got a little better the older I've got , I hit 40 and decided I wasn't going to care anymore - not quite but I do try and think more about myself.

I think it stems from my childhood, don't get me wrong it wasn't horrendous, but my parents, Dad in particular, has always had a way to batter my self esteem. He is a very successful person, worked very hard to get to where he was work wise when he retired so Is one of those people who puts an incredible weight on intelligence/academia/wealth.

He never seemed proud of me, I left school with no real grades, worked in childcare (my dream job but he felt I was only there as I wasn't clever enough for anything else), ended up pregnant at 22 etc. He's just always had a way about him that made me feel inferior. He worships my brother - academic, went to Uni, blah blah blah, and even worships my DH a bit as he did the same (and works in the same industry that my Dad did)

I think he has no idea how his words and actions affect others. He's quite "old school" and just wouldn't get it. The funny thing is he's very much a family man, he dotes on us all, he just has a way to make me feel abit shit at times. I'm working on it though!

I go through ups and downs with my self esteem. I have some lovely friends and have often wondered what they see in me. My parents really weren’t overly critical or harsh though but my mum has pretty low self esteem herself so maybe i unconsciously absorbed that.

I have high self-esteem. I went to a state comprehensive, one parent family, FSM, etc.

I think there are several factors
-No genetic MH history to speak of at my parent’s generation (grandparents is a different story, but seems to be war related). Though my mum had fairly low self-esteem.
-That same mother, though, was great at putting barriers in place when someone was trying to take advantage. She was fierce in her protectiveness for my brother and me.
-Lots of competitive sport as a kid, which if done well can teach you a lot about enjoying the process and getting back up when you fall.
-An incident when I was about 11 where a friend deliberately tricked me into contradicting myself and then taunted me about it, which made me realise that other people’s views weren’t better than mine and I may as well hold true to what I actually think (obviously softened to some degree by social niceties).

I had a bit of a wobble when I went to Uni and discovered just how well off most people there were (and I do get the private school confidence thing, but I think there’s a lot of hidden mental illness hidden in that too). I had another wobble when I had kids and kind of lost myself as a SAHM but once the sleep got better, my self-esteem did too.

I don’t have an unrealistic opinion of myself (at least, my friends seem to broadly agree with my personal opinions of myself when I can get past the knee jerk “oh no, you’re gorgeous.” type of comments that they’d say if I was mouldy and stank of old farts). But although I know I’m not stunningly gorgeous, don’t have a great career anymore, can’t whip together the most incredible fancy dress for World Book Day and am pretty lazy about housework, I don’t think self esteem is about seeing yourself as the better than other people. It’s just about realising you’re as good as anyone and they’re as good as you, regardless of what you actually accomplish.

I feel good about myself. I always have.

No private education. I had a vile dad who got his kicks undermining his wife and daughters. The first time I stood up to him, I was 4.

We fought every inch of the way until he kicked me out at 16. Since then, life has been good and I appreciate it.

I had one relationship that somehow I allowed a man to undermine me, but once I'd dumped him, life went back to joyful again.

I think it's a mix of not caring what unimportant people think, and really enjoying life. Little things like the trees changing colour or making a good meal or dancing with ds in the kitchen. Going for a run in the cold today and feeling really alive, and looking forward to Christmas. A sort of emotional self sufficiency, where the little stresses don't matter, and not needing anyone else to make me happy.