To ask about your Self Esteem?

[SandandSky]

Having a conversation with DH tonight which at one point moved into talking about self esteem, firstly to do with someone else and then us personally.

DH said “I don’t really get it, I’ve never really felt that bad about myself. I think I’m great” and although he admitted he sometimes wishes he had more hair or wasn’t dyslexic for example, it never really affects his self esteem, and never has.

I in the other hand, have always been self conscious, over analysed everything about myself and my social interactions, had hang ups about myself… I thought this was normal and most people had something that made them feel a bit shit about themselves.

looking at us you can really see how he has never let anything hold him back whereas I have moved more cautiously through life. I really care what people think of me and he doesn’t.

really curious as to where you stand on this? Is it man/woman thing? DH thinks that a lot of it comes from his private education.

YABU - my self esteem is great/robust
YANBU - it’s normal to have something that really knocks your self esteem

I'm late 30s and it has taken me until now to build some manner of self esteem.

I had an absent father, a narcissistic mother who made it clear she hated every fibre of me and a sibling who played along with that, who was heavily favoured. I was bullied at school, too, which didn't help, and stood out for lack of fashion etc. because the money wasn't there for any of that in a single parent household. I'm from abroad, so there was no such thing as uniform.

Nevertheless, I achieved top grades, pushed myself to the point I managed to go to university in Britain, worked through massive knockbacks (including an unplanned pregnancy followed by single parenthood while I was studying for my degree), found a job my mother told me I'd never succeed in and worked my way up the ladder to a now senior position.
I managed to ditch several abusive partners eventually.
I managed to get a mortgage on a single parent income and am slowly refurbishing the house to become the home I want it to be.

All of it, I did alone.

And yet it's only dawned on me last year how awesome all of that was. And now I am proud, which gives off its own kind of energy to the people around me.

Mine fluctuates, but it's important to me, so I do work on it. I'm not sure it really matters what other people's is like, and I certainly don't think it's possible to know how things are for "most people."

I went to private school and have zero self esteem as a result. This was caused partly by the arrogant private school boys who bullied me.
Having said that I married a private school boy who was in my year at school and he's lovely with high self esteem but not arrogant.

I think having high self esteem is a gift caused by decent parenting. If my mum wasn't abusive, I wouldn't have been such a target perhaps.

I have very low self esteem, definitely caused by a mother who never had a good word to say about me right up to the day she died aged 94 when she told me I was as ‘fat and ugly as ever’.
It’s never going to improve, I’m too old to change.

@Astridastro please, please tell them to fuck off, whoever they are distant or cut them off. You are not useless but surrounding yourself by people that talk negatively about you isn't going to help. I would suggest a private therapist even once a month I have one and she helps me so much

This for me too.

Most people (as per your poll) don’t spend nearly as much time thinking about you as you seem think they do. The baseline assumption that everyone you meet is focused on you us just wrong, they’re thinking about: their kids; their sick relative; dinner; whether they have time to get that job done; Christmas, and the stuff you have no clue about in their lives.

The asymmetric holding of standards is your problem here. What would be good enough for someone else to be, and why can’t that standard apply to you.

I do worry what others think of me or the choices I make and I'm not sure why I am getting better at this through therapy and lots of chats with my husband, he is a great supporter and makes me feel like the most amazing woman ever. I have gained some weight after having 2 children and would like to lose it , for me.
My husband is confident, owns a very successful business and doesn't give a shit about what people think of him BUT he does have empathy which I love, he's the first man I've met that does

Two things I've got better at:

• recognising when I'm self-sabotaging and instead switching my thoughts to what I'm achieving in the moment instead of minimising my own achievements, catastrophising and doing myself down. I don't think I'm particularly 'awesome' (I don't need to be) but I do think I've developed, learned and grown in work and life in general and that's something to be proud of and worth celebrating;
• I stop myself from ruminating which I used to do all the time, over-analysing, worrying whether I'd said something wrong, worrying what people at work think about me, afraid to give my opinion for fear of offending someone. Now I genuinely don't give a monkeys. Far too much wasted energy over the years! I try to be tactful and thoughtful about how I come across, I do my best to be the best version of me, and interestingly people ask for my opinion, have asked me to mentor them and generally want me in their crew. It's taken me years to be this way, lots of work on myself but the shedding of angst is liberating.

yoga and meditation, plus coaching via YouTube and understanding how our thought patterns can either govern us or conversely how we can learn to keep the control of our monkey-mind has been helpful.

My self esteem is also on the floor. Largely due to my mother I think who was cruel / physically abusive throughout my childhood. She was equally awful to my three siblings but I over heard a comment she made to her friend once comparing me to my siblings making it clear how great my younger brothers were (because they were boys) and how my sister was so wonderful and could make her feel the happiest person in the world. When the friend asked about me she said ‘well Cooking is just Cooking’.

I have never told anyone that in real life and almost 40 years later I have tears streaming down my face writing it.

She’s been dead 20 years. And still she defines
me.

I am very fortunate. I have a decent career , am married with two amazing kids of my own . I try very hard to be a good person. I am not wealthy but I don’t have to worry about paying bills on a day to day basis. I should be so happy but internally I feel so worthless. I am trying desperately to make sure I don’t pass it on to my girls.

I have good self esteem. I'm just really comfortable with myself as a person and in relation to others (as a parent / wife / colleague etc).

My parents were (and are) very loving and supportive.

Mine is pretty crap but I had a shitty childhood.
My hubby’s is good but he has a stable family and my sons is better too as he’s aware how much we love him and think he’s fabulous

Mine is shit. As an example I went out with DH and some friends from school last night. My best friends DP was horrible and aggressive towards me and both my best friend and DH just watched it happen despite knowing my ex used to be physically aggressive and bullying towards me and I'd be distressed by it. I tried to call them both out on it and they've turned on me. Guess who feels like it's all my fault and has been awake all night worrying about it? Me. Not DH or best friend.

Low self esteem is awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Not going able to advocate or show up for yourself is shit and ears away at you and telling yourself you are not worth it sucks.

To add to my post up thread, ages ago I ditched all forms of social media (Facebook, Twitter and have never even looked at Insta, Tictok etc) and it really was the best decision I ever made (thanks to my DBro who warned me about the damage those platforms can do). All those perfect families, perfect airbrushed Photoshopped images and stealth boasting is not real but it can erode one's self-worth, and sucks you into getting into online arguments that chip away one's self-worth. I never developed the FOMO which helped and I've only got a small number of treasured friends, not 1000 +

Self esteem is created largely by your relationship with your parents but also related to experiences in school and society in general. If you have a robust sense of self from your relationships at home though, this can be protective against difficulties you face. Self efficacy (how well you think you can do things) and self compassion (how well you are able to accept your imperfections, be gentle to yourself and learn from mistakes without it affecting your identity) are related skills but possibly more important. Most people's upbringing did not prepare them with these skills.

If you are neurodivergent you are very likely be even lower in these skills than others due to a lifetime of mini rejections and perceived failures, plus likely having a neurodivergent parents who may have also lacked relational/emotional skills as a parent.

It is possible to adjust self esteem, self compassion and self efficacy as an adult but you'll probably need help in therapy.

My general self-esteem has mostly always been pretty good. I've never been especially ambitious, however, and I had quite bad post-natal anxiety which lasted quite a long time. Since then I'm much more reluctant to strp outside my comfort zone with things. So, while I'm generally pretty happy with myself as a person, I do wish I were a bit braver and more confident in some ways. But that's ok - nobody's perfect!

My self esteem has definitely improved as I've got older

@MintJulia This is such a great message to read. So lovely to hear how much you are now enjoying life.

@SandandSky where my DH is concerned , I agree with him about it coming from his private education

He also had parents who thought the sun shines out of his arse ....

Can you give some examples of what your parents did to successfully cultivate this? I’d love to know. This is my ultimate goal as a parent.

I think I have good self esteem.
Have very good social skills and I think I'm a good person and a good friend.
I did worry about my looks a lot when I was younger, growing up in the misogynistic, heroin chic era but now I'm middle aged I cba to care about that.

You’ve heard the phrase “oh for the confidence of a mediocre man!” haven’t you?

I had shit parents with nothing nice to say about me, bullied through high-school for being ugly, I am only educated to GCSE level and work in a very average job on a below average salary. So by mn standards I guess my self esteem should be through the floor.
It's not though.
I don't walk around with a voice in my head telling me I'm fabulous or anything weird like that, but I also don't feel I am worth any less than anyone else.
I can objectively look at other women and see why they are more attractive than me but their presence doesn't take away from mine if that makes sense?
I know in certain situations people might assume I lack intelligence (no degree remember, only GCSEs) but that's their mistake. Underestimating me works to my advantage, especially at work and a few people have fallen foul to that over the years.
I am also quite fat (back to loosing a bit again now!) so according to many I should be hidden at home wearing a hair top until I miraculously lose 5 stone but I don't really worry about that either. Of course if I could wave a magic wand and be a toned size 8 I would but I can't so I just carry on as me.

@Greycottage I think the key to parenting for high self esteem is to let your child fail, recognize whatever they did was hard, support the problem solving of what to do next (guide them to the answer not give it to them), remind them other of other hard things they had done and succeeded with and encourage them to try again.

A child who is always told they are brilliant at things means that when they find something hard their self esteem takes a tumble as it's wrapped up with their ability and sense of identity

A child who is taught, yes, something's are hard but you can try again and succeed or even just improve has high self esteem as their identity is wrapped up in their perseverance and resilience which can be applied to almost all scenarios.

I used to have very low self esteem, which I mostly attribute to having to navigate life with undiagnosed ADHD. Since getting diagnosed, it's enabled me to accept and appreciate how my brain works. Also as I've gotten older, I simply care less what people think. For example, my confidence in my appearance is the highest it's ever been. It's not that I suddenly perceive myself as being more beautiful than I previously did, it's rather that I stopped comparing myself to others or caring about being conventionally attractive.

Basically having higher self esteem hasn't come from thinking I'm unequivocally awesome, but from accepting my own flaws, working on the things I can control and accepting the things I can't.

I think gendered socialisation plays a significant role as well. I watched an interesting documentary once about gender in schools. They asked the primary aged children to predict how they'd do in a math test, and unanimously the boys all overestimated how well they'd do, whilst the girls all underestimated themselves. It wasn't really surprising but I feel like it explains a lot!